To worry that DC will have no financial help as adults?

[Skye109]

My DC are 9 and 11.
My 9 year old has SEN with literacy and numeracy skills assessed as 3 school years behind where she should be for her age, which is a huge worry to me, although she's bright and intelligent in every other area of her life. My 11 year old has no SEN but is very behind in maths and finds school work quite difficult in general.
I can't see either of them excelling in their GCSEs or in further education because neither of them are showing any signs of excelling at school.
This makes me worry about their ability to earn good salaries as adults.
I literally don't know how they're going to get on the housing ladder as adults. Buying a property as acfirsg time buyer is going to require enormous salaries with the housing market as it is and I just can't see either of them earning high salaries.

We live in a tiny house. It's in a sought after area and the surrounding environment is lovely but the house itself is miniscule with the 3rd bedroom a tiny box room. We don't have enough space for 4 adults to live in the house together, it's cramped enough at the age they are now, let alone when they're adult sized. There is no hope whatsoever of us moving to a bigger house because we can't afford to.
Neither my DH or I are going to get any financial inheritance. None whatsoever.
And neither of us has any savings. We are middle earners, and every penny that comes in each month goes back out again. We have nothing left over at the end of each month. The cost of living increase is petrifying, because we have no spare or extra money to cover the increase in living costs.
Having children costs an absolute fortune - food (my DS doesn't stop eating these days!), clothes, school uniform, shoes, coats, days out, birthdays, Christmas, party invites meaning buying presents, etc. It's endless expense.
We have nothing to give them when they are young adults. No savings, no inheritance. Nothing. I don't know how they will cope financially and its worrying me so much.
Meanwhile, every friend they both have has a future that's secured financially. Their parents openly talk to me about having second homes providing rental income that's all being saved for their DC futures, or they talk about massive inheritances they've received that they've put in to savings for their DC future, or they're massively high earners and have been putting a chunk of their salaries in to savings since their DC were born and will continue to do so, or they are in the process of buying a second home for their DC to live in when they leave home or rent out depending on what they decide to do.
I'm not exaggerating here. Literally every school friend my DC have fit in to one of the above categories.
And it's occurred to me that when my DC are older, they are going to be surrounded by lifelong friends who are gifted enough money to significantly change their lives financially, whilst my DC will have nothing.

It's a bleak outlook for them and I'm so worried. Surely they will feel this when they are older
We are managing to provide well for them at this age, but we literally do not have any financial means to provide for them as adults.
They are such bright, happy, content and joyous children, I am so worried that they won't have bright, happy futures because financial security underpins a happy and stable adult life.

Pointless worrying about a future you can’t control is daft. Focus on the things you can do to help your children develop and grow. No one knows what’s round the corner.

Maybe they will rent. Maybe they will become tradespeople and earn well that way. Maybe they will pass all their exams. Maybe they will marry rich partners. maybe they will always have a low income but scrape by and be happy...
There's no way of knowing what will happen.
Most adults are not gifted significant amounts of money. Your love and care for your children shines through your post. That is what stands them in good stead for the future.

Don't worry, there are many ways to excel in work but not at school. There are apprenticeships, working up in companies. A couple of my mums friends are high earners and they never got good grades at school. My cousin worked up in a bank straight from school and now is high up.

Also my partner and I really struggle too atm I've been putting 20-40 a month into our child's saving. Every penny counts. You have 7 years till classed adults and some savings you can specify release at 25. I chuck in any Penny ect over time it does slowly accumulate something. I mean 20 a month for 7 years is 1666 that's not nothing for a bit of help :)

So they don't have any friends with parents who live in rented accommodation, or are on minimum wage, or who have limited opportunity for financial development?

I doubt if your friendship circles are the norm or that most children are going to be financially cushioned in the way you describe.

The world changes quite fast and the situation they face in 10 years time will be very different from what we have now. It might be worse, it might be better.

No matter what happens most of the population will be getting by on minimum wage or not much above jobs just like they do now. Most of us are getting buy without our parents having saved up loads of money for us and so will the next generation. This obsession people have now with saving for your children is strange.

My personal prediction is that owning homes will become much less common and this obsession with getting on the property ladder will be fine.

They're bright content joyous children for a reason - because of all the love attention care and guidance that you give them.

This is the greatest gift you can give them - worth more than a house deposit or a car.

If they have that they will have the inner resources needed to make their way. No doubt you will be helping them too, with support or with the grandchildren.

If they rent a house and do an ordinary job and have an ordinary family life there is nothing wrong with that. They may well be happier than the family up the road who were gifted lots of £££.

Any normal kid is going to be in the same situation unless things change significantly for this country..The friends are the abnormal ones (you clearly live in a a very wealthy area) - the extreme wealth you outline in your post would be unusual here, even in London.

Apart from moving to a cheaper area for a bigger house or to free up some cash, there is very little you can do to change things, just support the future challenges they face as they arise and as you have always done. Its pointless to worry about challenges that are 15 years away.

This. That's quite a negative stream of consciousness which they will pick up on -maybe not now but later.

Many adults are successful despite not "excelling" in school. Are you and their father at the excelling end of things?

Not sure what you want from this post!

Consider how you can focus on their positives rather than this catastrophic thinking. And adjust your expectations.

I was never helped either as an adult as my mum didn’t have the means to. I know I was lucky I bought when prices are lower but I’ve had to scrape and save to be where I am now which isn’t mega rich but in a position where my mortgage is paid in 6 years and we can afford holidays abroad each year. We struggled for years though. What I’m trying to say is you have no idea where they will be in 10, 20 years time. Academically they may not be straight A students but I know someone who failed all their GCSEs , left at 16 and are now millionaires with own business, a mansion and holiday home abroad. Stop stressing about the future. House prices May nose dive. They may walk into an amazing job, they may be happy with a tiny rental house. You may be better off by then and be able to help them out. The main thing is that they are healthy and happy.

As PP have said, when they get out into the world they'll meet a more balanced and representative group of people.

I can't imagine the sort of environment where literally everybody they know is wealthy and privileged is doing them any favours, and property ownership is hardly the be all and end all, despite the British MC obsession with it.

My cousin is an electrician. He earns similar if not more to me as a lawyer…and a lot more than my brother who is a teacher. My DS goes to a private school. The richest families (apart from the Premiership footballer parent) are the builders. As we say where I come from, “where there’s muck, there’s brass”!

This. If there is literally nothing you can do to increase your income or decrease your outgoings, then there is nothing you can do, other than do your best to help your children cope at school, and give them the kind of self-esteem, good modelling of healthy relationships, boundaries etc that will equip them for a decent adulthood, regardless of their finances.

You might also try to widen your/their social circles to include different types of people. DS’s school friends have parents who are hospital cleaners, restaurant workers, jobbing musicians etc as well as comfortably well-off architects, medics etc and a lot in the middle. I don’t think you’re at all unusual in not having any inheritance. DH and I certainly don’t have any.

Be careful you don’t put your insecurities onto them.
They have a roof over their heads, they may be crap at maths but a good job is not dependent on being a confident mathematician, thankfully!

Be joyous with them. Teach them to see beauty all around them, to view their home as a sanctuary of security, no matter what size it is.

They're so young, by the time they’re working there will be jobs out there that don’t exist yet.

I have many old school friends and acquaintances on my Facebook. I know very well how good or not good they were at school and truly, I see not that much difference between how the more academic ones have fared in life versus the ones that were less academic.

I have also noticed that some people who were not good at school have obtained qualifications like degrees and masters later in life, school just doesn’t suit some people.

I think you should have faith in your children being able to find their path in life.

Surely you know that what you describe is unusual? Have you considered moving? Your money might go further in a less sought after area and being around people with a more normal standard of living might reduce your stress.

And now a scattering of Ukrainian kids who went from leading deeply ordinary, MC-ish lives as the children of teachers and classical violinists, who suddenly found themselves in a different country with two suitcases.

Could you spend more time teaching them at home? My primary school was a bit rubbish and the only reason I excelled was because my parents spent some time after they finished work helping us learn. And they're young yet, one of your children especially can probably can catch up.

It sounds like living in a sought after area is skewing your perspective. Most kids future isn't financially secured by parents renting out second homes, and not all of the UK is a sought after area with unaffordable housing. Hopefully like most people, your DC will find their own path in life, especially with a loving supportive parent who is invested in them even if you can't fund them through adulthood. As PP says, there are ways to make a decent living and have a worthwhile job that don't require high-level qualifications. Help them discover what they're good at/enjoy doing, rather than focusing on how lucrative it might be. I totally understand the fear, especially when they're little and the school system can make it feel like a race, but definitely worth sometimes taking them out of the bubble of that area you're living in, to see how people are living in less pressured/high earning places and understand the full range of possibilities.

Yes it is very odd that OP presumably does not send her children to private school and yet literally everybody she knows has second homes and on track to receive a massive inheritance. This isn’t normal.

You don’t know what the future will bring but can you help them develop practical skills for the future?

So teach them about budgeting, saving, debt, interest rates etc. If they’re not good at maths, this is the more important than fractions, equations etc.

Can you encourage them in hobbies that are non-academic but will give them skills that could lead to future career options? E.g. cooking, photography, construction?

As they get older, make sure they’ve got role models who haven’t followed the “traditional” routes so they can see that you don’t have to go to university to be successful.

My mum and dad helped me minimally as a young adult

This was their choice - they're very financially comfortable and have left everything they have to my 2 DC (hundreds of thousands)

What they did do though, was ensure I had a good home, access to tools to complete my studies, had decent food and clothes, experiences etc.

They prioritised and invested in my person, if you like. This enabled me to have options as a young person

After education I got a stable, decent job. Met my husband through said job. Now live a lovely, secure life

Invest in their person. It's not about BMWs at 17 or house deposits at 25. It's about happy, balanced children

And btw - most of the high earners I know are tradespeople who can barely write their own names (said flippantly) but they are grafters and not afraid to get their hands dirty

This. The best you can do now is be present with them, support their learning and development, and especially their emotional development. You have no idea what will happen and worrying will make no difference. Having money and property doesn’t equal happiness

And I agree that perhaps moving to a different area would allow you to have a larger house but more importantly be around people you may relate to more. I don’t know anyone with a second home or expecting large inheritance

I couldn't help my children out. My DDs both struggled with severe dyslexia. The now both have Masters and good jobs. My DGS also had severe dyslexia and was very disenfranchised through his education. He now has an excellent career with great prospects in the forces. Children find their own path and don't need parents to save up money for them.

You are worrying unnecessarily OP.

Op don’t stress yourself worrying about something so far in the future. I’m more academic than my DH, my parents have been able to help me out financially when I’ve needed it (which I am hugely appreciative of and know I’m lucky). DH however left school with no qualifications, has had no help at all and is far more successful than me. If you were to just look at our circumstances growing up, you would think it would be the other way round. At this age just keep supporting them with whatever they’re interested in, they’ll find their way.