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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To chuck divorce papers at him or chuck him out

52 replies

chillsznisnow · 22/07/2023 13:55

Hi guys

AIBU?

Bit of background for context!
Husband and I (40 & 37years respectively) 2 children (8 & 3) and i’m currently pregnant with our third. Both have good careers stable family unit, home etc.

We got married last year. Known each other as friends for many many years.

Ive always known he sometimes does c*ke when he’s out. But it got too much and well, at his age with a family it just seemed super loser-ish. So we had strong crisis talk in the last year or so over it. It was almost becoming a once a week thing when he went out and I just wasn’t having any of it. We are also saving up to move abroad so I just don’t find this conducive to saving not to mention being a good role model.

He promised he wouldn’t do it again as he didn’t want to jeopardise our marriage and the life we have created. I know he hasn’t done it for a good while now.

Last night he went out on a works meal and drinks. He knew I was quite poorly - currently suffering with SPD and some cold virus thing and sinusitis. He didn’t text once to check in on me which bugged me to begin with. (maybe i’m just being hormonal there?)
But I knew he did “it” last night because I heard him come in at 3:30am and go straight on the sofa. I confronted him this AM and he said he did it.

Does this guy think i’m joking when I say enough is enough? I don’t think he quite believes me when I say it’s us or “it”.

I just don’t find it acceptable i’m pregnant, quite poorly and I just don’t find it right when you have a family let alone a young family.

I of course love him to bits and he’s an excellent hands on Dad. I feel like when is he going to learn? Do I hand him divorce papers? Do I tell him to go and leave and stay with his sister for the time being?

I do not want to leave him but I feel like he thinks this is acceptable. He needs to realise i’m serious.

AIBU /Hormonal pregnant woman??

OP posts:

Original poster

chillsznisnow · 22/07/2023 14:13

Hope it is ok to bump as I can’t find this anywhere on the thread 🤔

OP posts:

MostlyHappyMummy · 22/07/2023 14:18

You've always put up with it, so of course he doesn't think you're going to leave or ask him to leave. He knows you'll carry on putting up with it and to be fair, it wasn't enough of an issue to prevent you having children and marrying so he probably doesn't understand why you've suddenly decided to draw a line in the sand.

Lunab18 · 22/07/2023 14:18

You wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask him to leave but you need to decide what you want in the long term. Is he going to stay gone or will you let him come back when he promises not to do it again? Only you know if you can end your marriage because of this.
He has shown a complete lack of respect for you and his children and I would guess this will likely continue.
Good luck x

Babyroobs · 22/07/2023 14:24

I think addicts will always go back to it. You married him knowing he does coke, addicts don't change, they just lie and tell you what you want to hear. I would tell him to go. It's a shame when you are only one year into marrying him and pregnant again but I fear it will just keep on happening.

ArbitraryHaddock · 22/07/2023 14:29

Don’t give him the ultimatum unless you mean to carry it through. You’ve never meant it when you said it before, why would he think it’s different this time?

ginasevern · 22/07/2023 14:33

You decided to marry him and are now pregnant with child number 3. How much did this actually concern you?

caringcarer · 22/07/2023 14:35

Can't understand why you chose to have children with a loser druggie? I'd have run a mile.

SuperSange · 22/07/2023 14:39

ginasevern · 22/07/2023 14:33

You decided to marry him and are now pregnant with child number 3. How much did this actually concern you?

This I'm afraid. Your poor children.

DonnaBanana · 22/07/2023 14:41

Friends, good dad, love him, everything else seems fantastic? I think you should tread carefully because the grass isn’t always greener and those are a lot of good points to have.

Should you tolerate someone with a daily habit, sucking your family funds dry, and using around the kids? Absolutely not. Someone who uses occasionally and recreationally? Maybe.

Twiglett2 · 22/07/2023 14:43

If every other aspect of your marriage is good then I don't think I'd end it over this. However I'd also not be happy about it and think weekly is far too often, and agree that at his age and with a family it's pathetic.

He should have checked in with you when he was out. He is taking the piss coming in so late and taking coke when you're at home with small kids, pregnant and unwell. It's thoughtless and I'd be as pissed off at that as I would be the drugs. I also think going out every week, if it's until that late is too much.

You need to somehow make him realise that you won't put up with it but if you don't actually want to end your marriage then don't threaten to leave.

I put up with my ex going out weekly and binge drinking, he also gambled and refused to stop smoking. I spent almost 20 years thinking he'd eventually get bored of it and "grow out of it". He didn't, he continued, then had an affair.

Im99912 · 22/07/2023 14:54

You knew he took coke and still married him
knowing that he liked to take coke you had baby no 3

you know what he is
It’s your decision to stay with him

you can’t and won’t change him
you can change yourself

unfortunately you have three kids with a druggie so your unlikely to leave him any time soon . He will probably leave you before you leave him :

don’t issue ultimatums your not prepared to carry out
you just look week & stupid and he will know that you don’t mean it so he will just carry on doing whatever he likes

GoingGoingUp · 22/07/2023 15:02

You’ve always accepted it and then all of a sudden it’s a no?

What’s changed?

Farmersswife · 22/07/2023 15:11

It’s all a matter of opinion. My DH occasionally does it when out, once every 6m maybe. I wouldn’t be happy it being more regular but once or twice a year is fine imo. If I’d have asked him not to when I was near my due date he definitely wouldn’t have tbf he didn’t go out when I was pregnant. You’ve put up with it this long he isn’t likely to change.

Totaly · 22/07/2023 15:14

A third baby will cost way more that a bag of coke at the weekend

Yes he needs to stop but you can’t have everything your own way.

Throwawayme · 22/07/2023 15:25

My gran used to say that people can change but you can't change people. He's the only one who can decide to stop it. I'd not stay with someone who did coke regularly in their 40s with 3 kids but don't tell him you're leaving if you aren't prepared to go through with it.

ExtraOnions · 22/07/2023 15:36

Cocaine users … giving zero considering to the people who are enslaved, abused and murdered to produce their recreational drug. They are “good parents” and the same time as approving that, in other parts of the world, children are used as forced labour, and left orphaned. Don’t forget supporting Criminal Gangs in this country, shooting innocent bystanders on a night out.

The Cocaine business is stained with blood … nice people don’t support it, in any way.

IncompleteSenten · 22/07/2023 15:39

"I do not want to leave him but I feel like he thinks this is acceptable. He needs to realise i’m serious."

Are you though?
Never make a threat you aren't 100% committed to following through on.

StellaJohanna · 22/07/2023 15:39

WTF is happening that any women at all think it's ok if her DH "does coke now and again"? People die to supply that drug to bored, rich, feckless people in the West. It is a very dangerous and addictive drug.

He has no morals, no self-control, doesn't give a shit that it's illegal or the misery caused so he can snort that up his nose? Absolutely pathetic man. It will escalate, it cannot be controlled and he will drain your family's money. A £200 a day habit is the eventual result. And he has little children. I don't know how you could bring yourself to have sex with him.

ttcat37 · 22/07/2023 15:40

You’re married to a class A drug addict. You asked him to stop, he can’t, for me it would be rehab and regular drug testing or divorce.

gogomoto · 22/07/2023 15:42

It was obviously acceptable for babies 1&2 ... for me it was me out on the occasion in other words I would never have dated a drug user but you did

BatsHaveButtcheeks · 22/07/2023 15:44

ExtraOnions · 22/07/2023 15:36

The Cocaine business is stained with blood … nice people don’t support it, in any way.

Agree.

But then OP didn't give a shit either, and condoned it, until she decided it bothered her.

Pathetic people.

Crayfishforyou · 22/07/2023 15:44

What happens when one of the children finds his stash??

KVick · 22/07/2023 15:46

Coke isn't his primary problem: the drinking is. Drunks take coke so they can keep on drinking. If you're 40 years old and you want to still drink till 3am like you did in your 20's, then you'll need a bump or two of cocaine to keep the party going. So this man needs to stop ALL of it and check himself into rehab. He is far too old for this nonsense, so if he's still behaving this way, he's got a drinking problem.

CattyCattle · 22/07/2023 15:52

I voted YABU as you didn't mind before.

I am in the minority in this as I don't believe he's an addict and it seems to be recreational. I wouldn't blow my life up for this as I don't have a particularly strong moralistic view point on not doing drugs as I've done a lot in my life.

You also cannot threaten people with leaving them if they don't do what you want them to do. That's controlling.

Merryoldgoat · 22/07/2023 16:10