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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my partner not wanting our child to go to a childminder?

61 replies

blahblahx · 26/07/2023 17:51

Hello,

I'm at my wits end so bare with me.

My child is 18 months and will be starting nursery when she is 2.5 years old. However, I am returning to some studies in September full time so I am wanting a childminder for 1 day a week until my studying is finished next July.

I've spoken to my partner about this and he is totally against it. He said he would watch our child while I study on the day of the childminder, but he works so I don't see how he would be able to manage this?

I need to study and I would like our child to have some interaction with other kids her age to get her ready for nursery next September. I have met the childminder and she is brilliant, has all her Ofsted certificates, insured, first aid trained etc, and I've heard nothing but good words said about her. The other kids she minds absolutely adore her.

Is my partner being too hasty? Do I try convince him it's for the best, or just wait until our child is in nursery next year and I try study while caring for him?

OP posts:
saffronsoup · 26/07/2023 17:53

If he is willing to take on the childcare, how he manages that is up to him. He wants that day with the child and isn't asking anything of you. Let him do it.

storypushers · 26/07/2023 17:54

Does he give an actual reason? My kids went to a childminder at 9 months and 2.5 and it was the best thing ever for them. They still go now ( 4 and 5) and I don't work anymore I just don't want to stop them going twice a week.

CherryMaDeara · 26/07/2023 17:56

Has he explained how he will do childcare and work at the same time?

I suspect this is sabotage. He will go to work, leaving you alone with dc, so you will have no choice but not to go to class.

Totaly · 26/07/2023 17:57

I would book the place with the childminder as they are like gold dust. I would then send your DH round to meet her. If you’re studying you may get some of the cost back, same with benefits.

BigBananaSplit · 26/07/2023 17:57

Have you discussed this previously? It sounds like you’ve gone quite far in the process - meeting with a childminder - without speaking about it? Childcare should be a discussion between both parents and an agreement of what you are both comfortable with. Is he maybe planning to condense hours at work to do childcare for one day?

LunchBoxPolice · 26/07/2023 17:58

Would he be happy if nursery was an option, is it just the childminder he doesn’t like the idea of?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/07/2023 17:59

He says he will do it so go with that for now - take yourself fully outside the home that day every week. He will sharp change his tune.

FOJN · 26/07/2023 17:59

He said he would watch our child while I study on the day of the childminder, but he works so I don't see how he would be able to manage this?

Why do you have a problem with this? Maybe he will manage or maybe he will find out the hard way that it's just not possible.

I would accept his offer and make sure you don't study anywhere he can keep interrupting you if he's struggling and I would make it clear that if it doesn't work out well then he will be responsible for sorting out a child minder.

Stop protecting/rescuing him from his own naivety/stupidity. Just tell him that's great and let him get on with it.

gamerchick · 26/07/2023 17:59

Ask him how he's going to do childcare. Cast iron stuff, not a wavy 'ill sort it when it comes to it' bollocks.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/07/2023 18:00

Give him a date you plan to start and ask him what plans he is putting in place.
Try to, if possible, study away from home.
If he doesn't give you a reasonable answer, then book the childminder, don't rely on a man for help when your own earning potential and future is on the line.

TwilightSkies · 26/07/2023 18:00

He can’t work and care for a toddler at the same time. It wouldn’t be safe!

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/07/2023 18:01

Can she start nursery earlier instead? Is it the fact that he isn't keen on childminders and prefers nurseries?

How does he plan to work and look after an 18 month old at the same time? My concern would be him saying that but then not actually doing it come September and then you'll be stuck without any childcare. Is he supportive of you studying?

gamerchick · 26/07/2023 18:01

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/07/2023 17:59

He says he will do it so go with that for now - take yourself fully outside the home that day every week. He will sharp change his tune.

Good plan. He can start right now. Get yourself out for the day.

Rainallnight · 26/07/2023 18:01

How does your DP feel about you returning to your studying?

Is there any chance he’s proposed this as a deliberately unworkable solution, and come the day will find - surprise surprise - that he can’t actually work and look after a kid at the same time and will expect you to do it.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 26/07/2023 18:01

Tell him that's great that he can do childcare, give him a list of dates you're going to be studying and explain that you'll be leaving the house at 8am and back around 6pm for each of those days.

Use the money you would have spent on childcare hiring a workstation for those days/pay for Costa coffee and work there (or similar).

If he's expecting you to be in the house (& actually leave most the childcare to you) whilst he looks in every now and again, that is not acceptable.

Your studies are important, it sounds like you are unmarried, so unless you have a hefty bank balance you can't afford to let your education &/or career slide.

He needs to recognise he will have full responsibility for your child during those days, so will need to be home, cancel work, meetings etc and be hands on. If he's willing to do that then let him crack on.

rwalker · 26/07/2023 18:01

How do things work financially is he paying for everything then going to have to pay for childminder as well

HolidayPlansAPlanning · 26/07/2023 18:01

Is he supportive of your studying? Does he believe you can work whilst looking after a toddler which is why he suggested he will do it, implying you shouldn't need a childminder? Has he ever been in sole charge of his own child for hours on end without you being there in the background?

Get him to practise now, have that day with his child, you will take yourself out for the day as you will be unavailable when this actually happens later in the year. I bet he changes his mind.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 26/07/2023 18:01

Ask yourself why he is reluctant.. Is he worried about dc or worried you are becoming independent?

MintJulia · 26/07/2023 18:02

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/07/2023 17:59

He says he will do it so go with that for now - take yourself fully outside the home that day every week. He will sharp change his tune.

This. But the day you are forced to change your plans because he 'has to go into work' is the day you book the childminder.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/07/2023 18:02

Your child is miles, mikes better off with a good childminder than looked after by a parent trying to work at the same time and half-arsing both.

I feel from your OP as though you don’t think he’ll actually do it, and might lump you with the multi tasking when it comes to it?

Whaleandsnail6 · 26/07/2023 18:03

Id let him try it his way but make it clear before hand that I will be leaving the house to study and wont be on hand to suddenly take over of looking after little one on those days.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/07/2023 18:03

MintJulia · 26/07/2023 18:02

This. But the day you are forced to change your plans because he 'has to go into work' is the day you book the childminder.

Show quote history

Problem is that it’ll then be too late to get someone immediately- much better to have it planned in advance

SavBlancTonight · 26/07/2023 18:06

Impossible to advise without knowing 1. Does he say why he doesn't want a childminder and 2. Will he actually look after your dc or will he be working at home and expect you to do it?

GabriellaMontez · 26/07/2023 18:09

You must have said "how will you manage, you're working?"

What did he say? Does he have a plan? Because I don't think the cm is necessarily better than him.

As others have said, make sure you aren't there.

FOJN · 26/07/2023 18:11

MintJulia · 26/07/2023 18:02

This. But the day you are forced to change your plans because he 'has to go into work' is the day you book the childminder.

Show quote history

No, that's the day HE sorts the childminder.

OP is trying to make plans now to ensure he can work and she can study, he doesn't like her solution. We can all see his suggestion is unlikely to work but it's HIS problem now, not OP's.