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Original poster

only fans

57 replies

abmac95 · 27/07/2023 09:17

posting on aibu as i need a quick answer.

i have recently found out that my partner has been using only fans for the last few months at least.

a few weeks ago i was using his computer and an email popped up. i got curious so had a look and there were a few emails. i asked him about it, in a casual way and he denied using only fans at all. said the emails were spam.

i believed him.

today i opened his phone, when he was in the car, to check details of something (he knew I was using his phone) and happened to see the tab with his credit card statement and it said 'only fans'. obviously curious, i then looked through the statement and saw multiple transactions.

i didnt say anything at the time and he didnt see me looking.

i know he has been lying - thats an issue
but do people think that him looking at content on only fans is a serious issue? i am not sure what to think. should i ask him about it? is it considered cheating.

we have been together ten years and have a 3 year old. since our childs birth i have had severe depression which has obviously impacted our sex life. he is a good man and brilliant dad.

OP posts:
Beneficialchampion2 · 28/07/2023 06:07

Whilst I admit he has done wrong (arguably)

The argument that paying for it makes it worse is bollocks in my opinion. Most free porn online relies on the exploitation of either women or replication of copyrighted material, meaning someone is treated unfairly as a result. Yet when someone pays for their porn and the content creator is fairly awarded for their work it is considered worse?

Your husband has been having a few cheeky tugs to pictures of someone else, hardly the end of the world, but if it makes you question your trust in him then it's realistically only going to head one way isn't it?

Beneficialchampion2 · 28/07/2023 06:10

GarlicGrace · 28/07/2023 01:36

The women at work all talk about it? Huh?? Does he work at a 'massage parlour'?

Women at work might talk about it in passing but it's hardly likely to be a big topic like, I dunno, Love Island or where they're having their holidays this year.

He was bullshitting you before and he's bullshitting you now.

FWIW, Only Fans isn't online porn. It's one-to-one sexual interaction with an individual, more like online prostitution.

I'm angry on your behalf, OP.

Not strictly accurate, as the partner of someone who has partaken in onlyfans content creation, 95% of subscribers are there just to look at content, interaction occurs with a very small minority. Usually subscribers pay additional premiums and tips to message or sext content creators

C1N1C · 28/07/2023 06:25

I have to be careful how I ask this as I'm trying to get to the bottom of 'why', but it might come out as victim shaming (not my intent)... how often do you have sex?

It seems like a daily thing in here where kids happen, menopause happens, mum is tired from baby/housework etc, and sex virtually disappears. Obviously sex is not an obligation, but there has to be a time where if it's that infrequent, the partner is going to look for some sexual release... masturbation, porn, companionship, cheating...

Whosehername · 28/07/2023 06:29

You get to decide what you're okay with. I know lots of women who are okay with OF, I also know lots of women who aren't okay with their partner watching any porn at all - both are fine, they just need to be in relationships with men who are happy with those boundaries.

For me personally OF is a step too far. I have no problem with my DH looking at porn, but paying and communicating with women on only fans would make me very uncomfortable (my DH knows this, he agrees and is fine with that boundary). If we'd never discussed this and he'd somehow thought I'd be okay with it, though, I'd have likely thought it was a mistake and it wouldn't have been a huge issue...unless he then lied about it.

Lying would be a much bigger issue for me than the OF activity, tbh. If he'll lie to cover his own back over one thing, how can you trust he hasn't been doing that throughout the entire relationship, or that he won't do it again...possibly about something much worse?

Your partner has definitely been lying to you about this, do you trust him?

CherryMaDeara · 28/07/2023 06:29

abmac95 · 28/07/2023 01:21

Thanks everyone. I did ask him about it last night.

He said he was just curious and that he signed up to something that he is now unable to cancel - not sure I believe that.

Says that the women he works with, and he does almost exclusively work with women, all talk about it and he just wanted to see what it was all about.

Said he lied because he was ashamed. I do believe that. Also tried to turn it back on me, says it was boredom because I haven't really been interested in sex.

Still not sure what I make of it.

He’s basically responded with more lies.

Time to get rid.

Blossomtoes · 28/07/2023 06:31

Beneficialchampion2 · 28/07/2023 06:07

Whilst I admit he has done wrong (arguably)

The argument that paying for it makes it worse is bollocks in my opinion. Most free porn online relies on the exploitation of either women or replication of copyrighted material, meaning someone is treated unfairly as a result. Yet when someone pays for their porn and the content creator is fairly awarded for their work it is considered worse?

Your husband has been having a few cheeky tugs to pictures of someone else, hardly the end of the world, but if it makes you question your trust in him then it's realistically only going to head one way isn't it?

That’s pretty much where I am too. If getting off on erotic images of other women is cheating there can be very few men who haven’t cheated. One of my friends posed for a men’s magazine when she was young, she’d laugh uproariously at the idea she was a sex worker and even more that she was exploited. The money kept her for an entire term at art college.

The lying is the issue here. And I fully believe Only Fans was a topic of conversation among a group of women.

BrownHairedGirlWithTheBrightestSmile · 28/07/2023 08:13

I have to be careful how I ask this as I'm trying to get to the bottom of 'why', but it might come out as victim shaming (not my intent)... how often do you have sex?

It seems like a daily thing in here where kids happen, menopause happens, mum is tired from baby/housework etc, and sex virtually disappears. Obviously sex is not an obligation, but there has to be a time where if it's that infrequent, the partner is going to look for some sexual release... masturbation, porn, companionship, cheating..

Wtaf? You even knew your thoughts were victim blaming and still wrote this! OP has said she has severe depression. Her partner should communicate like a grown man to his wife. He shouldn’t be paying for this and then also lying to her. But yeah, easier to blame her. You’re disgusting. I bet you’re a man! Either way, man or woman, how fucking dare you say this is in some way OPs fault.

BrownHairedGirlWithTheBrightestSmile · 28/07/2023 08:13

*partner

WhatDoesTheDogThink · 28/07/2023 09:17

@C1N1C How the hell are you blaming OP here? What a terrible attitude you have and yes, that’s victim blaming. He’s the one paying money for only fans, he’s the one lying to his partner. 🤬🤬🤬

CatchItDerry · 28/07/2023 09:20

he is a good man and brilliant dad.

No he’s not. He’s shown zero respect to you or his family unit. Leave him. He’s a cunt.

HollyBookBlue · 28/07/2023 09:44

Neither of you are perfect here. You snooped both on his laptop and phone. Curiosity isn't an excuse for snooping. Then when you found evidence he pays for porn you didn't give him the full story as you set out here on MN. You lied by omission to cover your snooping. You could have said in the car "oops I've just seen your bank statements and noticed these payments. Could we talk about it"

Have you two ever had conversations about what you find acceptable in relation to porn use in the past? Ask a hundred people, you'll get a hundred answers as to if it's perfectly fine or grounds for divorce as evidenced by the responses here. Personally I think your DHs porn use sounds fine. But other people's opinions are irrelevant to your relationship.

If you've never spoken about it, how is he supposed to know you'd have a problem with it?

Watching porn does come with a social stigma, so it's not surprising he'd not be truthful when asked in a casual way. Have you ever watched porn? Have you disclosed that to him?

Have a proper conversation with him about it in a calm way

Blossomtoes · 28/07/2023 09:48

CatchItDerry · 28/07/2023 09:20

he is a good man and brilliant dad.

No he’s not. He’s shown zero respect to you or his family unit. Leave him. He’s a cunt.

Jesus Christ. Ever heard of nuance? Or considered that people are multifaceted and complex? 🙄

Gerrataere · 28/07/2023 09:56

He’s lied to you and paid women (presumably, and may even been teenagers) for sex. It would be over for me. But I would dump a man for porn as well so 🤷‍♀️. You know where your line is, whether it’s the lying, the using people for sexual gratification or both.

ntmdino · 28/07/2023 09:59

@Blossomtoes - "Have a proper conversation with him about it in a calm way"

I think you might be in the wrong section.

Blossomtoes · 28/07/2023 10:00

ntmdino · 28/07/2023 09:59

@Blossomtoes - "Have a proper conversation with him about it in a calm way"

I think you might be in the wrong section.

I think you’ve tagged the wrong poster. I didn’t say that.

ntmdino · 28/07/2023 10:01

Blossomtoes · 28/07/2023 10:00

I think you’ve tagged the wrong poster. I didn’t say that.

Show quote history

Dammit, rush posting. Meant to tag @HollyBookBlue - apologies!

HollyBookBlue · 28/07/2023 10:06

@ntmdino

🤣🤣🤣
You're absolutely right! I'll amend my closing sentence...

Chuck his laptop out of the window, cut a hole in the crotch of all his trousers, stand on your doorstep and scream at him as he gets home from work "Darling we absolutely must have a proper conversation about your online wank fests"

LumpyPumpkin · 28/07/2023 11:30

I would consider Only Fans cheating.

I have no issue if partner wanted to look at free porn on the internet but using Only Fans would mean picking out a specific person and paying them for content. I don't like the thought of a partner deliberately choosing someone and sending them money.

There is so much free, anonymous porn available so Only Fans is a no for me.

In your case, I would not be able to forgive the lying. It is deceitful and means he knows what he was doing was wrong and would hurt you. I hope you're ok.

CatchItDerry · 28/07/2023 11:40

Blossomtoes · 28/07/2023 09:48

Jesus Christ. Ever heard of nuance? Or considered that people are multifaceted and complex? 🙄

Show quote history

Nothing nuanced about a man paying an individual/s for porn.
I despair that any woman would find this acceptable - where the hell are your standards?

We set a low enough bar for male behaviour at the best of times, but considering this man to be good and an amazing father is delusional.

mistermagpie · 28/07/2023 13:04

I've not been well for a while so our sex life has suffered. I fully expect DH is probably looking at porn and I'm ok with that. There's loads of free porn on the internet, loads, all different types, so I see absolutely no need for anyone to be paying for this kind of content.

My relationship would be ruined by it, I'm pretty sure. It's just that bit sleazier and paying for personalised content is a totally different thing to me. Add that to the blatant lying and I'm not sure I could see him the same way.

That said, I think men compartmentalise sex a lot more than women and this stuff really doesn't have much bearing on his ability to be a good dad as someone else implied.

ManateeFair · 28/07/2023 14:23

abmac95 · 28/07/2023 01:21

Thanks everyone. I did ask him about it last night.

He said he was just curious and that he signed up to something that he is now unable to cancel - not sure I believe that.

Says that the women he works with, and he does almost exclusively work with women, all talk about it and he just wanted to see what it was all about.

Said he lied because he was ashamed. I do believe that. Also tried to turn it back on me, says it was boredom because I haven't really been interested in sex.

Still not sure what I make of it.

I've never used OnlyFans but I absolutely do not believe that he can't work out how to cancel his subscription. It's a big, popular platform for adult content, not a scam that steals your money.

I also do not believe that he signed up because he was 'bored'. If he's bored, there is a vast amount of free porn out there that he could easily access. He doesn't need to subscribe to someone's OnlyFans for something to look at while he has a wank. I suspect he has signed up because he has a thing for that particular model, or because signing up means he can message her or request specific content just for him.

I wouldn't really mind my DP looking at porn. I would mind him signing up to someone's OnlyFans.

PurpleChrayne · 28/07/2023 14:24

he is a good man and brilliant dad.

He isn't.

kcieciara · 28/07/2023 14:28

Cheating, so he specifically pays for these naked women to show him stuff, specifically picks out which one he wants to pay for & then lies about it??? There’s plenty free stuff, bad enough. But there’s also YOU, I would leave personally but I know different people have different boundaries but he’s disrespected you, multiple times and lied. Best bet is make him quit and move on if he won’t then get out.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 28/07/2023 14:32

Blossomtoes · 27/07/2023 10:44

I personally think Only Fans is the modern equivalent of top shelf magazines. It’s sleazy definitely, not anywhere close to cheating though. The lying would be my problem with it.

It's not the equivalent though. Porn mags were static images, the people in them weren't contactable. I used to think OF was akin to going to a strip club and getting lapdance but there are hard sex images being traded and that is very different. If my DP used a porn website I couldn't care less because I know it's nothing but OF or visiting a prostitute to perform sexually 121 would be a deal breaker.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 28/07/2023 14:42

He must have been living under a rock if he truly doesn't know what it is to the point he had to actually sign up to find out. He's bullshitting you.

Four things going on here and only you can decide which are dealbreakers for you:

  1. Using porn in the first place. I know it's become normalised but it's bloody grim IMHO.
  2. Paying for porn when there is apparently so much free stuff out there (do the pair of you have money to throw away)?
  3. Lying to you about it.
  4. Insulting your intelligence with his nonsensical excuses when you caught him out on his lies. Either he is an idiot or he thinks you are and neither should wash if you have any self-respect.

I've never quite got the reasoning behind the name TBH - OnlyWankers would be far more appropriate on several levels.