Hate my child being clingy and talking constantly.

[Dina82]

Could never admit to this in real life. DD 7 just want to be around me constantly. I work from home and am a homebody.

She is a beautiful girl who I love dearly but she constant wants conversation, won't play on her own, she has stopped playing with toys and loves arts and crafts.

I just wish she would stop being so attached to me. We have days out, reading time, park trips etc but at home she wants to be physically close to me and I just want to zone out it be in my own space.

I've noticed it more as we are back from hosing family for 2 weeks and she was attached by the hip to her aunt. Coming back it's started again. AIBU? I'm truly grateful for her being my daughter and do do extra curricular activities with her, emotionally we talk a lot and out feelings, worries and any concerns she has. I reassure her but on the whole she is confident.

I have no family or friends where I live that she goes to so it's me and her every weekend and holiday. DP and I wouldn't allow it, yes we have play dates but my own family I'm NC and with friends I wouldn't put my trust in them. We are protective. She does activities like Brownies and gymnastics, art class and is very sociable at school.

Whats wrong with me?

Your DP's behaviour does sound troubling. It's not normal for you to have to fight with him to get him to agree to your daughter doing extra-curricular activities.

As for the talking constantly, maybe I am a harsh parent but I tell mine when I want some peace and quiet and ask them to go and do stuff in their bedrooms. I think children do need a balance between loving attention and also learning to occupy themselves.

My dd was like this. It was relentless. She drifted away a bit at 13 or 14.

But I’m still her first choice of person at 17!😫She is ND however, and actually at 17 is just an utter delight. She was only diagnosed 10 months ago. She still likes attention and one to one.

Thank you, I see a family where we live and they do exactly the same as op and you can see the childrens mental health being impacted in a huge way and children are always incredibly sad it is heartbreaking to watch.

What is ND?
Sorry I don't understand.
What was she diagnosed with.

OP, you mentioned you have/had a complex PTSD. Of course this will have an effect on your child. It's not your fault, but it's her fate, to deal with that. No one would be able to tell you exactly why and how this results in her clinginess and I am sure you are a good mother and not on purpose showing any signs of distress. But these things are impossible to hide.

It always amazed me how books on how to bring up children basically require parents to be completely perfect untroubled individuals throughout their past and present, as if they are not living. This is not how the world works.

Just to give you my experience, my DM had horrible trauma and I was very anxious as a child. She did her best, and I completely overcame that, and never had anxiety as an adult.

Dina when your child goes to her clubs do you and your partner stay with her?

Thai is why I fought for DD to attend. I could see it potentially harming her mental health. She needed more socialising and stimulating. She attends after school clubs 3 days a week and the other days is outside playing with friends or they are around ours.

The problem is me and feeling overwhelmed needing a break and just wanting to be sat with my own thoughts. I've had copious amounts of therapy to get through my past.

Your DD is obviously very sociable and it is unreasonable of you to expect her to entertain herself for hours on end. She needs people to interact with. I think that you need to start letting her have a bit more freedom, and to allow her to spend time at good friends' houses (where you know the parents) by herself.

The good bad and ugly- good question.
So it started off with gymnastics which DP allowed for her to attained as the parents watched from behind the glass wall partition. She was 5 at the time.

It's progressed to 2 hours away at Brownies. Completely unattended and dance and art class also completely unattended and unable to watch which I'm fine with.
DP took some convincing.

Just to give you a wider perspective- it would never cross my mind to vet the male partner of a school mum before letting my child go on a playdate age 7. If I know the mum, have seen the house, no red flags, they send me pics, I know what they are broadly doing on the playdate, everything seems in order- I trust my instinct and leave them to it. I wouldn't enquire if a dad, grandad or uncle or older brother would be present or not. I would assume my connection, the mum, could safeguard my child.

I would not assume anyone coming on a playdate would check whether my DH was there or not, either.

Unfortunately your mental health issues are not your child's cross to bare, yous are smothering her, she is only used to you and your partner you are not allowing her to breathe or get used to other adults that is why she is demanding your time and energy she is not being allowed independence.

I agree with the poster who thinks your controlling husband is also controlling you. I don’t think you’re seeing the reality of the situation here. Nor are you seeing the full effects…yet.

I rather suspect you’ll reap what you’re sowing come the teenage years. And I suspect that is when your husband (and you, if you’re determined to back him on his views) will double down on preventing her from doing anything independently because fear. You’ll probably feel you have a lot more to fear then.

God help her when she wants to try drinking and discovers boys. 😞 poor girl. She’s so clipped.

This feels like your main issue. Having to run it by your partner that your child would like a play date is very unusual at any age, and not something the majority of us would be comfortable with. It is absolutely controlling to ‘not allow’ play dates or extra-curricular activities.

I sense that you find it difficult to connect behaviours in your family to outcomes. DP and you say (in your actions) that it’s not safe to be alone with others. DD hears ‘it’s only safe to be with mummy.’ I also wonder how DP’s other behaviour (which you’ve not mentioned) is affecting your younger child. If he or she is controlling in this way, are there other aspects of their behaviour which are controlling?

It sounds like you are in an abusive relationship and the level of control your partner has over you and the kids is insane. What friends are these? Are you sure? Usually school mums stay with the kids anyway as they know how people feel about dad's/ brothers they don't need to be told.

Also my son is naturally so chatty. It’s beautiful and totally unbearable at times for me if we’re together for prolonged periods. The only way I’ve found to deal with it is to give him time away with others; children and adults. His friends’ parents love him as he goes round to their houses and chats away with them and their kids about philosophy/physics/art/engineering i.e. whatever they’re interested in, then they get to give him back. I honestly wouldn’t (emotionally) cope if we were together 24/7, and he’d be utterly bored of me. You have been told what the solution is here!

I don't see the big deal in not allowing her to go to friends houses or birthday parties unattended.
Better be safe than sorry.

There aren’t two binary outcomes from this, though (“safe” or “sorry”). Arguably, in not letting your DD have a tiny bit of independence in a (very, very likely) “safe” environment (a friend’s house, with their parents), you hamper her development and her own understanding of what’s “okay” and what’s “off”. And that’s something that we all - young women especially - need to have a good feel for as adults. My friend often tells the story of a friend of her younger brother; his parents were super protective and wouldn’t let him go out on his own. As a result, as a young man he was much less streetwise than his peers and would often get into trouble/sticky situations simply because he didn’t know how to behave. So taking extreme steps to keep a young child “safe” may be a strategy more likely to lead to “sorry” later on.

A couple of things. Its weird that at 7 she cant go to a friends house alone for 45 minutes. The actual likelihood of sexual abuse needs to be balanced against the benefits of a normal childhood

You are currently struggling with her being full on so that's a risk factor to all of your mental health - you can't your from an empty cup. Which isnt to say risky situations are fair play.

But if you make a good, sound decision which is likely to be safe for her, that's all you can do, you cant hide her from the world. And i agree with another poster, DP sounds weirdly possessive of her freedom. Coupled with your anxiety and life experience, I think you are both enabling eachother to restrict her life experiences because you have a disproportionate experience and expectation of risk: hypervigilant to a low risk due to your experience making you believe it is higher risk and taking disproportionately cautious action to prevent harm.

The other thing is, I dont actually think you and your partner are causing the chattiness or clingyness. Some.kids are just extroverts like you said. It is perfectly reasonable to set out expectations of personal downtime. Mummy is reading a book, mummy cant play now. We can play after lunch. If you are bored you could help.by putting your laundry away. I find asking my child to do a chore in their room usually guarantees an hour of peace as they get easily distracted and procrastinate!

Ding! ding! Ding!

If everything you say about your DD is true, the problem is not her. Do you not get a little break when she's out playing? Why is your DP not spending time with her so you can get time to zone out? How much zoning out do you need to do?

Sounds (so far) like the problem is an unsupportive partner, not a clingy child. Your needs don't seem to be met. That's not on your children, it's on you and the other adult in the household.

*sorry, not zoning out, being in your thoughts. I don't know why my brain thought zoning out.

Herejusttocommnet. There is an unfair balance of downtime DP has compared to me.
I feel resentful.

Yes everything is true about DD. What's there to lie about on an annoymous forum. Uber confident, umber happy. Just wants to be kept busy and stimulated and is at the age she finds no interest in toys.

On holiday her aunt took her to a huge Toy shop and she chose the tiniest round gerbil type teddy and a glitter in the dark colouring notepad that she used once and threw away.

The problem is 100% me and what posting here for advice has made me realise is I do have an unusually large need to be in my own company, without being around others. I find it overwhelming and clingy.

I have often wanted to run away and go to a hotel just go sit and sleep in silence. I have plenty of time to be on my own, and DP does his fare share.

Take Sundays he will happily spend the day with DP whilst I do my own thing but more often that not I don't want to just leave the home. I want to be pottering about in my own thoughts not interacting too much with anyone.

I'm away to google the symptoms of being an introvert.

Not sure if it's relevant but when both children were 2 I put them in private nursery just to have downtime even though they were easy going.
I just seem to need a break from people and conversation and that includes my children.

I have taken DD to the library today, she has been in and out the garden, her cousin came over to play later this evening. It's been quite unproductive.

Thanks for the reply.
Sorry, I didn't mean you were lying, just a figure of speech.

I think this is something you might want to mention to your therapist, could be because of C-PTSD.
Just like I suspect ND (neurodivergence) in my daughter, I suspect it in myself (have done all my life actually), and I can relate to this intense need to be on your own. There are many cross overs between ASD symptoms and C-PTSD, so I would definitely mention it so you can come up with a plan on how you can get those needs met.

That's reassuring to hear DP does his fare share, could you also share this with him? Would he be supportive of it, could you reach a solution you'd both be happy with?

There is someone I follow online, she's a mum of 2 and she's ASD, the way her and her husband work this, is that the husband completely takes over the parenting and house for 3-4 hours every day, usually in the afternoon, with the alone time finishing before the children's bedtime so they could do bedtime together. That's just as an example, obviously not everyone can be so flexible.

Ah @Dina82 i really do feel you. I also find occupying my lovely children all day totally overwhelming. I need quiet to collect my thoughts, organise the house, read my book etc. You’re not broken. It’s just a shame you’re living with a level of overwhelm that to me would be unbearable because you have shut down opportunities to buy yourself back some time x

You are a homebody and an introvert - she clearly isn't. It sounds like she needs more stimulation and interaction with others than you are allowing.

The facr you noted she became clingy with her aunt suggests this isn't a "mummy's girl" thing - she is clearly craving a lot more human interaction than your current strict rules can give her.

It is perfectly normal at 7 years old for her to go to a friend's house for tea or go on a day out with a friend's family.

However if you do not want her to go places without you, it is unfair to complain about the fact she is constantly in your company - you created this situation.

When it gets to the point of her not being able to visit a friend's house without you it's extreme.

Bit if you want to keep her in safe isolation then don't bitch about having to entertain her.