To think teens have too much power?

[Peverellshire]

And teens having too much power is a contributing factor to poor mental health & unhappiness?

Sulky teen refusing to come out of room on family hols & refusing to have dinner with family etc as boring, missing boyfriend, etc..Should we cut them slack? It can sour whole exp with younger sibs etc, as ab atmosphere.

Minor example but obvs more major ones. Mental health dips which coincide with things they don’t want to do & inc calling all shots? Not to minimise genuine mental health issues.

Yes perhaps they do have power over their parents but that's because we cannot control them like they are very small children and yet we are expecting them to live within the family unit as non autonomous people. Its a clash.

My father went for the 'Robert Maxwell' style of family dinners. It was hideous. I couldn't wait to leave home and do things my own way. I grew up in the 70s when sitting round the table for every meal was what everyone did. We were expected to hold a conversation, hold a knife and fork properly, sit up straight. Some softening of that horror is no bad thing and the teenage years don't last forever ( although they are long and hard).

Well, yes of course, but in the vast majority of cases, I would say that something has gone horribly wrong with the parent-child relationship at an earlier stage if it gets to this point. Happy, securely attached children don't generally just suddenly start beating up their mothers out of nowhere.

Of course, some kids have personality disorders etc, but most do not. And if you model respect and consideration for others, then that is what the vast majority of kids will learn to show in response.

I have worked with hundreds of teens over the years, including some deeply traumatised ones. There have been very few who don't respond to basic respect and a reasonable approach.

My situation is different as DD is autistic. She has massive issues around food and people eating. We manage to eat out together sometimes and that’s a triumph.

Im another one who spent lots of time on my own as I needed downtime, I still do. I’m quite creatively driven and will happily do this all day/night. It keeps me balanced. All the people who had strict home lives were up to all sort of shit outside of the home.

DH complains we don’t bring up DD the same as he was. Which was basically being dragged about everywhere his parents went and having a shit time. Eating everything he was given without question. No talking back, sitting in silence listening to others no question. He believes it’s given him some magically grounding in life. Strangely he doesn’t do any of the things he was dragged to and eats none of the foods he was forced to eat (but thinks I should give them to DD). He says it made him behave but has no explanation why his brother was extremely badly behaved as a teen under the same circumstances.

I'm surprised at this - unless you mean primary?

If my DC skipped a lesson, they would be lucky to only get a detention, the actual punishment is a day in internal exclusion.

I agree. I grew up in the 80’s 90’s and even back then kids were seen and not heard (to a certain extent) our parents were happier because they didn’t have to pander to us. Parents didn’t have to feel guilty and have social services called if we had holes in our clothes, we expected a lot less both materialistically and psychologically.
I think life was a lot more black and white and now it’s a confusion of feelings , emotions and labels.

*is not was

I try to go with the natural consequences approach.
If they don’t come down for dinner then they risk cold food and having no choice as everyone else picked first.
If they are rude or stroppy (and it’s not because they are worried or similar) I stop the conversation.
If they don’t come back at the agreed time or at least message me with a reasonable explanation then they will have to be back earlier next time. (This doesn’t apply to DS1 anymore as he is over 18).
We were on holiday somewhere with a buffet breakfast recently and we didn’t tell them they had to come with us but we said if they missed bf it was their problem- they made it every day
Luckily the Wi-Fi was better by the pool so we got them out of the rooms without a problem 🤣🤣. Once they were by the pool they invariably went for a swim.

We are fairly strict parents but I do believe in picking my battles. Give them some autonomy and expect them to cock up but treat it as a learning opportunity. I also don’t comment on their moods. If they were being stroppy and I walk away. When they start being civil I treat it as a reset and don’t mention how they were before. They know that they were being stroppy and don’t need to be reminded.

Its a bit much to generalise to all teens from your own experience. Everyone is different.

I hope DDs are more confident, bolshy, obstreperous and assertive than I was when I was younger as well as well-rounded young people, and accept that sometimes they cross a line practising this on me at home. It's a balance between toeing the line when you have to and having the autonomy and power to stand up for yourself when you go out into the world.

My parents were good parents in most ways, but if anything they taught me to be too nice and agreeable, keep my head down, not question things enough (well, my Mum particularly, my Dad could be quite stubborn and uncompromising) and I have spent all my adulthood undoing this as in the real world it doesn't work in many situations.

I’d also say that both DH and his brother had a poor relationship with this parents as adults. Because they were expected just to submit and accept their relationships never moved on. The boundaries never changed.
I had trouble with MIL because I wouldn’t just ‘do as I was told’ constantly, even in my 40s.

Yes, I think a lot of parents (from reading threads here) have trouble accepting their offspring moving towards or being autonomous adults.

I think it's sort of the reverse. They don't have enough power and freedom when they're younger to learn to navigate the great wide world and build resilience.

I do think a lot of kids these days are spoilt though. In a well meaning attempt to give them good boundaries, bodily autonomy and understanding of their emotions, it's easy to slip into them thinking their emotions and needs are at the centre of everything rather than appreciating the five and take of family life.

Some of the posts I read on here leave me extremely surprised as to what some people feel they need to tolerate from their teens.
So tired of seeing 'undeveloped brains' being used to excuse disrespect, entitlement and anti social behaviour, with parents allowing themselves to be treated in ways that would be considered exploitative, even abusive, in any other relationship...cos...brains...
I have three adult DC, youngest 20s, so not too long out of the game, and our relationship was built on mutual respect. So if I was to respect their rights and boundaries and treat them with courtesy, I would expect no less. Which may at times involve any one of us putting another first, as appropriate to the situation. Didn't need to be about power, just basic interpersonal skills. Surprisingly their brains had the capacity to process this rather straightforward principle.

I think for many of us the issue is that by not wanting to make the mistakes my DPs did - too strict, not allowing me to make my own choices when appropriate, little emotional support - I've probably swung too far in the other direction.
It's hard to parent perfectly and its fine to say that sometimes.

I would always point out to my child if they were being rude/unkind towards me. Nothing to do with "power." Then afterwards you can say "What is this about? Is everything OK etc.." and they might open up to you.

I agree with this. I've always been aware that I was a bit old for my age in terms of emotional maturity as a teenager, but I think the amount people will excuse on here takes it too far.

Your teen has no power at all.

You, the parents, hold all the power. Step up ! She is desperate for you to set her some boundaries, save her from herself.

Agree with this. Neither me nor my siblings would ever DREAM of just ignoring parents and opting out of meals, it's just the way we were raised and there were expectations for behaviour even if they weren't always stated explicitly.

All of us are normal functional adults with healthy relationships with our parents.

Sometimes I read posts on here where the attitude is that having any kind of expectation from your child is akin to abuse and controlling behaviour.

There is a happy middle ground

I think you're conflating mental illness with mental health. Not everyone has a mental illness. Everyone has mental health, which peaks and dips depending on circumstances, and yes is also affected by things like social media and lack of boundaries for eg.

To talk about anxiety isn't to diagnose with an anxiety disorder. Being anxious is a part of overall mental health.

So schizophrenia, depression,bipolar, eating disorders, self harm etc. is to do with people not getting their own way then?

Those are mental illnesses, mental health is not the same thing, HTH

Brilliant post

I agree with this. It’s not just social media. I think more and more teens and young adult are becoming home-bound because the internet has become a social crutch and the main hub of entertainment, and as much as people love to argue otherwise, virtual interactions are a poor substitute for real life ones.

I work with many young 20 somethings who now WFH and who completed Uni under the virtual learning program, and many simply do not leave the house. Ever.

People talk about all the WFH benefits but a major downside many neglect is that for many people who are single and live alone, the office, like school, is a social hub for them. Instead, after office hours, my colleagues now hang around on Discord playing video games, order something from Uber Eats, play more video games or watch a movie on Netflix. Rinse and repeat.

You can talk about volunteering, joining local clubs and hobby groups etc but from observation, there’s no point when the internet can offer you everything and more.

People talk about all the WFH benefits but a major downside many neglect is that for many people who are single and live alone, the office, like school, is a social hub for them. Instead, after office hours, my colleagues now hang around on Discord playing video games, order something from Uber Eats, play more video games or watch a movie on Netflix. Rinse and repeat.

I don't think it's just single people affected though. Surely it's healthy to have more people to socialise with than just your partner and kids.

Our teen went through a mental health dip, but was quick to take advantage of the leeway we were giving her. I think mental health AND teenagers being sneaky can both be true and it is hard to walk the line between them.

I read something that helped and one of the messages were that teens love a boundary to be annoyed at, it lets them feel rebellious which teens absolutely need to be healthy. If you don't set up small boundaries then they will push until they find where your boundaries are. I think on holiday I would compromise that teen has to eat with us and take part in one activity together a day AND most importantly not be rude while doing so. But they will be missing their friends and feel embarrassed to be spending every minute with parents- so I'd make an effort to show that we know they are mature and can choose what they do with the rest of the time.