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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don’t want to be her maid of honour

65 replies

SugarOverload · 22/07/2023 09:00

My sister has asked me to be her maid of honour.

We get on enough but we’re not as close as we used to be. Without going into long stories about past events, I find she can be entitled and lacks empathy. She’s the golden child and whenever she says something awful or does something ridiculous (to others) family say nothing. There are past things which I still think about now, that we’re just so out of order but family just sweep everything under the carpet.

Right now I try to be civil but also have taken a step back as to not get into situation where I feel hurt. I have tried to talk to her before but it has never gone well.

She’s asked me to be her maid of honour. We were out with family, a couple left for a smoke and another for the bathroom so it was just me and her. That’s when she asked me, a kind of ‘by the way will you be maid of honour’. And no mention of it when the others returned.

Separate to the way she asked, I don’t want to be running around her for months with more demands and expectations.

Best way to say no? There’ll likely be fallout from her and family.

OP posts:

Changingplace · 22/07/2023 10:01

SugarOverload · 22/07/2023 09:53

I said I’d think about it and she obviously wasn’t happy with the answer but everyone came back and it wasn’t and hasn’t been mentioned since. I did say I would organise the hen as she did mine (I didn’t ask her to, I eloped so didn’t have a MoH) and it wasn’t really what I’d have picked but I appreciated the thought. My friends tried to help and sway her to ideas they thought I’d like and she wasn’t having any of it. I heard about all this after the fact.

No date for wedding as yet

I feel like whatever I say I’ll be the villain

If you said you’d think about it of course she didn’t mention it when people came back!

What on earth did you expect her to say?

FairAcre · 22/07/2023 10:03

She is your sister so you should forgive and forget and do it. Life is too short to be falling out over such things. It was gracious of her to ask you. You sound a bit jealous of her.

Original poster

SugarOverload · 22/07/2023 10:09

I’m petty and jealous??? Because she’s family I should just get over it?

OP posts:

Inkpotlover · 22/07/2023 10:18

Sod doing it to keep the peace or for appearances sake when you are not close and know it will be a nightmare because of how she is. I’d just say that you’ve thought about it and while you are honoured blah blah, you think her best friend/s would be a better choice because they know her better as the adult she is now. Which is so true with so many siblings - I’m not close to my sister and wouldn’t know what she likes these days.

forrestgreen · 22/07/2023 10:19

'Dear sis, thanks so much for inviting me to be your moh, it was really thoughtful and such a surprise. I've given it a lot of thought as I'd want you to have the wedding of your dreams but I'm sorry I can't commit to that at the moment. I'm so excited to see your wedding unfold. Love'

Are you wanting to be a bridesmaid or just a guest??

'I'm so excited to see your wedding from a guests point of view'???

ajandjjmum · 22/07/2023 10:23

Has she got anyone else you could have expected her to ask?

Dotcheck · 22/07/2023 10:24

OP
From your post, it seems like it is the family who treat her differently, and are the issue. Perhaps she is trying to mend your relationship?

RedToothBrush · 22/07/2023 10:26

"I don't think it's a great idea. I love you very much but I think it's an extremely stressful job that tests relationships. I value our relationship but think it's too fragile to be your maid of honour but I'm delighted your asked me. I think that ultimately you would be much happier if you asked a friend you get on well with and understands what you'd like for your wedding better than me rather than have me purely because you feel obliged to ask me"

EarringsandLipstick · 22/07/2023 10:34

I'd keep it simple & think about what will be easiest - for you.

For example, you may feel doing it would be easiest in terms of fallout.

However as your OP suggests there'll be a lot of running around / expectations, that doesn't seem an option.

I'd think about a plausible work / family commitment & then say that, no big long speech about fragile relationships & offer to organise her hen.

And yes, do it quickly!

Folklore9074 · 22/07/2023 10:55

Telling her you’ll think about it was a good move so now you can go in with ‘Ive thought it over etc. and no’

It’s better all round if you politely decline, if she takes it gracefully or not is up to her. If she doesn’t though it’s just proof what a lucky escape you’ll have had!

Mayhem3 · 22/07/2023 11:01

Does she have any friends?
Perhaps your her only choice?

I would text her and say you’re honoured but you may not have the time to go dress shopping etc with her and you don’t want to let her down so you think she should give it to someone else.

Tell her you’ll still plan her hen do if that’s what she wants.

If she has no one else to do it or if she did it for you then I’d probably just do it but make it clear that I don’t have loads of free time.

romdowa · 22/07/2023 11:02

As you said , you'll be the villain no matter what you say , so just say no. From what you say I imagine that if you agree to be moh then you'll end up running round and doing a lot of work and you'll still be the bad guy.

ExtraOnions · 22/07/2023 11:07

You don’t have to do it, it’s up up you. From your OP it’s hard to understand what she has done wrong. I see you feel that your family treat her differently, which isn’t her fault.

Maybe she knows you aren’t as close as she would like, and this is her attempt to fix theft

CovertImage · 22/07/2023 11:11

ExtraOnions · 22/07/2023 11:07

You don’t have to do it, it’s up up you. From your OP it’s hard to understand what she has done wrong. I see you feel that your family treat her differently, which isn’t her fault.

Maybe she knows you aren’t as close as she would like, and this is her attempt to fix theft

I agree with this.

Also "Separate to the way she asked"

What's wrong with the way she asked?

"I didn't ask her to..."

"It wasn't what I would've picked..."

You're the one who sounds unpleasant

Spreadbed · 22/07/2023 11:25

If you’re already arranging the hen do, I’m not sure what other responsibilities there are? My MOH didn’t do anything else that the other bridesmaids didn’t do, which was mainly just being there for me on the morning and taking pictures with disposable cameras!

I don’t think there was anything wrong with the way she asked really either, all of this big production/presents etc. is all a bit ridiculous imo.

Having said that, you’re under no obligation if you don’t want to.

nutbrownhare15 · 22/07/2023 11:33

You are already organising the hen do. I'd say yes to being MoH to be honest, it sounds slike there is no way to say no that won't cause upset but set boundaries around expectations around the role e.g. you'll take on the hen, could she ask other friends or relatives to help with other aspects.

Doggydarling · 22/07/2023 11:47

Is there a lot of running around being a MOH? I got married a few years ago, my moh and bridesmaid came dress shopping (1 day) for their dresses, we went for a meal instead of a hen night because I preferred that and that's was all they needed to do. I had the full blow out wedding with half the parish there but the groom and I organised it all from the church to the bands. The moh wanted to do her own makeup and hair so she arrived ready to go, bridesmaid had hers done with me and once the pictures were taken they were free to do whatever they wanted. What running around do other brides expect the moh to do? I'm curious as to what I didn't do. I've never been a moh or bridesmaid, very small circle of friends and we all had similar weddings.

Newgirls · 22/07/2023 11:53

i think she loves you and wants your relationship to be better/important. You are both stuck in some bad behaviour patterns prob caused by the family dynamics. Long term you both could be happier if you get counselling to work through the problems - on your own is fine I am sure. Short term you could be honest but kind and say ‘I’d love to support you but sometimes we don’t get on. Should we talk about that first…’ but that could open a can of worms and counselling might better prepare you for that tricky conversation

Maddy70 · 22/07/2023 11:53

I feel it's odd that you wouldn't do that for your sister. Of you get on well enough.

All sisters clash and say and do mean things as they grow up.

You're adults now.

They way she asked you was fine. She asked you discreetly when there was noone else there.

AndyMcFlurry · 22/07/2023 11:56

do what @TheModHatter said. Keep it short and sweet, no need for a lot of angst.

Peachy2005 · 22/07/2023 12:20

Just tell her Bridesmaid is a job for the single girls who have more time for all the fuss that entails and you would rather not as you (hopefully) have the excuse of being busy with your own family. Good luck!

saraclara · 22/07/2023 12:28

I'm confused as to why you seem annoyed that she didn't mention it when the others were back?

She did the decent thing and asked you privately, so you weren't pushed into a positive answer. Then when you said you'd think about it, again, she did the decent thing and didn't mention it in front of the friends as that too, would put pressure on you.

I can just imagine the alternative OPs:

"My sister, who I'm not close to, asked me to be her MOH in front of our friends so I couldn't say no"

"I told my sister that I needed to think about whether I could be her MOH, then she kept on about it in front of our friends so they all tried to persuade me to do it"

Espanaes81 · 22/07/2023 12:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Newestname002 · 22/07/2023 12:39

The suggestion by @dudsville without the words "and happy to help in any other way i can" or you May still get dragged into arraignments. Also @TheModHatter's suggestion is good. The signs are not good that she'd be laid back or forgiving.. 🌹

IveHadItUpToHere · 22/07/2023 12:47

Of course it's not been mentioned since - you said you'd think about it. It's up to you to bring it up again.
If there are consequences, it will be because you're acting flakey ie not giving a straight answer; not getting back to her; sending mixed signals by offering to organise her hen but not wanting to be MOH; spending time with her despite saying you have a bad relationship.
Stop turning this into a bigger drama than it needs to be - just say no fgs.

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