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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to this wedding

65 replies

FranticElevator · 17/07/2023 15:15

We’ve received a Save The Date for our friends son’s wedding next June. I can’t actually remember the last wedding I attended, I’m not that keen on them, find them boring and a waste of money but was initially quite touched to be asked and appreciated the gesture.

His parents are amongst our oldest, closest friends of around 40 years but recently I’ve felt quite shut out by them as has dh. They have a friendship group we’re not part of and they seem to spend all their time with them. Every time I try and initiate a meet up I either find my WhatsApp unanswered or a vague “we’re just so busy” type response.

DH and I have a very busy social life ourselves and lots of other friends to rely on so it doesn’t bother me that much if we don’t see them.

The wedding is on a beach in the middle of nowhere (in this country) and the logistics of finding somewhere to stay in the area are quite challenging, we won’t know many other people there and I know their main friendship group will dominate proceedings and I just can’t face it.

I’m very happy to give a decent gift and my best wishes, but when the actual invitation arrives WIBU to decline? I’m not that au fait with “save the date” etiquette, do people sometimes not follow up with the actual invitation?

OP posts:
Original poster
FranticElevator · 17/07/2023 16:03

ladycarlotta · 17/07/2023 15:54

If it's their son who has invited you and presumably you have some relationship with him/have known him since he was young, I would send a nice warm personal note to him and his betrothed, whack them a load of cash or vouchers, and don't go. He may not be aware that you've drifted from his parents and was inviting you as part of their circle, or he may consider you family adjacent and have really wanted you there. Either way I think a polite pleasant regretfully-cannot-attend that centres him should really be fine.

He’s a lovely young man and I looked after him and his brother for many years when the dc were young. We were all very close but have definitely drifted (been kinda dropped if I’m honest) in the past year or so. I would never visit any of this on him though and would genuinely wish him and his wife to be the very best.

OP posts:
ladycarlotta · 17/07/2023 16:09

FranticElevator · 17/07/2023 16:03

He’s a lovely young man and I looked after him and his brother for many years when the dc were young. We were all very close but have definitely drifted (been kinda dropped if I’m honest) in the past year or so. I would never visit any of this on him though and would genuinely wish him and his wife to be the very best.

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such a shame his parents are being weird, then. It sounds like you would find going to the wedding quite awkward on many levels, so I think it's fine not to, but there's nothing wrong maintaining some level of relationship with their adult children if you would like to.

SerafinasGoose · 17/07/2023 16:12

Am I mistaken in assuming a 'save the date' card isn't even an invitation requiring an RSVP?

If that's the case, don't RSVP, wait until you receive an invitation and decline.

Meeting · 17/07/2023 16:15

Not sure if you know this but you don't reply to a save the date, you rsvp when the invitation comes.

Canidoitreally · 17/07/2023 16:18

I'd decline immediately. Wouldn't wait for the actual invitation. Then they can invite someone else straight away if they have a B list.

Original poster
FranticElevator · 17/07/2023 16:19

Meeting · 17/07/2023 16:15

Not sure if you know this but you don't reply to a save the date, you rsvp when the invitation comes.

I actually don’t know 🤣we didn’t have save the date in my day and weddings weren’t organised over a year in advance, it’s a crazy world 😀

OP posts:
Canidoitreally · 17/07/2023 16:20

Meeting · 17/07/2023 16:15

Not sure if you know this but you don't reply to a save the date, you rsvp when the invitation comes.

I had multiple people rsvp to my save the dates. Mostly people who immediately knew they couldn't make that date for whatever reason - pre-booked holidays etc. It was really useful to know.

forrestgreen · 17/07/2023 16:20

Just reply 'sorry, we're just sooo busy!'

Always4Brenner · 17/07/2023 16:20

Y-u certainly don’t go just reply not attending other plans booked sorry.

DinnaeFashYersel · 17/07/2023 16:23

It's perfectly acceptable to decline.

"Thanks so much for the invite. Unfortunately we can't attend. We'd love to send a gift so please remember to send us a copy of the gift list when available."

Canidoitreally · 17/07/2023 16:24

SerafinasGoose · 17/07/2023 16:12

Am I mistaken in assuming a 'save the date' card isn't even an invitation requiring an RSVP?

If that's the case, don't RSVP, wait until you receive an invitation and decline.

To me, a non-response to a save the date implies you are actually saving the date. If you are already busy on that day why wouldn't you let them know?!

pinkhousesarebest · 17/07/2023 16:24

They’ll be delighted. They will have your generous present and will most likely give your invitation to another generous guest( who might also decline, but obviously present up) , leaving another spot for another guest…
( Cynical, moi😉)

Original poster
FranticElevator · 17/07/2023 16:24

ladycarlotta · 17/07/2023 16:09

such a shame his parents are being weird, then. It sounds like you would find going to the wedding quite awkward on many levels, so I think it's fine not to, but there's nothing wrong maintaining some level of relationship with their adult children if you would like to.

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I don’t know if we’ve done something to piss them off or if they’re just really wrapped up in themselves at the moment. I felt quite hurt at first but I’m kinda past caring now, these things happen.

OP posts:
tootiredtobother · 17/07/2023 16:26

this made me laugh,
im currently hiding the hand delivered invite to the evening do of friends eldest child's wedding, it would require a night away or one of us has to drive (a fair distance) im not for going but know husband will want to as he thinks he's so necessary at everything im trying to miss the RSVP deadline

SerafinasGoose · 17/07/2023 16:26

Canidoitreally · 17/07/2023 16:24

To me, a non-response to a save the date implies you are actually saving the date. If you are already busy on that day why wouldn't you let them know?!

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Jeezum Crow these things are complicated these days ...

pollykitty · 17/07/2023 16:28

I never understand why anyone feels they have to provide an excuse to decline. I would do so immediately. I’ve done this twice with save the dates, and said ‘To save you a stamp, we wanted to let you know we cannot attend…’ and then followed up with a gift.

SerafinasGoose · 17/07/2023 16:30

pollykitty · 17/07/2023 16:28

I never understand why anyone feels they have to provide an excuse to decline. I would do so immediately. I’ve done this twice with save the dates, and said ‘To save you a stamp, we wanted to let you know we cannot attend…’ and then followed up with a gift.

No I'm not computing that one either.

But then I read threads on this site in which the simple act of declining an invitation causes gratuitous offence and in some cases, even a family schism.

Not sure whether it's MN that exists in a parallel universe, or me!

Mariposista · 17/07/2023 16:48

Throw their go-to response straight back at them - ‘we’re just so busy’ 🤣🤣🤣

Courgeon · 17/07/2023 16:50

I agree with politely declining from the save the date card, as they'll have a guest "reserve list". I know my friend has, a lot of people have them these days. Don't give a reason though. Just say you can't make it.

Bluevelvetsofa · 17/07/2023 16:55

I mean this very kindly, but is it possible that they felt a bit obliged to send you the Save the Date card, because you’ve been long term friends with the parents?

If they send one of those invitations with an accept or decline option, just tick the decline. If it’s a necessary to reply more formally, just thank them, but say you’re not able to attend. No need to provide a reason.

Original poster
FranticElevator · 17/07/2023 17:05

Bluevelvetsofa · 17/07/2023 16:55

I mean this very kindly, but is it possible that they felt a bit obliged to send you the Save the Date card, because you’ve been long term friends with the parents?

If they send one of those invitations with an accept or decline option, just tick the decline. If it’s a necessary to reply more formally, just thank them, but say you’re not able to attend. No need to provide a reason.

No, the groom to be invited us entirely of his own volition, his mum said she has no idea who is on the guest list other than immediate family. I know he genuinely wants us there, hence my question on here.

OP posts:
topnoddy · 17/07/2023 17:17

It's not even an invite as yet is it .

Make sure you are booked up for something else . or just decline when you are invited .

Funkyslippers · 17/07/2023 17:19

I wouldn't go, and don't feel bad about it. But if I'm not attending a wedding I wouldn't buy a gift either. But that's just my opinion 😊

Original poster
FranticElevator · 17/07/2023 17:22

topnoddy · 17/07/2023 17:17

It's not even an invite as yet is it .

Make sure you are booked up for something else . or just decline when you are invited .

I’m actually looking at flights to Portugal for the period it would cover, that’s genuinely when I would want to go, I wouldn’t be booking a holiday just to get out of it but it would certainly help 😀

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 17/07/2023 17:23

Courgeon · 17/07/2023 15:51

She lives miles away from anywhere! She's getting married near where she lives but it's an absolute pita to get there. Obviously it's her choice to live there but it does mean she doesn't really see much of her friends. Even the closest live a couple of hours away. The location isn't so much the issue as the weekday thing and not putting transport on, sorting out a block booking for accommodation somewhere. Originally the wedding was gonna be in a major city with excellent transport links and plentiful accommodation! However she changed her mind. I'm having to use x 2 days annual leave. It's a bit much really.

Your wedding sounds lovely. I hope you had a fabulous day!

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I'm really sorry but I've had to cancel your annual leave for these two days.

There, sorted. You can't go.

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