To think teens have too much power?

[Peverellshire]

And teens having too much power is a contributing factor to poor mental health & unhappiness?

Sulky teen refusing to come out of room on family hols & refusing to have dinner with family etc as boring, missing boyfriend, etc..Should we cut them slack? It can sour whole exp with younger sibs etc, as ab atmosphere.

Minor example but obvs more major ones. Mental health dips which coincide with things they don’t want to do & inc calling all shots? Not to minimise genuine mental health issues.

We know that sitting in their rooms, not interacting with family or exercising is going to make them more miserable.
Humans need to socialise and move. There's a link between those things and mood.
These things became non negotiable in our house when my teen was doing the same. That dark cloud just got bigger and bigger and we would have actual rows about getting out the house and sitting with everyone for dinner.
It was also a bit of education too and realising from personal experience how they felt better when they did get out and move.

@FrivolousTreeDuck Hmm. I was a teenager in the 1980s - didn't even have a TV in my room - and I still spent hours holed up in there, reading and listening to music. I hated going on holiday with my family, too, and spent most of the time moaning about being dragged along.

Me too when I was that age. All I had was a record player and books. But we are now at the level where there are young people who never, ever come out of their rooms to go to school, FE or socialise. They never leave the house. They have a whole life in a bedroom with the internet for company. I know of a few families with young people like this.

Agreed, it is far too easy just to opt out and it is one of the main reasons why we are seeing a lack of resilience in young people. It this carries on to university and working life too - not wanting to do things that they find a bit a difficult or that certain things make them anxious. We sometimes need to show them that if they push through the obstacles in their own minds that they can do things and that what the thought was boring, scary etc is actually not that bad.

I have to disagrer that a lot of mental health is about not getting your own way. How ignorant. My bipolar is genetic as mum had it and wasn't helped by abusive boyfriend. It had bugger all to do with being bored on a family holiday! It was brain chemistry.

But as an ex secondary school teacher I agree that teens have too much power...therefore I left!

I don’t really know any teens like this- among my children’s contemporaries it’s the norm to join in family meals, holidays etc. I’ve also never heard of a school letting teens “do some nice colouring” rather than going to lessons

My kids would always eat with us if they’re in and mealtimes are social occasions (although of course not our only social time). I’m always surprised by the number of people on MN who seem to switch to something like a HMO once their children hit a certain age and use words like “controlling” to describe basic social norms.

Disagree*

I thought the teens in room thing was more to do with the age appropriate breaking away from the family so they can spread their wings and become their own person. In teenage years most of their socialising is with friends rather than with mum, dad and auntie Jill. My teen loves her own room but does come out for hugs and food!

I think where they have the power is at school. There is no proper dicipline as management won't enforce it.

Agree. Parents seem to think they’re indistinguishable from every other adult if their kid’s life, that if they do something ‘then it shows it’s okay for them/their teacher/their future spouse to do as well’. It’s utterly tiring

In this house, teens don't have too much power.

I'm bringing them up the same way my parents brought us up.

If they don't want to do something that I know is beneficial for them, there is limited discussion and then they have to do it.

If they thought they'd be going on holiday with us and then sat there all sullen on their phone, it'd be taken off them and not given back until end of holiday.

Permissive parenting is codswallop.

Yep!

Depends on the school.

DD16s school was like an extension of our house and the head took no messing.

And if parents/kids didn't like it, it was tough luck. He had very much a "if you don't like it, there's the door" policy.

This

100%. They’ll thank you for it one day. And what’s the bets that when they can’t stare moodily at their phone the entire holiday their mental health (mood) improves as they have no choice but to join in a little and take their mind off things?

If only this were true. Minimising mental health conditions has been done forever, it makes people feel safer, but it is false.

The reality is our society is increasingly toxic for young people, in myriad ways, and they are struggling.

Climate change, generational political divide, cost burden of housing and tertiary education, pressure over appearance, lack of good jobs, declining fertility, increasing family poverty... These things are real and impactful.

Adults could do to look at what is offered to young people by our society.

Mine have been fortunate with their own MH but we are definitely not raising our children in a golden era.

I think so. My mum is Jamaican and I will say sometimes Jamaican culture is too far the other way, but when I read the levels of disrespect some people on this site take from their teens it's like a parallel universe sometimes.

Sharing mealtimes is IMO important for so many other reasons than just the needing to engage. It absolutely is important that children step away from social media, it is damaging to humanity and TBH I think that a generation from now there will be evidence of the damage it has caused.

But it’s also important because it creates a unity in the house. So if a parent cooks dinner and the teen decides they want to eat it in their bedroom what message does that send? I am not your staff. If you want dinner then you eat it in the kitchen with everyone else. Not negotiable. If you don’t want dinner then fine, but if you think I’m going to fund your takeaway habit while you treat the house like a doss house you can grow up and get a job to afford your habits.

I'd also try and influence how my kids feel about relationships, sulking in ones room because they miss someone so much is not a healthy relationship and a bit pathetic, no boy/girl is worth that

So schizophrenia, depression,bipolar, eating disorders, self harm etc. is to do with people not getting their own way then? Er ...right.
No...that is called sulking and that is not a mental heath issue.
I thought people were more understanding of mh issues nowadays? Clearly not the older generation.

I agree. We are living in a me me society where if you don’t want to do something you can opt out and we don’t want to feel sad and we are minimising natural feelings,

One of my children does have poor mental health but opting out of family life isn’t an option. Having boundaries, structure and expectations is important in helping them. This includes eating with family at the table, coming out with us at time and joining us on holiday and playing a part in family life. There’s flex of needs be but having that structure is a really important part of them growing up and understanding the world isn’t just about them

100% this

My friends, who parent like you do, have seemingly, happiest well adjusted, young adult kids. Your view won’t be popular.

I am told they will be seething inside though, but this is how I was raised & I love & respect my parents. I am much more liberal as a parent & have gone the other way.

I think we’ll see your style come back into vogue & have long suspected my own kids will not allow too much tech, etc. When was the last time you saw a teen glued to a physical book?

I totally agree.

I read so many threads on here where the majority of parents believe teens should have the same rights and voice as adults, but have to take zero responsibility.

Teens should have a voice but also live within the house rules of their parents and the school rules of their school.

Teens should admire and imitate adult role models. We seem to be going through a phase of adults wanting to be teens.

I think the lack of boundaries has definitely contributed to the teen MH crisis.

I agree that no boy/girl is worth that but my god that first teenage love was so powerful that I can see why it would influence their entire mood.

I don't think it's so much that teenagers are on some sort of power trip, I think it is all hormones. For a few years they aren't completely rational or understandable but I think that's fine and it's something to ride out. I have been lucky with my two as they have been very easy going throughout, but I was a hormonal teenage mess so I can still relate.

Can I ask why you went the other way and didn't do it how your parents did?

I just know I was generally a happy teen and when I looked at my friends with chilled out/less strict parents, they all seemed to have issues and problems.

I literally had no problems at all and put it down to their parenting (even when I was about 16)

So as an adult, I just thought "they must've been onto something" so tried to replicate it with my own kids.