AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

I don’t like the term either. I do like that we have some kind of term for the concept of all the household task management and decision making and being in charge of everything (taking care of things) that almost always falls to the woman, the wife, the mom (mum).

But I’d like a better name for it. Admin is better but not descriptive enough. Mental load sounds like bathroom humor. So no, it is yucky sounding to me.

I agree it's life. It's a shock when you have kids and babies are high maintenance, but each year little humans get bigger and easier. I remember the health visitor saying your kids won't remember how tidy your kitchen is, they will remember mum and dad happily playing with them so relax. I think I was a bit of a slacker.

Sorry I got your post backwards.

I completely agree with you x

Arguably, being single makes the mental load more bearable OP. If you had to remember and buy cards/presents for a DP’s family members every time there was a birthday, or risk them getting upset because there’s no chance he’d remember, replace his clothes and underwear when they got worn, tax his car, replace all the toiletries twice as often, remembering which brand of everything he uses, and then remember when he needed the dentist, the hairdresser etc as well as yourself and the kids, then you’d be a bit more pissed off about it. Nobody’s denying that the stuff needs to be done, nor are they moaning about that fact. They are pointing out that if you live with someone who sails through their life without these tasks and overburdens you with them instead, then you are being exploited and it is miserable.
No, people shouldn’t marry these people, but sometimes mental load isn’t what they’re thinking about as they walk merrily down the aisle, and they find out later.

As a single parent I am always carrying the mental load. I'd love to share it but I don't have anyone to share it with beyond a child who wouldn't be capable of it and it would be an inappropriate pressure for a child and I definitely feel in the absence of another person in my household that I carry it all and it's often exhausting

It's not to be stopped doing. It's necessary. I have nobody to pick it up if I step back so it would result in neglect. It's exhausting but it's worth it.

But when I was previously in a relationship, I still didn't have anyone I could actually share the mental load with. I had someone but not someone who was capable- some people of certain biology aren't as socially prepared as others to handle the mental load. Some people find multitasking much more difficult than others. A lot of women don't have someone to share management of a household with - single or not

Nobody’s denying that the stuff needs to be done,

I'm denying that stuff needs to be done.

I don't think my ex didn't want or intend to share it, or even try... they did. They just found it much harder and are slower to pick it up

Well aren't you just delightful? I'd just LOVE to have you as a friend, so supportive and encouraging... not.

Is it so difficult to understand that people have different strengths and skills? Some are super organised without even trying, and others can struggle to organise their way out of a paper bag. Or that some children are easier to raise than others, or that some people have more complicated lives, with extended family commitments, demanding jobs, their own or other's physical or mental illnesses.

No, no, we're just whinging, lazy people..... because if YOU with your one child with no particular additional needs can manage it just fine then everyone else is clearly just incompetent.

I mean I'm organised just fine, with 2 brilliant boys who I have taught to keep a track of their schedules by updating in the family calendar, I loathe online shopping so go in person, I have a mother with chronic illness who I help care for, I have a sister who I've helped gain employment and supported through mental health issues, I have a self centred, self pitying ex who I do my best to protect my boys from, I have a demanding job that I occasionally struggle with, oh yes and I have ADHD too.

But that's because I've been blessed with some strong fucking resilience and I also have the empathy and compassion to recognise that I have been blessed with this and that not everyone else has. Qualities that you seem to be severely lacking.

Oh, how I agree with you OP! It was quite a new term for me also. Surely it’s just getting on with things as they need doing? I brought up a big family, and worked full time. If I had spent time thinking about what needed to be done, instead of just doing it, the ‘load’ would have been greater. My DH was a brilliant husband and father, but his skill set would not have included remembering birthdays/sports kits/appointments etc. But, he could fix the washing machine, unblock the loo, put new brake pads on the car and mop up vomit without breaking into a sweat.
Family life is hectic for everyone, and I don’t think it’s unusual for one partner to be better at a particular aspect - it doesn’t always work to share the organisation. I did it, so I knew it was done.

I don't think it is just thinking about things that need doing and therefore taking longer to get them done

It's impossible to do some organising and managing of a household and family without thinking... it's not just kids need to go from a to b so getting them from a to b needs doing but we sit round wondering how we get them from a to b to stress ourselves out for example and procrastinate

It's that we need to do more than get them from a to b ... we need to do that before we do this but after we do that and we need to prepare and take x y and z with us and we also need to manage behaviour plus manage our own internal thoughts and emotions and sometimes it's been a shit day, cats puked, you have a banging headache, you have mini people making extra demands, and maybe someone was rude to you unnecessarily in a shop or a friend offloading a concerning issue to you that you now feel some responsibility for doing something about and you still have to get the kids from a to b whilst you're emotionally figuring yourself out in the small spaces you have any time whatsoever to actually think

That's a mental load

It's the cumulative effect, not any one thing or any three things that on the surface are trivial and easy to achieve. Mental load, like the term "doing the heavy lifting" relates to the relentless nature of juggling numerous things, the demand it places on a person, the fact the other partner just waltzes around scott-free, totally oblivious to all the life admin that gets done for them, that need to be done on time so things like household / car insurance, social events, etc etc all get done on time and in the right order.

it isn't that difficult to comprehend surely. I'd say mental load is actually a very apt description.

Do you ever wonder why you are single? Even if through choice ? Or more exactly why you don't live with the father of your child ?

The “I just did it” is the trap that explains why so many women are with husbands and partners who don’t share the mental load, though. So often the man conveniently doesn’t have the organisational skill set (he does, though) so the woman “just does it”. It’s true that some people are better at some stuff and some worse, and it works to split tasks to strengths – but very often the tasks are split so the woman does the relentless daily grind (birthdays, sports kits, appointments, meals, shopping, cleaning, tidying) that can’t be put off or done at leisure, and the man does IT/cars/whatever that’s less day to day and not on a ticking clock.

Good for you if you were happy just doing it so you knew it was done, but it’s OK for women to be unhappy that their partners become so unreliable after they both become parents – women don’t marry idiots, they drift into set-ups where they look up one day and think “why the fuck is he asking me what’s for dinner or if we have any milk?” And I’m not someone who’d do unnecessary life shite like send holiday cards or take on buying presents for his family not mine, but there’s still a lot to think about that he breezes past, which we’re working on.

Yes, it is, a heavy mental load. from doing the forms for clubs and activities or payments to making birthdays, school, social life and other life happen - to reading tens of messages from school - it is a lot.
Every little thing x 30 times a day x 1 person (usually a woman) doing it means very little time left and it is high pressure always to be managing.
May be your life isn't very busy or you don't work or you don't mind being a slave but for most women they are the ones making stuff happen, on top of everything to excess and they are right to complain. While he is carefree and unaware how much work goes into making stuff happen.

I don't see the logic that simply having a word for something is the same as 'identifying as a victim'.

Words and terminology are helpful for communication.

There are many situations where (usually) women need to express that (usually) men are not helping with certain aspects of running a household. In order to do that, you need to be able to communicate. The term 'mental load' is a helpful label for the planning and organisational aspects of running a household, and it is helpful for women to be able to express that this is a task in itself, something that some men don't understand.

Attitudes like yours are just another example of women kicking themselves down and stepping backwards.

Having more language to express yourself is never a bad thing. The phrase exists whether you like it or not so if you don't like it, the answer is don't use it.

OP there are a few questions positioned to you that you don't answer, and instead rather lay into women here.

You're last few posts demonstrate what a misogynist you are. You have blamed women for men's incompetence. Blamed women for marrying useless men. Blamed women for not pushing back enough. Blamed women for choosing to stay in unequal relationships.

Everything in your view is the woman's fault for not doing better.

Yet you still fail to witness that you're left with the same shit because the father of your child isn't involved in the upbringing of your child.. And that will be a detriment to you, as a woman. And in doing so your son is witnessing the woman's work that you do. And he's learning this is what women do.

Open your fucking eyes. You are upholding patriarchy. You are part of it.

"Mental Load" isn't that called life?

there are lazy people and there are professional martyrs but get sick of this "women are saints who do it all and men are useless and its all societies fault" if you have a lazy/useless partner of any sex you have a partner problem it is no one else's fault

I have a fantastic partner who shares equally in the mental load. The fact that I can see how much the mental load is and how utterly dispiriting and exhausting it must be to do it alone makes me even more appreciative. As he is of me.

I'm neither lazy nor a professional martyr and I find the term very useful.

It’s not life if only one person iN a 2 person relationship person is doing it though is it?

for the eleventy billionth time if only one person in a relationship is thinking “right DS has got PE tomorrow and then cubs in the evening and DD has got her friend coming round after school. Ok is DS PE kit clean and his cub uniform? Have I got something to give DD & friend for tea tomorrow. Oh Bugger I didn’t have time to clean up properly yesterday, right I’ll definitely need to hoover & have we got any milk? Oh and i musnt forget I need to finish that report for the meeting tomorrow & iron my dress”

while the other one is thinking “I must finish that report before tomorrow” and is oblivious to all the rest

then only one person is carrying the mental load

Strange, most of the time it’s men that deny the ‘mental load’. It takes a certain type of woman to also deny it, usually those who think it makes them special to bring other women down. The young ‘uns call them Pick Mes - a woman who will happily throw themselves into patriarchy ideals to make themselves seem so much better than ‘other girls’. Your posts reek of that unfortunately, op.

The mental load on a woman in a family unit is absolutely a thing. It’s utterly exhausting, it’s not simply the new type of chaos that comes with having children, it’s realising nothing would be done if the woman wasn’t there. It’s realising you’re not just looking after the children but also a fully grown man who is somehow perfectly competent at going to work and getting on with his job, but incapable of anything outside that environment. That can’t even go to the shop without calling or texting 20 times to ask which items you need, or remember when his children’s parents evening is, has to be reminded that his parents need Christmas presents only to end up doing it yourself, has never bought a school uniform or arranged a family trip, or pack a bag for said trip without asking a million inane questions….

The mental load is a million little things that could be shared between two grown adults but instead is almost wholly delegated to one (the woman) who ends up having to think for two/three/four etc people using the energy and thinking power of one. If you don’t recognise how draining that is, how it’s lead to millions of deeply unhappy women who end up resenting men, resenting being called a ‘nag’ when it’s their deliberate incompetence that causes so many issues, resent being used as maids and mothers instead of equal human beings, then simply - you are the problem.

As others have already pointed out, your response is a perfect summary of the nonsense that women are trying to address when they talk about ‘mental load’. There is absolutely no reason why your husband couldn’t have shared in the management of your household. I am sure he functioned perfectly well at work, but society (and no doubt his upbringing) persuaded him and you that for some unknown reason, when he walked through the door all his organisational skills magically disappeared. Great that he could contribute once every few months/years when a washing machine broke or vomit needed cleaning up, but what was he doing at home every evening/weekend while you did everything else? You say you did it so you knew it was done, but that’s it in a nutshell. Why on earth was it only your responsibility to ‘know it was done’. Women waking up to the fact that they do two full time jobs while their husbands do one, don’t deserve your scorn, just because you didn’t wake up to it yourself. If you have children I think you should reflect on this properly so that your sons don’t impose this on their wives and your daughters don’t take it on for their husbands. Progress is a good thing.

Sorry that was in response to @Ireallycantthinkofagoodone

it isn't that difficult to comprehend surely. I'd say mental load is actually a very apt description.

It's such a simple concept. Problem is, there is no real mental load when it's just one person, or a one person with a child. So when people are in such situations, they think it doesn't exist.

And they aren't being dickheads (despite the smug and brash way they may post) they genuinely think it doesn't exist, because inherently there is no mental load for just yourself (and barely any when plus one DC).

They just think they've got the same problem, yet sail through it, they lack of comprehension is that they don't get it's not the same thing at all.

Speaking as a single parent of one, who couldn't work out why I was so fabulously competent, compared to these seemingly whiny other mums...to a now married mother of 3, and can't believe what a smug, clueless dickhead I was. I just had no idea because I hadn't experienced it. Just thought "I'm a mum, you're a mum, same thing". No no no.

With mental load or whatever people want to call doing jobs around the place it could be said by whose standards? some people buy presents for everyone they know no matter how little they see people, clean floors 3 times a day, dust every single speck of dust, think kids have to 20 activities a week and need to be constantly busy

others are the opposite, some important things have to be done who decides what has to happen versus what is nice to happen?

You remind me of my mum who thinks mother's nowadays just complain a lot. Maybe we do. My mum was a sahm and she did almost all the planning, running of a household and was happy with that arrangement. She had the belief that men were not as good at women at some things and 'we' had to take over.

I am a working mum and do not want to be the one always responsible for doing all the thinking,planning, organising. I have this idea of my dh being a capable adult, that I am not his mother and that he is and should be an equal parent. Early on in our marriage I would prompt him to get presents for family members birthdays as he is a so last minute type person. He said I was nagging, I thought he was being inconsiderate. I backed off and left him to it. A few times he did let his mum down and when she expressed disappointment I told her that he couldn't get himself organised in time. He then got his arse in gear, he always could but if someone else was willing to do the work he would let them. I am not here to prop him up as a person or parent. He does his fair share because I won't accept any less.

The mental load is real. It's often considered 'women's work' and for that historically it has had no worth and women haven't received any recognition for it. Now more women work, its even harder to juggle everything. It isn't wrong to expect the load to be shared.