To worry that DC will have no financial help as adults?

[Skye109]

My DC are 9 and 11.
My 9 year old has SEN with literacy and numeracy skills assessed as 3 school years behind where she should be for her age, which is a huge worry to me, although she's bright and intelligent in every other area of her life. My 11 year old has no SEN but is very behind in maths and finds school work quite difficult in general.
I can't see either of them excelling in their GCSEs or in further education because neither of them are showing any signs of excelling at school.
This makes me worry about their ability to earn good salaries as adults.
I literally don't know how they're going to get on the housing ladder as adults. Buying a property as acfirsg time buyer is going to require enormous salaries with the housing market as it is and I just can't see either of them earning high salaries.

We live in a tiny house. It's in a sought after area and the surrounding environment is lovely but the house itself is miniscule with the 3rd bedroom a tiny box room. We don't have enough space for 4 adults to live in the house together, it's cramped enough at the age they are now, let alone when they're adult sized. There is no hope whatsoever of us moving to a bigger house because we can't afford to.
Neither my DH or I are going to get any financial inheritance. None whatsoever.
And neither of us has any savings. We are middle earners, and every penny that comes in each month goes back out again. We have nothing left over at the end of each month. The cost of living increase is petrifying, because we have no spare or extra money to cover the increase in living costs.
Having children costs an absolute fortune - food (my DS doesn't stop eating these days!), clothes, school uniform, shoes, coats, days out, birthdays, Christmas, party invites meaning buying presents, etc. It's endless expense.
We have nothing to give them when they are young adults. No savings, no inheritance. Nothing. I don't know how they will cope financially and its worrying me so much.
Meanwhile, every friend they both have has a future that's secured financially. Their parents openly talk to me about having second homes providing rental income that's all being saved for their DC futures, or they talk about massive inheritances they've received that they've put in to savings for their DC future, or they're massively high earners and have been putting a chunk of their salaries in to savings since their DC were born and will continue to do so, or they are in the process of buying a second home for their DC to live in when they leave home or rent out depending on what they decide to do.
I'm not exaggerating here. Literally every school friend my DC have fit in to one of the above categories.
And it's occurred to me that when my DC are older, they are going to be surrounded by lifelong friends who are gifted enough money to significantly change their lives financially, whilst my DC will have nothing.

It's a bleak outlook for them and I'm so worried. Surely they will feel this when they are older
We are managing to provide well for them at this age, but we literally do not have any financial means to provide for them as adults.
They are such bright, happy, content and joyous children, I am so worried that they won't have bright, happy futures because financial security underpins a happy and stable adult life.

Nephew was same aged 11. Messed about for GCSE got about 4 I think. Good personality so talked himself onto a plumbing apprenticeship. Great job with great employer, masses of opportunity out of hours to earn extra doing jobs at weekends. Now self employed and earns a fortune. Own 4 bed house, can afford the mortgage even though has gone up. Just bought a v nice electric car - cash. Etc

Give your kids credit to be able to sort their own lives out.

And it's occurred to me that when my DC are older, they are going to be surrounded by lifelong friends who are gifted enough money to significantly change their lives financially, whilst my DC will have nothing.

I'm sure your DC will not keep the same friendship group for the rest of their lives. I don't have any friends from when I was 9 years old.

I think your children are far too young to be worrying about their future salaries. I wasn't a good student in school, mostly due to lack of motivation and laziness. I failed my final year of university the first time around, I went back at 26 to do a different course and finished with 1:1. My husband skipped half his classes in school and was expelled at 14, now he has 2 degrees, a masters and a postgraduate. We're both doing very well financially today but neither of us would have been seen to have great potential.

Trades.

Plumbing, Electrician - all of that. Pays really well, safe from AI.

I get your point they will have fewer options but focus on finding out what the options are and building their confidence and skills.

Mind you, they are still young - so one of them anyway may turn out to be academically able with the right support.

AI will take so many well paid jobs it's untrue. The parents of their friends may not have jobs in the future - accountants, lawyers, teachers... the list is endless!

Trades people may well still be around, but most jobs will be in IT, so s if they have IT skills at their age, now. Microsoft had sone great programming for kids resources and cyber security courses are being advertised all over the show!

Upshot is that its predicted that virtually every person will not be in work - it's a bleak thought - Elon Musk talked about it a lot and has now stopped talking about it. But the concept of no work has not been fixed.

I can't comprehend the future if I'm honest, it feels like a stupid place to head for but we are heading that way....

This.

I'm a single mum. I won't be leaving my ds a rental home either. 😀

But as he grows I build his confidence & skills. He's doing ok at school, but at 14 he's already been on experience days slating and thatching. He likes building things and is good at DT so I'll arrange a metalworking course next.

If he turns in some great exam results then he can go to university, but if not I'm trying to give him the opportunity to find things he likes doing that will result in a decent income.

There are plenty of very valuable skills that are not necessarily traditionally academic in style. I recently had some building work done on my house. My elderly dad would come round daily to admire the work and chat to the builder, telling him how amazing his talents were and how envious he was, as he could only dream of being able to do something so fantastic and rewarding.
This used to make the builder incredulous because my dad has a degree and PhD from Cambridge and ran a very successful biotechnology company.
Ultimately, I imagine that young builder will end up at least as happy and wealthy as my dad.
I don't know what circles you mix in but it sounds very different from most people. Most of us are working hard and struggling these days and not all of us are given loads of financial help, even if our parents could afford it.
It's natural to want the best for our children and you sound like a lovely mum but it will all work out ok in the end. Try not to worry too much, it will take away the enjoyment of the present. It's very precious.

Kindly, OP, you’re spiralling (and I say this as a spiraller!)
No one has any idea what the world will be like in 10 years time. What the housing market will be like, what the job market will be like. Maybe your kids will be tradies and earn loads of money that way. Maybe they won’t. Maybe they will need to do a house share like loads of other young adults. There are going to be lots and lots of other young adults in the same boat as them, I assure you.

Just concentrate on raising resilient, positive, hard working kids who get back up again when life knocks them down, and then send them out to make their way in the world. Don’t miss this time with them worrying about the future.

How sad your righting your children off now as unsuccessful burdens...give yourself a mental kick their lives are not set in stone it's not a given they won't succeed as adults. Even if academia isn't for them there is plenty of other work and demand for trades for example.....although you can become better at school with different teachers.
The point of identifying Sen and getting support is to find coping strategies and support many people with Sen can work.

I think your circle of friends is skewing your perspective. In my own circle, less than 50% of people own their homes not to talk of having a second home somewhere. I only know someone who owns a second home and but they’re in their late 50’s so not my generation. DH and I are immigrants and apart from providing for our children, we are also looking after (paying some big bills, etc) for our parents and some siblings who live back home and not well off so neither us or our DC are going to inherit from our parents but I don’t even think about that.
Focus on the things you have control over and stop worrying about the future. Look at it this way, at least you own your house which can be an inheritance for them at some point so that’s still better than some other kids will have.
Keep trying to better yourselves and be the best parent your children can have, don’t raise entitled children. If at some point, you get better jobs then you can start putting money aside for them, even if it’s just £20 a month that will help with driving lessons at 18 or something, if that’s what you can afford then then that’s it.

every friend they both have has a future that's secured financially. Their parents openly talk to me about having second homes providing rental income that's all being saved for their DC futures, or they talk about massive inheritances they've received that they've put in to savings for their DC future, or they're massively high earners and have been putting a chunk of their salaries in to savings since their DC were born and will continue to do so, or they are in the process of buying a second home for their DC to live in when they leave home or rent out depending on what they decide to do.
I'm not exaggerating here. Literally every school friend my DC have fit in to one of the above categories.

I would say it’s unusual that neither of your children hasn’t got a single friend outside of these categories!

DH is trade. We live in an affluent area (moved before it became so). All of our children’s friends from the local state school, have parents who are professionals, both with degrees and been to prestigious universities (Oxbridge, Cambridge, Exeter etc). They have professional jobs, and over whelmingly have been privately educated. DH has no GCSE’s and has a strong regional accent etc both his parents were raised in council houses and neither have received any inheritance or have any to pass on to him.
DH is in trade, owns own business now. He either out earns or is on par with all our children’s friends parents.

You need to instil a strong work ethic and steer them to further education that will suit them. For example agriculture or a trade. They will be just fine.

I want to elaborate so that you dont think im making this up!
Of DS close friends: 1 has a second home in France, 1 has a second home in Spain, 1 has a second home in a very fashionable (beyond expensive) area of London, 1 has a 2nd home in the area we live in. All of these parents talk about how they use the rental income as savings for DC as they rent the properties out (aside from the weeks that they stay at their holiday homes). 1 of his best friends has just moved in to a £1.4 million house in our area.
Of DD close friends: 1 has a 2nd home in a nearby (desirable and expensive) city, 1 has just received £500,000 inheritance from grandparents (parents have put this in to a trust fund), 1 has a 2nd home in London, 1 has a 2nd home in Wales, and 3 of the parents of her friends have received family inheritances over the past year that have enabled them to completely pay off their own mortgages and they've talked to me about how they can now use the money they will no longer pay their mortgage with to put in to monthly savings for DC.
Every one of these parents talks openly about large inheritances they stand to receive from their own parents and how they will invest this inheritance in to their DC financial futures.
My DC go to a state primary in a well off and desirable area. None of these children I've described are at private schools.

Lots of people earn well with out needing high grades. Lots of people with degrees can't get jobs. You will also presumably leave them your house so even if they rent that money will help them when they are older. And if they live with you they can pay rent while saving which would ease things.

I think you are worrying needlessly.

You surely don't imagine that most young adults benefit from trust funds, income from the family's second home etc?

Your life - of modest home ownership and middle incomes - is par for the course and beyond the reach of many. Your children are already privileged by having that, and loving parents who want to support them.

I'm a teacher and can tell you that children like yours are certainly capable of narrowing the gap and achieving worthwhile qualifications, further education, apprenticeships, working their way up in jobs they enjoy and are good at.

They'll achieve home ownership by saving up, or buy with a partner or friends, or rent, or take out a 95% mortgage, or any of the ways that other middle income earners achieve it.

You are worrying about something that is a decade away - anything could happen.

Now I've seen your update I do wonder whether your big mistake is comparing your family with the very privileged people around you. I guess you are envious of what they have but others would be envious of you. Your children will already be aware that their lives are very different to those of their family friends.

I'm wondering why they are openly discussing finances and inheritance with you? Are they exaggerating or trying to make you feel jealous? Be wary with these individuals that's not a normal passing discussion it sounds purposefully boastful for your expense.

We’re in a similar situation in that we aren’t able to save for our DC but quite honestly I can’t worry about that far into the future, there’s enough to worry about now. You don’t know what will happen in the future; it may all turn out incredibly differently to how you see it and buying a house is not the be all and end all.

I have very similar worries, including a child with SEN. However the poster above is spot on. I also think perspective is everything, your point of comparison is incredibly distorted, and I get that because I also live in a small house in an affluent area, where childrens friends go abroad at every holiday, live in enormous houses etc but I work in a school in a very deprived area and it does help to wake me up to how much my children actually do have, although I know how hard it can be to see that from inside the bubble.

Stop worrying OP. Maybe one of your kids will invent something and make millions. Maybe they will become rich and famous through social media, or acting, or singing. Who knows.

One thing is certain, and has been proved over and over,

"Comfort is a greater barrier to progress than hardship".

Your kids will be fine.

Now I've seen your update I do wonder whether your big mistake is comparing your family with the very privileged people around you.

This.

I literally don't know how they're going to get on the housing ladder as adults.

This is far more what everyone I know is thinking-you are just in some bizarre situation where you’re surrounded by unusually well off people!

I can’t imagine your kids will still be solely friends with this friends and know nobody else by the time they are adults-so I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

My stepson was the least academic of his siblings and is now earning the most as the is an amazing carpenter.

You live in a wealthy area which is why your friends are wealthy.

Most families are like yours.

Op it appears you are not listening to all the excellent comments you have received. You're only going to make yourself more miserable if you don't need what's been said. Carpe Diem.

What does that have to do with the porice of fish? What your friends have is irrelevant.

Equally I could compare you with my relatives who rent a dodgy house with massive damp problems from an unscrupulous landlord, whose kids are on FSM, who have health problems because of the damp and say you're doing amazingly compared with them.

Why do you think your kids deserve more if you can't provide it?

Well all I can say is it just goes to show money can't buy class, as it's incredibly vulgar of them to go on and on about they second homes and inheritance wealth - so braggy and look-at-me. Maybe teach your kids to compare down, not up - it's a really useful life skill and fosters huge gratitude and an ability to capitalise on the opportunities that are available to them. So pleased instead of thinking "oh poor me, I don't have a trust fund like my friend just Jimmy", they could be thinking "god I'm so lucky to have a home and parents with jobs and the desire to support me in following my ambitions."

My partner has a similar issue (all his friends are for some reason from loaded families so get everything handed to them while we have had to work more for things). I have really tried to teach him to look not at them vs him, but to look at what he has vs what too many people don't, or even better to look at his life in terms of the progress he's made both financially, personally and professionally (a lot of these "blessed" friends have been rather static in life as no impetus to change). Try and get this into your kids' heads too.

Also more practically, look at developing their language skills and independence to give them the opportunity to study and/or work abroad. This country is a fucking dumpster fire of decline, dwindling opportunities and skyrocketing inequality and bonkers housing costs, it's only going to get worse because our shitty levels of education and generally myopically selfish culture means people keep voting in the Tories. Not every country is shit like this. The best thing anyone can do to improve their prospects, especially for housing, is to plan to live somewhere else ASAP. That's certainly what I'm going to try to help my kids to do.

Stop your worrying! They may be blissfully happy people renting small flats and enjoying their lives, they may marry rich, they may land an amazing job. My DH left school with no A levels and earns 6 figs in a corporate job. They may leave the sought after area - we live in a cheap area (NI) and come from home counties. My electrician has a huuuge house he built himself with a double garage, the handyman has 6 horses! There are so many possibilities, but what you can do is 1) support their education 2) give them happy, well adjusted childhoods 3) make sure they're financially literate (and if you're not, make steps to change that now)

You sound like a great parent, and your kids living in a great area, having a good school, safe housing and full bellies makes them so very privileged so stop beating yourself up over what the Jones' have!!