Who the hell will I date?

[crocodileindenial]

I'll try not to be too vague.
As a single mum, full time worker, part time student, I have very little time.
I was, and still am, ridiculously happy being on my own after a long long relationship which declined for five years (no intimacy for three) but my mind occasionally thinks of whether I'll be lonely in five years time.
Trouble is, who the hell would want to date me? I'm loud, opinionated, very busy, used to paying my own way, used to being fully in control of everything. I also feel like I'm 25 but have very much the body of the vicar of dibley and the fashion sense of Eddie from Ab Fab. I don't want to change.

The men I see are either hot but late twenties, no kids, no commitments or older, podgier, boring. The young ones won't date someone who's got so much on and the old ones will want sympathy, ego boosting, to be a stepdad... I don't want that at all.
I can think of so much I don't want. I don't want domesticity, I don't want to mother someone, I don't want to be looked after, that it feels like there's no real solution. If I was hot I feel like there would be more options. I don't get any male attention apart from the occasional leering builder or man in a van.
It's all so depressing. Please cheer me up!

@User63847484848 I'm not closed minded. I just can't become attracted to what I'm not attracted to. Plenty of men hold similar attitudes. I'm not offended

I’m 45, separated and dating casually. I have 2 kids and I haven’t met anyone who wants to be a step parent. I’m keeping my dating completely separate from the rest of my life as until I meet someone who could have potential there’s no point even introducing them to friends. Introducing them to family would be years away.
Ive met some interesting people, some idiots, some people who aren’t my type.

But I enjoy dating, meeting new people and all of that. If you don’t enjoy it then don’t do it. Also if you’re down on the way you look then I would work on your self esteem. I’m generally happy with the way I look and very confident about my personality and what I bring to the table.

Maybe lose the weight and get your hair done, see what happens then ? For science ?

OP, lots of people have taken the time to engage with you and respond thoughtfully to what you have written but you have just carried on ranting as if nobody has posted. Are you going to respond? There are lots of insightful comments about your situation. What do you think about them?

@Mountainormolehills I wouldn't say I'm down on the way I look, I'm realistic. Fat is a biological reality, I am fat. It's not in any way linked to my self worth or confidence.
I think there's some cultural narrative that we women of a certain age and body type can't be picky.
In the same way that I wouldn't March up to 28 year old Ben, fresh out the gym, and say 'you need to date me because I'm attracted to you and if you don't you're shallow and ageist' I don't think Ken from the department below should feel that I have to date him because I'm old and complicated and running out of options.

Yes of course 😀

I think this is what I struggle with, actually conceiving of someone who would want to date me,

I think that’s true for a lot of people when they’re in a period of not dating or meeting new people. (And/or perhaps have low self esteem).

It’s not until you start meeting lots of new people which could mean online dating or the dreaded ‘join groups’ where you’ve got common interests in things you’re passionate about that you come across people that you never imagined existed and you click together in ways you never expected. There’s all sorts of people out there but it’s increasing numbers and probability.

@JodyMitchell I think I have responded to a lot, but I'm not going to agree with other misinterpreting my situation. I'm not above self reflection but I think this whole 'don't write people off' is another way of saying 'lower your standards'.

Honestly OP for the 10% of the time you do want to be with somebody I would stay single. The amount of you you have to sacrifice for the 10% is not worth it IME. I have just split with my second H and miss the cuddles in bed, him holding my hand and telling me he loves me. But he was also into checking other women out on the internet / dating websites and so I will give up those things i miss for my own peace of mind and self worth.

I think this basic question could be posed by many people in different ways

Who will fancy me
Why does no one want to date me
Will I ever find someone

But you are fairly specific about I'm happy ...and don't fancy shacking up with any man at the moment. It's more a musing about being alone later?

Don't worry about it, because you might die before that loneliness hits. Enjoy the now. Plenty of people are lonely inside relationships whilst compromising to sustain that relationship. You seem very comfortable in your own skin and unwilling to compromise which is fine. But most relationships involve compromise of some sort....wait until youre ready

I honestly thought no one would want to date me, but my confidence is back completely. You can be fat and confident, but you sound down on yourself, that was my point.

I’m happy to approach someone, and I have (I got a date out of it too!) but equally happy if they aren’t interested. I check body language and I wouldn’t approach someone at my work for example.

I date older and younger, men and women, but I’m picky and swipe ‘no’ far more than ‘yes’ on dating apps. I figure that they know my age and that I have children, if they’re interested then that’s a good start for chatting.

But as I said before - I enjoy it, it’s fun! When it’s not fun then I won’t bother. Sounds like flirting and dating isn’t fun for you.

@honeyandfizz I'm sorry to hear that, what a shit! Enjoy dating yourself again and all the warmth that comes from knowing that you chose yourself and your happiness and safety. You are worth so much more.

I'm fat, with kids, with a career I love, the dress sense of a 14 year old with a Primark gift card, and a ridiculously high sex drive. I went into dating to find some "fun" during my child free time, ended up finding someone who has the same interests as me (and made me fall in love with new ones) and the attitude and drive that matches my own.

The key is to treat life like a game, have fun out there, don't take it too seriously, especially dating.

And men love fat old birds, if they are the right men.

If you want to date people, then you'll probably need to change some things if you want more than "finding a unicorn" success rates. The picture you paint of yourself is of somebody who's fairly unapproachable - the "loud, opinionated" and "completely unwilling to compromise" parts - and most guys won't approach in a social situation if it looks like there's any chance of immediate public rejection; those things are short-term red flags which will probably be indicators of long-term failure.

You're happy as you are, so don't date. Simple. As you said, that may change in the future, so this is a problem for future-you to deal with; there is absolutely no benefit to compromising your current happiness by worrying about a problem that is a few years away at worst, and may never happen.

@ntmdino I'm not completely unwilling to compromise on everything, just in what I seek in a partner. I'm pretty go with the flow on most other things. I tend to lead but I would be willing to not do so, it's just usually the dynamic I find myself in.

@Deargodletitgo you sound great. And happy. I hope it continues to be amazing!

I wouldn't bother unless you feel desperately in need of permanent company, I have been married twice, for about 20 years each time, divorced once then widowed. I wouldn't bother again. My second marriage was great, and I miss him, but added to all the other disadvantages you listed, I am in the age category where it is bound to end in one partner caring for the other. I don't want either, to be cared for or to do the caring, by or to someone without a history of a long loving relationship. Most men aren't worth the effort to be honest.

I don’t think you should lower your standards at all, but I do think you should stop the sweeping judgements. The perfect bloke for you might be old and pudgy, but if you assume every man’s personality based on his age and looks then you’ll walk right past the one you’d love.

Apart from that, the most important thing is to build a fabulous single life. People settle because they think that there’s a person-shaped gap in their lives. Make sure you don’t have that gap, and any future partner becomes a bonus.

Fair enough - I didn't mean to sound judgy (although I can see how it might've come across that way). I was just coming at it from the angle that initial contact is likely to be the main problem to solve - forgive the ratings (I hate it, but...brevity), but in most social situations, if a guy sees an unapproachable 9-10/10 and an approachable 6/10 in the pub, 90% of the time he's going to either strike up a conversation with the 6 or walk away.

In other words, you don't have to fundamentally change who you are, just make it easy for someone to say "Hello!".

@Approaching but you have to fancy them don't you? I mean... surely that's the difference between a friend and a partner? I'm not saying that they have to be a ten or look a certain way but that spark has to be there.

@ntmdino no worries, you didn't sound judgemental, I appreciate it. I completely get what your saying, that example makes sense.

You will not always be a student, your children's demands on you will change as they grow, there is plenty of time to be picky and when you find him chances are your life will be less busy then. Be picky and don't settle

Of course you have to fancy them, but you’ve not actually said “I don’t fancy older fat men because I don’t like the way they look” you’ve said you don’t like them because they’re all insert personality assumption. So I’m saying don’t make the personality assumption.

@maddening yeah I think that's a good shout. Reassess when I'm not free only every other Thursday for an hour.

Yes, you've got to compromise. By all accounts, you don't seem to have a positive opinion of yourself and that is the worst. You'll only attract those who are attracted to your vibe. Said vibe, isn't a positive vibe.

In your shoes, I'd work on myself first - hit the gym, develop some hobbies, try new experiences, etc. but you do you.

Pair of walruses

But you do sound a bit like those men in their 40s and 50s who only want to date much younger women. It's just not true that all men your age only want to stay home and be boring, or that they are all overweight. You might need to open your mind a bit and embrace the walrus love.