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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut contact with in-laws?

58 replies

Rufusroo · 27/07/2023 11:23

DH has a twin brother who lives over 300 miles from us and due to having lots of animals (sheep, geese, turkeys, chickens plus four dogs and two cats) he finds it impossible to get a holiday unless myself or DH go and stay and look after everything. He occasionally reciprocates for us (we have three dogs). I had agreed to do it this year but three weeks before I was due to go there, my mother died and the funeral was to be held during that time. That wasn’t a problem as the funeral was 20 miles from them. Obviously, my adult children were also attending their DG’s funeral. DD and her family had a place to stay nearby so I asked if DS and DDIL could stay with me at the house (plenty of room). I was told no and was also told that the family as a whole were NOT to be at the house at all as it ‘would upset the animals’. I was a bit miffed to say the least but let it go and booked DS into a Travel Lodge around the corner.
on the day of the funeral DH left early to get back and feed the animals taking DS and DDIL with him as they had no transport. He took them back to the house for a cup of tea and to discuss how the funeral had gone. Bearing in mind that this was his twin brothers house and also my son’s uncle!
They FaceTimed TB to say hello and TB and SIL had a complete hissy fit and then sulked and wouldn’t speak or email me - not even to ask how the animals were. The day before they were due home they sent me an email ranting about how I had disobeyed their explicit instructions and how they were shocked that I had done this and how I had caused irreparable harm to their dogs and cat and how I needed to apologise and explain myself before our next meeting otherwise it would be ‘painful’!
I was so upset I ordered a taxi to collect me at 6am so that I didn’t have to see them (they got back in middle of the night)
Am I being unreasonable to cut all contact with them. DH agrees with me and is very upset with them on my behalf. My DC have visited with their uncle and aunt many times in the past so it was bizarre for them to be banned at such a sensitive time

OP posts:
CheeseCakeSunflowers · 27/07/2023 12:39

I think they were unreasonable to say no to others staying there in these circumstances but I am wondering if they thought that was what was happening and didn't realise it was just a quick visit and cup of tea. It still doesn't excuse the rant and I wouldn't be helping them out again

Cheeseplantt · 27/07/2023 12:44

Why are they blaming you for your DH (his twin brother) taking his son and DIL to the house? You werent even there when they face timed. Why are you to blame rather than your DH/his brother?

Regardless, I wouldnt have anything to do with them, wouldnt be pet sitting and would be expecting my DH to having a major go at his rude, disrespectful, idiot brother.

tattygrl · 27/07/2023 12:46

Wtf. I would laugh at this bizarreness if it wasn't so utterly insensitive and cruel to you at this vulnerable and sensitive time. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. Flowers

This really is such odd behaviour. I think you'd be well within your rights to cut them off, and it would probably be better for you to do that rather than continue to engage with them! But I'd be sort of also wanting DH to get an explanation out of them because... wtf.

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/07/2023 12:57

I can't see why they were ranting at you when it was DH who had "disobeyed their orders".

I think the whole "going NC" thing is a bit ridiculous but I certainly wouldn't be seeking their company.

mondaytosunday · 27/07/2023 12:59

But you didn't - his brother did, so why are they pissed at you??
But yea, end of favours from you I think.

poetryandwine · 27/07/2023 13:01

I am very sorry for the loss of your DM. No excuses for the behaviour of TB.

But is there any chance he has misunderstood, and thinks your DS and DIL were staying with you at his property? Jumping to that conclusion would speak badly of him but might explain his reaction. Can your DH ask him?

In your DH’s shoes I would make it clear that DS had not stayed at the property, because I had given my word. Then I would express my ‘disappointment’ about being doubted or, alternatively, about DS and DIL being banned even from a cuppa if that is the issue. I would go NC for a while, and it would be a very long time before I would look after their animals again. But all of this will be most effective coming from DH.

Wheresmyrobe · 27/07/2023 13:02

Tell them to get fucked

mindutopia · 27/07/2023 13:06

Personally, I think going NC over something like this is a bit childish. I say this as someone who is NC with her family. It's a big and incredibly painful decision, not something to be done over a small disagreement about house guests. But I would certainly cool the relationship and would not be pet sitting again.

I wouldn't want people in my house either, even family, if I wasn't around without permission and I think it's fine for them to have set that boundary. Maybe they've had issues with people taking the mick before. But it was your dh who took them there and it's your dh who should be apologising and dealing with this - as you've got enough on your plate.

phoenixrosehere · 27/07/2023 13:07

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 27/07/2023 11:55

The only thing I can think is that it's fine to have his nephew and wife visit when he's there himself but he did explicitly say he didn't want you to invite visitors yourself when he wasn't there and you went against that. So I can see his point. You have been rude in that respect

She didn’t do it though (her DH did) nor was she there so how has she been rude?

Her DH, his brother took their son and DIL over so why is it on her to control his brother’s, her brother’s actions.

phoenixrosehere · 27/07/2023 13:08

phoenixrosehere · 27/07/2023 13:07

She didn’t do it though (her DH did) nor was she there so how has she been rude?

Her DH, his brother took their son and DIL over so why is it on her to control his brother’s, her brother’s actions.

Show quote history

*her DH’s actions.

TenderChicken · 27/07/2023 13:09

I'm a bit confused as to why he's having a go at you and not his own twin.

At any rate, he is being a massive twat. I definitely would never consider pet sitting for them again.

Bloodyleaverspartybollocks · 27/07/2023 13:09

WTF. Tell him to fuck off

poetryandwine · 27/07/2023 13:10

Sorry, I see you gave your word that DS would not visit but DH brought him and DIL to the house briefly. Yes, go NC if you like but redirect TB’s ire to DH. Whose mistake was quite minor. I still wonder whether TB thought DS may have been staying st the property.

If you told DH and/or DS that DS wasn’t allowed at the property, they should ‘fess up to take the heat off you, then all of you can do as you like. If you forgot to mention it with the stress of your mum’s death, they should rally round to protect you because your BIL is being a major arse

Pompom2367 · 27/07/2023 13:10

I'm sorry for your loss

Daleksatemyshed · 27/07/2023 13:10

I wouldn't speak to them about this because you've done nothing wrong, it's very unkind of them to have a go at you when you're recently bereaved. I'd get your DH to tell them the DC were only there briefly and how incredibly thoughtless they've been. No more dogsitting for you Op, let them pay in future. I'm sorry for your loss

Gymnopedie · 27/07/2023 13:10

Personally, I think going NC over something like this is a bit childish. I say this as someone who is NC with her family. It's a big and incredibly painful decision, not something to be done over a small disagreement about house guests.

Based on what the OP has said I don't think this counts as a small disagreement. If the brother and his wife have gone so far as to have a rant at OP (who wasn't even there) and demand that she apologises then it says something about their character more generally. Which is pretty much that they're arses.

Gymnopedie · 27/07/2023 13:12

he finds it impossible to get a holiday unless myself or DH go and stay and look after everything.

Well they're not going to be going on holiday ever again then, are they.

Knittedfairies · 27/07/2023 13:12

I'm sorry to hear about your mum.

I wouldn't be contacting them about anything in the future but I'd be polite if they contacted me; cool, but polite. I would, however, never be available again for animal sitting.

BreehyHinnyBrinnyHoohyHah · 27/07/2023 13:17

I hope your DH has said something to them! They are being outrageous.

ThePelicansBriefs · 27/07/2023 13:18

Also your husband left the funeral early to feed their animals. Why on earth were they facetiming him when he may have still been at the funeral? Checking up on him?

Beautiful3 · 27/07/2023 13:27

I think its just a massive misunderstanding. They obviously think that the children stayed over, when they explicitly said no. I would get your husband to ring up his brother, and explained what happened. If they're still angry over the cup of tea, then I'd decline to ever pet sit for them again. They're going to struggle massively without your help, so they're being so foolish.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 27/07/2023 13:28

Hell would freeze before I ever did him a favour again.

Sewingdufus · 27/07/2023 13:35

Sorry for your loss OP.

BIL’s response is bizarre, even more so given the circumstances. I would leave them be until they apologise.

Mulhollandmagoo · 27/07/2023 13:39

Just no more animal sitting for him, it is much easier to get 3 dogs looked after than everything your BIL has to care for. He sounds like a dick!

Rogue1001MNer · 27/07/2023 13:46

Horrendous and completely agree with you in this circumstance.

I wouldn't go NC, but I'd end this reciprocal arrangement here and now