To think teens have too much power?

[Peverellshire]

And teens having too much power is a contributing factor to poor mental health & unhappiness?

Sulky teen refusing to come out of room on family hols & refusing to have dinner with family etc as boring, missing boyfriend, etc..Should we cut them slack? It can sour whole exp with younger sibs etc, as ab atmosphere.

Minor example but obvs more major ones. Mental health dips which coincide with things they don’t want to do & inc calling all shots? Not to minimise genuine mental health issues.

Interesting. This is not what I have observed at all.

In my experience, the kids with the most controlling parents just lie a lot and do things behind their parents' backs. They also don't talk to their parents about stuff.

Each to their own, of course. All parents and all kids are different. But for us, mutual respect and reasonable negotiation were the key.

Why have you taken the worst possible interpretation of what's been written when you have said essentially the same thing?

No...that is called sulking and that is not a mental heath issue.

You agree with the poster you are objecting to. The problem is that so many things are labelled as mental health issues when they are just normal human emotions.

Nice touch of ageism at the end.

I don't think the OP means that there's no such thing as poor mental health in teens but that teens sometimes conflate poor mental health with more fleeting negative feelings and it's hard as parents to know where to set boundaries when they do this, but a lack of boundaries isn't good for overall good mental health.

Tbh I don't just think it's teens. I manage a team, a lot of whom are older than me, and a lot of y them seem to have a similar lack of resilience. I don't think I've ever expected my life to be entirely stress or conflict free, or work to be a grand passion. I don't think I have a negative outlook on life - overall I enjoy my job and family life and I have lots of highlights in my calendar, but some bits are just the rough that goes along with the smooth.

IME teens have the power you give them.

Thank god someone on here has some common sense!

I’m on my third teenage child, the oldest are adults. I think we give too much airtime to the narrative of ‘sulky’ teen. Some, like all people, go through more than others- have it harder. I don’t think it’s a default position.
My teen and his friends are pleasant, rarely an issue. Polite to me when they come round. They’ll eat you out of house and home, but be polite.
Im going away with just my teen soon, plus we do day trips. We have a few shared interests and he’s happy. I like time we have together. We have the odd short blow up, but that’s human.
I think part of the problem is the UK narrative on teenagers. We need to stop the language of moody teens and making the role so easy to slip into when feeling lost. We need to provide social opportunities better, not send them out to streets bored. There’s nothing for them to do.
This isn’t for everyone, I’ve never introduced gaming to my house. I don’t stop them accessing it, but equally I’m not buying it for my house. They haven’t become socially isolated from it, nor does my house seem to be a no go place. There’s often mates round. One thing they do here, I’m near the shops and the reduced sections are good, is big cook ups. Turn how bags of potatoes into chips. They talk, dunno what else. But they turn up

‘Pander’…..exactly! This is a far too under-used word these days!

The short answer is they ruled by fear, my mother was beaten for wearing slippers outside, so to be fair she’d taken it down a notch, but generally they were OTT.

I was banned from any teenage experimentation & dominated. It kept me safe in earlier teen years but in my 20s I rebelled a bit. I was left scared of own shadow & used to obsess about whether random strangers approved & liked me. I recognise both parents were good people doing their best. I am also a gentle soul.

Same with most children & teenagers….some people give then child 5he power & boy do they know it!

Yeah, I'm noticing it a lot in school these days! Of course there are genuine needs, but every other child has a 'time out' pass and can come and go as they please.

I do wonder what people mean when they say things like "don't let them" though. My dd is ND so perhaps reacts differently to some but what do you actually do when they're being rude and sulky or refusing to do as asked? We do device bans but sometimes this involves physically wrestling the thing off her, by which time it's escalated into a blazing row with a lasting impact on the atmosphere in the house which hardly helps. I don't think I lack boundaries as such but I'm at a loss as to how to actually enforce them in a way that feels comfortable.

Dd2 is a different character and I can just "not let" her do things. But she's the type that would be in bits over a rule transgression. Dd1 just doesn't work that way.

I don’t think it’s power related, rather children trying to control their environment to regulate emotions after isolating covid experiences which made it harder for children (often with underlaying anxiety or autism) to reintegrate into the community. It doesn’t help that U.K. schools are inflexible, sadly one size does not fit all.

I’ve seen that too. You’re spot on. Reasonable negotiation & a middle ground the ideal.

Young people do have too much "power".I mean in the sense that their looked upon (for some unfathomable reason) as being incapable of telling with the slightest trauma or difficulties, and must be protected at all costs from any negative or uncomfortable emotions.

This monumentally stupid idea has caused so much damage, but people just won't accept it.

Teenagers are, for the most part, educated idiots. They know all the buzz words and they know their "yuman rites", but they also know fuck all about life. If you combine an entitled, ill-informed adolescent brain with the stupidity of grown adults pandering to their every whim, you end up with a toxic mix, where the kids are running the class and the teacher is scared of upsetting them.

But we are dependent on these adolescent fuckwits to be the next generation of productive adults. But we can already see how our lack of proper parenting is affecting society. We now have university's who have to put students through remedial English and maths (it was just too traumatic for their little egos to be exposed to them in school), work places who can't recruit suitable candidates. I mean, how did we get to a point where we have to give visas to bricklayers and carpenters from overseas? The answer is that our little darlings, (validated by grown adults) were led to believe that actual work was somehow beneath them. Its a mess.

We have given children and teenagers the idea that THEY are in control, that THEY are the most important people in the room. It's fucking stupid, and will cause, is causing, untold damage to society.

Ah ok. Well that's understandable. My parents were strict but knew that occasional teenage drunkenness, wanting to go out etc were normal.

When I got absolutely plastered they were unimpressed for sure, but they weren't on and on about it forever and thinking I was some sort of delinquent.

I'm sure we're not doing a perfect job with DS17 but the key mantra I try to follow is to not sweat the small stuff, coupled with a few family habits that aren't up for debate e.g. if we are all in the house at the same time, we eat dinner at the table together. A few times DS has said he isn't hungry and wants his later, that's fine but he still needs to come and sit and contribute to the conversation.

Honestly I think a lot of it is luck, I'm utterly delighted that DS seems to be happy and enjoying school. He used his devices too much when younger but has largely grown out of it.

Surely it is about balance. If my teen was in his room, refusing to come out and do something I'd asked him to do, I would, and have, go in and take his phone. I then explain what I need him to do, and why and give him a few minutes to think about it. He then usually will go along with what he is being asked. No ruling by fear, but an expectation that sometimes we need to get out and do things when we would rather not. If he came up with a decent reason that he should be left alone I would consider it, and sometimes he will get his way.

We now have university's who have to put students through remedial English

Muphry's Law strikes again.

The hardest lesson I've had to learn over the past few years and last year in particular is that by giving DS everything financially, I'm taking away his opportunity to stand on his own two feet. DH is much better at this one - probably because he's tighter than me.

But it's a big transition from wanting your DC to have every opportunity you can give them to realising that giving them too much is depriving them of self reliance.

It’s a tricky one. I think there needs to be a balance. My kids are encouraged to politely ask for a compromise. One night not wanting to eat with family and needing some space that’s fine. But not every night. They won’t be sitting with a screen and not spending time with family every night. They would have no wifi.

A grumpy teenager making everyone miserable along with them is fine on occasion, we all have bad days. But it wouldn’t be tolerated every day.

They are ultimately in control of their lives, but if necessary that control can be taken away. No phone, no laptop, etc

Actually I think I disagree with your op. I think they don't have enough power. Let me explain. Decades and decades ago teens were leaving school at 14 and going straight into the workplace. They'd be married with their own families in their late teens/early twenties. They had far more independence. Not saying we should go back to that...but, you are wanting and I do too as I have a teen, for them to effectively live like small children within the family unit. Do what they're told and accompany us on family trips and events. We have elongated childhood as a society.... people in their twenties are living like teens. Biologically teens are wanting to break free from the family unit.

I think a lot of it rests on the overall quality of your relationship. And a lot of that rests on what happens before you even get to the teen years.

IMO, a lot also rests on the parent recognising and acknowledging that their child is gradually growing up, accepting that the child will have opinions and ideas is their own, coming to terms with the fact that they will have less and less control over time, and treating the child with genuine respect and dignity.

of their own

That’s not really power it’s responsibility. OP means power over their parents and the people around them (I think). But I agree, they need more responsibility.

Shouldn’t that work in reverse as well? The number of threads about teenagers beating up their mums and talking to them like shit is absolutely shocking. It seems like parents are so scared of their own teens they just suck up to them in the hope they’ll be liked and not battered/stolen from/screamed at.