Hate my child being clingy and talking constantly.

[Dina82]

Could never admit to this in real life. DD 7 just want to be around me constantly. I work from home and am a homebody.

She is a beautiful girl who I love dearly but she constant wants conversation, won't play on her own, she has stopped playing with toys and loves arts and crafts.

I just wish she would stop being so attached to me. We have days out, reading time, park trips etc but at home she wants to be physically close to me and I just want to zone out it be in my own space.

I've noticed it more as we are back from hosing family for 2 weeks and she was attached by the hip to her aunt. Coming back it's started again. AIBU? I'm truly grateful for her being my daughter and do do extra curricular activities with her, emotionally we talk a lot and out feelings, worries and any concerns she has. I reassure her but on the whole she is confident.

I have no family or friends where I live that she goes to so it's me and her every weekend and holiday. DP and I wouldn't allow it, yes we have play dates but my own family I'm NC and with friends I wouldn't put my trust in them. We are protective. She does activities like Brownies and gymnastics, art class and is very sociable at school.

Whats wrong with me?

DP wouldn't allow it even if I would for the same reasons.
I fought tooth and nail to get her to attend extra curricular activities and WON!!

@Dina82 i guess when others are saying about the playdate thing for most parents by time child is this age, drop off playdates and / or parties are normal. I’m also anxious and wouldn’t have my child at a stranger’s house but I guess I got to know the families first, through school you know who’s who in the zoo, whether families are nice or not, and of course by 7 my kids understand personal boundaries and would tell me if anything happened they weren’t comfortable with.

Your question seems to be if there’s anything wrong with not wanting to spend every waking minute occupying your lovely child, and of course there’s nothing wrong with that! Almost everyone feels that way, which is why we do things like drop off playdates to buy ourselves some breathing space.

If you can’t get comfortable with that could you have her mates over more often without their parents? I stopped having friends’ parents come along to chaperone playdates when kids were around 4/5 and could just occupy themselves.

Sounds like she’s a great person and one of life’s extroverts who wants to be around other people all the time. And it’s harsh to kind of want her to fit into an introvert mould and be happy to be alone more because opportunities for her do more social stuff away from you have been rejected out of hand?

Maybe she’s picking up on the fact that you don’t let her be with other people without you? Appreciate everyone is different but around here most 7yo’s will go to parties and play dates without their parent there, not all the time but sometimes. From an outsider perspective she’s picking up on the message you’re sending which is that she needs to be with you always.

Autistic family here and this sounds very familiar.

I would suggest a big spreadsheet for the summer. Make plans, book her into gym camp or something for a few days, make a habit of taking a walk by yourself or alone time somewhere secluded, every day, even if it starts very small. Schedule taking her out for things and arrange for her to invite a friend if you can.

Ultimately playdates will get tricky and may dry up if you don't allow her to go on them without you. So what else can you build in to give yourself some breaks?

Also listening to music is good, either on headphones or together. DS and I have lovely times doing puzzles together with particular albums on in the background. It's a very low demand way to connect.

Honestly, after reading your updates, I'm not surprised your DD is clingy.

You and your DP both seem incredibly anxious. Going for playdates unattended at age 7 is perfectly normal and age-appropriate. If you never allow your DD to socialise away from you, what do you expect?

Not a ridiculous comment at all. Part of your daughter developing independence and confidence means letting go a little. At age 7, it’s usual for kids to have play dates at friends house without the parents of the visiting friend being present. If it’s a parent you’re not familiar with, you just go in with her, stay for a cuppa and return a few hours later. You’ve probably got familiar with the parents of your daughter’s friends from school events, parties, etc. anyway.

You just talk to your daughter in advance in an age appropriate away about letting you know if she feels uncomfortable, not keeping secrets, etc, etc.

@Sunnydays0101 exactly

People are commenting on what happens outside the home because it’s all connected. Maybe your daughter is picking up a sense from you that the world is unsafe and no one can really be trusted apart from one or two family members. That feeling is very likely to make a child insecure and clingy.

I'm not suggesting you go and drop her off with the local paedophile, I'm talking about her going on play dates with friends who's family you've got to know.

Plenty of kids go on play dates at friend's houses without it being a big deal, but it seems from your subsequent posts you have issues from your past that make you very wary. That will probably rub off on her and could be what's making her clingy.

I understand you have your reasons for not allowing her to spend time with others without you being there, but this is quite an unusual position (given her age) and she has probably picked up on the fact that what's normal for her isn't normal for most children her age. She may also have picked up on the fact that doing extra curriculars has been a big deal for you and your other half - this quite a high level of anxiety to be dealing with.

You're obviously completely entitled to make your own judgements on this stuff but it's worth being aware that your judgements aren't typical and that this is likely to have an affect on your daughter, especially in how she develops independence in an age-appropriate way.

You have mentioned a diagnosis of C-PTSD, abusive family, DP sounds even more anxious than you, that's bound to affect how you both parent and see the world.

I'm not saying it's wrong in the slightest, you both sound like great, loving parents, but it could explain your DD's clinginess which I understand is a problem for you.

Your can't change your past and traumas, you're not to blame for them, getting over them is a work on progress. What I'm saying is, if this is what's causing DD being clingy it will be something that you might just have to learn to live with, tag team with DP, make sure that each of you can get 30mins to an hour all to yourselves each day. Eventually your DD will become more independent.

Have you got any pets? Maybe a dog would give her someone else to talk to and cuddle?

So you expect parents to allow their kids to your house with your male dp present. But not vis versa? Sounds very anxious. I don’t work for health reasons so I knew the parents and built a level of trust. Play dates were usually after school when the dad was at work.

As for parties, at 7 dd wouldn’t stay alone. I was the only parent to stay for a cinema party. I apologised to the parents on arrival as I thought I’d be able to leave her by she wouldn’t stay on her own. They paid for my ticket and a meal, which I really didn’t expect.

Dd wanted to be with me constantly. Dd had play dates both at home and at the child’s house. I went to meetings at school, I’d met the parents, knew if they had siblings. These were a reprieve. I also had a reward chart, including playing alone nicely for a while once a day, I started at 15 mins when she was 5 and built it up to 30 mins.

I know you haven’t asked for advice. However, I would start by choosing a family with siblings, who are either younger or not a lot older. Then put it out in the open that your dp is anxious about play dates and meet both parents beforehand. Your dd isn’t going to be 7 forever and in 4 years time she will be starting secondary, choosing who she hangs round with, perhaps going to friends houses for a while after school to study or just hang or going to the park and so forth. The hanging around will start before this. It’s pretty normal to allow year 6 children to walk to the park with friends or go from one friend’s house to another. At this age, I was expecting dd to tell me here whereabouts.

Of course she wants to be with you. Being with you always involves your full attention, days out, lovely chats and activities. You are her perfect companion! Gradually and gently you need to introduce a bit more down time in your time together so hanging around you isn't always fun. At 7 she's old enough to be told you're reading your book/having a bath/doing something you need to concentrate on so you can't chat just now. As long as there are periods of quality time, it's perfectly fine not to be the entertainment available 24/7.
At the same time you need to loosen the reins a little. The risk to her of going to the home of another child without you after you've done due diligence is tiny compared to the benefit to her (and you!) of her increased independence.

Since you said she’s sociable and does activities I think it’s not a huge thing but obviously annoying for you. I will be annoying and say when the chatty thing goes you’ll miss it- 10yo is a bit less chatty now and he used to be non stop and I miss it so much (I know this doesn’t help you now!)

I will be annoying and say when the chatty thing goes you’ll miss it- 10yo is a bit less chatty now and he used to be non stop and I miss it so much (I know this doesn’t help you now!)

Definitely!

Reading between the lines...

It sounds like you have quite an anxious and insular approach to life and it's rubbing off on your DD.

It's understandable especially given your experiences that you want to protect your DD and keep her safe, but part of our job as parents is to give our children the confidence to take on the world and encourage them to take managed risks. If even attending extra curricular activities is a big deal in your household, it's not particularly surprising that she's heavily reliant on you.

So you are not comfortable leaving your DD at a play date at a friend’s house (due to concerns about not knowing the parents; fears of child abuse) but would allow play dates where you or your DP stay - is that correct?

And your (male?) DP was very reluctant to let her do any extra-curricular activities - presumably for similar reasons.

Bluntly, it seems clear that your anxiety is obvious to your DD and that she is picking up on only being safe around you, hence the clinginess (the issue you want advice on).

Were you the same with your older child - no play dates, no activities? If not, what has changed?

Do I have to spell it out. I know so many people who have been sexually abused as children. Why would anyone leave a child in the company of somebody they barely know.

Majority of kids are sexually abused by people they DO know.

Majority of kids are never sexually abused at all!

Well there is that @KingsHeath53!

I agree with others that yours and dps anxieties about what could happen are hampering her independence.

I taught my dc the pants rule and let them have play dates with friends.

It's concerning that you had to fight your dp to allow her to go to extra curriculars. This is not fair on you or her.

And to answer your OP I did find it a struggle to engage with dc particularly around that age. It was draining. I miss it now they're teens!

And yes the majority of dc do not get abused and the most likely person to abuse them if that does happen is unfortunately their dad or a family friend. Not their friends parent or brother. Not having play dates incase they are abused it a bit like saying you will get pregnant by sperm donation to avoid them having a dad.

I rather think your ‘protectiveness’ has created her clinginess, don’t you?

I can understand you being careful but the fact that there is NO ONE you would leave her with (excluding extra curricular) is very unusual.

I think maybe start thinking about someone who you would be willing to leave her with for an hour