DH won't let DSD husband in our house

[tryandtryagain]

Me and DH have been together for 22yrs we have a adult DS together and he has a DD from previous marriage. I've pretty much bought her up with him and her DM and me and DSD for the past few years have had a close relationship. She is now married and has a DD toddler herself.
A year or so ago her and her DH had some troubles and she stayed with us a few days with the baby. DH has never been keen on her DH and I felt he loved the fact they weren't getting on and wanted her to split. She went home to him and got counselling and now are generally happy it seems. The issue is since the trouble my DH refuses to let her DH in our home which means I can only see her on my one day off a week.
She works in the evenings and usually has busy weekends with DH and his family. I really miss them all coming over for dinner and seeing my DGD as a family. DH won't budge. He wants her and her daughter to come on their own. She wants to come as a family with her DH. It doesn't help that since she got married DH hasn't keep in touch with her and apparently hasn't text her in months. I know he hasn't seen her in around 6 months. I just feel so sad about it. It's starting to really make me resent DH.
Any advice on how to handle this ?

Do you want this to be your life forever? Please think about how you can leave him. Is your house in joint names?

We have the house in both names. We recently paid it off. I think it would make it really difficult to split. I know it would get messy.

You'd have a decent amount of equity each though.

@tryandtryagain yes divorces do get messy…

Or a life time spent with this miserable man as he alienated all the children involved so you end up with no one visiting you or contacting you as they want nothing to do with him.

It’ll be easier to split a paid off house than one with a mortgage.

Speak to Women’s aid. They’ll put no pressure on you leave, but they’ll be able to furnish you with all the answers to things like that so that you have all the information you need to make decisions about your future.

He sounds like a dick.

If you left him, I'm sure she'd still want a relationship with you and she could come over whenever she wanted.

Thanks for all the advice I have been thinking things through since posting. I know this sounds really stupid but if I did ring women's Aid what do you think I should say? I feel stupid typing that but I honestly don't know

You tell them what you've said on here.

Tell them he is being emotionally abusive and stopping you from having a relationship with your DSD and GD and from the sound of it being unpleasant to you and your DS. He is grey rocking you.

They can give you advice on finances and the legal side of separation. What I would say is can you have a conversation with him and tell him how unhappy you are with this situation? I could give him the benefit of the doubt and say he is stopping his DD husband coming over because of the fallout from when they split but he does not seem to be making any effort to keep in touch with her and from the sound of it is not a good father and husband anyway so maybe that is an excuse. Maybe that is why his first marriage failed.

If I were you I would invite them both over anyway. It is your house too. He can go out if he does not want to see them.

He sounds like he's emotionally immature, and that everything has to be on his terms. Life doesn't work like that with adult children.

I've gone through situations where I've not liked one of our DD's partners but if anything, you keep them closer so you can watch them like a hawk - not ban them from the house. She is an adult, and it's her choice to be in the relationship be it good or bad.

I'm not sure I'd be able to get past someone banning their grandchild from the house, whatever the circumstance.

Imagine how lovely life would be if you had a home away from him, where your son and dsd felt free and welcome to visit at any time and there was no stress from your emotionally abusive husband!

And should things go wrong for your dsd's relationship, she would have you to support her, without her dad's manipulative judgement.

That you are medicating yourself just to live with him is worrying - he is going to alienate you from both kids eventually.

OP
The only man currently abusing your step daughter is your husband.
Perhaps point out that if she has a low bar regarding men, then it’s probably his fault.

Actually though, your husband is probably upset that another man has such control over her. If this was really about his love, he would respect her decision.

OP just pick up the phone and the rest will come. You don’t need to know what to say. Maybe start with your DSD issue and say you’d like to talk about the relationship with your H because you’re not sure what’s healthy anymore x

I spoke to him about the situation. I told him how sad I am about it and that he is isolating her and her daughter.
He won't budge he just says that she is a "big girl" now and should just come over on her own without him. I've said that she wants to come as a family as they are working hard at making things good and that when I've seen her she seems happy and healthy and is doing a wonderful job as a mum.
I think that he just sees it that because I see her that's enough. He knows what's going on her life and he my effort is his effort.
I told him how unhappy she is that he doesn't contact her and he just said again " tell her to come over with the GD".
He's now ignoring me and sleeping in the spare room. Which is fine. I sleep better on my own anyway. He complains about my snoring (which is loud) but he nudges me to stop me from snoring g and this wakes me up and I feel so tired in the morning.

You can lead a horse to water...
You've tried. But every time you post about him, he sounds worse. Not letting people sleep is a tactic used in interrogations. I think you'll have more to discuss with Women's Aid than you think!

@tryandtryagain so he’s doubling down on his decision.

Do you want another 20 years of this.

Do you want to wait until you become his carer or god forbid rely on him to care for you?

You think you’ll ever get Christmas Dinner invites to the SDs because of him. No Christmas or holidays with her or GD…

leaving is difficult and messy.

staying is giving in and accepting his behaviour.

Why are you prioritising your relationship with your husband, a man who appears to be low level abusive, over your relationships with your daughter and granddaughter?

He's not speaking to you and sleeping elsewhere because he is trying to bring you back into line.Is this really what you want, no relationship with your dd and dad, and stuck with an abusive arse?

I just want to say thanks for all the advice on here. I've not posted a lot in all time I've been in Mumsnet but I've lurked for years I wanted to update on my situation and harvest some support and advice. Since speaking to H about the situation and him taking to sleep in a separate room I have slept so much better I normally have very vivid dreams but I have not had them so much and feel more rested tbh. I had booked to take my mother on a uk break this week arranged since last year. H was never coming as he struggles with my mum who's a widow and partially disabled. He left for work yesterday and didn't say goodbye. I left fir the break with my mother and our 3 dogs. It's been over 24 hours since I left and he hasn't even texted to see if we arrived safely. I would normally have texted him when I arrived he would never texted first. It's been really hard for me not to do it but I haven't because I need to see who he is. He's been caught chatting to other women's on FB before (nothing sexual ) but definitely over familiar. He is also on lots of sites that are Pervy in my eyes. One group called (no bra club) where Jen share pictures of their partners breasts. This was another major fall out in our long marriage where I was made to feel like I was over reacting and it was just a bit of fun. I have access to his FB messenger and he isn't aware he is not pc savvy and can even send an email ! Last night at 11am he was taking to a random man from Texas who had sent him pictures of his ex in underwear. He was saying to him how "hot" she was and then man was talking about how they broke up and that she was a "slut" who didn't play be the "rules" and that his new partner likes to try new things and my H responded with "I bet that's refreshing!" With lots of fire emojis etc. I am just processing that he's doing this and he hasn't even called or text to see how I am and if I'm safe. My fuvking marriage is over isn't it. I'm not even upset. It's like nothing surprises me.

It sounds like his behaviour towards your dds partner was to distract everyone from what he was doing. I don't think I'd want my marriage to continue if my dh behaved how yours is with these photos of other mens wives. I hope he doesn't have any of you to share. Time to get those ducks well and truly in a row💐

Ewww 🤢

Time to get your ducks in a row. Try to enjoy your holiday and use quiet time to plan your exit. 💐

If you stay with this 'man' you will be very lonely in your old age. He has done untold damage to his children. There will be no visits from the kids or grandkids. It will be bleak. Not a future I would look forward to.

Tell your DSD the advice she would get on MN would be LTB.
Never seen so many people on MN prepared to welcome a known abuser into their home.