AIBU for thinking that life shouldn’t be like this?

[createausername123]

I’ve recently gone back to work after 12 months off maternity leave with my second child. I work part time/compressed hours and do three long days in the office with a two-hour round-trip commute where I am out of the house for 11.5 hours a day. I work from home one day and then have a day ‘off’ with my second child, which usually I end up picking up work/emails in some capacity.

I’ve been back to work for three months and I feel utterly broken. I had hoped that I would be in some sort of routine by now, but if anything, things are getting worse. My husband is struggling to manage the school/nursery pick-ups (read into that what you will…) which is causing lots of arguments, I keep dropping the ball on the endless school/life admin, we have no money, my house is an absolute tip, work is a whole other story of awfulness, I feel like I’m never ‘present’ for my kids as I always feel like there’s something that needs doing, I have zero time for myself. I’m just utterly exhausted and miserable.

Is this just life with two kids? I’m sure there are others going through the exact same thing, and far worse. AIBU for thinking that life shouldn’t be like this?

Life shouldn’t be like that. Sounds awful OP. Have you tried getting a job closer? A shorter commute would help but I know that may not be possible.

DH sounds like he needs a kick up the backside.

I’m in a similar situation. Work is a nightmare, house is a tip. I keep missing or forgetting things. Kids are a total nightmare. This week DH announces he has clients in. Needs to go in early 3 days and out for dinner 2. I need to work around this and adapt my plans. He always assumes I can do this never asks and only tells me at the last minute.

You said you are working part-time - it doesn’t sound very part time at all! What are your hours? I did 4 days compressed into 3.5 days and had a cleaner, that was tough enough, yours sounds harder. If you are going to check on emails on your day off, then you need to be strict about it - I.e a fixed amount of time in the morning and lunch time or evening and the rest ignore plus take that into account in the hours you are doing, it should then mean you can do less hours on one of the other days.

Can you speak to your manager and tell them you are struggling and tell them you are putting time in on your non working day. Would it help if you could start 30 mins-1hr earlier and finish earlier 1 day a week? When I did compressed hours, I’d do 7-4 or 9-6 with a 1 hr commute each way so it meant I could either do a drop off or a pickup so felt as though I was seeing dc at one end or the other and it would help DH do a fuller day 1 day a week.

We had a childminder rather than a nursery who we loved but was cheaper - could that take some financial burden away?

Would two half days at home rather than 1 full day off when you can’t switch off help perhaps? Would probably need a CM for that as nurseries tend to charge more than a half day whereas a# a CM would normally charge by the hour

Speak to your manager again about the home working. Why is it business need that you can’t work an extra day from home? Do you have a need to be in the office or is it more about not letting one person do more at home than others? 3 days is still a fair amount of time to be out of the house such long days, and yes there is a big commitment on your DH to do both pick ups. I did 5 days in office back when mine were babies and thankfully we shared nursery and later school drops off as it is a lot for one person, I did both for many years once both in school.

To the poster who said apart from pregnancy & birth it’s no different for men. Are you having a laugh? My ex DP was able to further his career a lot when the kids were little, he went on 3 overseas postings. As such he’s got a huge pension (no reduction for 6 months unpaid like me per kid), a huge house as he got double his income and paid zero directly to me for kids. If I’d have announced I was going on an overseas posting leaving my young primary age kids at home (and later one doing his GCSE’s and A levels) I’d have got a different reaction than him. Absolute rubbish men don’t have a different career impact than women. Most men don’t have to take sick days when kids are sick and can’t go to nursery, always falls to mum to do it in my experience (or dad might help out with it if he can), be there to pick up daily despite what’s going on at work. I’ve definitely had to put my career on hold whilst raising my kids, it’s only now they are growing up / at Uni / almost sixth form I can give more to my career. Someone had to be there for the kids

I honestly don't understand why you can't do more than one day at home. All workplaces I know of let you do 2 days (or more).
Personally I'd be looking for another job.

I get two up and out of the house 5 days a week.

I think you need to look at moving because the reality is nursery is logistically much easier than school. My youngest has just gone to school and I’m really struggling with my commute (it’s 2 hours door to door each way) two times a week. Our evenings feel challenging and rushed and I’m knackered and ratty by the time I get back and have to try and get reading/homework done. I don’t know what the answer is really as taking a local job would inevitably mean a big pay cut.

I guess you're busy a better parent and all round person than me.

Btw this thread is from July.