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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH won't let DSD husband in our house

97 replies

tryandtryagain · 22/07/2023 23:07

Me and DH have been together for 22yrs we have a adult DS together and he has a DD from previous marriage. I've pretty much bought her up with him and her DM and me and DSD for the past few years have had a close relationship. She is now married and has a DD toddler herself.
A year or so ago her and her DH had some troubles and she stayed with us a few days with the baby. DH has never been keen on her DH and I felt he loved the fact they weren't getting on and wanted her to split. She went home to him and got counselling and now are generally happy it seems. The issue is since the trouble my DH refuses to let her DH in our home which means I can only see her on my one day off a week.
She works in the evenings and usually has busy weekends with DH and his family. I really miss them all coming over for dinner and seeing my DGD as a family. DH won't budge. He wants her and her daughter to come on their own. She wants to come as a family with her DH. It doesn't help that since she got married DH hasn't keep in touch with her and apparently hasn't text her in months. I know he hasn't seen her in around 6 months. I just feel so sad about it. It's starting to really make me resent DH.
Any advice on how to handle this ?

OP posts:

Babsexxx · 23/07/2023 07:38

Your husband needs to grow up providing the issues between dd and her dh where not irreparable (which clearly they where).

What exactly happened that was that serious? I would be having firm words with dh depending on the situation as your all missing so much!

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 23/07/2023 07:45

Your dh is being an idiot, he's going to end up with no relationship with his dd or his dgd if he's not careful.

Jongleterre · 23/07/2023 07:52

Pig headed stubbornness is not a nice trait.

He needs to suck it up and accept that his daughter and her family now come as a package.

Createausername1970 · 23/07/2023 08:02

If it were me, I would have a conversation with DH to say she is as much my daughter as yours, and as much my grandchild as yours. I want to have a relationship with all three of them. If daughter has sorted out problems with her own DH, then that has to be respected, and ideal the grandchild is bought up in a loving home with both parents, and to actively want anything different for the grandchild is selfish.

I will be part of their lives and if you chose not to it's up to you, but the grandchild will, at some point, become old enough to know why she never sees grandad.

IF the marriage fails of its own accord further down the line, then we will help to pick up the pieces, but in the meantime I am doing what I can to support and love them all. So if you get left out of family gatherings, celebrations, weddings etc., in years to come, then that's your choice, but it's not mine.

Hiddenvoice · 23/07/2023 08:04

His stubbornness over this is making his loose his dd and grandchild.
Is the house jointly yours? If so then tell him you’ve invited them over for dinner. If he’s unhappy then he can leave during the dinner as it’s both your home and you are not missing out because of his stupidity.

UndercoverCop · 23/07/2023 08:05

I would say to him, you will lose the relationship with her you have and the trust that allowed her to come to us when her marriage had difficulties. If things go wrong again which I hope they don't, I want her to know she can come here, which she won't if she's barely seen us

AllotmentTime · 23/07/2023 08:06

If dinner together is what worked for you, can you offer to cook and take dinner to their house?

And do not, obviously, make any or leave anything for your DH while you're out.

pictoosh · 23/07/2023 08:06

I'm going to say your dh is being an arse. Even if it's the case that he really does not like the way his son in law treats his daughter, he is also treating her poorly. He is punishing her for making an adult choice of her own volition, which is controlling. This is not a matter in which he gets a say.

Treacletoots · 23/07/2023 08:07

Who is he to tell you who you can and can't see in your own home?

I'd remind him that 1. It isn't the 1950s and 2. If he really is that emotionally unintelligent that he can't get over this, then he can always leave the house whilst you see your family.

Or "Off you fuck, dear" to put it more succinctly

CurlewKate · 23/07/2023 08:07

I do think it depends a bit on what the troubles were. Did he abuse her? Hit her? If so I can see why he doesn't want him in the house...

Followwill · 23/07/2023 08:09

CurlewKate · 23/07/2023 08:07

I do think it depends a bit on what the troubles were. Did he abuse her? Hit her? If so I can see why he doesn't want him in the house...

You'd like to think that if a father knew his daughter was being abused he would keep lines of communication open between them in the event of his daughter wishing to leave. Would you not?

There's having principles and then there's being a stubborn idiot.

Saracen · 23/07/2023 08:12

What sort of troubles did your DSD have with her husband? Was he abusive?

If not then your DH is being an incomprehensible jerk. Seems like it isn't just about his dislike for his son-in-law, if he can't be bothered to even stay in contact with his own daughter.

I am so sorry for you. It's good that you get one day a week to see them at least - or does that mean you only get to see DSD and granddaughter while missing out on seeing son-in-law?.

CurlewKate · 23/07/2023 08:12

@Followwill My assumption that it was the husband he wouldn't see, not the daughter. Maybe I misunderstood...

Coolblur · 23/07/2023 08:15

He knows he can still see his DD but is choosing not to. It does to some extent depend what happened, for example if the husband was abusing her or cheated maybe he would never want to see him again. But he shouldn't cut his DD and DGD off like this.
He can decide who is allowed in your home (as can you). If he's adamant the man cannot be there then you and his DD must respect that.
Could he meet his DD on 'neutral territory', the park for example?

Tinkerbyebye · 23/07/2023 08:20

I would have a chat with your husband, tell him he’s going to lose the relationship with his daughter and granddaughter if he doesn’t grow up and accept that relationships go through rough patches like this one did but they have sorted it

and I would also say you are not prepared to lose the relationship so are inviting them all round on xx day. If he doesn’t like that he can go out

Coolblur · 23/07/2023 08:23

I will add I've been in this situation and managed to maintain a great relationship. I would never have disrespected their wishes over who came to their house, or not visited because of it (is she choosing this or is the husband telling her she can't visit without him?)

I don't agree that OP should ignore her husband's wishes, it's his home too, why should he leave while the son in law visits?

Something happened that your DH can't get past. But unless he wants no relationship with his DD he, and she, have to find a way to keep in contact.

Sigmama · 23/07/2023 08:27

Your dh has no right to dictate who comes into your home, invite the dh anyway and hopefully them meeting will start to build bridges. Even if the dh is a shit her choice of partner should be respected at least on the surface

readbooksdrinktea · 23/07/2023 08:28

CurlewKate · 23/07/2023 08:07

I do think it depends a bit on what the troubles were. Did he abuse her? Hit her? If so I can see why he doesn't want him in the house...

Exactly.

Sigmama · 23/07/2023 08:30

Not really, at this stage of life the daughter's choice is her choice, it many change in the future, but he should be there for her

johnnydeppsslipper · 23/07/2023 08:33

To me it totally depends on the situation that caused them to split for a bit.

A general not getting on and life stresses etc is one thing but if he was abusive or cheated on her then that's a different story.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/07/2023 08:35

It’s your home too. I’d tell him to grow up and put the past behind him, fuck off out or sit in another room if he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t get to dictate who his child is with.

JMSA · 23/07/2023 08:37

Oh, wow. Proving a point is more important to him than the relationship with his daughter.
Talk about making it all about him ...

You, on the other hand, sound lovely OP.

saraclara · 23/07/2023 08:49

UndercoverCop · 23/07/2023 08:05

That. That's the really important thing.

I've been the parent in this situation. I have never ever mentioned the hiccup in their relationship (which happened a very long time ago) to my dd since it was resolved. I've never wanted her to regret telling me about it. Was I angry with her partner back then? Absolutely, and I'll admit that I've never forgotten it. But it was more than a decade ago, they seem absolutely happy now and are wonderful parents.

OP's DH is doing the worst possible thing in showing his daughter that confiding in him was a terrible error.

Original poster

tryandtryagain · 23/07/2023 09:05

Thank you so much for the replies. I feel like I'm going mad trying to see his side and keep a relationship with my DSD. For context.
They were having issues between them about DH emotion responses to her upset. Being emotionally unavailable to her not the child. When it came to a head some angry texts were sent which she showed us. Not abusive or swearing but threatening to hurt himself or damage the house . He didn't. They were both young and going through a lot and emotions were running high. He threatened to enter the property one evening by smashing a window so he could sleep in the home as he was sleeping in his car. Police were called and he left without any protest. Police told us they thought he was depressed. They were having anti social behaviour issues from neighbours at the time and they were both very unhappy. They have now moved house which helped.
They had some time living apart he got counselling. Things have improved. No issues since.
DH keeps referring back to what he did as his reason not to have contact with him. He thinks DSD should "be strong enough" to come alone without him.
I just can't imagine not seeing my GD and the fact that it seems to not bother him is making me feel very weird towards him. Like it's given me the "ick"

OP posts:

WtahhIread · 23/07/2023 09:20

I was going to ask what happened.

Threatening suicide is a common tactic amongst abusers plus the threat of violence. That’s just what you know about.

As someone that worked within the realms of DV I’m always amazed at how forgiving people are to these abusive men. She was abused.

So whilst I’m not saying what your DH is doing is the right way forward don’t minimise what her partner did.

Even with the counselling I wouldn’t fully trust him. In times of great stress as well as with alcohol people let their mask slip and their real selves emerge. It’s why in wartime amazing selfless acts of kindness and sacrifice occur and why some do unspeakable acts of brutality.

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