Taking children to potentially unsafe country

[Pred1cament]

My husband and I aren’t in a great place. Together 15 years, married 8, 2 dc 1 and 5. We don’t argue and he has a lot of good qualities, but various issues over the years have sent us both in a bit of a spiral where we don’t feel particularly loved by the other, and it becomes a vicious cycle. We had a big chat last night and both said we want to make it work, but effort needs to be made big time on both of our parts. I’m definitely in the ‘what about the kids’ way in thinking about what if we split up. One issue we’ve always had is he’s African and he doesn’t think I take enough interest in his culture. There are various reasons for this that I could go into but will make this super long. But I do agree to an extent that I could show more interest. He goes home every couple of years. His home country isn’t a war zone or anything but it’s deprived and only a few weeks ago one of his friends and he were talking about if you become ill whilst visiting then there’s a high chance you won’t come out of hospital. My husband has lost 3 brothers who still lived there. His parents have never met our kids. We always said we’d go out there when they are a bit older but now his parents are getting old and his dad in particular is in ill health. He said last night he really wants us to all go out there next year. I expressed my concerns about healthcare which he kid of just dismissed, but I said if it’s important to him that we’ll go. I’m now worrying about it and what if my kids get ill whilst there. AIBU to say I don’t want us to go given I do admit I need to try harder with his family. I know if it was the other way round my parents would be devastated to have never met my kids. I just can’t shake the safety side of things. Please go easy on me, I was a bit shocked by some of what he said last night as although I knew we do t have a lot of time for each other at the moment I didn’t realise we were quite so far into the spiral of potentially not staying together forever. Thanks for reading.

Get the best travel insurance you can afford, so you can be flown out if you need care?

Hard to say without knowing what country it is?

Thanks. This is something I mentioned when his friend and he were talking about it and they said with the corruption there they often just want cash upfront before they’ll help you in any way. But it is something I will look into. Thanks.

You refer to them as “my kids” but they are “our kids”. They are his kids as much as they are yours. He has as much right to take them to visit his family as you have right to take them to visit yours.
Take the necessary precautions beforehand and let them go!

Zimbabwe

i would start by researching travel insurance and medical evacuation plans. If that is an option for the location, even if expensive, I might be Worth including in the travel budget.

Thanks. It’s definitely something to consider. When he was discussing it with his friend they were saying the roads are so bad that it can take hours for an ambulance to be able to reach you etc. I’m obviously thinking worse case and totally get why he thinks I’m overreacting. But I can’t shake the uncertainty

Check the FCDO guidance page. Get good, comprehensive travel insurance. Make sure you know where good hospitals and doctors are. Go armed with all the info you need in case of an emergency and then hope you do not need it.

Make sure everyone has been vaccinated appropriately. Check if you need a malaria prescription, etc.

I think it is reasonable to make the effort to go, but also wise to have all the important info to hand.

Obvious question, but I take it there is no chance of his parents coming to you? You could even use the money you would have spent on flights to pay for them, which would resolve the issue.

I get why you are apprehensive, I would be too, although if there is no way his parents can get to you, and your DC are in good health and therefore unlikely to need medical treatment on holiday I would probably go for it, just as PP said, with good travel insurance.

I would go. Get all the jabs you need, do your homework re risks etc. You will probably be surprised when you land. Things seem a lot scarier from afar.

My reasoning would be, if you break up he will probably want to take the kids without you. At least if you're there you have more control.

Good luck

If it makes you feel any better, OP, I have a (white, British) friend who married a man from Zimbabwe and they have three children.

They travel to and from Zimbabwe fairly regularly - maybe once a year or so, obviously less during Covid times - and have never had any issues.

Obviously take the usual precautions - travel insurance, vaccinations, a good extended first aid kit including broad spectrum ABs - but Zimbabwe is fine compared to, say, the DRoC.

Stick to cities, rather than rural areas

https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/zimbabwe

Worth reading.

His parents came once before and ended up staying months longer than they originally said (one of the cultural differences that cause tension with us - he thinks I’m unwelcoming because I like to know how long people are staying with us for). Also I’m not sure his dad will be well enough to travel but we can discuss it. Thanks.

I've spent several summers in Zim with friends and hoards of kids. Fantastic fun. I think you need to weigh the (actual) risks against the benefits - exposure to other cultures, happy grandparents, happy dad. Just do it!

If you take out appropriate insurance and make sure they have any relevant jabs and so on before they travel, I wouldn't have a problem with them going to Zimbabwe with their father. Look for insurance that would cover them being flown out of the country if necessary.

Also, while I'm sure your DH and his friend are right that medical treatment there isn't great, when they say that people don't come out of hospital I suspect they're talking about people with life-threatening conditions and diseases rather than, eg, a child with a broken arm.

It's awful that he hasn't been able to introduce his children to their grandparents and he's right that they should understand their heritage and culture on his side. I'd want to take them in his position too.

Agree with PP regarding ensuring you have the best travel/medical insurance available.

I'd also ensure I took a credit card with a high available balance so if the worst came to it, you can speak to insurance to confirm they will cover then use cc to pay upfront. You'll also have some protection from the cc company regarding potential corruption (check t&c's for spending in that country though).

Ensure everyone is fully up to date with all vaccinations, including recommended private vacs, then go and enjoy meeting/getting to know his family.

IMO if you become involved and have children with someone from another culture then it is unreasonable not to make some effort with regards to that culture even to the point of going to their home country to visit.

In essence, if you didn’t want your children to go to Zimbabwe then you shouldn’t have married a Zimbabwean. We are far too guilty here of expecting people to live up to our demands and yet we criticise other cultures for doing the same.

This. I have Zimbabwean friends, though they've all lived outside the country for years. I know things are more than usually unstable at the moment, because of the election next month, but presumably you're not planning to travel that soon.

I don't think crime is worse than in much of South Africa, where Brits travel often without appearing to be much worried by it certainly there are lengthy power outages in SA at the moment (DH travels there for work often). Where in Zimbabwe are your husband's family? I think I'd be most concerned by the possibility of road accidents crappy roads, poor street lighting in urban areas, even when the power is working, ditto traffic lights.

My own country doesn't have an embassy/consulate in Zim, which would concern me slightly -- but there is a British one.

Thank you. They are in Harare so not in the sticks. Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I hadn’t thought about potentially using a credit card if it really came down to it.

Omg you’re stressing this much about Zimbabwe? You do realise that’s a popular destination for people with young families right? You can’t compare local healthcare with the care tourists get - over there the best facilities are expensive. All you do is get the best travel insurance you can get, ensure medical evacuations are covered, and you’re fine. My Uncle had two heart attacks there, both times he was taken to a random local hospital where they stabilised him. The first time he was flown to South Africa, but the second time he had his bypass in Harare. He’s still alive and kicking (unfortunately).

I have family and friends in Zimbabwe and have visited many times in my life, including to visit my grandparents as a child. Unless you’re missing a lot of information with one of your children having complex medical issue requiring specialist hospital care during your visit, then the benefits of visiting their family and Dad’s country will far outweigh any risks.

Thank you. Maybe my husband and his friend were exaggerating when discussing it the other day. He has lost 3 brothers, one of which we still don’t know his cause of death (he was in his 30’s) but I will look into the travel insurance and what it means if anyone was to fall ill.

The red flag issues are related to the political situation though. OP is concerned about healthcare should they fall ill.

Which she shouldn't worry about as long as she has decent travel insurance.

Visas are expensive as are flights and everything takes a long time to arrange. So of course they will want to stay for months. Also, I presume as you’ve never bothered to go their visits are the only time they get to spend time with their son and grandkids.

Why did you marry a Zimbabwean if you can’t handle the cultural differences? He has sacrificed his family for you, surely you could return the favour once every few years by hosting his family.