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Original poster

I don’t want to be her maid of honour

65 replies

SugarOverload · 22/07/2023 09:00

My sister has asked me to be her maid of honour.

We get on enough but we’re not as close as we used to be. Without going into long stories about past events, I find she can be entitled and lacks empathy. She’s the golden child and whenever she says something awful or does something ridiculous (to others) family say nothing. There are past things which I still think about now, that we’re just so out of order but family just sweep everything under the carpet.

Right now I try to be civil but also have taken a step back as to not get into situation where I feel hurt. I have tried to talk to her before but it has never gone well.

She’s asked me to be her maid of honour. We were out with family, a couple left for a smoke and another for the bathroom so it was just me and her. That’s when she asked me, a kind of ‘by the way will you be maid of honour’. And no mention of it when the others returned.

Separate to the way she asked, I don’t want to be running around her for months with more demands and expectations.

Best way to say no? There’ll likely be fallout from her and family.

OP posts:
M4J4 · 22/07/2023 09:02

Yanbu. Maybe you could scare her off by saying you’ll be MoH but you won’t be able to help her with the wedding or hen do because you’ve got a lot on at work, so she may be better off choosing a friend?

Weal · 22/07/2023 09:07

Like pulling off a plaster. Do it quick and get it over and done with. The longer you leave it to say no the harder it will be.

Id just be direct and blunt. Either don’t give a reason and just say no, or give a reason that can’t be argued with and don’t be swayed.

Weal · 22/07/2023 09:08

what did you say when she first asked you?

dudsville · 22/07/2023 09:08

Remember that it will be better for her too if you don't. Perhaps she invited you out of a sense of duty, or maybe she feels more kindly towards you than you're aware. Whatever it is you can politely decline. She may turn it into a big deal, ie she may not let it be a polite decline, but for your side it's easy enough, "thanks so much sis for asking be too be your moh, such an honour. I've been thinking about it and I just don't see how i can fit this around work and home life at the moment so I'm going to decline, but really looking forward to your big day and happy to help in any other way i can".

iratepirate · 22/07/2023 09:10

Did you say anything when she asked?
Does she think you’re considering it, or you’ve agreed? I’m confused because if you didn’t want to do it, surely it’s easiest just to say “no thanks” at the time when it was just the two of you. Anything else and you’re making it a bigger deal than it needs.
Next time you speak to her, just say you can’t do it…

TheModHatter · 22/07/2023 09:12

“Ooooh, so touched to be asked, what a wonderful thought… in truth though I am not sure I can take it on because of work / kids / whatever and I would hate to let you down or think if your wedding not getting the attention it deserves. Have you thought about xxx best friend?”

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/07/2023 09:13

What did you say?

If you didn’t give an answer that’s easier, just tell her you’ve got too much on. If you said yes you’ll have to say you’ve thought about it and changed your mind.

However had it is saying no it’ll be much much worse having to do it given how she sounds.

Espanaes81 · 22/07/2023 09:14

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AnnaMagnani · 22/07/2023 09:15

I'd clarify what she wants a Maid of Honour to do.

Turn up on the day in a nice dress - fine

Organize hen do, run around fittings and listen to endless wedding shite - explain you are really busy, very flattered to be her MoH but don't have time for this.

Espanaes81 · 22/07/2023 09:16

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Turnthelightoff · 22/07/2023 09:16

It depends if it’s a full on responsibility role or just for show? Do you know if there are other bridesmaids who are her friends and who could do the main running round after her and you can just sit back? It might not be so bad or worth the drama of saying no if that’s the case. You could be doing her a favour of not having to choose between these friends making only one of them MoH (assuming she feels it’s absolutely necessary to have someone with that title.) However, even if you’ve not got to work out how to say no, you still need to set out your expectations for the role and what level of involvement you can offer to see if she’s still happy with that.

x2boys · 22/07/2023 09:21

You don't have to.do.anything g you dint want to,but if you accepted why would you be running g around after her for months?
I.wss my sister,s maid of honour I got a pretty dress and bunnch of flowers to.hold and a few photographs ,I also helped her to.the toilet with her train etc and that was it.

Lengokengo · 22/07/2023 09:24

I was MOH for my sister. We are not close and have an ok-ish relationship. My bother was/is the golden child and I am the scapegoat, she goes between neutral and golden.

It was fine, but I lived far away and had a busy job, so inadvertently side stepped a lot of what I should have done ( except being expected to look after a 4 year old bridesmaid all day when the parents were drinking…. I palmed her off onto the 12 year old bridesmaid and told her parents I was doing that.

Basically, tell us your response. If you accepted you need to set expectations now! Use work/ distance/ anything. Suggest another person (a friend of hers?) to do all the heavy lifting. You will be still fall foul of family, as a scapegoat, of anything you do, so if you can distract ( oh that was Sandra’s job, I told sister I was busy with work), then that’s best. Good luck

JudgeRudy · 22/07/2023 09:28

If you don't want to be a maid of honour for anyone then don't. If you definitely don't want to do it for your sister as you either don't like her that much then dont.
lf you think you could do it but believe your 'duties' will be too much discuss her expectations. Maybe get a few neutral witnesses...
I don't understand your reference to the way she asked you. How exactly did she ask and what bit did you find off?
Finally, did you say you'd think about it/get back to her? How did you leave it.

I think this could be an opportunity to iron things out and maybe start afresh. Your sister won't have a personality transplant, and the past is passed....but with a bit of diplomacy and understanding this could be exactly what you both (the family?) need. What I would consider is are you sure you can do it. You need to committ to follow through. Whatever has happened it would be awful if a big drama erupted and the wedding experience was spoiled.
She's asked you for a reason. Why do you think that is?

user1492757084 · 22/07/2023 09:37

Did you thank her for asking you?

Was that your initial response?
Maybe it's time to both grow up and start afresh.
It could be game changing if it works out well on such a happy occasion.

If you say no perhaps you could still be available to be a bridesmaid. (Thus, you won't have to be the pleaser and planner for your sister which could get messy but just be generally supportive.)

Aprilx · 22/07/2023 09:41

Well of course on mumsnet everybody hates weddings, hates attending them, definitely wouldn’t want to be part of one or be invited on a hens night.

How utterly miserable and petty to not want to be your sister’s MOH. And how could you not have already answered the question at the time.

betweenfriends · 22/07/2023 09:43

It sounds like you should have an issue with your family rather than her!

ivykaty44 · 22/07/2023 09:45

telephone Her and say that you’ve thought about it and the responsibility is to much for you so no, it’s better if she gets a mate to be MOH

Curseofthenation · 22/07/2023 09:46

I was very happy to be my DSis's MOH but if you think she's going to lumber you with a load of jobs then I'd send her packing. I would just give her a call and let her know that you don't have the time to fulfil any MOH duties. It might be nice to offer to be a bridesmaid to showing some willingness and soften the blow.

Do you think it is a case of your DSis having no friends due to her poor behaviour? Perhaps she won't have any friends to invite on a hen do if you really aren't close and she has asked you to be MOH.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 22/07/2023 09:47

I would say that you have too much on your plate to do a good job.

When is the wedding?

LlynTegid · 22/07/2023 09:48

Politely decline now, say thank you for the thought.

M4J4 · 22/07/2023 09:48

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Family dynamics are tough. I have some serious issues with some family members but I still spend time with some. Others I’m NC with.

Hankunamatata · 22/07/2023 09:49

I'd say you hate being in spot light blah blah. Would she really mind if you didn't do maid of honour.

Original poster
SugarOverload · 22/07/2023 09:53

I said I’d think about it and she obviously wasn’t happy with the answer but everyone came back and it wasn’t and hasn’t been mentioned since. I did say I would organise the hen as she did mine (I didn’t ask her to, I eloped so didn’t have a MoH) and it wasn’t really what I’d have picked but I appreciated the thought. My friends tried to help and sway her to ideas they thought I’d like and she wasn’t having any of it. I heard about all this after the fact.

No date for wedding as yet

I feel like whatever I say I’ll be the villain

OP posts:
Changingplace · 22/07/2023 10:00

If you’ve already said you’ll arrange her hen party then what else would it involve except getting a dress and being there on the day?

If you don’t want to do anything over and above this just set that out straight away, and I don’t see what the drama is about?

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