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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be losing sympathy for this family member?

68 replies

Crunchie673 · 24/07/2023 10:16

I’ve got an older family member. They’ve been suffering from some health issues - mainly bleeding from down below because of a gynaecology issue.

The hospital know what the issue is, it’s not life threatening or anything dangerous, it’s just an inconvenience and they’ve been told to basically just wait their turn and see if any further treatment needs doing.

I understand that it’s frustrating - I suffer from health issues myself - but they’re not helping themselves. They mope around indoors all day and then complain that they feel unwell all the time, they go back to A&E over every little thing even though they’ve been told why this is happening and there’s nothing they can do until she gets an appointment with the correct hospital team within the next few weeks.

It’s just becoming frustrating because she keeps going back to A&E expecting them to fix the issue then and there when that’s not going to happen, and every single phone call is them whinging about how unwell they feel but they’re not doing anything to help themselves.

AIBU for losing sympathy and being a bit drained by it all?

OP posts:
flossymuldoon · 24/07/2023 12:15

7eleven · 24/07/2023 12:09

Sounds awful. Is the treatment to remove them? I hope you’re on the waiting list for that.

Thanks. I’ve gone private in the end as I’m looking at a long wait due to covid backlog. I was referred as priority and haven’t heard a peep yet after 5 months. Not ideal that I have to pay but my quality of life is now being massively affected.

I’m booked in for full hysterectomy in Oct. That was the only option as they’re too large and numerous for anything else. And I need abdominal hysterectomy as I’ve over the uterus size threshold for laparoscopic.

Cracklecrack · 24/07/2023 12:16

Is she in lots of pain? I’m guessing yes. Then yeah that would make you nope around right? And I can see why you might head to an and e for pain relief if it’s excruciating….women’s health is treated undwrrwhelmingly……

DisquietintheRanks · 24/07/2023 12:20

drpet49 · 24/07/2023 10:29

This is unacceptable. She is just wasting their time.

Actually, what's not acceptable is that she's likely to be left in this state for months. In most developed countries she'd be treated within a few weeks.

7eleven · 24/07/2023 12:20

Yes I was wondering if the OP’s relative might be able to afford private treatment. They’re obviously suffering a lot.

TSPAOIFA · 24/07/2023 12:24

What I take from your posts OP is that you have illnesses, your relative has illnesses, you think your relative is getting a lot of attention - and is using Facebook as a tool for that.
Do you get any help or attention with your illnesses? Are you receiving active treatment?
I think that your relatives reaction is quite normal for someone who isn’t currently receiving treatment for something that is causing her distress. Your reaction to it seems wrong. Most people would want their relative to receive the best care and have an end to discomfort. That’s why people think you sound very cold.
I would also suggest you think carefully why your reaction is strong enough to put it on mumsnet. Do you you feel overlooked with your illness and are jealous that your relative is getting attention? I have seen people react like this for similar reasons.

EL8888 · 24/07/2023 12:29

drpet49 · 24/07/2023 10:29

This is unacceptable. She is just wasting their time.

Exactly. This is part of the reason wait times at A&E are so long and it can be so busy

Jenypenny · 24/07/2023 12:31

I've had fibroids. I can understand this situation a bit. Everyone is different and she may have bigger ones than mine or more than I had.

It was an inconvenience with heavy bleeding, bloating and constantly needing to wee due to pressure on my bladder and pain and pressure in my lower abdomen. I tried not to drink to much if I needed to be out all day.

I had scans and tests etc and went on a waiting list for surgery. They gave me medication to shrink them but this didn't work and all my symptoms persisted.

I had surgery and was told that after surgery the fibroids could come back. I am post menopause so I no longer have any issues.

I'm sure that if the fibroids needed urgent attention surely the consultant would recommend this considering her age.

She may be abit depressed with being unwell or an attention seeker,hence the continuous talk about her health problems and posting updates on FB but there does come a time when if she knows the consultant is not going to put her forward for surgery she has to accept that she must wait.

In the meantime she needs to seek advice for what to do about the heavy bleeding if she hasn't done that already and eat a good diet of green vegetables and iron and get plenty of rest when needed. There's not much else she can do.

Patcherdog · 24/07/2023 12:34

The poor lady must be really scared. I hope things resolve soon.

FarmGirl78 · 24/07/2023 13:18

Applescruffle · 24/07/2023 10:40

Genuine question - what more do you want them to do to "help themselves"?

They seek help when they feel they need it. They reach put to family for support. What exactly is it ypu think they should be doing other than not moaning to you?

To go out. To keep active which was what she's been told by medical professionals. To accept that there's nothing (for now) that anyone can do. To seek help only if anything changes which warrants a visit to A&E. To cheer herself up by discussing something else other than her condition. To not waste NHS time and resources which could be time allocated to someone else who really does actually need it.

I've been off work with a sudden onset unforseen condition for past 4 weeks. I'll be off indefinitely. I'm in pain, so much even seamless knickers are too much to wear, I can't sit up because of pain. I can't stand up because of pain. It hurts to lie down but I can just about manage it. You know what distracts from it? Phoning friends and relatives when needed to discuss ANYTHING BUT MY CONDITION.

Its a shame that OPs relative doesn't realise that her actions are quite so much to other people detriment.

bladebladebla1 · 24/07/2023 13:24

Oh my god, I can't believe that you can't see how horrible having bleeding all the time is. I have this right now and it's horrendous and scary no matter what they tell you

BigGreen · 24/07/2023 13:50

Perhaps she is anaemic and suffering neurological symptoms with it?

longtompot · 24/07/2023 14:37

Crunchie673 · 24/07/2023 10:38

@Hufflepods its not constant, she hasn’t had a proper bleed like currently in at least 2/3 weeks and yes I am starting to get cold now because I’m getting sick and tired of it dominating every single conversation and having to repeat myself with them every 5 minutes

YABU. I am 51 and recently had two extremely heavy periods lasting over two weeks each time. I now have the signs of anaemia returning, one of which is being utterly shattered. I sound like I have run up a hill I have only just walked up, or up the stairs.
YANB a bit U about her going to a&e but maybe she isn't feeling listened to by her gps which is why she keeps going there?

CarrieOnBoris · 24/07/2023 17:03

Does she have dementia?

Elsiebear90 · 24/07/2023 17:34

I think there’s something going on mentally (maybe dementia) if this behaviour is very out of character for her.

I have a lot of gynae issues, have been bleeding constantly for almost a year and her behaviour is off tbh. She’s been told there’s nothing sinister going on, she has a diagnosis, refuses to take the medication offered to stop the bleeding and just repeatedly visits A&E instead? I don’t see how anyone could say that’s normal or rational behaviour.

It will have been explained numerous times to her by now that they can’t do anything for her in A&E, if it was anaemia causing her fatigue and low mood they would have diagnosed that on blood tests in A&E (anyone complaining of heavy or ongoing bleeding would at the very least have their Hb checked) and offered her treatment. Posting it all over Facebook too is odd, if you’re unwell and that scared for your health you’re frequently going to A&E, the last thing you want is dozens and dozens of people asking you questions about it, that’s clearly attention seeking.

I would be very concerned if my relative had a sudden personality change and acted like this.

LizzieSiddal · 24/07/2023 17:42

*MissMarplesNiece · Today 10:59
Don't forget, OP, that heavy bleeding can lead to anaemia which can make you feel very poorly.

This!

I’ve been anaemic caused by heavy periods and it was horrific. I thought I had something very seriously wrong as I had absolutely no energy, was falling asleep at all hours of the day and felt nauseous and faint. If she hasn’t already, she should ask for a blood test to check for anaemia.

PoshPineapple · 24/07/2023 17:46

@FarmGirl78

To go out. To keep active which was what she's been told by medical professionals. To accept that there's nothing (for now) that anyone can do. To seek help only if anything changes which warrants a visit to A&E. To cheer herself up by discussing something else other than her condition. To not waste NHS time and resources which could be time allocated to someone else who really does actually need it.

I've been off work with a sudden onset unforseen condition for past 4 weeks. I'll be off indefinitely. I'm in pain, so much even seamless knickers are too much to wear, I can't sit up because of pain. I can't stand up because of pain. It hurts to lie down but I can just about manage it. You know what distracts from it? Phoning friends and relatives when needed to discuss ANYTHING BUT MY CONDITION.

Its a shame that OPs relative doesn't realise that her actions are quite so much to other people detriment.

Sympathy, FarmGirl - it sounds horrible, whatever the problem is.

I just think it's dreadfully sad that someone FEELS they are suffering to this extent (and none of us can judge on the validity of her discomfort, as we only have the info on here to go on) and that they are suffering enough to willingly sit it out in A&E. Whether or not it's a drain on NHS resources, her family or the call handler at the end of the phone at 111.....the point is that this woman is clearly very, very worried about her health and it seems all she is getting back is her family moaning that she needs to buck herself up. How can her actions be to the detriment of her family? If the OP and her relatives are that pissed off with what she is doing/not doing, then I'm jolly glad they aren't the ones who are going to be looking after me if and when I should need it. I don't know anyone who actually WANTS to mope around at home feeling ill, or spend hours in A&E, so the fact she is doing so very likely means she IS unwell, or at the very least needs to speak to someone who can reassure her properly, rather than "we'll see when we can see you, in the meantime go and enjoy life". I had an accident many years ago, and for weeks afterwards, I knew something was not right. Not just from the amount of pain I was in, more than I just knew somehow. After 3 weeks of being told by my GP (and A&E) that I had probably just pulled a load of muscles and I should stay as active as possible, it wasn't until I lost all control of my bowel, bladder and legs that somebody said "Uh oh, this is bad" and 4 operations later, I spent the next 5 months flat on my back in hospital, not even being allowed to turn over by myself, let alone sit up. The long road to partial recovery back home was even harder - but I found talking about my relentless pain and complete dependence on others helpful. Distraction techniques didn't work for me, the pain was too horrific to try and pretend it wasn't there. To the opposite, I found talking about it and addressing it somehow validated the pain and made me cope with it slightly better. I'm certain I was a drain to my friends and family during this time, but thankfully none of them felt the urge to publicly ask if I was being unreasonable for being ill, or if they were being unreasonable by moaning about me. And they certainly did NOT ever suggest I should pull myself together! I'm eternally thankful I had such a loving, understanding and patient network around me. My point is, nobody knows their own body better than the person walking around in it - and sometimes sixth sense plays a part. Rather than frustration being bandied at this lady, someone needs to talk to her to find out where this sudden change of character is coming from.

Noicant · 24/07/2023 17:56

I would assume she’s anaemic, I felt like death before my transfusion, I could barely move. Plus she’s probably really uncomfortable. I think gynaecological issues are just too easily dismissed.

Sixmonthcruise · 24/07/2023 18:13

As someone who has suffered from gynae issues for years, I think yabu. Gynae issues and anaemia which often goes hand in hand with bleeding can make you feel awful, I ended up having an emergency iron infusion because I was constantly dismissed. The gynae waiting times in this country are getting longer and longer. I am currently on a 9 month waiting list despite being in agony every month following a gynae procedure last year.

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