AIBU for thinking that life shouldn’t be like this?

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I’ve recently gone back to work after 12 months off maternity leave with my second child. I work part time/compressed hours and do three long days in the office with a two-hour round-trip commute where I am out of the house for 11.5 hours a day. I work from home one day and then have a day ‘off’ with my second child, which usually I end up picking up work/emails in some capacity.

I’ve been back to work for three months and I feel utterly broken. I had hoped that I would be in some sort of routine by now, but if anything, things are getting worse. My husband is struggling to manage the school/nursery pick-ups (read into that what you will…) which is causing lots of arguments, I keep dropping the ball on the endless school/life admin, we have no money, my house is an absolute tip, work is a whole other story of awfulness, I feel like I’m never ‘present’ for my kids as I always feel like there’s something that needs doing, I have zero time for myself. I’m just utterly exhausted and miserable.

Is this just life with two kids? I’m sure there are others going through the exact same thing, and far worse. AIBU for thinking that life shouldn’t be like this?

That sounds incredibly tough, & like something has to give - and quickly, before you / your DH break. YANBU. Are you looking for advice, somewhere to vent, or both?

Yup, that sounds like life with two... We found the first year or so of working with two young kids really really hard. They're 5 and 3 now and it is getting steadily easier.

Can you do anything with your hours? Those are very long hours for you and I really don't envy your DH getting two up and out by himself three times a week.

@tortiecat thank you 💐Maybe I’m just after some validation that what I’m experiencing is hard and it’s not just me being a grumpy cow 😂I would love to work from home more to be around for school/nursery runs but it’s not possible with my current job

@JenniferBarkley I have already reduced my hours and can’t go any lower as I earn more than my husband. We are struggling with money as it. It’s such tough times for everyone 😣

On the whole I don’t think compressed hours are good for family life. Lots of women go down that route after maternity leave because they don’t want to pay full childcare but it’s the worst of both worlds. It means you have very long days which are tiring, plus your partner has to pick up the slack ( I would struggle with full time work and 2 nursery/school pick ups and drop offs) plus then your ‘day off’ is just equally intense with a toddler.
I do slightly condensed hours but only through lunch.

Can you see what’s out there with a shorter commute? A full hour each way is grim on top of condensed hours.

that sounds very tough - I was offered condensed hours but actually stuck to my 5 days of 9-5. It just works better for us, especially for building a routine. My commute though is only 2 miles, and DH similar. so we are both home by 5:30 every night and the kids are at nursery/CM just near home so able to collect on the way.

it is hard, so so hard, and I found going from 1-2 so difficult - especially when you hear others saying how easy it is. Totally empathise.

How would the finances look if you went to five normal days, would you be able to do 2 from home? Could you afford five days in nursery for youngest? I think if you were both around in the mornings and evenings that would give you both a good bit of breathing space.

Other than that, streamline everything you can. Silly things like we eat the same 7 meals pretty much every week. There's plenty of variety within that seven, but it means the weekly shop is the same every week, no "what's for dinner" thinking. Get a cleaner if you can, that's massive. Definitely have low standards. Set a wash off at bedtime on a delay that you can put out before you leave in the mornings.

What's your commute like? If either of you commute on public transport, use that time for as much life admin as you can.

(You will note however that my life is a shambles so maybe I'm not the one to take advice from )

What is it about nursery drop offs that your DH is struggling with?
What are his working hours?

The biggest thing that popped out for me was stop working on your day off!

ooo @JenniferBarkley wholeheartedly agree with the food planning - ours is as follows (kids are 7 and 3 now)

Monday - Pasta (so lasagne, meatballs, mac and cheese etc)
Tuesday - Taco Tuesday (or another variation of mexican style stuff)
Wednesday - Hello fresh 😄
Thursday - Sausage something
Friday Pizza night
Saturday - Hello Fresh again
Sunday Roast

I feel for you, I had a two hour commute after going back from maternity leave and it broke me! I wasn’t even doing particularly long hours, but no one was sleeping. My DH had to get a different job with less travel so I could quit and freelance. Can your DH get a different job to take the pressure off?
I know it’s not that easy.

I think there is a case for just gritting your teeth and getting on with it for a few years, it does get easier as they get older. Definitely helps having both in school rather than one still in nursery.

As others have said try and be as organised as possible so things like putting out school and nursery clothes the night before to make mornings a bit easier. Good luck!

Yes I think compressed hours is a difficult working pattern. I’ve been doing it since I had my DC but now we are having a second DC I will return after mat leave and do a Lyn extra day instead of compressing hours. It’s to stressful doing very long days then looking after DC the rest, there’s no time to catch up with anything and work and home life suffers. Can you do an extra day at work instead?

My husband is struggling to manage the school/nursery pick-ups (read into that what you will…)

is he worrying about this in the same way you are? are you picking up his slack (don't do that, you have your own worries)

tbh i think compressed hours aren't great in situations like yours, they suit older children, imo.

I worked long hours, and my DH was a chef in a restaurant with split shifts when my DCs were small and all through primary school. What helps: being organised to within an inch of your life, but if you drop the ball? you work out which process failed (or who didn't do their bit) and pick it all up again. Some things go by the wayside (i didn't clean my windows for years) and some things have to be done so you have to grit your teeth and do them. No matter how tired you are.

it only works if you both work as a team though.

Compressed hours plus that commute is brutal, kids or no kids. I think at least one of those factors has to change.

I don’t have much sympathy for poor DH. I am sure plenty of women, like me, manage to work full time and wrangle DC to school as single parents.

Two things:

1. Stop working on your day off. People will think you’re a total mug.
2. Ask to wfh three days a week and office one day.

I would have been frankly bitter if DH had left the house three days a week leaving me to get our two out alone. Eldest in particular can be a nightmare in the morning and having two of us here made it a thousand times easier. It's getting much better now they're bigger, but that first year back was hard.

Monday: chicken fried rice
Tuesday: chicken and pesto pasta
Wednesday: Tuna pasta bake
Thursday: Bolognese
Friday: Steak for the grown-ups, fish fingers for the kids
Saturday: Sausages or nuggets for the kids, takeaway for the grown-ups after bedtime
Sunday: Roast or eat out

Sure isn't life fierce exciting! 😂

Thank you all so much for your lovely messages - they've made me a bit teary!

My commute is an hour drive in the morning, and then back at night. I leave the house at 07:30 and usually not back until 18:45 at the earliest. By which point the kids are climbing the walls ready for bed so it's not like they are even pleased to see me 😐 so it's bath time, bed time, have some dinner and then it's time for bed myself. I know it's only three days a week and I thought it would be manageable but it's all just catching up with me.

My husband is self employed so he does have that flexibility to be able to do the school/nursery runs but ultimately it's eating into his earning capacity so his income is reduced. I also know how hard it is to get yourself and two kids ready for work, and then do the reverse for pick-up and I probably don't give him enough credit for that.

I have thought about going back to five days a week but the extra day in nursery would be too much for us. I did request two days a week WFH when I went back to work but they only allowed me to have one due to 'business needs'. I am much happier on my WFH day where I get to have breakfast and dinner with the kids and do school pick-up etc so I think that tells me all I need to know.

My hours aren't even that compressed (I've just reduced my lunch break to 30 minutes and extended my hours on my WFH day) - the company I work for have 08:30-17:30 hours, which, with my commute is what makes my days so long. In an ideal world I'd find a job closer to home or a remote opportunity but it would definitely mean a decrease in my income which I don't know if we can survive on. I've also been in my job for eight years so the thought of changing is terrifying...

Thank you all again for your kind words 💐

If there was any way you could afford two hours a week for a cleaner, day on a Friday afternoon, it would make you feel in control for the weekend. You could get them to do kitchen, bathroom/s and kids' bedrooms only if your house is big.

I feel you. I used to work like you in a 9 to 5 job, travelling and doing more hours in a day so I could have a day off etc. I had a good job and was doing well, but sometimes I'd be late for work (traffic or school run issues) and I'd have the constant guilt trip at work and then when I got home I'd feel guilty cos I wasn't focusing on family life. Its hard to juggle. During covid I was made redundant and honestly it is the best thing that ever happened. I now work in a job that fits around family life and I work from home a lot. I can do the school runs every day and I'm home to focus on cooking and cleaning etc. I've gone from a managerial role to basic admin and honestly I don't care. When school runs have finished and I don't need to be at home as often I will then look at my career but for now I'm content with my work life balance. Its hard to change jobs I know but maybe you need to consider a change that fits around life more. I know money can be an issue but money isn't everything and feeling settled can mean more. Something always comes up.

I agree. This job as it is now seems unsustainable.
Stop doing work on your days off though, that's a start. Working outside work hours is completely self inflicted stress. And if dh is doing the school run, leave him to it and don't worry about him "struggling". He just needs to get on with it and you have enough on your plate.

Those early years when you are both working are bloody hard OP. It's not just you not ding it right if that's what you're thinking - it just is tough

God, the first year or so after DC2 was bloody hard, and I've been mostly WFH. Returned after 6 months 4,days per week, full time when DC2 was about 12 months. He's 2 now and it feels like we're in a good routine and I have just that little bit more energy and headspace for exercise, DIY etc. We're no longer just surviving but starting to enjoy life again. Hang in there, do what you can to survive the next 12 months or so and it will get better eventually. It's not you, it's just very hard

I’m just shocked people all seem to think it’s a big deal for the dh to manage 2 DC on his own in the mornings?
my DH leaves for work every single day at 7.30am and I have to manage 3 DC on my own - a toddler, my son and my school-refusing autistic DD - who have three different drop offs. Then DH not home until 6.30 or 7pm at the earliest. I work 3.5 days a week so four of those mornings I’m also focused on getting myself ready for work straight after drop off.
I didn’t see it as that unusual for one parent to manage mornings alone!
anyway OP life does sound stressful and I hope you can figure out some good ways forward to make things feel less pressurised for you all as a family.

It sounds so hard. The commute sounds brutal. I don't have much to add but do keep your eyes open for new job opportunities.
I work 30 miles away so it's about 2 hours driving, often longer due to traffic, 4 days per week. I stuck it out for 10 years, 5 as a mum. Like you I was scared of change as I'd been working there for a decade and I was thinking it'd be a huge pay drop. I've finally got a decent job that's only 8 miles away, and have handed my notice in.

Keep looking.
I hope there is a workable solution in the meantime. Make everything easy for yourself in terms of meals and housework in the interim x