To chuck divorce papers at him or chuck him out

[chillsznisnow]

Hi guys

AIBU?

Bit of background for context!
Husband and I (40 & 37years respectively) 2 children (8 & 3) and i’m currently pregnant with our third. Both have good careers stable family unit, home etc.

We got married last year. Known each other as friends for many many years.

Ive always known he sometimes does c*ke when he’s out. But it got too much and well, at his age with a family it just seemed super loser-ish. So we had strong crisis talk in the last year or so over it. It was almost becoming a once a week thing when he went out and I just wasn’t having any of it. We are also saving up to move abroad so I just don’t find this conducive to saving not to mention being a good role model.

He promised he wouldn’t do it again as he didn’t want to jeopardise our marriage and the life we have created. I know he hasn’t done it for a good while now.

Last night he went out on a works meal and drinks. He knew I was quite poorly - currently suffering with SPD and some cold virus thing and sinusitis. He didn’t text once to check in on me which bugged me to begin with. (maybe i’m just being hormonal there?)
But I knew he did “it” last night because I heard him come in at 3:30am and go straight on the sofa. I confronted him this AM and he said he did it.

Does this guy think i’m joking when I say enough is enough? I don’t think he quite believes me when I say it’s us or “it”.

I just don’t find it acceptable i’m pregnant, quite poorly and I just don’t find it right when you have a family let alone a young family.

I of course love him to bits and he’s an excellent hands on Dad. I feel like when is he going to learn? Do I hand him divorce papers? Do I tell him to go and leave and stay with his sister for the time being?

I do not want to leave him but I feel like he thinks this is acceptable. He needs to realise i’m serious.

AIBU /Hormonal pregnant woman??

Some harsh criticism on here from the holier that thou. I do think you’ve been slightly naive but I think some of us (due to our social circles or media) are conditioned to believe the odd bit of sniff isn’t that bad, it’s a bit of fun with mates when the drinks are flowing. It can carelessly fall into the category of reckless pill taking in your teens and the odd spliff and you can fall under the conception that you will grow out of it, stop it when your responsibilities grow.

For a lot of people that isn’t the case, it’s extremely addictive and accepted in certain circles.

As an ex addict he won’t stop unless he truly wants to and I don’t believe he will as he doesn’t see himself as an addict, so he will only contemplate stopping using when things break beyond repair, whether that be him having a heart attack or his health deteriorating in another way, him losing a lot of money and putting you all in financial jeopardy, work getting wind of this habit and losing his job or losing you? If I’m honest threatening him that you are leaving won’t make him stop either, it needs to be his decision.

I think you need to make yours. If it is nonnegotiable, starting aligning your ducks and be serious about moving out, have the kids in the forefront of your mind. A parent that casually regularly does this will condone this behaviour and I speak from experience when I say it isn’t the example you want to set to your children, it makes them vulnerable and susceptible to similar behaviours.

If the good points out way the bad, his a good dad, loving etc, then show him material to help him quit, he needs to go sober (from everything) he needs to change his friendship group, dapper laughs and Kirk (ex towie) have some incredible podcasts and books which he tally reiterate the damage he is causing to his life and others around him.

Sorry this is long, sending you good luck and warm wishes xx

Just before the mumsnet jumps on me on being a terrible parent, I meant I grew up in a household where it was regularly being taken which I believe didn’t help my consequential battles..

I went sober years before having my own children.

He needs to realise i’m serious

But you’re not. You keep having children with a druggie.

Poor kids.

People are putting it a bit harshly, but tbh you have given him totally mixed messages about this. Either it's a deal breaker or it isn't. It makes no sense to bring in the fact that you are pregnant or have a cold - that's not why you want him not to use drugs, is it? You just want him not to do it, full stop. But it's too late for that - he already knows you are going to tolerate it, because you have for all of this time.

I'm with @ExtraOnions on this. It would be instant divorce from me because of all the arguments she has listed. You've condoned it so far - give your head a wobble and think about that.

I understood long term coke use can lead to heart damage. Perhaps pointing out you don't want to be a young widow may help him focus his mind?

Sounds like he uses coke when he is out & had a few drinks? Is it just works night outs this happens? If he really wants to stop he needs to avoid these situations when he struggles to avoid it.

he needs to get help & really look at how is required to get over this. Nights out drinking will have to stop as well I suspect.

If he really wants to stop he needs to avoid these situations when he struggles to avoid it.

He clearly doesn't!

Wow some savage responses. I'm sick of the bitchiness on mumsnet towards people with 3rd babies. Just get over it and stop judging people.

I think you've got to talk to him about it, be honest and say I don't think I can do this any more. Maybe look at professional help. Good luck and try not to let it stress you out when pregnant x

Yet another thread that needs showing in school to let women know what happens when you blindly want children and are happy to have one with losers, especially ones that show their hand early in a relationship.

I'm sick of the bitchiness on mumsnet towards people with 3rd babies. Just get over it and stop judging people

This is nothing to do with having a third child.

Sounds like you’re projecting.

OP, another thing to bear in mind is that he may not keep his job if he’s taking drugs on work nights out.

Exactly.

Totally this. I am so bored of the rhettoric by mainly middle class users to justify their own addictions. This is the reality. And gangs and children dealing.

Also, in terms of practical advice OP, I married a niddle class addict. I have never taken drugs in my life so it wasn't part of our relationship but it was prevalent in his work environment. He would come home much as you describe and be so fucking boring whilst thinking he was the biggest swinging dick in town.

I gave him an ultimatum and he basically lied to me and I thought he had stopped when I found outnhe basically taking as much as he could and sitting up all night wanking and worse.

He didn't sort himself out until I served divorce papers on him and chucked him out. He is evangelical about it now and its like I have the man i married back. He went into rehab and therapy and joined CA. He doesn't drink anymore either abd as a result I don't either. But he broke our marriage really. Whenever he gets a cold I wonder if he is using even though objectively, I know he is not.

I have become really aware of which of our friends have the most fucked up kids too now they are all mid teens - its not the ones with parents that call it a night after half a bottle of wine.

I suggested similar once and was absolutely torn to shreds.

The reality is women overlook terrible obvious flaws in partners and get married and have children in utterly ludicrous circumstances.

I wish we’d start telling women what happens when you get entangled with lazy disrespectful boozy men.

The low standards are so upsetting.

This. You knew what he was like and then decided to bring another child into this absolute mess.

A medic friend recently told me a person has a 75% chance (or something) of being addicted to coke after using it once. For opiates or heroin it’s something like 90+% after first use.
ive tried coke and I can really believe it.
It’s going to be something his body is drawn to again and again. It will take serious will power on his part to change his ways

That's rubbish information. Cocaine isn't even physically addictive.

I don't know whether OPs dh is mentally addicted or likes a dabble recreationally. There is a difference.

This is 100 percent true, but anyone who suggests that women are accountable and responsible for the quality of men they choose to sire their offspring is completely castigated here. It's as if those who have employed their uteri can categorically do no wrong, and anything that does go to shit is the fault of men, of "society" or some other external force that totally absolves women of their abysmal choices. It is baffling.

You'd think people who profess to care about the welfare of children/human beings would endorse higher standards for procreation, but instead they go batshit at the suggestion that women should control their urges, take responsibility for their fertility and hold out for better.

I think expecting someone who is developing a serious coke habit to stop because you no longer like them doing it was unrealistic. It’s rarely that easy.

I certainly wouldn’t be moving me and my kids abroad with a man who had a drug habit. But then I wouldn’t marry and have kids with someone who did.

In fairness to him, it’s an addiction. One you have been done with him indulging. He may want to stop. But huge changes have to take place. It’s entirely your right to not want him to do it anymore.

But you are changing the goal posts and for someone to give up something they are addicted to they need just more than a stern word from their wife.

But also, you will continue to put up with it, I guess. It’s very unlikely you will kick him out permanently or divorce him.

I’m no fan of narcotics but this is total bollocks.

Does this guy think i’m joking when I say enough is enough?

Of course he does because you are, you have tolerated it so far.

I don’t think he quite believes me when I say it’s us or “it”.

Why would he?

Never give ultimatums you can't stick to, you won't stick to this one you are already making all the excuses - I of course love him to bits and he’s an excellent hands on Dad.

He's a druggie, he disregarded everything you had apparently agreed on in your 'crisis meeting' and why? Because he knows you won't follow through and taking the drug meant more to him than you or his family.

Like others I can't comprehend why you ever went along with it in the first place let alone had children with this man.

I am also sick to the back teeth of all these middle class, high earners preaching about the destruction of the environment, poverty, violence, etc., whilst shoving white powder up their nostrils completely disregarding the absolute horrors that are perpetrated on the environment, on the men, women and children in the countries where it is grown and manufactured. Disgusting hypocrites who care naught for the ruined lives they leave in their wake so that can get their hit.

YY

County Lines.

And the middle classes/high earners/white men are not being stopped and searched by the Police.

He has always done coke. He sint going to change and now you both have nearly 3 kids. Only you can decide if your still happy with his coke usage