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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

only fans

57 replies

abmac95 · 27/07/2023 09:17

posting on aibu as i need a quick answer.

i have recently found out that my partner has been using only fans for the last few months at least.

a few weeks ago i was using his computer and an email popped up. i got curious so had a look and there were a few emails. i asked him about it, in a casual way and he denied using only fans at all. said the emails were spam.

i believed him.

today i opened his phone, when he was in the car, to check details of something (he knew I was using his phone) and happened to see the tab with his credit card statement and it said 'only fans'. obviously curious, i then looked through the statement and saw multiple transactions.

i didnt say anything at the time and he didnt see me looking.

i know he has been lying - thats an issue
but do people think that him looking at content on only fans is a serious issue? i am not sure what to think. should i ask him about it? is it considered cheating.

we have been together ten years and have a 3 year old. since our childs birth i have had severe depression which has obviously impacted our sex life. he is a good man and brilliant dad.

OP posts:
GoneWithTheWin · 27/07/2023 09:20

I’m not sure I could mentally get past that. Not just the lying, but perving over random women online. And paying for the privilege (presumably using your joint finances to do this)

sorry this is happening to you OP

Original poster
abmac95 · 27/07/2023 10:28

thanks for your reply. its the fact that he lied to my face that is really getting to me

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 27/07/2023 10:33

What do you think about it op? He lied to you; he pays money to look at other women online. I wouldn’t be happy about that; I would consider only fans cheating if that helps you. Trust your feelings

Blossomtoes · 27/07/2023 10:44

I personally think Only Fans is the modern equivalent of top shelf magazines. It’s sleazy definitely, not anywhere close to cheating though. The lying would be my problem with it.

MotherEarthisaTerf · 27/07/2023 10:47

There's plenty of free porn available - so he was paying these women for something more intimate.

This doesn't mean physically intimate - but he was paying to have some form of connection to them. A one off payment for curiousity (or maybe 2 payments) I would understand but more than that? Regularly?

He's either - a "fan" of one or two women. Or he gets off on paying women to do things for him on camera.

Both of those are grim to me.

SunsetOverParadise · 27/07/2023 10:50

Only you know the criteria set for your relationship and where your boundaries are.

For me, he would be gone. I don’t care how ‘great’ he is in another area. These are my reasons:

  1. He lied, and not just by omission but to your face. That’s a huge deal.

  2. He is using finances that could be better spent on his children to look at women in sexual situations. So I actually don’t think he is a great dad.

  3. He thinks it’s acceptable to commodify women. IMO this also makes him a shit dad. I would not want his lack of values being passed down to my children, who I would wish to learn how to respect other people and not see them as possessions to be bought and sold.

  4. He is applying his sexual focus, deliberately, by choice, outside of the marriage. A decent man, when confronted by sexual issues that may have resulted from the woman he loves having his children, will do whatever it takes to make her feel comfortable, safe, relaxed, and beautiful in order to work on making the conditions right to have better sex. It’s a piss poor excuse to look elsewhere, to turn a blind eye to his wife’s pain, and neglect his commitments.

To be blunt, you need to respect yourself more because to allow this to slide tells him that he can treat you however the hell he wants and get away with it. If you are fine with being treated that way - without respect, and you are fine with him seeing women the way he does, then carry on.

I would be gone. He’s shown you who he is. Believe him.

Devilsmommy · 27/07/2023 10:50

I'd be having it out in the open asap. Its not cheating per se but if it's innocent why hide it and lie to your face about it? Talk to him, it's the only way you're going to know. Good luck

Siameasy · 27/07/2023 10:51

I’d find it creepy and off-putting but not cheating. Take some time to think about it and the two of you have a chat. The lack of sex life is going to be an issue that needs to be resolved as IME it causes resentment.

araiwa · 27/07/2023 10:52

He lies to you. You like to him

Stick together

ntmdino · 27/07/2023 10:53

Blossomtoes · 27/07/2023 10:44

I personally think Only Fans is the modern equivalent of top shelf magazines. It’s sleazy definitely, not anywhere close to cheating though. The lying would be my problem with it.

Exactly this - and it comes with the same stigma, so it's not entirely surprising that he'd deny it. That doesn't make the lying OK, but it is understandable.

A practical, calm and non-accusatory conversation would probably solve this - more of "OK, it seems like there's a problem here, can we solve it together without you resorting to spending money on OF and trying to hide it?" than "HOW DARE YOU???".

CreationNat1on · 27/07/2023 10:53

I think you need to view this as something that can be worked on, treated and healed. He is viewing content, not touching someone else S body.

You are possibly both a little depressed, it's escapism. I wouldn't immediately throw the relationship away.

edenhills · 27/07/2023 10:54

Blossomtoes · 27/07/2023 10:44

I personally think Only Fans is the modern equivalent of top shelf magazines. It’s sleazy definitely, not anywhere close to cheating though. The lying would be my problem with it.

I completely disagree. There is something very personal about the interactions on only fans which is why it is so popular. I don't have a problem with a partner looking at porn (ethics aside) but would be very unhappy if they were using only fans.

TMI2000 · 27/07/2023 10:55

I think it really depends on what your opinion is and how it makes you feel. Sexual content is always a hot topic as some would view it as cheating and some wouldn't depending on how it makes you feel.

I would be definitely having it out with him over the lying because that makes it seem even more that there is something to hide and that's where it would feel really shifty, personally I have no issue with the watching of sexual content but paying for specific people is where it gets a little much for me personally.

If it's something you want to work through I would define the boundaries around what you are comfortable with, even if that is nothing at all and let him know how not okay it is to lie to you about it.

VeridicalVagabond · 27/07/2023 10:56

I consider paying a sex worker cheating and I'm always baffled by the women who are more inclined to compare it to porn. He's literally paying for personalised content from a sex worker, I don't think it's comparable at all.

Regardless of whether you personally think using a sex worker is cheating or not, the lying would be the biggest deal-breaker for me. I can't stand liars.

Original poster
abmac95 · 28/07/2023 01:21

Thanks everyone. I did ask him about it last night.

He said he was just curious and that he signed up to something that he is now unable to cancel - not sure I believe that.

Says that the women he works with, and he does almost exclusively work with women, all talk about it and he just wanted to see what it was all about.

Said he lied because he was ashamed. I do believe that. Also tried to turn it back on me, says it was boredom because I haven't really been interested in sex.

Still not sure what I make of it.

OP posts:
ntmdino · 28/07/2023 01:36

abmac95 · 28/07/2023 01:21

Thanks everyone. I did ask him about it last night.

He said he was just curious and that he signed up to something that he is now unable to cancel - not sure I believe that.

Says that the women he works with, and he does almost exclusively work with women, all talk about it and he just wanted to see what it was all about.

Said he lied because he was ashamed. I do believe that. Also tried to turn it back on me, says it was boredom because I haven't really been interested in sex.

Still not sure what I make of it.

Well, there's an easy solution to one of those issues...

https://www.roqqett.com/how-to-delete-your-onlyfans-account

GarlicGrace · 28/07/2023 01:36

The women at work all talk about it? Huh?? Does he work at a 'massage parlour'?

Women at work might talk about it in passing but it's hardly likely to be a big topic like, I dunno, Love Island or where they're having their holidays this year.

He was bullshitting you before and he's bullshitting you now.

FWIW, Only Fans isn't online porn. It's one-to-one sexual interaction with an individual, more like online prostitution.

I'm angry on your behalf, OP.

AIBot · 28/07/2023 01:39

A friend is on there as a content creator and people (mostly men) subscribe to her channel. There are photos and short videos of her included with the membership that any subscriber can see. It’s porn, as others said, a modern version of the top shelf magazines. She charges extra on top of the monthly membership for anything personalised, but as I understand it not all creators offer this.

Younger women in office environments are for sure discussing this. As her friends we have spoken a lot about it as she has set aside a graduate career to focus on it full time as it’s been so lucrative! So I would try to work with him to move past it.

BrownHairedGirlWithTheBrightestSmile · 28/07/2023 01:41

He’s a sleazy bastard and a liar. Wouldn’t be good enough for me, I’d get rid of him.

decaffonlypls · 28/07/2023 01:54

He lied - directly to your face. This means you can't trust him.

He's getting sexual gratification else where and paying for it.

I'd pick a time to have a serious conversation about your relationship and wether it's working.

Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker

Miranaboll · 28/07/2023 02:58

Despite the innocuous stupid name it’s still porno.

SunsetOverParadise · 28/07/2023 05:22

So it’s the fault of the women at the office and your fault? But not his? He’s just innocent and stupid and incapable of googling to cancel something?

Sure. If you believe this pack of bullshit then frankly, you two deserve each other.

Come on, OP. He’s still lying!

ZekeZeke · 28/07/2023 05:32
  1. He is a liar
  2. He is trying to pass the blame to you.
  3. He is taking money that could be used for family
  4. He is paying for personal sexual gratification -that's cheating in my book.

He is not a good father or partner

Floppyelf · 28/07/2023 05:35

SunsetOverParadise · 27/07/2023 10:50

Only you know the criteria set for your relationship and where your boundaries are.

For me, he would be gone. I don’t care how ‘great’ he is in another area. These are my reasons:

  1. He lied, and not just by omission but to your face. That’s a huge deal.

  2. He is using finances that could be better spent on his children to look at women in sexual situations. So I actually don’t think he is a great dad.

  3. He thinks it’s acceptable to commodify women. IMO this also makes him a shit dad. I would not want his lack of values being passed down to my children, who I would wish to learn how to respect other people and not see them as possessions to be bought and sold.

  4. He is applying his sexual focus, deliberately, by choice, outside of the marriage. A decent man, when confronted by sexual issues that may have resulted from the woman he loves having his children, will do whatever it takes to make her feel comfortable, safe, relaxed, and beautiful in order to work on making the conditions right to have better sex. It’s a piss poor excuse to look elsewhere, to turn a blind eye to his wife’s pain, and neglect his commitments.

To be blunt, you need to respect yourself more because to allow this to slide tells him that he can treat you however the hell he wants and get away with it. If you are fine with being treated that way - without respect, and you are fine with him seeing women the way he does, then carry on.

I would be gone. He’s shown you who he is. Believe him.

this times a million

TwoShades1 · 28/07/2023 05:59

Personally I wouldn’t care, but that’s a very unpopular opinion on mumsnet. I would say as long as the spending is appropriate for your income then I would leave it be. It’s disappointing he lied about it, but that implies that he doesn’t think you will react well to him using it.