To not want to go to this wedding

[FranticElevator]

We’ve received a Save The Date for our friends son’s wedding next June. I can’t actually remember the last wedding I attended, I’m not that keen on them, find them boring and a waste of money but was initially quite touched to be asked and appreciated the gesture.

His parents are amongst our oldest, closest friends of around 40 years but recently I’ve felt quite shut out by them as has dh. They have a friendship group we’re not part of and they seem to spend all their time with them. Every time I try and initiate a meet up I either find my WhatsApp unanswered or a vague “we’re just so busy” type response.

DH and I have a very busy social life ourselves and lots of other friends to rely on so it doesn’t bother me that much if we don’t see them.

The wedding is on a beach in the middle of nowhere (in this country) and the logistics of finding somewhere to stay in the area are quite challenging, we won’t know many other people there and I know their main friendship group will dominate proceedings and I just can’t face it.

I’m very happy to give a decent gift and my best wishes, but when the actual invitation arrives WIBU to decline? I’m not that au fait with “save the date” etiquette, do people sometimes not follow up with the actual invitation?

I'd do the holiday option personally. We are attending a wedding locally next week that has cost a fortune. I wanted to say no because we never speak to them but coz it's family husband wanted to go.
🙄

I wish that would work...! There's no way she'd believe it though... She knows my current role is pretty self directed and laissez-faire management and they let us take leave whenever we like!

Oh dear I feel for you. I'd go for the holiday option too.

I noticed on the initial hen do WhatsApp group several of the participants just politely declined with no excuse as to why they couldn't go to the hen then left the group. I need to learn to be more like that.

I once had a conversation with a (male) work colleague who was trying to come up with an excuse not to attend a wedding. I said, ‘ummm why don’t you just say thank you so much for the invitation but I cannot make it. Best wishes to you etc’ He stared me like I was insane and said, ‘…. you …. can …. DO… that?’
I was like YES. The reason you cannot attend is because YOU DONT WANT TO.

Politely decline, you are thinking of being abroad, and in June it's a lot less expensive (and less hot perhaps) than going in July or August.

On a different note. You sound really sad about the demise of this friendship. Just because they see other groups of friends more regularly you can't erase a lifetime of friendship and you wouldnt be invited if they and the son didn't value your friendship.

It's normal after a long time to drift but it's not always the end of a friendship

We’ve waxed and waned before, maybe it will get better again, thankfully I have plenty other stuff going on. I tend to put my guard up when I get ignored/rebuffed too many times but I’m always willing to give people a chance to redeem themselves.

You sound lovely OP, and you shouldn't feel guilty about not going.

Aw, thank you, that’s very kind.

I think, from what you’ve said, that the person getting married genuinely wants you there, as the save the date is from him not his parents.
So I think you should either go for him or if you don’t go, give a generous present.

I think it’s mean-spirited and curmudgeonly not to go.

Have you looked at places to stay? If it’s a beach place it sounds like a nice place to spend a few days? Why wouldn’t their other friends be friendly with you? That’s what weddings are about!

The Ds probably remembers his times growing up with you and wants you there! Don’t be jealous and touchy with the parents.

I have already said I wish them well and would give a good gift.

I’m not jealous or touchy, there is one hotel about 5 miles from the site of the wedding which is on a beach on the east coast of Scotland. Clearly very weather dependent and possibly a complete washout (although for their sake I hope it’s glorious weather). I would imagine the hotel will get booked up very fast for main guests. I believe some people are renting holiday accommodation and making a mini break out of it, that’s not something I would fancy doing.

As I said in a previous post, the logistics are challenging but perhaps you didn’t bother reading them and just decided to insult me instead?

If the groom has invited you himself I’d reply now saying sorry you can’t make it, so they can use the places for someone else. It sounds like he has fond memories of you - you could invite him and his fiancée to dinner as an alternative celebration and give them their gift then.

You w only been invited so you'll buy a gift and for someone to talk to them.

The actual bride and groom won't give a toss if you can't come.