To be losing sympathy for this family member?

[Crunchie673]

I’ve got an older family member. They’ve been suffering from some health issues - mainly bleeding from down below because of a gynaecology issue.

The hospital know what the issue is, it’s not life threatening or anything dangerous, it’s just an inconvenience and they’ve been told to basically just wait their turn and see if any further treatment needs doing.

I understand that it’s frustrating - I suffer from health issues myself - but they’re not helping themselves. They mope around indoors all day and then complain that they feel unwell all the time, they go back to A&E over every little thing even though they’ve been told why this is happening and there’s nothing they can do until she gets an appointment with the correct hospital team within the next few weeks.

It’s just becoming frustrating because she keeps going back to A&E expecting them to fix the issue then and there when that’s not going to happen, and every single phone call is them whinging about how unwell they feel but they’re not doing anything to help themselves.

AIBU for losing sympathy and being a bit drained by it all?

It’s obviously jabbing a mental impact on her as her reaction is disproportionate. It’s either just a reaction to situation or perhaps more going on eg dementia and this has highlighted it eg the not understanding the instruction not to go to a & e.
Could you encourage her to speak to Gp re her state of mind.
Depending on finances can she go private if it’s having such an adverse affect on her. Help her sell any assets to fund if need be, there’s no point having money or jewellery if she can’t enjoy it.

This is a very common and very difficult problem and there are Facebook groups devoted to this. No it's very unlikely to be Alzheimer's - that comment was very ageist. She needs to go to her GP for a proper referral and for treatment to stop the bleeding in the first instance. Good luck. It's not a well understood condition but can have terrible impacts on mental health.

@7eleven I don’t know how to say it without coming off as cold or heartless… but part of me thinks she enjoys the sympathy that comes with it therefore is almost not wanting to get better…

For example, whenever she goes to hospital or rings 111 she’ll plaster it all over social media (she has a Facebook account etc) so that everyone comments on it and I’ve noticed that a couple of times she’s been absolutely fine, told everyone how well she feels so the attention will turn away from her and onto someone or something else and then the next day she’ll feel ‘so unwell’ again so the attention diverts back to her…

I’ve noticed a few things out of character with her recently (being snappy towards family members which she isn’t normally and just demanding in general and not understanding why people have their own lives) so I think I might discuss with someone about if it possibly is the start of memory loss issues as someone has commented on the post earlier

I think if I was in my 70s and had bleeding every few years I would panic.

She's at the age where death is looming, shes probably terrified.

Whilst I agree she's wasting resources I can also sympathise with the impact this will be having on her mental health.

Has she possibly been told by someone that A&E could help her jump the queue?

When MIL was waiting for a referral to come through shitloads if people told her to go to A&E as “once you’re there they’ll have to sort you”.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings I definitely think that is part of it - she thinks it’ll help her get treatment quicker if she just keeps going up there

Maybe one of Facebook buddies / groups / family members is pushing A&E and/or 111.

Maybe she's posting on Mumsnet or Gransnet ... there's some right bonkers stuff on here.

I presume at some point a 'frequent flyer' like her must have some sort of intervention though, from primary care or social care?? I don't know what the pack drill is any more tbh.

@Crunchie673 it doesn’t sound hard to me and it’s useful for you to reflect about how and why her behaviour is affecting you so much.

Of course she’s worried, but for some reason, she isn’t able to be reassured that all the tests have been done to rule out serious conditions and she’s just got to wait. Is she usually impatient? Has this brought more general anxiety about mortality I wonder.

Keeping on going to A&E is very unreasonable. Why is she doing that?

I wonder if it would help you if you control your interaction a bit more. Ring her once a day to give her some reassurance, but then put it out of your mind. If her Facebook posts trigger you, temporarily unfollow her.

Pop psychology, but you can’t change her, only your response to her.

So, even at my age of 60s , if I was prescribed hormonal treatment for sudden onset vaginal bleeding I’d be questioning it. And be pretty reluctant to take it without first been given a full diagnosis with explanation of why this was the only appropriate treatment. There is recent research that is suggesting post menopausal women shouldn’t take female hormones (hurt for instance) long term
vaginal bleeding in 70s of any type is not normal. Or something to wait around with. Whilst there are other reasons besides cancer (polyps, thickening lining, thinning lining where she’s still sexually active etc) , all of these need some sort of intervention. If they’ve not given here any test yet to rule out cancer them frankly she is right to be kicking up a storm- she should be seen under fast track rules for potential cancer and at least have that ruled out.

I think at age 30 you should quite frankly butt out if you are fed up with her talking about it. You seem less than clear that vaginal bleeding at her age is not normal and is terrifying. And her tiredness could be caused by all sorts of things - including depression which is surprisingly common in people who are more elderly, especially as their health starts to breakdown and their mortality faces them more clearly. No one who is feeling unwell needs a young 30 year old to make them feel that they must “buck themselves ups” , and if you at 30, can cope with your problems why the hell can’t they. Really? I hope you remember that when you are 70 plus

I am assuming this is your grandmother or elder aunt and so you are not NOK unless your own mum has passed away. So, you have simple choice, don’t engage until this is sorted, or stop being so utterly unempathetic when you do engage with her.

yes, she is waisting time and resources . But what are you or, more properly, her NOK doing to support her to receive the urgent diagnosis she needs to rule out cancer, that is probably causing her anxiety and panic. has her NOK , for instance encourage her to get an appointment to discuss how she is feeling emotionally with Gp and why she is constantly calling for help- that’d be a good place to start. For NOK to go along with her and encourage her to tell Gp how she is feeling- some short term meds may help relive her anxiety .

until something is sorted medically, She will probably just keep seeking help, until someone can positively put her mind at rest with proper diagnosis, or at least a clear confirmed pathway outlined of what is going to happen when and within a few couple of weeks.

What 7Eleven said is good advice. If this is your mum, call her for 5 minutes every day (maybe) and put her on speaker while you prepare dinner or wash up or fold laundry or something. Have Coronation Street on with subtitles. Practice 'really?' 'mmmm', 'oh goodness' etc. Then end the call.

Drop the rope.

Ignore the nonsense on Facebook and SM.

You sound horribly unsympathetic. She's having to cope with bleeding way after she finished her periods, from goodness knows what and she's having to wait weeks and weeks because the nhs is so fucked, and because she's old and a woman. She must be desperately worried, leaving health issues to resolve on their own is a bollocks policy and I'm not in the slightest bit suprised she's being proactive and making a fuss. If it bothers you all so much why don't you club together and send her to a private gynaecology clinic for scans etc?

I was thinking along those lines, @Appleofmyeye2023 but then the OP said,

she’s had all the necessary scans - she’s definitely just got fibroids but quite a few of them

Although NHS gynae is so dreadful for older women anything is possible I suppose.

You're coming across as one of those people who thinks no one else can be ill except themselves, that you're ill all the time, and that only your own illnesses are valid, and that because yours are minor enough to "just get on with it" (presumably except on days when you feel like being too ill to do anything) that everyone else should too.
I call it "hypochondriac's empathy bypass".
YABU. Your aunt is ill and scared and wants to make sure she's not forgotten about or missed off. She just wants reassurance and support. What a shame for her that she's got someone like you for absolutely no support or sympathy. I know you posted in AIBU but it's so clear from your responses that you just wanted everyone to agree with you.

A five minute per day conversation

will not help. People may be against hormonal treatment, bit there's a massive waiting list for NHS gynae surgery so there is no alternative. And the treatment is unlikely to be HRT. The way forward is to go to the GP! If you lie around for weeks on end, you compound the problem my losing 10 percent of your muscle mass during any three weeks of inactivity.

@Appleofmyeye2023 i think the OP has posted that all the tests have ruled out anything really scary and fibroids diagnosed.

Gynaecological bleeding can be life-threatening if it's constant enough or heavy enough - I've been hospitalised repeatedly for life-saving blood transfusions and also iron infusions and enforced stays in hospital because what started as a period ended up an emergency very quickly.
Has she had a 3T MRI scan and had her bone density checked just to rule out absolutely everything?
The hospital thought my problem was "just PCOS" - I recently had a 3T MRI after being hospitalised 4 times in a year (and often I was only bleeding lightly but the bleeding was going on for 3 weeks at a time) and they've discovered that my my bone marrow is like lace in some parts (thankfully I've been cleared of cancer after a Bence-Jones Protein test) and I'm awaiting yet another ultrasound after the MRI revealed that it's highly likely I have Adenemoysis.
Bleeding can lead to a lot of complications that can quickly become serious like anaemia and that in turn can and does affect your energy levels, your organ function and also your breathing.
I understand it's frustrating for you, but your relative is obviously scared/stressed and could be feeling pain, exhaustion, breathlessness that she's hiding from you x

I’ve noticed a few things out of character with her recently (being snappy towards family members which she isn’t normally and just demanding in general and not understanding why people have their own lives) so I think I might discuss with someone about if it possibly is the start of memory loss issues as someone has commented on the post earlier

How about having a family discussion first.

If people are driving her to the hospital it is because
a) they believe that she needs the services
Or
b) they are unable or unwilling to reassure her enough that the GP is the best option.
Or
c) they are willing to spend the time in A&E knowing that A&E will send her home to act as a hero

I have significant fibroids and it is beyond awful, and I don’t even have a problem with the bleeding as it doesn’t happen very often with me.

Pain, discomfort, difficulty sitting up and bending in the middle for any length of time, the griping and constant period type pains, pressure on my bladder, constipation, problems with clothes around my waist putting pressure on them, fatigue from it all and generally just feeling thoroughly hacked off.

If she’s bleeding as well it will be heavy clots which are frightening, and she is likely anaemic from the blood loss.

If they are bad then exercise is out of the question. When mine flare up I can only walk for 5 mins or so as it feels like all my innards are going to drop out when I walk and the pressure is awful.

I am thankful that you’re not a member of my family, because if I felt for a minute that my family were talking about me like this I’d be really hurt.

In fairness I’m not at A&E every verse end, but I feel for her.

But you’re not in your 70’s you’re a young women in her 30’s and that’s very very different. Post menopausal bleeding can be a serious thing and it’s probably lead to a whole host of other symptoms for her including anxiety and panic. She needs a hysterectomy ideally.

Oh and please don’t say “just got fibroids”.

My uterus is the size of a 20 week pregnancy, which wouldn’t be a big deal if the fibroids were growing in the uterus cavity, but they’re not. That largest is the size of a large grapefruit. She is likely in the same situation.

And hormones won’t help. They may stop them growing further but will it won’t shrink them.

Sounds awful. Is the treatment to remove them? I hope you’re on the waiting list for that.

Try to have patience and understanding, though her own behaviour is obviously making this hard.
One day she won't be with you anymore...

I suffer with heavy bleeding, leading to severe anaemia and having no energy at all and it definitely impacted on my mood too. In my experience women with gynae issues are often fobbed off especially older women. I'd be terrified to start bleeding in my 70s.

If she has gone from being active to depressed and no energy she is obviously struggling.