DH won't let DSD husband in our house

[tryandtryagain]

Me and DH have been together for 22yrs we have a adult DS together and he has a DD from previous marriage. I've pretty much bought her up with him and her DM and me and DSD for the past few years have had a close relationship. She is now married and has a DD toddler herself.
A year or so ago her and her DH had some troubles and she stayed with us a few days with the baby. DH has never been keen on her DH and I felt he loved the fact they weren't getting on and wanted her to split. She went home to him and got counselling and now are generally happy it seems. The issue is since the trouble my DH refuses to let her DH in our home which means I can only see her on my one day off a week.
She works in the evenings and usually has busy weekends with DH and his family. I really miss them all coming over for dinner and seeing my DGD as a family. DH won't budge. He wants her and her daughter to come on their own. She wants to come as a family with her DH. It doesn't help that since she got married DH hasn't keep in touch with her and apparently hasn't text her in months. I know he hasn't seen her in around 6 months. I just feel so sad about it. It's starting to really make me resent DH.
Any advice on how to handle this ?

I can see his point tbh.

Tell him it's your house too and you're having them over. If he doesn't like it, he can stay upstairs or go somewhere else.

He doesn't give a shit about DSD and her safety, otherwise he would keep the lines of communication open, have them round as much as possible so he could keep his eye on the situation and making sure she knows she always has a safe space with support,understanding and no judgement if things go wrong again.

But no, he's being all billy big bollocks, wounded pride of a man because another man messed with HIS daughter, his as in property. His ego is more important than the wellbeing of his daughter and grandchild and a relationship with them.

Parents can't make choices for their children, we're here to just support them.

Your DH is running the risk of estranging his DD and GC. Pls keep seeing them all inc her DP. Your DH needs to realise he could lose them all and accept whilst he might not like his SIL he's going to have to lump it.

If I'm contemplating distancing myself from someone I think about how I'd feel if they died. Would I regret not seeing them. Its a great test to use, try it with your DH.

Good luck, it's a tough one.

His son in law does sound awful tbh.

But cutting off contact isn't the way to go. He'll end up alienating his daughter, she's not going to choose her dad over hey partner and father of her child.

The husband sounds like an arse. And I would be very wary of him with that behaviour in the past.

However if he is an abuser is much more important to keep the trust and communication open with your DSD. Banning him is not going to remove him from her life and just removes the support she had initially to turn to.

So her Dad is someone who barely bothers to contact her, doesn’t emotionally support her and insists on his way regardless of the impact on her and his grandchild… and he’s surprised that he’d husband sounds very similar…

I’d be picking this as a bill to die on tbh. If one of my children was in a potentially abusive relationship there’s not a chance I’d accept DH assisting the partner in isolating her.

My parents were violent and abusive - my grandparents keeping them close is what saved my siblings and I when the abuse escalated and turned on us.

Difficult one as since the police were involved that’s pretty serious. It must have been scary for her and as a parent I think I’d feel the same way
as him. I don’t think I could sit round the table and play happy families.

However if he is an abuser is much more important to keep the trust and communication open with your DSD. Banning him is not going to remove him from her life and just removes the support she had initially to turn to.

Exactly. Hopefully he isn't, but I'd be keeping them both close to me so that I could at least pick up any indicators that things aren't great, and so that my DD still felt able to confide in me.

Your DH is being very short-sighted.

It's his house, if he doesn't want someone in his house, that should be respected.

I'm sure if you really didn't want someone in the house, you'd get your way.

I understand your point there completely. I just feel so sad that I won't be able to have my family together anymore. I adore my GD and love being around her I want to see them more that's all. He won't even discuss it he just closes me down. He says she knows where we are and can come over whenever but without him. She won't come because he makes no effort to keep in touch. I text her every week and check how things are and get pictures of GD so we remain close. She says that she is done now.

Have you made it clear how much you want to see them, OP? Can you arrange to visit them? I know you say that they're busy at weekends, but if you made it clear how much you miss them and want to spend time together, surely they'd make space for you?

It's also OP's house.

If he doesn't even bother to keep in touch with his daughter when he suspects she's in an abusive relationship my opinion of him would dive tbh.

That's pretty shit parenting to not even have a "He's not welcome, but I message her 2/3 times a week" thing going on.

Was he a decent father to her before the incident with her husband or has he basically always left it to you?

He's never been a great parent. Our son has a terrible relationship with him. He's a bit picker and has lots of "jokes" with our son that aren't funny and he just tries to keep out of his way most of the time. Me and my DS are really close and he tells me everything he's autistic but functioning with a full time job. He's done so well in life despite a terrible time at school. I often see my friends husbands with their kids and feel so sad. My brother in law is always with his GC and when I see photos at the park or farm or birthday parties I want to cry. At my GD birthday I had to go alone not that it's a problem me and my DHex get on really well she's a lovely woman. It's not always been easy but we get in great over the last few years.

Think it sounds like your DH's approach comes from a place of protectiveness over his daughter, and maybe disapproval of her decision to patch things up as he didn't feel it was best for her wellbeing.
In your position rather than alienate the man you live with, the more constructive approach would be to have an open discussion on common grounds: love for your daughter and her child.

I would appeal to him to consider that she came to you for support on one occasion and there is a chance she'd need it again. Her close family becoming distant is a real risk to her if she is or ever becomes subjected to domestic abuse.
As a side note I'd be particularly worried that a woman who received judgment for returning to her man after one occasion would be even more hesitant to seek support for fear of further backlash from her critics.

Could either of you live with yourselves if it turned out she needed you but didn't feel able to come to you? Is that a risk your husband is willing to take with her wellbeing and that of his blameless granddaughter??

'He's never been a great parent'?.

Was he nota great parent to his daughter too?

He had a troubled relationship with her and bickered a lot with her mum. He also wanted to be the better parent to her in her eyes and indulged her alot when she was young but then if she was upset with him over something he said or did , instead of trying to talk about it he would stonewall her and go NC until she got in touch. As she's got older she sees this and just doesn't contact him at all.

He doesn't sound a great father, grandfather or husband tbh.

Surely it's your house too. Just invite them round and he can suck it up.

If not I would consider divorce

@tryandtryagain given your updates, I don't understand why you're so surprised at his behaviour. It's obvious his relationship with his daughter was always about him ,what he wanted,how he wanted it.

So you either put your foot down or watch the same pattern continue,now with a grandchild in the mix. I expect a rift between you and your DSD too eventually, as it's difficult enough already to maintain a close relationship.

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus I'm not surprised. It is the norm with him it's just that with my GD it's changed something in me. I just needed to say it to someone un connected to the situation to give me strength in myself.

Why can’t she just come over with her child?
Why does her DH have to be there too?

Tbh I can see why your DH doesn’t like him as he sounds quite controlling if she can’t go and see her parents without him.

He hasn't been and still isn't a good father.

I have no idea what sort of husband he is but is this who you want to spend the rest of your life with?

He clearly isn't going to change

The daughter wants to come as a family

It's her life and if she and her DH have resolved their problems it should be respected.

Also, seeing them together is a good way of judging whether or not he's good to her or not.

This. I’d choose your dsd and ds over this man. He doesn’t sound nice at all.

Because she doesn't want to. It's right in the OP.