Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to this wedding

65 replies

FranticElevator · 17/07/2023 15:15

We’ve received a Save The Date for our friends son’s wedding next June. I can’t actually remember the last wedding I attended, I’m not that keen on them, find them boring and a waste of money but was initially quite touched to be asked and appreciated the gesture.

His parents are amongst our oldest, closest friends of around 40 years but recently I’ve felt quite shut out by them as has dh. They have a friendship group we’re not part of and they seem to spend all their time with them. Every time I try and initiate a meet up I either find my WhatsApp unanswered or a vague “we’re just so busy” type response.

DH and I have a very busy social life ourselves and lots of other friends to rely on so it doesn’t bother me that much if we don’t see them.

The wedding is on a beach in the middle of nowhere (in this country) and the logistics of finding somewhere to stay in the area are quite challenging, we won’t know many other people there and I know their main friendship group will dominate proceedings and I just can’t face it.

I’m very happy to give a decent gift and my best wishes, but when the actual invitation arrives WIBU to decline? I’m not that au fait with “save the date” etiquette, do people sometimes not follow up with the actual invitation?

OP posts:
Original poster
FranticElevator · 17/07/2023 15:18

Sorry I didn’t mean to enable voting.

OP posts:
PrinceHaz · 17/07/2023 15:18

You’ve given a very valid reason not to attend, in your OP.
RSVP very politely thanking them and stating that you’re unable to attend. You don’t have to give a reason. Then put it out of your mind.

PrinceHaz · 17/07/2023 15:21

To add, the last ‘save the date’ I got, I bought a dress for the wedding then nearer the time got an evening invite only. I ended up giving the dress to the bride’s mum as I didn’t need it.

Summer2424 · 17/07/2023 15:22

Hi @FranticElevator i wouldn't go and rsvp with something like, thank you so much for the invite, unfortunately i will not be able to attend, enjoy your special day.

SurpriseSparDay · 17/07/2023 15:23

Yup. There’s absolutely no obligation to attend.

Decline. Forget.

(Next Spring you can start a ‘What Wedding Gift?’ thread. Grin)

Original poster
FranticElevator · 17/07/2023 15:23

Thanks all, I feel much better about this now. I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

OP posts:
Weddingpuzzle · 17/07/2023 15:24

As they always say on these threads it is an invite not a summons. People who have their wedding somewhere logistically difficult will expect people to decline.

Hufflepods · 17/07/2023 15:25

You don't even mention the couple once, so decline and save them the spaces. They obviously invited you because the parents asked so don't worry about it.

SurpriseSparDay · 17/07/2023 15:25

I don’t know if you have your own suspicions that they’re inviting you - with no great hope that you will actually attend?

@PrinceHaz That must have made you invent many new swear words?

Courgeon · 17/07/2023 15:26

Just politely decline. I have a wedding I've agreed to that's a 5 hour journey away, in the middle of nowhere, taxis have to be pre booked way in advance because of the scarcity of them and H and kids can't come because it's a week day and they can't miss school/work (H contractor, only gets paid the days he works and taking 2 days off due to the distances involved is a complete waste of money for us as a family) so I'm having to spend a small fortune to go alone to something I'm dreading. The hen do was a 4 hour journey and complete wash out as well. I actually can't stand it.

TappingTed · 17/07/2023 15:26

We had a save the date recently- similar circumstances to yours, as in child or long-time friends. We actually can’t make it so have just said so- we will send money as a gift closer to the time but would now not be expecting an invitation… I might be wrong and we may get an invitation to say no to… but I kind of assume the save the dates are to weed out people who can’t come?

SurpriseSparDay · 17/07/2023 15:27

Come on @Courgeon - excavate your backbone!

Courgeon · 17/07/2023 15:29

Weddingpuzzle · 17/07/2023 15:24

As they always say on these threads it is an invite not a summons. People who have their wedding somewhere logistically difficult will expect people to decline.

Is this true? Friend who's getting married is literally in the middle of nowhere 5 hours from me and at least 2 hours from her other friends with no public transport and very little local accomodation. She's getting married 18 miles from the reception as well and not putting a coach etc on. I get the feeling she'd be very upset though if people decline! Also getting married on a week day. My personal bug bear.

GardeningIdiot · 17/07/2023 15:31

Don't give it another moment's thought. Just give a vague “we’re just so busy” type response.

Courgeon · 17/07/2023 15:31

SurpriseSparDay · 17/07/2023 15:27

Come on @Courgeon - excavate your backbone!

I know. Annoyed with myself for agreeing to it in the first place. We were very close friends but I feel we've drifted. I feel I have to do the wedding then after that it's likely we'll drift further.

Ponderingwindow · 17/07/2023 15:31

When the invite comes, just decline politely but without explanation. The wedding couple will not care at all.

if you can afford it easily, send a gift when the time comes. There is no obligation, but it is always nice to go above and beyond.

SurpriseSparDay · 17/07/2023 15:32

I get the feeling she'd be very upset though if people decline!

You do know this person is entirely free to choose to hold her wedding in a less inconvenient location?

mn29 · 17/07/2023 15:35

Definitely don’t feel obliged to go. “Thank you so much for the invitation, unfortunately we’re unable to attend but hope you have a wonderful day”, no need to give a reason why. They may well be relieved as they felt obliged to invite you!

Original poster
FranticElevator · 17/07/2023 15:36

GardeningIdiot · 17/07/2023 15:31

Don't give it another moment's thought. Just give a vague “we’re just so busy” type response.

Lol, I’m tempted to do this as it’s the level of communication I’m currently getting from the parents 🤣

OP posts:
Weddingpuzzle · 17/07/2023 15:42

@Courgeon We got married just over 3 weeks ago. We got married about a mile away from where I and most of my friends and family live, on a Saturday and paid for transport for day guests to get to the wedding on a bus. I also had a drinks only hen do in a city 30 minutes train ride away and we all got the last train home. We got 3 declines overall and I wasn't offended at all because I understand people have lives that I am not the centre of but I think our decline rate was low because it was an easy wedding to get to. I also told people not to feel any pressure to buy a posh new outfit as it was a relaxed wedding. There is a cost of living crisis on and I really wanted to show people I understood that. People need to adjust their expectations about personal events when there are major world events going on that impact on people. Your friend doesn't sound very nice tbh!

Peony654 · 17/07/2023 15:46

Just politely decline in good time. We had a few polite declines for our wedding and I didn’t give it a second thought

Somethingintheattic · 17/07/2023 15:51

We have received a wedding invitation from the daughter of our friends that we only see infrequently because they live 400 miles away. The wedding couple hardly know us (would see us a lot as small children but not now) and are inviting us because Mum and Dad are paying. I am going to send them a cash and a card - considerably more cash than if we had all attended because not going saves so much money. A win for the couple getting married I think.

Courgeon · 17/07/2023 15:51

Weddingpuzzle · 17/07/2023 15:42

@Courgeon We got married just over 3 weeks ago. We got married about a mile away from where I and most of my friends and family live, on a Saturday and paid for transport for day guests to get to the wedding on a bus. I also had a drinks only hen do in a city 30 minutes train ride away and we all got the last train home. We got 3 declines overall and I wasn't offended at all because I understand people have lives that I am not the centre of but I think our decline rate was low because it was an easy wedding to get to. I also told people not to feel any pressure to buy a posh new outfit as it was a relaxed wedding. There is a cost of living crisis on and I really wanted to show people I understood that. People need to adjust their expectations about personal events when there are major world events going on that impact on people. Your friend doesn't sound very nice tbh!

She lives miles away from anywhere! She's getting married near where she lives but it's an absolute pita to get there. Obviously it's her choice to live there but it does mean she doesn't really see much of her friends. Even the closest live a couple of hours away. The location isn't so much the issue as the weekday thing and not putting transport on, sorting out a block booking for accommodation somewhere. Originally the wedding was gonna be in a major city with excellent transport links and plentiful accommodation! However she changed her mind. I'm having to use x 2 days annual leave. It's a bit much really.

Your wedding sounds lovely. I hope you had a fabulous day!

ladycarlotta · 17/07/2023 15:54

If it's their son who has invited you and presumably you have some relationship with him/have known him since he was young, I would send a nice warm personal note to him and his betrothed, whack them a load of cash or vouchers, and don't go. He may not be aware that you've drifted from his parents and was inviting you as part of their circle, or he may consider you family adjacent and have really wanted you there. Either way I think a polite pleasant regretfully-cannot-attend that centres him should really be fine.

changeyerheadworzel · 17/07/2023 15:57

Hate weddings anyway, just decline nicely and get on with your life.

Swipe left for the next trending thread