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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who the hell will I date?

60 replies

crocodileindenial · 26/07/2023 22:50

I'll try not to be too vague.
As a single mum, full time worker, part time student, I have very little time.
I was, and still am, ridiculously happy being on my own after a long long relationship which declined for five years (no intimacy for three) but my mind occasionally thinks of whether I'll be lonely in five years time.
Trouble is, who the hell would want to date me? I'm loud, opinionated, very busy, used to paying my own way, used to being fully in control of everything. I also feel like I'm 25 but have very much the body of the vicar of dibley and the fashion sense of Eddie from Ab Fab. I don't want to change.

The men I see are either hot but late twenties, no kids, no commitments or older, podgier, boring. The young ones won't date someone who's got so much on and the old ones will want sympathy, ego boosting, to be a stepdad... I don't want that at all.
I can think of so much I don't want. I don't want domesticity, I don't want to mother someone, I don't want to be looked after, that it feels like there's no real solution. If I was hot I feel like there would be more options. I don't get any male attention apart from the occasional leering builder or man in a van.
It's all so depressing. Please cheer me up!

OP posts:
Original poster
crocodileindenial · 26/07/2023 23:03

Hello?

OP posts:
Lifeistough74 · 26/07/2023 23:05

Hi

Possimpible · 26/07/2023 23:06

Not to mention, patient!

You sound incredibly negative (and also slightly judgemental) about dating and relationships. It sounds like you're not in a good place for it at the moment. In five years, if you want to start dating, you may well be in a different headspace

LocalHobo · 26/07/2023 23:08

The way you describe yourself sounds similar to the older,pudgier,boring men. Perhaps if you open your mind, those men you are writing off will have hidden depths like you!

Original poster
crocodileindenial · 26/07/2023 23:08

@LocalHobo I'm not sure I do have hidden depths tbh

OP posts:
sixthvestibule · 26/07/2023 23:09

Don’t date then. Sheesh.

alwaysmovingforwards · 26/07/2023 23:09

Maybe single is best then?

RestingMurderousFace · 26/07/2023 23:11

Women?

Startoftheyear2023 · 26/07/2023 23:11

You sound just like me. I totally get this. Not sure of the solution. Being happy in yourself must be worth more than desperately seeking a loser. I'm hoping to meet someone IRL but honestly have no idea how that might actually happen.

Original poster
crocodileindenial · 26/07/2023 23:11

Just feels like you have to compromise a lot, yet on MN we're always told not to compromise and to have high standards.
I can't quite explain it, it's not just an aversion to the physical with older men it's the fact that so many of them either won't let you talk, try to mansplain, want to have the upper hand in conversations, belittle you, it's that which gives me the ick.

OP posts:
User3826 · 26/07/2023 23:14

Stay single for a while longer until you're in a phase of life where a partner slots into your life and you compliment each other. At the moment you sound like you're probably not in the right place to be dating.

Original poster
crocodileindenial · 26/07/2023 23:14

@Startoftheyear2023 depressing isn't it? I just keep thinking, is it just a hangover from the long relationship? Why does no one seem appealing? I just see what my friends end up settling for and they could do so much better, it seems like being in relationships makes them more dependent and weaker somehow? Rather than builds them up?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/07/2023 23:15

I quite like being single myself - certainly no kind of tragedy if I never meet anyone

Original poster
crocodileindenial · 26/07/2023 23:16

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing yeah it's not really a big deal. I think I'm fantastic company Grin

OP posts:
TookTheBook · 26/07/2023 23:19

If I were you, I'd find space in future for a hobby where you might meet men who are into a similar hobby and have a similar outlook then happen to find someone on your level. But right now, why "date"? You don't need to and can't fit it in. Wait until you want to get out and meet people and have time and inclination.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/07/2023 23:32

You sound great fun! Someone who shares your sense of humour, also has a full life and who isn't expecting a gf to be their maid or babysitter - win win when you do find this person!

Original poster
crocodileindenial · 26/07/2023 23:40

I think what worries me is that I don't think it will be easy to find company. Do you think loneliness ever just hits you or is it a sort of growing feeling?
Like tonight I went for a rare child free explore of a different part of the city on my own, got the bus somewhere, walked around, had a pint in a pub, read my book for a bit, went home. Yeah I could have gone in a restaurant on my own but it just seemed full of couples and my confidence had taken a bit of a knock earlier due to a work thing.
90% of the time I'm fine. It's just odd times where I think, I wish someone would text me to say hello or I wish someone would tell me I looked nice but not in a friend sort of way.
Lots of women in this town look like models now. There's so much more emphasis on being stunning rather than when I last dated I was more unique (although cute in a youthful way) and I felt that uniqueness was more valued at the time. I know I'm hardly going to be competing with Love Island finalists but it can make you feel down to compare yourself.
I just feel fat and old and the men who like that want someone to stay home them and be another mum or another wife and that's just not me. I know this cos I listen to them moan about it at work!

OP posts:
Finnegans · 26/07/2023 23:53

There’s a lot going on in your posts that seems uninterrogated. You say you feel ‘fat and old’, but complain about the men you deem ‘older, podgier, boring’ and about whom you seem to have a lot of theories, including them wanting you to stay at home and mother them, plus ‘sympathy, ego-boosting and to be a stepdad’. And you base this on men you work with? You also appear to think you’re somehow unusual in the completely normal desires you outline — most single women are financially independent, used to controlling their own lives etc. No one is making you date!

Original poster
crocodileindenial · 27/07/2023 00:08

@Finnegans well yes but who wants to date someone just like them! I mean practically speaking they couldn't be too rotund or the whole thing wouldn't work, we'd be like a pair of walruses slapping around.
I'm aware that many women are financially stable and independent but they sometimes seem to tone this down in order to appear desirable. I don't want to. Not to say that they act thick or vulnerable!
I think this is what I struggle with, actually conceiving of someone who would want to date me, not due to slim pickings or because he had loads of baggage or because he wanted a house to live in, or because he was divorced and wanted an immediate family again, or because he was running out of options due to dating all of London, but someone who genuinely is interested in me.

OP posts:
CallieQ · 27/07/2023 00:25

You better stay single then!

Possimpible · 27/07/2023 09:05

@crocodileindenial I'm aware that many women are financially stable and independent but they sometimes seem to tone this down in order to appear desirable

Woah, what? First of all, how do you know their financial status? Second of all, how do you know how they represent this to dates? Thirdly! How do you know their motivations? OP you're not coming across well here. You seem a curious mix of insecure and arrogant. I think you need to work on yourself before you even think about dating.

ToxicBiennial · 27/07/2023 09:12

That did make me laugh a little when you like demanded a response after 12 minutes!

Original poster
crocodileindenial · 27/07/2023 09:14

@ToxicBiennial I wanted an immediate resolution to my query before the next episode of Frasier started.

OP posts:
User63847484848 · 27/07/2023 09:15

But you’re lumping older men all together and making sweeping statements/judgements.
maybe there are some fab individuals out there, like you are a fab individual amongst older podgier women.
you sound quite negative and closed minded.

continentallentil · 27/07/2023 09:17

It’s a numbers game. You just have to go online and get on with it.