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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut contact with in-laws?

58 replies

Rufusroo · 27/07/2023 11:23

DH has a twin brother who lives over 300 miles from us and due to having lots of animals (sheep, geese, turkeys, chickens plus four dogs and two cats) he finds it impossible to get a holiday unless myself or DH go and stay and look after everything. He occasionally reciprocates for us (we have three dogs). I had agreed to do it this year but three weeks before I was due to go there, my mother died and the funeral was to be held during that time. That wasn’t a problem as the funeral was 20 miles from them. Obviously, my adult children were also attending their DG’s funeral. DD and her family had a place to stay nearby so I asked if DS and DDIL could stay with me at the house (plenty of room). I was told no and was also told that the family as a whole were NOT to be at the house at all as it ‘would upset the animals’. I was a bit miffed to say the least but let it go and booked DS into a Travel Lodge around the corner.
on the day of the funeral DH left early to get back and feed the animals taking DS and DDIL with him as they had no transport. He took them back to the house for a cup of tea and to discuss how the funeral had gone. Bearing in mind that this was his twin brothers house and also my son’s uncle!
They FaceTimed TB to say hello and TB and SIL had a complete hissy fit and then sulked and wouldn’t speak or email me - not even to ask how the animals were. The day before they were due home they sent me an email ranting about how I had disobeyed their explicit instructions and how they were shocked that I had done this and how I had caused irreparable harm to their dogs and cat and how I needed to apologise and explain myself before our next meeting otherwise it would be ‘painful’!
I was so upset I ordered a taxi to collect me at 6am so that I didn’t have to see them (they got back in middle of the night)
Am I being unreasonable to cut all contact with them. DH agrees with me and is very upset with them on my behalf. My DC have visited with their uncle and aunt many times in the past so it was bizarre for them to be banned at such a sensitive time

OP posts:

Inkpotlover · 27/07/2023 11:28

So sorry for your loss. Absolutely cut them off. They are being ridiculous and were absolutely heartless ranting at you just after your father's funeral. Who do they think they are, issuing threats for an apology?! It'll be their loss too: who'll look after their animals and house now?

Inkpotlover · 27/07/2023 11:29

So sorry, I meant your mother's funeral.

SunsetsAndSandwiches · 27/07/2023 11:31

Really sorry for the loss of your mum. What bizarre behaviour from TB and especially during an upsetting time for you?
Has your DH spoke to him about it and asked why he had such an issue with your children being there?
I certainly wouldn't be rushing to help them out again, but I'd probably want to understand what they were thinking.
I don't think NC is entirely unreasonable on your part, but personally would want to know the precise issue before deciding.

WhatADrabCarpet · 27/07/2023 11:31

Definitely back away from them and offer no more care for their animals.

TheAgeOfAquarius · 27/07/2023 11:34

OP am I reading this correctly that you were not even at the house while your DS and DIL were there with your DH?

ImperfectAlf · 27/07/2023 11:34

Well, an apology is definitely due.

But not from you.

Arseholes.

I'm sorry for your loss. It would have been awful behaviour at any time. Difficult to forgive, given the circumstances.

Show themselves in the foot, though, haven't they.?

Wishimaywishimight · 27/07/2023 11:34

Firstly, I am so sorry for the loss of your mum, you shouldn't have to deal with this nonsense while you are grieving (or indeed at any time).

When they say "apologise" do they mean to them or to the poor distraught animals? 🙄

Seriously, they sound bonkers. As for being told to "explain" yourself? I would ignore them completely, let your DH tell his brother he is being utterly ridiculous. Distance yourself and absolutely never do them a favour again.

If they refuse to speak with you from now on well that's just the cherry on the cake. I could not be doing with this level of nonsense.

Drenchend · 27/07/2023 11:34

Im appalled and astounded by this insensitive behaviour.
I'm sorry for the time you have wasted looking after their animals all years and i sincerely hope your dh reads them the riot act x a billion.

It's appalling to treat you this way at any time let alone during such a traumatic time.

ImperfectAlf · 27/07/2023 11:35

Oh, and of course you're not being unreasonable to protect yourself.

MummyofTw0 · 27/07/2023 11:36

Why did they rant at you and not your husband?

pikkumyy77 · 27/07/2023 11:37

Never animal sit again. Just no.

Drenchend · 27/07/2023 11:38

Your dh needs to explain that he took his own son back to the house for tea. They had not stayed as per their bizzare instructions.

"Apologies are needed but unfortunately the extra stress and totally unjustified rant you have made at my wife is going to be hard to atone for.
At this sensitive time it's unforgivable.

I wouldn't worry about seeing us again. "

How utterly self centered can you get!

Emmamoo89 · 27/07/2023 11:41

So sorry for your loss. They are being ridiculous. Definitely cut them off x

kgov1 · 27/07/2023 11:50

Well good luck to your BIL getting someone to look after all those animals for free next year!

GingerIsBest · 27/07/2023 11:55

This is one of those OPs where I find myself thinking, "is there a massive backstory/additional information" because on the surface of it, your BIL is being SO insanely unreasonable it's impossible to fathom.

I mean, for a start, you weren't even there - it was your dH (his brother!?) who took your DS and DDIl to his house? And they had a cup of tea not an orgy with 50 people. WTAF?!

I assume this is a favour you do for them? It's not like they're paying you or some other reason why this is odd?

Your Dh should be stepping up here and a) pointing out that yelling at YOU when you weren't even the one who took other people round and b) telling them that they are abusing the good nature of his wife and they should get stuffed.

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 27/07/2023 11:55

The only thing I can think is that it's fine to have his nephew and wife visit when he's there himself but he did explicitly say he didn't want you to invite visitors yourself when he wasn't there and you went against that. So I can see his point. You have been rude in that respect

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 27/07/2023 11:56

I would feel sorry for the animals living among such arseholes...
Sorry for your loss op
.
Keep them out of you lives. Bet they come crawling when nobody else offers to help out. Be very unavailable..

Sillybillypoopoomummy · 27/07/2023 11:57

how have you "caused irreparable harm to their dogs and cat" when you are ones who look after them when they are away???
definitely jettison

SunRainStorm · 27/07/2023 12:01

I would back off but not go NC.

I certainly wouldn't apologise.

And I'd say I hope they enjoyed their holiday because you're never housesitting again so they'll struggle to have another one.

DinoMummsy · 27/07/2023 12:24

Sorry for your loss OP. I wouldn't necessarily cut them off completely (depending on your relationship with them outside this incident) but I definitely wouldn't be offering to look after their house/animals again, and would probably be keeping my distance a bit from now on. Very strange behaviour from them.

Winter2020 · 27/07/2023 12:26

I think rather than go no contact which might be inconvenient at family events it might be even more satisfying to play it cool...

I'm sorry to hear that you weren't happy with the care of your animals - I would suggest professional care going forward.

Then under no account care for those animals again. Just say things like "best not to mix business and pleasure" or "I wouldn't want it to come between us - like it almost did - family is more important" - but no caring for them!

Winter2020 · 27/07/2023 12:27

Also sorry you about your mum OP. They are very self centred to not treat you with sensitivity at this time.

8misskitty8 · 27/07/2023 12:33

IFirstly sorry for your loss 💐

I can’t get over the fact that your mother had just died and the funeral was when they where due to go on holiday and they STILL expected you to look after their animals.
They should be apologising to you. If it was me I’d never look after their menagerie again. They can pay someone to watch them.
Insensitive arsehole.

ManateeFair · 27/07/2023 12:35

Of course YANBU. They've behaved appallingly and are apparently insane.

You don't want to see them and neither does your DH, so there's no dilemma here.

8misskitty8 · 27/07/2023 12:35

Oh and my reply to the email would be just 2 words. ‘Fuck off’

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