…to feel upset about not being invited to a wedding?

[MochaMad]

Long story but trying to keep it brief: been with my DP for 5 years, we live together, but his DD doesn’t want anything to do with me and my 2 kids. She lives with her Mum and their divorce was awful (Court etc). Myself and my kids have not done anything wrong and I am not the OW. Her Mum has poisoned her brain with lies. So we only very occasionally see her and my DP sees here separately from us. She is 17.

My DP’s niece is getting married in September. She’s aware of the situation and seemed to be sympathetic. My DP’s siblings and their partners are all invited. His niece has decided to invite him and his DD and not me. Apparently I can only attend if his DD cannot go.

Its a shame as it’s a missed opportunity for his DD to see how normal life works.

I’m feeling really upset. Can’t help it.

My DP is also upset and confused.

The niece is obviously trying to avoid a massive row at her wedding day. This is clear as she says that you can only come if the daughter doesn't. It's not that she's rejecting you as such, it's that she doesn't want family politics spoiling her day. She's choosing to invite her cousin over her uncle's partner. Of course she is, she's probably known her her whole life and is family. Don't take this personally and don't stop your partner from going.

Given the situation I don't think it is disrespectful or bad manners for you not to be invited - there is obviously a story here & you aren't owed an invitation as a partner.

I would just let DP go with DD - It's one day. Just be the better person and as others have said eg@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz and @leopard22 you are not entitled to an invitation.

I sincerely hope my DP’s Ex is not invited. If it turns out she is then I know my DP will not go and his sibling will be very unhappy. Any background interference from her is already evident from this happening anyway.

There have been other similar occasions over the past 5 years where we were all invited to an occasion and we managed it. We were all civil and it was fine. This could have been another one of those occasions. That’s why it’s so disappointing. Nobody would kick off.

I feel that the more absent / distant I am from her, the more she believes the ridiculous stories about me.

Yes I know nobody is entitled to an invite -I get that. We haven’t replied. She was asking where to send the invite and that would be my house, since my DP moved in with me.

My DP heard about this by WhatsApp! He was confused and clarified it. Then there was some back pedalling to say that if DD couldn’t come then I can come ‘in her place’.

it just seems to me that some people sit on the fence and agree with horrible people who lie, for an easy life …and people who have done nothing wrong have to suck up the injustice with no ability reply.

But I don’t think it will go unnoticed by other family.

it’s a Friday anyway, so I’ll be at work.

An update on this… The 70th happened and it was awkward, to say the least…

We met up at my DP’s brothers house before going out to lunch at 1.30 (which had been booked for weeks and we had delivered a cake to the kitchen that morning to produce at the end of the meal). Not long after arriving my DP’s cousin suddenly announced she wanted to go home earlier than originally planned and asked for the lunch to be brought forward an hour, or the booking changed to another restaurant nearer the train station. It was bonkers! Really rude and strange. When we took her to one side and reminded her about the birthday cake she told us to go and get it from the kitchen and eat with her Dad later that evening (just 3 of us, not with the other guests?!). Basically it looked like she was trying to get out of going to the 70th meal or to cut it really short.

In the process of disorganisation / reorganisation / confusion one lovely relative was told of the changes and regretfully decided not to attend because she wouldn’t be ready in time to get there. It turned out she was really upset by this - she phoned my DP’s brother later that day in tears. She’d bought a new outfit and had been looking forward to it.

Anyway… my DP was having none of it and told her we would be going ahead as planned with the 70th lunch and cake after and that if she wanted to get an earlier train to organise herself a taxi. So she spent the first 30 minutes in the restaurant on her phone, walking in and out, got in a flap and then gave up as she couldn’t get a taxi booking for an hour and a half anyway. It was horribly rude.

As for the subject of the wedding…

I didn’t mention it, I was polite and we both (DP & I) ignored any reference to it (she mentioned her fiancée wasn’t at the 70th meal due to his stag weekend). Nobody said anything. It was very odd - a big event coming up and nobody talking about it. Everyone avoiding the subject, including her Dad. Can’t have been easy for him.

A few weeks ago she sent an invite to my DP’s DD and told my DP she’d had a chat with his (abusive) Ex wife. Bearing in mind she knows how badly her Uncle was treated, this, yet again, shows total lack of awareness / sensitivity.

She still hasn’t actually sent my DP an invite (this would mean sending it to my home). But she has since contacted my DP on WhatsApp and asked him to help on the morning - escorting her Dad to the venue and ‘keeping him busy’ during the morning. This means my DP must now get a much earlier train (expensive), change twice, take a taxi and hang around for two hours. Also now he can’t meet up with his DD beforehand and she (a teenager) will have to make her own way there.

I spent this evening witnessing a long series of WhatsApp messages with my DP getting frustrated and confused - calling his niece cheeky etc and annoyed about having to get up two hours earlier. His brother is not an imbecile and does understand how to catch a train, so we don’t understand why this is really necessary.

So DP is going and, honestly, I feel hurt still. He says he doesn’t feel like going and that it will be weird without me, but feels he has to go.

The funny thing is, the nonsense over the 70th has made me feel slightly better in the sense that she’s obviously rude and insensitive generally.

It’s a horrible palaver and I’m just keeping my trap shut. I will be very glad when this #%^* wedding is over!

OP she sounds absolutely awful. I think the day is going to be so filled with drama, it's good that you won't be there to have anything blamed on you for whatever reason!

It’s his nieces wedding, she doesn’t want any drama at her wedding. It’s her choice. She’s known her cousin longer than she’s known you. The end!

The Sh*#tshow created by her at her own Dad’s 70th illustrates that she’s perfectly capable of creating her own drama…

@JustJoinedRightNow - exactly!

🌺

Not long after arriving my DP’s cousin suddenly announced she wanted to go home earlier than originally planned and asked for the lunch to be brought forward an hour, or the booking changed to another restaurant nearer the train station. It was bonkers!

Why would your DPs cousin expect these changes?!

Op, I’m sorry you feel hurt BUT:

I agree with PPs who said that it’s the niece’s wedding, so you can’t blame her for wanting to avoid family drama on her special day.

You’re not entitled to an invite just because you’re a partner. My DH didn’t invite any partners of his school friends as it would have needed a whole extra table.

From a different perspective, regardless of who is ‘poisoning’ who, I have been that child in the middle of a horrific divorce. Please just make things easier and less awkward for the DD, regardless of her behaviour.

At most basic it’s bad manners and disrespectful not to invite someone’s partner

I don’t agree with this at all. I don’t think anyone is entitled to an invite to a wedding and less so just because they are the partner of someone who is invited.

People get wrapped up in so much entitlement when it comes to a wedding that they forget that it’s expensive and I am sure the B&G would want to spend money on inviting people that in their life all the time instead of someone they feel obligated to.

Obviously it’s people’s right to decline an invite for any reason but at the end of the day the list should be determined by the people the B&G want to be there.

If my DP got invited to a family wedding of a niece/nephew and I didn’t then I would just be telling him to have a nice day

I don’t feel it’s bad manners or her aunts will all be confused, I’m sure they know full well the dynamics. Of course she needs to side with her cousin and not you. I’m really surprised your partner is all confused.

She's choosing to invite the person who is likely to cause trouble over the person who is being entirely reasonable.

I don’t understand the relevance of the 70th birthday update — you say it was your DP’s cousin who wanted to rearrange the lunch at the last minute and was flapping around about taxis, but you said it was your DP’s niece getting married. Is this the same person?

I don’t think going no contact with your father’s partner means you’re likely to cause trouble at a wedding, the girl doesn’t want to engage with the op. It’s a family wedding, the bride has chosen to invite her blood relative. Not her uncles new wife.

I've just seen this.

The palarva over a meal

No one brings a booked meal an hour early with hours notice

Madness

Dp should have said no to going early :escorting brother

Assuming her dad /dp brother has made his views clear of you not attending

But sounds like the mum /ex is friendly with the neices mum and prob said don't invite you

Don't take personally tho easier said than done

Assume all the other people at the birthday knew you weren't invited and felt awkward hence no wedding chat

You should have said have a lovely wedding day - be the bigger Person as you left

@Plusque - yes the same person - the bride to be. Nearly ruined her Dad’s 70th.

Mixing itching powder with the confetti may enhance the day...

I’m not going - I accept that.

And even if my DP’s DD decides not to go, I’m still not going (she had said I could go if DD doesn’t). It’s a Friday so an easy excuse (working).

My DP is upset and confused by his niece’s behaviour generally - at the Birthday and recent request about the morning of the wedding just adds to it. She left in a rush before the end of the meal. My DP even picked up her restaurant bill and she’s not offered to pay him back.

My DP said last night that he’s feeling like he won’t make much of an effort to stay in touch with her after this because of the rudeness / lack of regard for others (I’m not not talking about me here) and he feels very uncomfortable that she’s in touch with his Ex wife.

There’s a lot more to this than me not being invited to a wedding.

Well who is the cousin expecting to cause the trouble she is apparently trying to avoid at her wedding? It doesn't sound like it is the OP who apparently gets on well with the rest of the family and hasn't made any demands about who can and can't be invited.

The dd is going with her mum, and your dp has been asked to go early so by the time he finds out it’s too late not to attend would be my guess.

@Namerequired I hope you are wrong. If you wanted a drama at a wedding that would be the way to do it for sure. There are many others in my DP’s family who would be very upset if she’s there.

DP doesn’t need to go and can still change his mind and decline. It sounds like it’ll be crap.