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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bins going out - WIBU to bin exH's irreplaceable belongings?

58 replies

BlowDryRat · 19/07/2023 19:33

ExH and I have been separated/divorced for nearly 10 years. I bought him out of the house as part of the divorce process a year after we separated. He was invited to collect his belongings still at the house but didn't bother.

This included a whole heap of bags and boxes full of crap in the loft. In the last few years, I've been chucking a box every time I go up there and have made a lot of progress. I give them a quick check but don't go through everything. Last time I brought a box down, I saw it was full of his journals and photos from when he went travelling for a couple of years. These are all handwritten/old-school prints so irreplaceable. I chucked the lot in the bin.

The bins are being collected tomorrow and I'm having second thoughts. He was an absolute bastard to me both during and since our marriage and I don't feel like I owe him anything. OTOH, they're personal and irreplaceable. OTOOH, if he cared about them that much then he could have collected them any time in the last 10 years.

YABU - fish the box out of the bin tonight and hand it over next time he shows up to see the DC.

YANBU - don't bother.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 19/07/2023 19:35

If they were that precious to him they wouldn't have been in the loft all these years. He's probably forgotten about them. I'd bin them

Qbish · 19/07/2023 19:35

Do what makes you feel most comfortable.

It wouldn't make much difference to give him a last change to pick them up, would it? And I think you would feel better.

Sigmama · 19/07/2023 19:35

Send them to him

Babsexxx · 19/07/2023 19:35

yanbu ten fricking years?! Na he’s had long enough I would of done a campfire in under 10 days! Lol

Happysunshineyellow · 19/07/2023 19:36

I would only keep it if you have kids as it might be valuable to them at some point. Otherwise he's had 10 years and youve given him a chance, I'd chuck.

There is a thing about having to give warning in writing but after 10 years, if he did ever come after, I'd just say there was a leak and be done with it.

adriftabroad · 19/07/2023 19:37

It would be horrible to do this without warning him, in writing.

RunningFromInsanity · 19/07/2023 19:37

There’s probably lots of sentimental things in my loft that I have forgotten about but would be delighted to see.
It literally will cost you nothing to give it to him next time.

Wheezycheezeball · 19/07/2023 19:38

Can you not give a final ultimatum? Pick up tonight or they go out to binmen tomorrow?

10 years is a long time to leave them but doesn’t sound like you were massively proactive in ensuring he came and got them or else. This is your or else moment

FiddleLeaf · 19/07/2023 19:38

Bin them. You’re not a storage facility & it’s been 10 years.

Kaibashira · 19/07/2023 19:39

I voted YABU because of the way you set up the vote, but you're not, really.
What you are being is the bigger person.
I'd say give him one (more) chance: "do you want these, let me know by [reasonable date]"? Then chuck.
This removes any lingering guilt and leaves him nowhere to stand if he complains about it later.

TheMagicDeckchair · 19/07/2023 19:39

If you wanted to be really kind and have a totally clear conscience, you could fish them out and send him a message asking to collect before (next bin day) or otherwise they’ll be disposed of.

You would not be unreasonable to just bin the lot however after 10 years and no effort on his part to retrieve them.

EvilElsa · 19/07/2023 19:39

I'd love to bin them but I'd probably leave them on the doorstep for him next time he arrives for DC. If he doesn't take them that's on him. You are not a storage facility.

GoodChat · 19/07/2023 19:41

If he sees the DC I would give them to him

LimeCheesecake · 19/07/2023 19:42

while I can see the hard line of “he’s had 10 years” - in this case, I think I’d take it out of the bin and hand it to him when he comes to visit next time. Say “was clearing the loft and throwing things and realised these are yours, do you want to take them and check if it’s stuff you want to keep or throw out?“ say you’ve filled the space the box was in so can’t put it back in your loft, be clear he takes it there and then or you put it out with the bins.

this isn’t something he can buy again and your dcs might enjoy going through old photos with him.

Original poster
BlowDryRat · 19/07/2023 19:43

Sigmama · 19/07/2023 19:35

Send them to him

Ha! They weigh a tonne. No chance.

The ultimatum was given when I bought the house. I told him that if he wanted to collect the remainder of his belongings from the house, he could. Otherwise everything would be taken to the tip when the sale was finalised. He didn't bother and I bought the house and chattels (everything in it). It's now all mine, so I'm not worried about legal anything. I just haven't been very proactive about sorting out the loft cos it's a PITA to access.

OP posts:
gogomoto · 19/07/2023 19:43

Give him the option to collect / send a van. 2 weeks max

Sigmama · 19/07/2023 19:44

In that case bin them

Original poster
BlowDryRat · 19/07/2023 19:44

GoodChat · 19/07/2023 19:41

If he sees the DC I would give them to him

He sees the children when it suits him and when he doesn't have anything better to do.

OP posts:
DemonicCaveMaggot · 19/07/2023 19:45

After my mother died I found she had kept diaries for years and years. Some date back to the 50's and 60's. It is interesting to read what it was like to live back then. I found old photos of relatives too.

Is it anything like that which your DC could find interesting in a few years? I would give them to the DC to pass on to him.

He sounds like a jerk, but he is still part of their family history.

ThinWomansBrain · 19/07/2023 19:46

my initial reaction was ten years - chuck them, but reading a pp comment, agree that they may be of interest to your children when they're older.
Put them back in the loft for DC.

Greydogs123 · 19/07/2023 19:47

I wouldn’t just bin them. Next time he collects the kids, hand o er the box and say ‘I found this box of personal stuff, you need to take it now’. That way you’ll have a clear conscience. Yes, he should have collected before now and if it wasn’t so personal and irreplaceable I would bin in your shoes.

uhtredbebbanburg · 19/07/2023 19:47

I can see the temptation to bin but you will feel better about yourself to give him one more time limited chance to pick them up.

TerfTalking · 19/07/2023 19:49

Much as I would hate him, for the children’s sake I would give him a onetime only opportunity to collect them within 7 days with the wording reminding him they’ve been here for TEN years. Put them out next week instead.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 19/07/2023 19:49

Send him an invoice for a decade of storage.

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 19/07/2023 19:51

He probably thinks that you binned them years ago (because you told him that you would). He sounds like the kind of ex you'd avoid contact with whenever you could, so I think I would leave it all in the bin.

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