To be losing sympathy for this family member?

[Crunchie673]

I’ve got an older family member. They’ve been suffering from some health issues - mainly bleeding from down below because of a gynaecology issue.

The hospital know what the issue is, it’s not life threatening or anything dangerous, it’s just an inconvenience and they’ve been told to basically just wait their turn and see if any further treatment needs doing.

I understand that it’s frustrating - I suffer from health issues myself - but they’re not helping themselves. They mope around indoors all day and then complain that they feel unwell all the time, they go back to A&E over every little thing even though they’ve been told why this is happening and there’s nothing they can do until she gets an appointment with the correct hospital team within the next few weeks.

It’s just becoming frustrating because she keeps going back to A&E expecting them to fix the issue then and there when that’s not going to happen, and every single phone call is them whinging about how unwell they feel but they’re not doing anything to help themselves.

AIBU for losing sympathy and being a bit drained by it all?

How old? Has definitely been screened and scanned for cervical cancer, ovarian cancer, uterine cancer, etc? Is it 'just' a fibroid? Is it endometriosis, which can be incredibly painful?

What are her concerns? No she shouldn't be going to A&E if she has an appointment in a few weeks (for what?) but she must be feeling like she's been left high and dry possibly in the meantime.

@AutumnCrow she’s had all the necessary scans - she’s definitely just got fibroids but quite a few of them… she’s in her 70’s.

The thing is she’s been to A&E literally a few times a week ever since this problem started, and if she’s not at A&E then she’s ringing 111 everyday expecting to magically be cut open and operated on the very same day…

I think you are being hugely unreasonable. I can quite understand that they might feel awkward or distressed about going out if they have bleeding and are worried about being caught out when out and about.
Being inside all day is going to do a number on their mental health, but they might feel genuinely worried about days out.

@Instawars it’s not because of that, that they don’t want to go out, because I’ve spoken to them about it.

This is unacceptable. She is just wasting their time.

@drpet49 exactly, that’s why everyone in the family is getting so frustrated with her. She’s been told to go to the GP if anything further happens yet she keeps rocking up to hospital demanding to be seen by ‘proper doctors’… honestly it’s draining now, especially when everyone knows full well she doesn’t need to be there and what the issue actually is

How are they 'not helping themselves'? Going to A&E and phoning 111, although misguided, is the very definition of them trying to help themselves isnt it?

I know its wearing, believe me I do, but just be sympathetic until the appointment comes through. It's so much easier than fighting it and trying to get them to see sense.

If she’s bleeding then maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to go out. Maybe it’s really bad, maybe she’s worried about bleeding through pads, maybe it is causing her discomfort. If she’s on her own with nothing else to think about, I can see why that brings her down. My grandma is the same, at home, on her own with nothing else to think about but her aches and pains. But I listen. And I talk to her about them, and talk about other things to take her mind off it. Because I’ll be old and possibly alone one day, and no one knows what sort of ‘old age’ we’ll have, be that a fit and healthy one or one riddled with health issues. I’m sure you’d like someone around for support if you’re in need.

@Libraryloiterer not helping herself in the sense that she’s usually very active, but she’s just staying home sleeping all the time even when she’s not tired but then complaining that her muscles ache and so on - they are probably starting to waste away because she’s suddenly stopped doing everything… when the doctors have told her to keep active…

@Jonnycakes she’s not home by herself, and I do understand what it’s like to have health issues as I have plenty myself and I’m only in my 30’s… so yes I get it

Most people with constant/ heavy bleeding will not feel up to going out and about. It will be a huge energy drain for her, not to mention the knock to her confidence and worrying about bleeding too much while out.
You sound incredibly cold!

This. You have no idea how much energy she has or hasn’t got.
Any illness, especially at that age, is going to be scary, no matter whether you and the doctor say it isn’t anything serious.

@Hufflepods its not constant, she hasn’t had a proper bleed like currently in at least 2/3 weeks and yes I am starting to get cold now because I’m getting sick and tired of it dominating every single conversation and having to repeat myself with them every 5 minutes

And yet it is bad enough to have totally halted her daily life and abilities.

Genuine question - what more do you want them to do to "help themselves"?

They seek help when they feel they need it. They reach put to family for support. What exactly is it ypu think they should be doing other than not moaning to you?

So she has developed a mental health element to her physical health conditon.

What are the doctors doing to manage that element?

Is someone medical taking the time to do a wholistic assessment of her as a person rather than as a single medical problem X. That should be the GP role

Because if her GP has done this and she has no trust in the GP your family are in for a long hard road with managing any future medical related problems.

YANBU, this happens disappointingly regularly with some people who just can't accept that they are not going to magically bounce to the top of the waiting list just because they nag and nag by turning up to a medical setting on a regular basis.

I work in a pharmacy and we have a couple of regular patients who have conditions that are not life threatening or dangerous and they are on the waiting list to have surgery/treatment. Unfortunately those waiting lists are as long as your arm but we still have them coming in on a regular (as in every few days) basis asking to speak to the pharmacist for advice.

The patients then take up the pharmacist's time rehashing the same thing again and again and all the pharmacist can do is say "I understand, but there's nothing else I can give/advise that you aren't already taking/have been told, you just have to wait for your appointment in X weeks/months"

Despite this they keep coming back and getting the same answer every time, the only difference is that X becomes a smaller number of days/weeks/months every visit ... Until they have that appointment and they aren't immediately whisked into surgery so they get a new appointment for Y weeks/months and the cycle starts again.

Our pharmacists are wonderful and will never turn people away if they want reassurance about a health issue but when it's a busy Wednesday lunchtime, we are short staffed, have literally hundreds of prescriptions the pharmacist needs to check so we can give them out, doctors surgeries and hospitals are calling for clinical issues, there are genuine emergency patients being sent to us and we have a million and one other jobs to do it is a massive PITA when you see Doris trundling up the aisle to the counter for the 3rd time this week to ask if she can "have a quick word with the pharmacist".

YANBU to feel drained with it, we all have our limits. But it does sound like she's in a bad way both physically and mentally, and she's struggling with that.

This is what happens when the NHS isn't appropriately funded - if she could just get treated for the illness that she has, she would likely feel a lot better. Very frustrating for her that she will likely face a long wait.

However you feel or perceive the situation your relative sounds v distressed. Could they be suffering from the starting of Alzeimers? It doesn't sound like you are in a place to provide much support, can you call their GP and pass on your concerns re multiple A&E trips... Sounds like a mental health concern that might be masking something else. Serious UTI can cause MH type difficulties.

Thanks for replying, OP. I understand why you're at your feeling frazzled with it now.

Has she got any treatment plan at all to get her up to the point of this forthcoming hospital appointment? I've had fibroids and heavy bleeding, and my GP had me on hormonal treatment and pain relief.

How is she getting to A&E btw? Does she drive herself, or is she being enabled?

Sorry that got a bit mangled ^^ Hopefully you'll understand it, @Crunchie673

Sweet Jesus, this poor woman sounds petrified. You've said yourself she has gone from being active and 'normal' to a virtual hermit. She is repeatedly seeking medical help, so she must be terrified, and this is her way of trying to help herself, not the opposite. I think the telling clue here is that you've said she's not usually like this and it's obviously out of character for her.

She is going to bed when she's not tired? Well, if she's not tired she is obviously feeling unwell. I think it's unlikely her muscles are aching from inactivity, unless she is literally sitting doing nothing all day, every day. Someone needs to look at the bigger picture here and not just the bleeding. Can you share what the diagnosis so far is?

It sounds like she needs a very understanding shoulder and a long chat, not frustrated family members telling her to basically pull herself together. Fear itself can be a paralysing experience, and it may be just that which is making her feel so wretched, not the original medical issue.

I wonder if in some way, this is triggering about how you feel about your own health issues?

Are your health concerns under control? Has your relative been supportive to you about your health? Are you worried about your relative and it’s coming out as irritation?

When my mum was alive she was a bit like this. It triggered me into being incredibly unsympathetic because she’d been a pretty crap mum and I just wanted to be mothered, not have to do the mothering.

@AutumnCrow they originally put her on a tablet but it caused loads of side effects so she had to come off it but the bleeding had pretty much stopped at that point, so they went for a wait and watch approach, but she opposes all sort of hormonal treatment because she’s worried about getting cancer so I don’t know what else they are going to do if she’s refusing it…

She gets people to drive her up there, she asks different family members… she’s asked me before but I said no because I have a disabled child and she expects whoever drives her to sit up there with her all day and night too…

Don't forget, OP, that heavy bleeding can lead to anaemia which can make you feel very poorly.