AIBU for thinking that life shouldn’t be like this?

[createausername123]

I’ve recently gone back to work after 12 months off maternity leave with my second child. I work part time/compressed hours and do three long days in the office with a two-hour round-trip commute where I am out of the house for 11.5 hours a day. I work from home one day and then have a day ‘off’ with my second child, which usually I end up picking up work/emails in some capacity.

I’ve been back to work for three months and I feel utterly broken. I had hoped that I would be in some sort of routine by now, but if anything, things are getting worse. My husband is struggling to manage the school/nursery pick-ups (read into that what you will…) which is causing lots of arguments, I keep dropping the ball on the endless school/life admin, we have no money, my house is an absolute tip, work is a whole other story of awfulness, I feel like I’m never ‘present’ for my kids as I always feel like there’s something that needs doing, I have zero time for myself. I’m just utterly exhausted and miserable.

Is this just life with two kids? I’m sure there are others going through the exact same thing, and far worse. AIBU for thinking that life shouldn’t be like this?

You need to be more organised - Sunday - all washing done fir week uniforms etc hung up.

Work days wake at 6am sort packed lunches bags ready for nursery/school by door so easier for husband.

7pm make a quick dinner kids in bed. Tidy bed at 10pm

I leave at 7.30am back at 7pm x 3 days it's manageable but organisation is key.

and husband needs to suck it up!

100% this - I've found going from 1 to 2 SO tough.

And yes I've fully taken on board your comments about not working on my day off. But in my line of work it's really hard not to; I remember a friend telling me that part time work was harder than full time work which I laughed off at the time but it's so true. It feels like you are constantly behind and catching up every day off you have!

I guess I'm just feeling like I'm failing at everything I'm doing - I don't feel like I'm being a good mum, a good wife, good at my job, or good to myself!

oh @createausername123 honestly - 18 months ago I was you (I started similar threads too) and tbf all I got was a hammering for having such a short commute so HOW JUST HOW can you be struggling?! (thanks MN!) so I absolutely get it.
I will say, you do find your way with what works, it just takes some time to get there.
We have 5 sets of uniform laid out ready on Sundays and 5 nursery outfits. I also make sure I have 5 days worth of breakfast for us all prepped on Sundays too. All vacuuming is done by DH, its his job. A wash load and the dishwasher is put on by me on a morning and taken out by him on an evening - these little things have eased my mental load wonderfully. I take a 30 min lunchbreak and go for a walk and listen to a podcast just to have a moment of free 'me' time. I do the online food shop on a Sunday morning with a tea while the kids watch tv, ready to click and collect on Monday after work - if any one of these things fall out of place we go to shit for a few days (it happens often) but soon get back into the habits now.

OP I totally empathise. I’m in the same position 1 year on with 2 DC under 3. I’m very career orientated but it’s taken me 3 years to admit to myself that I just need to be in a role that is “easy” for me to do, I can talk up so on paper it doesn’t look like I’ve taken a step back, and still pays well. It took me a while to find but I’m now in a role that fits that. 2019 me would be horrified I’m in this role but it’s what I need to do to keep me sane right now. I also don’t feel like Ive taken a “step back” and I am confident when both DC are in school, I’ll get back on that path easily.
i feel that both DH and I suffer when we’re both trying to balance everything. DH truly takes on half the house chores and childcare. My job gives me more mental space so I can balance more. As it’s “easy” for me and I WFH, I can do this job in 5 hours rather than 7.5 so I can also do house chores in the day. WFH is key.
You need to find a new job that works better for your family. DH could do too but in my case, even if my DH did this, it wouldn’t have helped me gain mental space

What @AlligatorPsychopath said!

It's definitely hard. There's no time in there for you, at all.

I'm finding working parent life tough (I'm a senior lawyer in a big firm) but it's just about manageable for the following reasons:

I have a 10 minute drive to work

On my day off I dont even look at my laptop when I am in sole charge of an awake child - no point stressing myself out when I cant respond without being negligent in replying and neglecting DS, people just have to wait, it's not life or death and I already give them far too much time so I'm unapologetic about this - also, give people an inch and they will take a mile

We have a fortnightly cleaner and I half-heartedly attempt TOMM when I can, and I've reduced my standards significantly

I switch off work / emails etc and DH and I have 2 nights a week together after DS goes to bed, basically eating together and watching TV with the cat

All our meals are taken from the Rukmini Iyer oven tray series

& even then I'm grumpy and tired!

@QforCucumber I'm sorry you got a hard time about your commute! I try and tell myself that anything I am feeling is valid, and a situation that is hard for one person might not necessarily be hard for someone else! But doesn't make my feelings any less real.

I used to pride myself on my organisation but it's literally all gone to shit since I've been back at work. Which I think has surprised my husband and created a lot of arguments as he is used to me being 'on it'. What I would like from him is more understanding but I suppose that works both ways and know I have been very difficult to live with recently.

@Fretfulmum I hard relate to all of this. I have worked so hard to get where I am in my job and worry that I would regret it if I was to leave. It makes me very bitter that men don't have the same problems and I want to be a good role model to my daughter, but equally I feel like I'm missing out on so much time with my family and kids. And my relationship with my husband is definitely suffering as a result and breeding so much resentment.

I guess we are part of the generation that were told we can have/do it all - but realistically we can't!

I only have one child but sort of similar circumstances - I do 5 days and mostly wfh but have to travel 2.5 hours to my office some weeks leaving my OH to do childcare alone for 2 days. And I work long hours all day so I still barely see my baby. I work full time and can't reduce my hours as I'm the main earner.

I had the same feelings as you - feels utterly relentless and nothing is enjoyable. I don't enjoy going to work and don't enjoy being at home as it's a constant mess as I don't have time to do anything. Some things I have done though are :

• got a different job, closer to home. Means the travelling time is cut down
• got a fortnightly cleaner. My house is still a mess but the deep cleaning stuff is off my plate and I don't have to spend free time doing that (appreciate money is tight tho!)
• hello fresh/gusto! Cut down on thinking about meals and also buying the ingredients

I still find life tough and not always that enjoyable but it's taken some things off my mental load

Agree that the first thing to do is to not work on your day off. Just switch off the laptop/work phone and don’t look at it. Just don’t. That’s something you can do immediately that will help.

@createausername123 what do you mean men don't have the same problems? Apart from pregnancy and childbirth and it's recovery and breastfeeding, they have exactly the same issues as women. However they may not have the same problems as they don't see things the same way and nor do they have the same approach

Also do not work on your day off. If your job needs it it means it cannot be done part time. If you do work on your day off, can you ensure you are paid for it? If not it's time to have a review

No advice just solidarity.

single parent been back at work since March at the end of 9 months mat leave - it’s been mayhem. I’ve just had to accept my limitations and that this will get easier eventually. I’m coping with the day. If i try and look at longer than the 24 hours in front of me I’m anxious and stressed. I’ve worked out ways to manage expectations for us all, and sometime we all just flop into bed and I call that a win.

book some time off over summer to spend as a family, you need something to look forward to. Work is much more manageable knowing I’ve got some time off coming up.

In an ideal world I'd find a job closer to home or a remote opportunity but it would definitely mean a decrease in my income which I don't know if we can survive on

It's worth crunching the numbers, and don't just look at your income but obviously your DHs, if you are closer with less commute perhaps for example you could do some drop offs which means he can work longer? I left my old unit even though I loved it there for a setting I wasn't as fussed on but closer and its genuinely been life changing. A 10 min drive or being able to walk/cycle has made such a difference I can't even explain.

I felt the same after going back to work after having my second...it's been 2 years and despite trying to make changes at work and get more support I've just been signed off work with stress. Mine are now 5 and 3, and constantly juggling school/nursery/stressful job/life and house admin just got overwhelming. Not sure what the answer is, but I would recommend trying to see what you can do to make it more manageable now rather than wait a couple of years 😊

the answer to it all of course is
a) more of the fathers to step up and parent (either in the mornings, the evenings or a mix) together with the mothers (yes, i know NAMALT)
b) people being much more strict about not working outside their contracted hours (i know you say it's hard in your industry, OP. How many women are in leadership positions? how many have children? is it literally worth sacrificing your homelife to get to one of these leadership positions? or to just struggle on knowing you'll never get promoted anyway?)
c) more companies being more aware of work/life balance. Anyone where i work who consistently does overtime (we don't pay overtime, we are salaried) gets a friendly chat from the boss. and if necessary workloads are adjusted etc.

but most of all: people need to listen to those of us who have done this, ask for the tips etc. I notice OP admits that she was sceptical of her friend who told her how hard part-time is in their industry. So it's infuriating for those of us who are out of the other side who tell our stories, for them to be ignored.

But again: the solution is to let some things slide a bit and to be organised to within an inch of your lives. But mainly teamwork.

And it will pass. Eventually (but then there will be other issues, sorry 😀)

I dunno @Brefugee . I have (a) and (c) covered as much as anyone I know, and (b) isn't too bad either.

I think it's just unavoidable that small DC and two careers is bloody hard.

I mean that men are far less likely to have their careers impacted by having children than women are. Surely that's a universal fact?!

Women much more likely than men to give up paid work or cut hours after childbirth even when they earn more | Institute for Fiscal Studies (ifs.org.uk)

This is very interesting, thank you.

My industry is very male-dominated and the few female leaders that we do have generally do not have children. In fact one of the HR Business Partners got pregnant and then funnily enough the maternity policy got a revamp and was much improved 😉

And yes I wish I had listened to my friend - I guess I had hoped that it might be different for me. My main concern is that things don't get better and I wished I had made a change now like @Littlepixie85 said!

Yes, it’s normal but it’s not fun!

Easy wins- can you take a couple of days off with your husband and sort the house out. Massive de clutter and clean. Sort out storage and any niggle jobs, then at least you’ll feel happier at home. Get a cleaner, even if it’s a couple of hours every other week.

Do some meal planning and set up a fortnightly shop. Get milk from a milkman (mine also does bread and eggs so we always have them in). Ruthless morning routine so you don’t go to bed until school/ nursery stuff is sorted and clothes are out for the next day, along with admin done- both of you take a few jobs.

Longer term/ bigger changes, if you don’t think you’ll find work closer to home can you take measures to reduce your commute? Could you move now whilst the kids are little closer to work? Could you also downsize the house, even to a 2 bed with a study or something. If you can reduce your costs on mortgage/ rent and petrol, you can work less and if you’re closer this will also help. You can do the small stuff but sometimes you need to have a proper re-think.

Do you work part time or compressed hours as in my mind they are different things.

It sounds as though you have gone down from 5 days to 4 days but what is that in terms of hours a week? Is it still closer to 37.5 than 30 hours?

@Crunchymum Full time hours in my job is 40 hours but I've dropped down to 35 hours (which is still full time hours in most jobs!) to have a day off. I've compressed my hours and reduced my lunch break on the days I do work to compensate as I couldn't afford to drop down to 32 hours. If that makes sense...

well yes, but i was just checking that OP knows about those things.

it is hard. But it isn't (usually) for ever.

@createausername123 it is tough, but you can do it if you get organised and your DH is on board. What you need to think about is: do i want to get on in this industry/career/company. And then act accordingly.

Is it an industry that has seen the error of it's predominently male ways and is actively trying to recruit women? if so the next step is easier. But. In my last company we were very top heavy in terms of all senior positions filled by men, but there were more women in junior positions (about a 60/40 split) which meant that women weren't getting on as well as men.

We set up a Network of Women, men were on the steering committee too, and used it to make some more women/family friendly policies. It is now starting to pay off after about 5 years because we just got our first Senior Manager promoted from among graduate starters (of her cohort 2 are directors already). We managed to get more understanding of the challenges faced by women in our industry/company in particular. And actually even some of the men took on board what we were saying and supported their partners a bit more. Which was a good result.

Do you think your company would be open to that?

could your DH do compressed hours too and have a different free day?

Its bloody hard. At one point i was working full time with 3 kids being dropped/picked up in 3 different places. Looking back,I dont know how I did it really. It does get easier once they can make their own way to and from school...or just refuse to go in DS' case...but thats another story!

Really pleased to see this post as have been struggling recently and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one!
I’m in a similar situation. Ds 4 and baby 10 months. I work 35 hours compressed over 4 days, which means 8.75 hours / day. On wfh days I do 8.45-5, then an hour when the kids in bed. Half an hour lunch during which I prep dinner. It’s nice because I feel like I get to spend a decent chunk of time with the kids at beginning and end of the day.

on office days, I’ve cut my commute by nearly 30mins each way by doing 7.45-4, meaning I miss most of rush hour and can even do pickup, which means I get to see the kids and it evens the load a bit with dh. Would something like that be doable with your work?

my day off we spend the morning cleaning together. It’s actually quite fun! Hanging out with the kids, having a chat, decompressing at home together after a busy week. and 4yo loves ‘helping’ (mainly getting in the way of the hoover). If it doesn’t get done on Friday then it waits until next week - no cleaning allowed on weekends.

but I hear you, it’s tough! I’m management and have made my peace with just getting by at work for the time being. The career aspirations will have to wait. And in the meantime the house is in sore need of redecorating which I’m itching to do but sadly I can’t materialise extra time out of thin air!

What is the earning gap between you and DH?

If it is very significant then one way to make life easier (and probably earn more as a family) is for you to focus on career - go back up to full time, don’t try to be home for bedtime every day - and him to focus on home, rather than you both trying to do both.