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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my partner not wanting our child to go to a childminder?

61 replies

blahblahx · 26/07/2023 17:51

Hello,

I'm at my wits end so bare with me.

My child is 18 months and will be starting nursery when she is 2.5 years old. However, I am returning to some studies in September full time so I am wanting a childminder for 1 day a week until my studying is finished next July.

I've spoken to my partner about this and he is totally against it. He said he would watch our child while I study on the day of the childminder, but he works so I don't see how he would be able to manage this?

I need to study and I would like our child to have some interaction with other kids her age to get her ready for nursery next September. I have met the childminder and she is brilliant, has all her Ofsted certificates, insured, first aid trained etc, and I've heard nothing but good words said about her. The other kids she minds absolutely adore her.

Is my partner being too hasty? Do I try convince him it's for the best, or just wait until our child is in nursery next year and I try study while caring for him?

OP posts:
Fizzology · 26/07/2023 18:12

What's his plan his back-up plan?

Are you planning to do your studying at home, so that you will be constantly interrupted and he can drop all responsibility onto you when he wants/needs to? If so, you need to find another study space and be clear that on that day, you will not be home and will not be available as childcare (this where he needs a back-up plan).

decaffonlypls · 26/07/2023 18:13

Fine but I would physically leave and either go to uni/college or go to a library. Otherwise the likelihood is you will end up doing the work.

Ponderingwindow · 26/07/2023 18:15

I’m not a fan of childminders for young children so it would not be my first choice either.

It seems like you have a communication gap or perhaps we just don’t have the whole story here. Has he made actual plans to cover your study time or is he just planning to multi-task and not actually thinking it through? What would happen if you left the house and went to study at the library?

would he be more comfortable paying for a nanny?

Brk · 26/07/2023 18:17

He just doesn’t wanna pay for the childminder.

Tell him a toddler doesn’t need “watching” she needs teaching. Constant, constant talking to her. When my child was 18 months I explained what every single word we passed in the street said - road sign, door numbers, stree sign etc. I also read to her for an hr in the morning and another hr in the evening. The rest of the time I spent exercising her, taking her to playgroups so I could coach her through the social conflicts that happen, befriending other mums to get playdates, making meals etc etc

I bet your DH doesn’t plan to do any of that but if he is willing to, he’ll need to either work nights (which might work?) or work compressed or reduced hours so he has one day a week free.

Lovingitallnow · 26/07/2023 18:18

His solution is for him to supervise whilst you're studying so why on earth would you study whilst caring for him. I'd say that's a fantastic idea. Let's trial it the next 2 Fridays and see how it goes. And then book the childminder place when he realizes his solution isn't a solution.

Notimeforaname · 26/07/2023 18:19

If he is willing to take on the childcare, how he manages that is up to him. He wants that day with the child and isn't asking anything of you. Let him do it.

My thought exactly. It will be completely his responsibility if that's what he wants. Including finding alternative care for any days he is not available himself. If it doesn't work out, he can contact a childminder to set it up.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 26/07/2023 18:22

As we don't know what his reasoning is, it's hard to respond fully e.g e.g concerns regarding finances or sabotaging your studies ...
But, there is no way any working parent can meet anything other than a toddler's basic needs at the same time as working. He may be correct that he can ensure the dc is fed, changed and hopefully not in danger. But beyond that? How will he interact, observe, guide, stimulate , explore, be active, creative, social etc etc.
I wouldn't be happy with my 18month old doing so little for a whole day once a week. I doubt the child eould be happy either.

Original poster
blahblahx · 26/07/2023 18:47

Thanks for the replies everyone, they're very much appreciated :)

He has given no specific reason why to be honest. He said he would mind her while I study.

But this is a man who naps during the day when he should be working..

OP posts:
IAmNoLady · 26/07/2023 18:51

I would say, OK then, I will study from the local library one day a week. Leave him home with toddler. See how quickly he changes his mind.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 26/07/2023 18:58

IAmNoLady · 26/07/2023 18:51

I would say, OK then, I will study from the local library one day a week. Leave him home with toddler. See how quickly he changes his mind.

But by then the place at the childminders will have gone.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 26/07/2023 19:01

But this is a man who naps during the day when he should be working what?

Does he regularly care for her by himself currently? I mean for more than an hour or 2? Does he nap ...?

TomatoSandwiches · 26/07/2023 19:04

If he's going to fall asleep whilst supposedly taking care of her then just book the childminder, ehatbis he going to do exactly?

GrumpyPanda · 26/07/2023 19:13

Get the child minder and accept his kind offer for a second day every week. You say in your OP you'll be taking up "some" studies "full time", which isn't terribly clear but chances are you'll need the extra time.

Scrotox · 26/07/2023 19:18

blahblahx · 26/07/2023 18:47

Thanks for the replies everyone, they're very much appreciated :)

He has given no specific reason why to be honest. He said he would mind her while I study.

But this is a man who naps during the day when he should be working..

Wtf?

Is he being paid while he's napping?

Justashley · 26/07/2023 19:21

If he is willing to take on the childcare, how he manages that is up to him. He wants that day with the child and isn't asking anything of you. Let him do it.

I'd personally disagree with this, it's impossible to look after a child properly and work, I wouldn't accept I'll just keep an eye while I'm working in lieu of actual stimulating childcare.

OP I would ask him to be honest about what the issue is and then it might be something that's easily sorted. Money? Not a fan of childminders? Concerned about you studying?

Canisaysomething · 26/07/2023 19:22

How is a single day of child care going to allow you to study full time from September? Looking after a child is a full time job, not something you do on the side whilst you work or study.

saffronsoup · 26/07/2023 19:24

Justashley · 26/07/2023 19:21

If he is willing to take on the childcare, how he manages that is up to him. He wants that day with the child and isn't asking anything of you. Let him do it.

I'd personally disagree with this, it's impossible to look after a child properly and work, I wouldn't accept I'll just keep an eye while I'm working in lieu of actual stimulating childcare.

OP I would ask him to be honest about what the issue is and then it might be something that's easily sorted. Money? Not a fan of childminders? Concerned about you studying?

Depends on the job.

ButterCrackers · 26/07/2023 19:28

Just say ok and that you’ll be at the library the whole day until the evening. Leave at 7am. Go to a cafe and then the library. Stay out until after your child’s bedtime. Get as much studying done as possible whilst your dp is doing the work of the childminder and also his parenting responsibilities.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 26/07/2023 19:28

CherryMaDeara · 26/07/2023 17:56

Has he explained how he will do childcare and work at the same time?

I suspect this is sabotage. He will go to work, leaving you alone with dc, so you will have no choice but not to go to class.

This is what I was wondering.

Does he have form for sabotaging what you want OP? Does he think it's your 'job' to do the heavy lifting with your mutual child?

Does his employer agree with his so called plans ... which I'm skeptical about... ?

Justashley · 26/07/2023 19:29

saffronsoup · 26/07/2023 19:24

Depends on the job.

Show quote history

No it doesn't. It's possible to do the bare minimum in some jobs by keeping the child safe and fed, but impossible to give them the same level of attention, developmental opportunities and most importantly fun or anything close whilst working. If there is literally no other option then sure for the short term its fine but far from ideal, in this case where its not clear what the deal is then I wouldn't agree with this.

Rainiestsummer · 26/07/2023 19:32

So he has offered an alternative (he looks after the child) but the Op is jumping straight to her looking after him while studying - why not let him try it and I imagine he will soon rue the day - at which point, get the childminder.
Though I don't think toddlers need to go somewhere else to "prepare" for nursery, unless they never meet any other children at groups etc.

sanityisamyth · 26/07/2023 19:33

He's offered. It makes it his problem. I spent a lot of hours in Wetherspoons studying for my degree (and did OK!). Free wifi, unlimited refills for hot drinks, warmth, electricity! What's not to like?! Just go out at 8.30am and come home at 5.30pm.

mummy21blueeyed · 26/07/2023 19:36

My child’s dad is the same but he’s out to work at 06/06:30 every day sometimes working away etc and I do all pick ups drop offs to childminders and i pay for it all to so he doesn’t get a say I work term time and she can go all year round so he groans when I send her while I’m off work but sod him. He should stop working so much and get involved more if he wants it any different and this is exactly the attitude you should have. If the childminder is good and you and your child are happy sod what he thinks!

Twyford · 26/07/2023 19:42

Does he realise that napping during the day when he is looking after a small child won't be an option? I know she may sleep some of he time, but presumably he will need to work then.

Anothernamethesamegame · 26/07/2023 19:42

blahblahx · 26/07/2023 18:47

Thanks for the replies everyone, they're very much appreciated :)

He has given no specific reason why to be honest. He said he would mind her while I study.

But this is a man who naps during the day when he should be working..

Personally I’d agree to this. I’d just be very clear that the one day a week is his responsibility to manage. You won’t be stepping in if he needs to work.
fine if he wants to have time with his child rather than put them with a child minder, so long as he accepts responsibility completely for Managing her care that day of the week.

presumably he can care for her safely?!