only fans

[abmac95]

posting on aibu as i need a quick answer.

i have recently found out that my partner has been using only fans for the last few months at least.

a few weeks ago i was using his computer and an email popped up. i got curious so had a look and there were a few emails. i asked him about it, in a casual way and he denied using only fans at all. said the emails were spam.

i believed him.

today i opened his phone, when he was in the car, to check details of something (he knew I was using his phone) and happened to see the tab with his credit card statement and it said 'only fans'. obviously curious, i then looked through the statement and saw multiple transactions.

i didnt say anything at the time and he didnt see me looking.

i know he has been lying - thats an issue
but do people think that him looking at content on only fans is a serious issue? i am not sure what to think. should i ask him about it? is it considered cheating.

we have been together ten years and have a 3 year old. since our childs birth i have had severe depression which has obviously impacted our sex life. he is a good man and brilliant dad.

For what it’s worth, I highly doubt female content Onlyfans creators are looking for personal intimate relationships through their work. They are just in it to make money and I guess some are happy to channel their inner pornstar in this weird fantasy sort of world. And as has been mentioned further up the thread, this type of work can be highly lucrative.

Eugh. He pays women for sex acts and he also lies to your face.

Only Fans is much more intimate than magazine porn or pornhub. It’s closer to prostitution. For starters, you pick the woman and pay her directly. You can request tailored acts. You communicate directly through messaging.

If he’s signed up to something he claims he can’t now cancel then he’s subscribed to a minimum term thing, which means he’s getting new content repeatedly - and enough of it to warrant him initially setting up a recurring bank payment. If he hasn’t done this then why are there still repeat orders and what are his excuses for those? He inputted his payment details multiple times by accident? That’s not curiosity: that’s going back for more. Either scenario is equally bad.

When he says the women he works with all talk about it, just bear in mind that this is a clear way to try and make you wonder if / believe that lots of other women would be totally cool with him paying for private sex cams. Remind him of that old saying: “If Jenny from accounts told you to jump off a bridge with no trousers on, would you do it?”

He’s disrespecting you and treating you like an absolute idiot - which you are clearly not - with these lies. You wouldn’t know about it at all had you not caught him red handed.

Oh that’s okay then. Because the female creators don’t want a relationship it doesn’t matter that men are ruining their marriages over it.

Jesus wept.

Not sure what your point is. I was trying to reassure the OP that her husband will just be another cash cow to the onlyfans creator/s and there will be no real intimacy - in case she was worried this was a real relationship. It’s not - it’s just a fantasy.

Men and women can ruin marriages all by themselves - no need to blame a third party. I pass no judgement on why people do this.

Dumped my ex in May over it. Few other things but I couldn't get past the OF. Absolutely rotten. Should have known really. He used to buy lad mags and collect them as a teen. Never grew up lol

Im on the fence with this. The lying is the real issue for me . However , I don’t personally have any problem with porn at all. My husband has a very high sex drive , we have an active sex life but he would have it morning , noon and night and my sex drive isn’t THAT high . I know he watches porn , he’s open about it . I would feel differently about web cams I think , but I wouldn’t class it as cheating and it wouldn’t be a marriage ender.

Only fans is a subscription ( I know someone who was on only fans as a performer ) - people pay to subscribe to a person and that person uploads videos and pictures that they can view , they pay monthly and can see them for each month they are subscribed. In that sense I don’t think it’s any different to porn … it’s not personal …. It’s like Netflix lol you can watch anything on Netflix if you are a subscriber but none of the programmes are made specifically for you ! Usually messages with the model, private pictures and videos etc are an extra charge - maybe it’s worth looking at the charges , has he paid a monthly amount or a few monthly amounts to subscribe to a few models or is it continuous amounts which may be payments to chat / have private content made etc … would that make any difference to how you feel about it ? If you knew wether it was a little more personal or not at all?

I think the issue for you is lying - he’s lied this means he knows you wouldn’t be happy about it . An open chat might help you both , set some boundaries, talk about what is ok and what is not . Talk about why he did it - is he feeling neglected and then in that case is this a chance to talk really openly about how you are feeling so he knows it’s not that you feel different about him , but you are struggling. You don’t owe him sex to make him happy when you are down , but also he has needs … maybe he feels that you aren’t attracted to him and a more “ personal “ thing such as only fans , over widely available porn , makes him feel ‘wanted’ but a chat with you about your feelings , whilst it won’t change him having sexual needs, might make him realise that you do still want him and he needs to help you to get back to a place where you are able to have that closeness again x

I will also add that on MN , I do see posts like this and the consensus of replies is pretty much always “ porn is cheating “ . Everyone has different views , not everyone sees it as cheating. If you think it is then that’s your view and it might make it harder to get past but I think a lot of people don’t believe it’s cheating but are probably a bit scared to post that and be jumped on ! Don’t let other views of people or stories of “ my ex did it and we never got past it” cloud your judgement. You are not weak if you don’t want to end your marriage over this. As someone who has been cheated on before , I know finding out my husband had watched web cam models would not in any way be as gut wrenchingly painful as it was to find out that my ex, with whom I had a baby , had had sex multiple times with another woman. I’m happy now but the pain sometimes feels as raw as if it were yesterday .