…to feel upset about not being invited to a wedding?

MochaMad · 2023-07-25T08:38:30+00:00

Long story but trying to keep it brief: been with my DP for 5 years, we live together, but his DD doesn’t want anything to do with me and my 2 kids. She lives with her Mum and their divorce was awful (Court etc). Myself and my kids have not done anything wrong and I am not the OW. Her Mum has poisoned her brain with lies. So we only very occasionally see her and my DP sees here separately from us. She is 17. My DP’s niece is getting married in September. She’s aware of the situation and seemed to be sympathetic. My DP’s siblings and their partners are all invited. His niece has decided to invite him and his DD and not me. Apparently I can only attend if his DD cannot go. Its a shame as it’s a missed opportunity for his DD to see how normal life works. I’m feeling really upset. Can’t help it. My DP is also upset and confused.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 25/07/2023 09:40

Let his dd go with family. Dp needs to support you on this. What a bloody madam.

GolgafrinchamB · 25/07/2023 09:47

She’s obviously going to side with her cousin, who’s closer to her in age, than with her uncle’s girlfriend/partner.

Don’t let it get you down.
DP’s family are going to prioritise their niece/granddaughter/cousin/(whatever their relationship to your DP’s daughter) over DP’s girlfriend because that’s how families work. Accept it and move forward.

You don’t need the aggro.

Flisss · 25/07/2023 10:06

She has the right to side with her cousin. But hopefully your DP sides with you here and doesn't go.

ManateeFair · 25/07/2023 10:18

I can completely understand why you're feeling hurt. I guess, though, that if DP's niece is close to DP's daughter, and DP's daughter has said she won't go if you do, that's put the niece in a massively difficult position, and she's had to make that choice. And I suppose I can understand why her choice would be the cousin she's known all her life (although personally, if one of my cousins threatened to boycott my wedding for that kind of reason, I'd think my cousin was being a twat).

Genuineweddingone · 25/07/2023 10:21

I feel your pain. It is so disrespectful and humiliating to be excluded in that way. I have had similar happen to me recently and I have spent so many tears on it. I hope your DP sides with you and does not go.

LemonLimeDivine · 25/07/2023 10:26

Let the SD go and have an enjoyable day with her family.
I hope your DP supports you however and stays away. The two of you should go off and do something nice for yourselves that day. It will send a polite but firm message to his family.

Lobelia123 · 25/07/2023 11:17

I think you really need to stop taking it all so personally. There's obviously a lot of blood under the bridge and a lot of trauma and false narrative at play - none of which is your fault and none of which is realistically within your power to change - so let it go. Accept that unfair as it is, your partners daughter will not accept or welcome you, and her family will support her at these big life events. Withdraw, stay gracious and show everyone by your self control and good behaviour that you are the kind and decent person you are, and maybe someone that they can maybe one day look to accept into the fold. Be blameless so no one can ever point a finger at you, because the minute you step out of line you will be blamed. Make up your mind to what the situation is, stop hankering for a different outcome and pegging your hopes on sympathetic third parties - just get on with your life. Its amazing how things just die down if you dont force things. and if there is no positive outcome as you would like, well in the meantime youve moved on with your life and not burnt emotional energy on it. Like they say....dont feed the troll.

Original poster

MochaMad · 25/07/2023 15:42

Lots of sound advice here thank you. Feeling a bit better now I’ve ‘got it out’.

At most basic it’s bad manners and disrespectful not to invite someone’s partner. I don’t know what my DP will do and I’m going to try not to get any more upset about it. It’s a Friday anyway so time will have to be booked off work and school.

Her other uncles and aunt (5 of them) will defo wonder why I’m not there. Her Dad has always been kind and supportive. I have a good relationship with them all.

The funny thing is that we are organising a 70th meal for her Dad 2 only weeks before the wedding, so she will be seeing me then anyway. My DP’s DD will be invited to that of course and she will likely decline. I’ll have to work on being calm if they start on any pre-wedding chat over dinner….

OP posts:

FrenchBoule · 25/07/2023 15:51

Be calm but don’t hide the fact you’re not going. If they ask why tell them you’re not invited. No slagging off but actual fact.

Btw, who passed on a message to you that you can go if your DP’s DD is not going?

PTSDBarbiegirl · 25/07/2023 15:54

You have zero to be embarrassed about. At the 70th I'd bring up wedding, even if it's at the end, "I won't see you at wedding but SD & DP will" get them thinking why. If they both go it will only serve to draw attention to the petty differences from past feelings. Pathetic. I'd be grateful personally as I hate weddings and would rather be at home sorting out my pant drawer.

MadamWhiteleigh · 25/07/2023 15:58

Her other uncles and aunt (5 of them) will defo wonder why I’m not there

Just tell the truth if they ask. You don’t have to be bitchy about it, just calmly said ‘I’m not invited’ and change the subject.

I agree with someone above who said they want you to be the bad guy so you have be absolutely beyond reproach in your dealings with them. Polite and calm, express no opinion.

EvilElsa · 25/07/2023 16:11

MadamWhiteleigh · 25/07/2023 15:58

Her other uncles and aunt (5 of them) will defo wonder why I’m not there

Just tell the truth if they ask. You don’t have to be bitchy about it, just calmly said ‘I’m not invited’ and change the subject.

I agree with someone above who said they want you to be the bad guy so you have be absolutely beyond reproach in your dealings with them. Polite and calm, express no opinion.

This. Just tell the truth if asked. No need to go into explicit detail or slag anyone off. Neutral, don't show any feeling good or bad, just the truth and move on.
I can see why it was a difficult situation for the niece and can also see why the daughter would be the more likely to receive an invite out of the two of you. I'm sure the niece is sympathetic but it was a bit of a no win situation for her.
Take the high road, send DH with his daughter and enjoy the time at home. Do something nice with your two children - can you go away for a night on a little holiday or go to the theatre or something? I'd enjoy that much more than forced interactions with family to be honest.

Grapewrath · 25/07/2023 16:18

It’s a difficult situation as I completely understand why your dp niece feels awkward inviting you- she has chosen her cousin over her uncle’s partner and I think under the circumstances, she did what she thought was right. This isn’t her fault.. weddings are a nightmare with family dynamics.
It’s just one day- let your partner enjoy the day with DD and plan something nice for yourself. You don’t need to be embarrassed , I’m sure the family members are aware of the issues

Grapewrath · 25/07/2023 16:20

If they ask why you’re not going, just reply that your OH is going with his DD. I’m sure they will all be aware that you don’t have a relationship and therefore won’t ask why you aren’t going too

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/07/2023 16:36

At most basic it’s bad manners and disrespectful not to invite someone’s partner

I'd say it's ruder to be expecting to be invited to this wedding. Be the adult here.

ErinAoife · 25/07/2023 16:41

Can you clarifying if the ex wife is invites to the wedding?

noglow · 25/07/2023 16:44

Why is your DP confused?

I second PP's advice if asked about it calmly state why you aren't going. With no emotion.

As a stepmum yeah I'd feel miffed but I'd understand that the bride is clearly torn what to do and frankly I'd find something nice to do that day without them

noglow · 25/07/2023 16:44

Grapewrath · 25/07/2023 16:20

If they ask why you’re not going, just reply that your OH is going with his DD. I’m sure they will all be aware that you don’t have a relationship and therefore won’t ask why you aren’t going too

I wouldn't say OH is going with DD. That's not the case. I'd just say the bride said you can go if DD doesn't so you've made it easier for the bride and are busy that day anyway

GolgafrinchamB · 25/07/2023 16:46

ErinAoife · 25/07/2023 16:41

Can you clarifying if the ex wife is invites to the wedding?

What’s that got to do with it? The daughter of the DP doesn’t accept the OP as part of her family and her cousin is accepting that by not inviting the OP.

Whether the bride invited her aunt (ie her cousin’s mum) has no bearing on whether the OP is included or not.

The classy thing to do is to rise above it. The bride wants her uncle and cousin there, the OP can do something nice with her own children on that day.

noglow · 25/07/2023 16:47

ErinAoife · 25/07/2023 16:41

Can you clarifying if the ex wife is invites to the wedding?

Why? She's irrelevant

Zinfandelfoot · 25/07/2023 16:48

I feel for you OP, but I agree with PP. Be the bigger person, say you are planning something nice with the kids and that’s why you are unable to come.

PuttingDownRoots · 25/07/2023 16:50

If people ask its simple... your DPs daughter is still unhappy with her father seeing other women. If his niece is aware enough not to invite you, I'm sure the rest of the family is aware as well and understand that families can be complicated.

leopard22 · 25/07/2023 16:52

Maybe the bride wants her cousin there more than you which is completely understandable, it's obviously going to be awkward her inviting both of you, where would she sit you both?

Your feelings are valid but no one is entitled to a wedding invitation, regardless of whether you find it disrespectful or not.

Mariposista · 25/07/2023 16:56

Unless there is a massive backstory, his DD sounds like a brat, and the ex wife awful.
I hope your DP doesn't go.

JockTamsonsBairns · 25/07/2023 17:00

Lobelia123 · 25/07/2023 11:17

I think you really need to stop taking it all so personally. There's obviously a lot of blood under the bridge and a lot of trauma and false narrative at play - none of which is your fault and none of which is realistically within your power to change - so let it go. Accept that unfair as it is, your partners daughter will not accept or welcome you, and her family will support her at these big life events. Withdraw, stay gracious and show everyone by your self control and good behaviour that you are the kind and decent person you are, and maybe someone that they can maybe one day look to accept into the fold. Be blameless so no one can ever point a finger at you, because the minute you step out of line you will be blamed. Make up your mind to what the situation is, stop hankering for a different outcome and pegging your hopes on sympathetic third parties - just get on with your life. Its amazing how things just die down if you dont force things. and if there is no positive outcome as you would like, well in the meantime youve moved on with your life and not burnt emotional energy on it. Like they say....dont feed the troll.

This is a brilliant post, and really resonates with what I was thinking too.