Maternity leave needs to be redesigned

[PlumPudd]

Did you enjoy your maternity leave? Because I’m finding mine a challenge (50% exhaustion and terror, 30% boredom, 20% joy) and I can’t help but feel it’s something to do with the way it’s set up.

No idea what the alternative should be but surely entirely dropping entirely out of society and work for a year and having solo care of a tiny helpless lovely being who is attached to you like an oyster on a rock all the time - then doing a 180 and going back to full on work and life but still caring for your kids is not how it’s supposed to be?

Feel that in some ways (not health, sexism, life expectancy etc) things must have been better in the past, when there would be a bevy of aunties, neighbours, siblings and friends around you in your village, and you’d look after your baby but still spend a bit of your time working / cooking and share a bit of the baby care with the others there would be a bit more of a balance between babies and the rest of life.

Not articulating this very well, but somehow feel this lurching between extremes - a year of nothing but baby then back to normal - is not how it’s meant to be and not really good for anyone.

What would a better alternative look like? Is one even possible now modern society has changed so much and we live and work in different ways?

Agreed - and that's before we even start on the stupid arrangements for pay.

Slower returns to work would help but that's not how employers or child care providers prefer it.

I didn’t enjoy Mat leave at all really, I had few friends in the area at the time

It's a huge problem, resulting in a lot of poor maternal mental health. It should be shared with paternity leave at the very least.

I didn't enjoy my 1st year at home with my DD at all, she was a very poor sleeper and I felt exhausted and isolated. None of my friends had had children, and the baby groups I tried were horribly clicky and I came away feeling even worse. I completely lost myself, and then found trying to work part time after a year was even more horrific as I had family looking after DD who would let me down at the drop of a hat. And work just expected you to fall back in, and I felt that I wasn't the person that had left. I floundered so badly that I ended up handing my notice in after 3 weeks.

Personally I prefer to be with my children as they grow up and many others whose work isn't fulfilling or is downright awful also prefer to be with their children, but it requires society to value childrearing as important and essential and also it requires a network of ways to meet other parents and to have social support. We're not supposed to do it alone.

In the past my gran was forced to resign when she got married... (Late 1950s) so not sure it was as idyllic as you think. You have choices? Nobody's forcing you to stop working for a year. Friends of mine took 6 months as they didn't want to leave the workplace for so long. Some shared with their partner where this was possible. You could still split childcare with siblings and aunties if you had those connections? I feel like this is on you to organise?

I don't feel like I've dropped out of society at all? and I have keep in touch days and stay in contact with my supervisor via text. And I'm going back part time using annual leave days. and my partner is having some shared parental leave. I'm not sure another arrangement which would easily allow my employer to recruit a full time mat leave cover for a set period. It's what you make of it, there's plenty of choices and options.

I don’t think maternity leave is “designed” in any way at all - it’s up to you what you do with it. The difficulty is you don’t know what it’ll be like until you’re doing it. Nobody can magic up aunties and cousins nearby. In a way, maternity leave is an intense starter period of overall what it’s like with children - you don’t stop needing support and backup when you go back to work. So starting to think about that is a good plan. That’s life with children though, not just a ML thing.

I think it depends on your employer though.
I have had 1 KIT day because I can't find childcare.
I have to go back full time because have no annual leave.
Which is fine, I've done mat leave before and I know the score, but it isn't true that all peoples employers give them options and choices. My last employer hated women who had babies and made everything very difficult for those of us on mat leave.

What did you think would happen? Yes, it's tough. No, people don't talk about it in the media. Yes, you're an adult now and it's your job to make it work as best you can.

That's why we're on MN isn't it, to get support and share our reality in a way we often can't in real life or on other social media.

Maternity leave is designed to allow mums to physically recover from the birth, establish feeding and sleep patterns and get the baby to a stage when they can reasonably be left with a child minder or nursery.

From the employers point of view it means they can put out a 12 month or 15 month contract for a maternity relief, and have a nice clean working solution.

I know what you mean though. I was new to the village when ds was born so didn't know many people, and had no family close by. Ex refused to take paternity leave and went straight back to work the day after ds was born. So, recovered but bored & lonely after a couple of weeks, I put ds in a sling & went hiking along the Ridgeway. It was August & glorious. DS and I spent Aug-Oct out and about. It was fab - fresh air & exercise cheered me up, lots of people to say hello to on the way, lost my mum tum quickly. Bliss. DS snoozed or watched the combines working. 😊

I have to be honest I loved mine. Especially early days when baby just slept in pram and i could go anywhere. Lovely long walks and lunches out. Met with friends, I visited a couple of museums and art galleries.

Also the lazy days cuddling baby and just watching some TV or reading while drinking coffee all day were amazing.

I didn't take a year off as we simply couldn't afford to. I shared my maternity/parental leave with my DP.

I know other women who didn't take a year off due to finances, and other couples who shared their leave with one another.

Both myself and my DP due to previous volunteer work and where we live know elderly people. So if they aren't our neighbours, we were able to take our DD to see them. Our DD aged 4 still specifically draws pictures for a couple of them. 😂

BTW I agree with @Talipesmum maternity leave is what you make of it.

Employers vary wildly. I was refused KIT days and was 'made redundant' first morning back, followed by an unfair dismissal case for 10 months (which I won). But not helpful at all.

I agree with you in principle but you need to understand that you are speaking from a position of privilege. This isn't a criticism, but remember that it's mostly sheer chance that you aren't one of the women who experience life-changing complications during birth, or whose babies have additional needs, and for a lot of women a year of absolutely no demands from work is the minimum they need in order to recover and work out whether there's any room in their changed world for any work at all. For those women, the current expectation of a year completely out is right. Many of them can't afford to simply give up work but they are in no state to fathom what they are actually capable of for quite a while after birth. Therefore it's appropriate for all employers to plan and reckon for all the default of being gone for 9 months to a year because it would be totally shafting for the business to be expecting a woman to just be taking a few weeks off and then working part-time/flexibly, only to discover at the last minute that they have to recruit maternity cover after all.

What certainly could be expanded is more flexibility of options for those women who are lucky enough to have the energy to start working again quickly, and an easy enough baby, such that they can more easily be categorised as eg 50% still on maternity leave, 50% working - if that works for both them and for the employers.

I needed 9 months and could really have done with 12 but couldn't afford it.

Same. I spent a lot of time with my antenatal group friends and really didn't want to return to work when the time came, but sadly had to.

I agree that families in society aren’t set up for us to have babies in the healthiest way possible now that people are often spread out and don’t have aunties and grandparents around. We have chosen this though and it is balanced by other benefits like better housing and incomes etc.

I don’t agree that we drop out of society. For me it was like joining a different society that happened while everyone else was at work. There are plenty of support groups, baby groups, play sessions, breastfeeding cafes etc that new mums shouldn’t have to feel isolated if they make the effort to get out.

Much of it will just be down to personal preference. In two very similar may leaves one mum might love it and another might be bored out of her brain.

I agree the way things are aren't great for mother or baby. I stayed home till they were in school, that was always the plan for our family as that's how my husband and I were raised. However I think that if a return to work is always in your plans it would be much better if there was an option for it to be staggered so baby can get used to being without mum slowly and so that mum doesn't get overwhelmed. I suppose the only issue with that is it would complicate things for the business you work for.

I agree OP. I found a years mat leave really difficult with my first, not helped by it being just after lockdown so very few classes / drop ins available. Plus we don't live by family so I was trying to make a village from scratch IYSWIM.

This time round I'm taking 6 months and then DH is taking shared parental leave. And thank God, because DC2 is a refluxy velcro baby so the options to just stick her in a sling and go for a walk don't really work this time so I'm stuck at home a lot and going slightly nuts with it.

There are downsides to going back earlier, like trying to work out breastfeeding / pumping for my return to work, but it feels far better and I feel less isolated knowing DH will be having a similar experience.

how do you mean?
do you want women to have less time so men can have time off work too

Having a group of mum friends who are also on maternity leave makes a HUGE difference! I would recommend NCT to anyone expecting, obviously you are past that bit now but might be worth seeing if nct do anything similar for parents who have already had their baby.

If the father is involved then there’s also the option of shared parental leave which could address a lot of the issues you mention.

I’ve been thinking about this and how if you go back to work at all your maternity leave stops (except for your allocated keep in touch days). What I would love is, 3 months complement off and then you can come back part time but still received your mat leave pay (if it’s enhanced).But I get how this is hard for companies as it’s easier for them to get mat cover for a set amount of time.

I loved every moment of my maternity leaves and was very sad when it ended. I did not feel at all isolated; time with a baby was extremely sociable for me. Contrast that with an injury and leg operation I had a few years ago with 10 months recovery and intensive physio. That really was lonely and isolating. Having a baby was a breeze in comparison.
What I enjoyed a lot about mat leave was switching my phone and computer off and having nothing whatsoever to do with work. I’d have hated the creep in of work during a staggered start. For me, once you’re thinking about work, you’re no longer off.

Interestingly, I was a big proponent of shared parental leave before I had our eldest. I took ten months off, and my husband took two. I hated it. I was desperately jealous of those two months he had, and our daughter was still breastfeeding a lot and not ready to be apart from me. Luckily it was made easier by working from home during Covid. For the second baby, I took the full year and loved it. Both he and I were much more ready by the end of the year than at 10 months.

My husband’s employer has just introduced more generous parental leave for fathers. If we had a third child, I’d still take the full year though, and my husband would take a few months at the same time as me. I’d find that extremely helpful.

As for the “village”, it works for some, but not others. What others see as “family help” I see as interference. I’m eternally grateful that both our families live 3-4 hours away, so I’ve been able to bring up my children in my own way, without arguments, drama and meddling.