Who the hell will I date?

[crocodileindenial]

I'll try not to be too vague.
As a single mum, full time worker, part time student, I have very little time.
I was, and still am, ridiculously happy being on my own after a long long relationship which declined for five years (no intimacy for three) but my mind occasionally thinks of whether I'll be lonely in five years time.
Trouble is, who the hell would want to date me? I'm loud, opinionated, very busy, used to paying my own way, used to being fully in control of everything. I also feel like I'm 25 but have very much the body of the vicar of dibley and the fashion sense of Eddie from Ab Fab. I don't want to change.

The men I see are either hot but late twenties, no kids, no commitments or older, podgier, boring. The young ones won't date someone who's got so much on and the old ones will want sympathy, ego boosting, to be a stepdad... I don't want that at all.
I can think of so much I don't want. I don't want domesticity, I don't want to mother someone, I don't want to be looked after, that it feels like there's no real solution. If I was hot I feel like there would be more options. I don't get any male attention apart from the occasional leering builder or man in a van.
It's all so depressing. Please cheer me up!

You sound hard on yourself TBH! I think you sound great.Maybe just date here and there for a while .I think sometimes we get "stuck" on being young ,slim and desirable. Thats only part of who we are though.Almost everyone would want to be 21 again ,yet we all probably were plagued with self doubt then! Confidence is a big turn on as well.Maybe enjoy being single for a while longer .dip into OLD or join clubs whatever .No life is 100% perfect all the while and you will feel lonely sometimes ,but relationships can be hard going as well

Oh, and also your have had a shit relationship while also your identity has had to absorb being a mum, I would spend time refinding you, free time doing things that you enjoy etc go out with friends etc - you are not a half of a couple- you are a whole person - take time to work on you so that you aren't looking for someone to complete you - more to accompany you through life - hence be picky, and the more "you" you feel the more you will know what you want and feel confident in maintaining your boundaries and telling arses to fuck off

And all the old twats were young twats once - they just haven't got the pretty veil of youth to disguise it

It's shallow as hell but when I wanted to fish in a bigger pond I lost weight and got highlights. Boom Potential mates multiplied tenfold.

@maddening that doesn't really ring true to me to be honest. My ex had crippling social anxiety so throughout the relationship I have done most things on my own or with the kids. Holidays, nights out, days out, everything. I have a shit ton of hobbies and creative projects. I love travel (solo, with friends or family). I drive anywhere and everywhere. I love to chat and socialise. However I miss having someone check up on me. I know that there will be a loss when my children grow up. I know I could rock up at a youth hostel in the Amazon as a 68 year old, but maybe I won't want to. Maybe I'll become more self conscious.
I think being an outgoing person can at times being a young persons game. It can be easy to make friends as an interesting, fun 25 year old. You know people want to be around you. You know if that connection fizzles out, then you could find someone else to hang out with. I'm not sure that continues indefinitely. People get busy, you are busy and some people become less social as they get older.

You sound like an interesting person who knows what they want. That’s a good thing. And that will help you not to settle. But you do seem to be dismissing people based on looks. Sexual attraction isn’t really about looks, at least not in the standardised way you’re saying. If that was the case then nobody who doesn’t fit the stereotypes would partner up. Personality makes someone sexy. It appears in their physicality. But you won’t know that unless you talk to people. Perhaps OLD would be the best way forward. You can immediately dismiss the dullards who send messages but you can explore conversation with those with potential.

Interesting post.

I think you sound quite fun but if you're an older, overweight woman with minimal time for herself then why are you thinking of your ideal as 20 something gym fans? Some element of putting obstacles in your way?

There are plenty of 30, 40, 50+ men who aren't mansplainers, podgy, needy or boring. I met loads in the 30s and 40s bracket. Obv not all for me and some liabilities out there but many of them good blokes.

I'm not sure you're in the right place for dating right now with all you have on but in future, stop thinking 'other women look like models these days and men my own age are rather pathetic so why even bother'. It probably comes across as defensive as on here.

In time, make the best of yourself physically (bear in mind that not every man or culture's beauty ideal is slim), work on your self esteem and interests and give dating a try with a willingness for it not to work out first, or even 20th time and for that not to feel like a reflection on you.

Sounds like you expect a spark from the second your eyes lock. It rarely works that way outside of a movie.
That's why people date people who look ok, who are nearly their taste, not people they're repulsed by.

And frankly you have little to lose on taking a chance. Someone asks you put, they seem nice enough, you go and have a nice night and if that's all it is, it's been a nice night, or you leave early, or you end up having mind blowing sex on his kitchen table. Who knows!!

But it's also ok to be single.

OP, you obviously have bags of character, energy, intellect, and are really funny! And you have your own finances sorted out and are not looking for help from anyone. Those are all attractive qualities.

I think many of your characterisations of who is out there are true to an extent, but I get the feeling you are using them as a barrier to stop yourself contemplating getting involved. All you need is to connect with one individual - not convert a whole, stereotypical demographic.... There are plenty men or women, who would like all the stuff above..... if you would be willing to like them back!

This is the problem with the theoretical. You have a bunch of theoretical men grouped into one dimensional stereotypes based on age. Young and hot but with x or y traits, old and unattractive with a and b traits. While stereotypes like this are generally based on an element of truth, they don't account for every man. There will undoubtedly be young hot men who would date you, and older unattractive ones who wouldn't. But more likely than encountering either, is meeting someone somewhere in between, who while on paper may not be a likely match, as a three dimensional person with a unique personality and tastes, just might be. I'd suggest you stop theorising and conduct some research in the field.