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Original poster

Maternity leave needs to be redesigned

174 replies

PlumPudd · 26/07/2023 10:01

Did you enjoy your maternity leave? Because I’m finding mine a challenge (50% exhaustion and terror, 30% boredom, 20% joy) and I can’t help but feel it’s something to do with the way it’s set up.

No idea what the alternative should be but surely entirely dropping entirely out of society and work for a year and having solo care of a tiny helpless lovely being who is attached to you like an oyster on a rock all the time - then doing a 180 and going back to full on work and life but still caring for your kids is not how it’s supposed to be?

Feel that in some ways (not health, sexism, life expectancy etc) things must have been better in the past, when there would be a bevy of aunties, neighbours, siblings and friends around you in your village, and you’d look after your baby but still spend a bit of your time working / cooking and share a bit of the baby care with the others there would be a bit more of a balance between babies and the rest of life.

Not articulating this very well, but somehow feel this lurching between extremes - a year of nothing but baby then back to normal - is not how it’s meant to be and not really good for anyone.

What would a better alternative look like? Is one even possible now modern society has changed so much and we live and work in different ways?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/07/2023 13:26

ShadowPuppets · 26/07/2023 13:20

I had two very grumpy babies (both have subsequently become charming toddlers!) and I hated the advice to 'just get out of the house' - honestly, being in a cafe/library/gallery/class/park when your baby just won't stop screaming is honestly more depressing than having them do it in private at home. Walks did work with DC1 (and god I went on thousands, she was a lockdown baby) but not an option with DC2 when I had a toddler to entertain and also DC2 screamed whenever he went in the carrycot so I didn't manage to leave the house until he was in the seat.

What did make a huge difference for me was that DH was made redundant when DC2 was 3 months old. He received a great redundancy package and we decided that I would go back to work at 9 months and then he'd look for something to start when DC2 was a year old. As a result we had 6 months together and honestly I think I'd have had a breakdown if he hadn't been around. And for the moments when DC2 wasn't screaming it was lovely - we spent proper, quality time together in a way we're not likely to until retirement now.

So my hugely unpopular, never-gonna-happen policy is that when a baby is born, both mum AND dad should be entitled to a year off, paid, together, at the same time. Sorts out any potential discrimination issues because literally anyone could be gone for a year, male or female. No issues with having to 'trade' mat leave for SPL. Truly equal parenting. Noone stuck alone without another adult to speak to, because your partner is there. You're both managing the load, together, as a couple. And it's an opportunity for you to bond as a couple during one of the hardest parts of your relationship. I bet there'd be much less PND and fewer couples with preschoolers splitting up.

Never going to happen, obviously, totally unaffordable. But it would work.

This would be amazing if it happened!

Doesn’t help idiots like me who had babies whilst self employed but that was my own foolishness (I’m employed now funnily enough)

passthesugar · 26/07/2023 13:29

Agreed OP. We did not evolve in the sort of social silos we live in today, which makes raising a family harder than it might otherwise be. But things being as they are - no "village" support - I'm not sure how maternity leave could be redesigned to fix that, although I believe that's partly what shared parental leave was intended to achieve

ShadowPuppets · 26/07/2023 13:30

bussteward · 26/07/2023 13:23

@ShadowPuppets That would be the perfect scenario really wouldn’t it? I’d vote for you.

😂Thank you! I'm not sure I want the responsibility of being in charge of policy but I'd happily offer that idea up to whichever of them wind up in power next!

LividHot · 26/07/2023 13:32

Mate.

Mine coincided with the first covid lockdown. I can’t EVEN.

pitterypattery00 · 26/07/2023 13:32

My mat leave was during lockdown so that obviously had a massive impact. But generally, it felt like a year out of my real life. It all felt a bit surreal. I enjoyed parts of it but when I went back to work after 12mths my overwhelming feeling was my life had resumed. It made me wonder if for women who have a second or third child in fairly quick succession the 'year out' feeling doesn't exist as that becomes their new norm? For me, I couldn't have coped with that being my 'normal' life and so I have only one child!

WimbyAce · 26/07/2023 13:39

I didn't really enjoy my 1st mat leave but my 2nd one was great tbh. I think as I already had set routines with child 1, school runs etc that it meant I had structure and a reason for getting up and out. I really struggle if I have no structure. I did KIT days 2nd time and didn't really enjoy them so didn't do many. It's always going to be a leap going back to work but doesn't take long to find your feet again.

Callmesleepy · 26/07/2023 13:43

We do a slow return to work which is ideal. You do a bit week one, a bit more week two, all the way up to full hours. I'd highly recommend it.

Thistooshallpsss · 26/07/2023 13:52

I don’t think this idealised village has really existed for a long time if ever. I had my first child 36 years ago lived a long way from family as did most of my compatriots, paid maternity leave was I think six weeks there were no baby classes except nct and I think a crèche at the sports centre. I gradually found friends who lived locally who also had babies remember there was no internet. I gradually adjusted built a patio and forged a new life for myself and had two more babies before working in a completely different field. Kit day didn’t exist there weren’t that many nurseries and after school clubs were like gold dust.

neverenoughchelseaboots · 26/07/2023 13:53

I went back to work Monday, Wednesday and Friday after 3 months for the first year. I loved it.

I treasured work and my baby all the more for having a rest from it the previous day.

londonmummy1966 · 26/07/2023 14:04

As someone who didn't get maternity leave (self employed) I can say that the mix and match option is not a bed of roses - I had to go back into the office when DD2 was less than 2 weeks old to deal with some issues despite the fact that I was still bleeding heavily, had had less than 3 hours uninterrupted sleep since she was born and was suffering from baby blues.

BlueLiquid · 26/07/2023 14:08

You make it sound like you’re mandated to have a baby and take a year off.

Hufflepods · 26/07/2023 14:09

londonmummy1966 · 26/07/2023 14:04

As someone who didn't get maternity leave (self employed) I can say that the mix and match option is not a bed of roses - I had to go back into the office when DD2 was less than 2 weeks old to deal with some issues despite the fact that I was still bleeding heavily, had had less than 3 hours uninterrupted sleep since she was born and was suffering from baby blues.

Surely you did get maternity leave you just didn't want to take it? You can still get maternity allowance if you're self employed, financially its the same as statutory maternity pay which for many women is all they get, myself included.

KEG05 · 26/07/2023 14:12

I’m nearing the end of my third May leave. First when I was 19 and second during covid. Not sure I really enjoyed them but I’ve loved nearly every single second this time although have ever increasing anxiety about going back to work. And I do like my job. But the idea of not being at home all the time is hard this time round. I’m not ready to go back. Maybe if I’d stayed working a day a week from earlier on and been awake to continue Mat leave it wouldn’t be so bad. Who knows. I agree it doesn’t work really but not sure what would be a better way.

LlynTegid · 26/07/2023 14:12

Agree with the OP, not sure what better options would be.

Hankunamatata · 26/07/2023 14:14

Quite a few friends who work goevement jobs take 9 months then use accrued leave to return part time.
I guess epxreice depends if you have lots of family support

Hibiscrubbed · 26/07/2023 14:22

I found it all boring as shit and went back to work after three months.

Fifthtimelucky · 26/07/2023 14:33

No one is asking anyone to drop out of society or of work for a year. But the option is there if women want it. That's a big change.

When I had my first (and she's only in her mid twenties now) I had 14 weeks paid maternity leave. That was considered generous. Annual leave didn't accrue while on maternity leave and there were no KIT days. My husband was entitled to 5 days paternity leave. That was also considered generous.

Most women I knew went back to work when their babies were 3 months old (or not at all).
I hadn't taken much leave in the previous year so managed to make my annual and maternity leave last until my daughter was 5 months.

I was lucky to be able to return to work part-time work but it was in a different job from the one I left (with the same employer).

I didn't live anywhere close to my family (or my husband's) so there were no grandparents or aunts and uncles to help. That was obviously my choice when I moved away from home. Had I stayed in my home town, support would have been available.

Maternity leave may not be perfect now. But it's a lot better than it was 20 odd years ago!

HideousKinky · 26/07/2023 14:48

I think you are idealizing how things were in the past eg, when my mother had me & my siblings she had absolutely no family support - all grandparents dead, no aunts or any other family nearby.

My daughter just finished her maternity leave and I have been delighted to see how much she enjoyed it. She seems to have settled well back into work and the baby is very happy at nursery (though it is very expensive)

Ohmylovejune · 26/07/2023 14:53

Actually Maternity Leave has changed a lot!

My children are 25 and 27 and I had 4 weeks full pay, 8 weeks reduced and then back to work at 12 weeks!

Since then the improved rates and length have changed, paternity introduced and the ability to share the maternity period with the father brought in!

Ohmylovejune · 26/07/2023 14:54

Oh and holiday earned while on maternity!

Pretty sure we didn't have that either as holidays weren't embedded in law then like they are now.

EsmeSusanOgg · 26/07/2023 14:55

We're using shared parental leave. I will have 6 months at full pay. And will take some keeping in touch days too so that I am on top of any changes with my job. I will then use annual leave to phase back into work.

My husband is taking 13 weeks at statuatory pay, but also using shared parental keeping in touch days to keep on top of work changes and mean our household income doesn't take too big a hit.

We both work full time, but can use leave to cover some of the in between.

The big hit is nursery fees as they are extortionate until some of the free hours kick in at age 3. We're in Wales, where the government aid they'd extend childcare offer to 2 year olds a couple of years ago... But they seem to be dragging their feet and it is unlikly to happen until our soon to be born baby is too old to benefit.

Other countries offer a bigger amount of pooled leave between 18 and 24 months to be used between both parents as best works for them. Other countries also have more subsidised childcare before kids are in compulsory education. Unfortunately the UK is a bit poor in this regards. Though at least we're not as terrible as the US (small mercies!)

brunettemic · 26/07/2023 15:00

I honestly think better Paternity leave/pay would help. The family load is shared better etc. I don’t mean shared parental leave, I mean better paternity leave, more chance for a family unit to be created and all that comes with that. Level things up.

Dinoswearunderpants · 26/07/2023 15:06

Loved my maternity leave.

Six months full pay, three months statutory pay then three months of no pay. I used all 10 KIT days in the last three months so got some pay.

I accrued all my holiday and part of my bonus.

I loved spending the first year with my DS. We were just coming out of COVID but we got lots of holidays and days out done plus the usual baby classes.

I barely thought about work. Hated returning and having that guilt but I returned four days a week.

I feel like I have a great work/life balance. DS does to a childminder three days a week and the other days are one with me and one with Dad then weekends.

I used COVID as a time to save so much money that I was able to continue with my usual lifestyle whilst on maternity leave.

CovertImage · 26/07/2023 15:07

I love this one-way "village" nonsense. The village mainly seems to be about helping women with children without any reciprocation for anyone else

TeamSleep · 26/07/2023 15:09

I agree OP and I think in it would be nice if looking after the child would be split between both parents from about 12 weeks once the mother has recovered physically from the birth. That way both parents get the best of both worlds.