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Original poster

Going for lunch with ex... but secret?!

99 replies

bellsandwhistles333 · 17/07/2023 11:46

Hear me out, I'm not massively ok with this and nothing has been agreed but I could do with opinions.

Current situation I have been with DP 10 years married for 1 and a 5 year old son.

Ex has been with his partner for 5 years married for 1 and has a 2 year old daughter.

Now my ex and I were together for about 14months.... 12 years ago. One of those situations were I was obsessed with him but he wasn't really there.... I got over it and he got interested but I wasn't really there then finally we were both in the same page for just over a year but we were very incompatible and decided we were better friends! We remained friends happily with zero lines crossed for 1.5 years before I met my now husband, I was clear we were friends and although he wasn't keen we stayed in touch but ex moved 4/5 hours away so we just kept in touch online.

It fizzled out as things do but when I had my son he sent a lovely message and was in the area with his new girlfriend and wanted to pop in with a gift I happily agreed and they came over for an hour or so. After they left he got in touch and said although she thought I was nice she wasn't massively happily with the idea of exs being friends to this level and he felt bad etc.

We barely spoke again in 5 years, I saw on social media he had a little girl and I sent a message asking for his address to send a gift which I did ( gift for baby and a candle and chocs for mum)

Now to present day.... he got in touch last week to say he is in my city for a work event for 2 days and wants to know if I'll go for dinner and drinks, Without thinking I happily agreed and told my husband again he wasn't thrilled but understands and we have a good relationship. However he's now mentioned he won't he telling his wife as she wouldn't be happy....

Do I go in secret or do I decline on the basis she has to know? I

OP posts:
Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 17/07/2023 11:49

Sounds sneaky from his side. But if your husband is ok with it then you arent doing anything wrong!

TeaKitten · 17/07/2023 11:52

You obviously don’t go. Your husband is respectful of you but isn’t actually ‘ok’ with it, and it’s a secret meet up with dinner and drinks. Why bother? Then the man go, he’s not the one for you.

HawdMeBack · 17/07/2023 11:54

I'd steer well clear if I were you.

GroggyLegs · 17/07/2023 11:55

You've been honest & told your DH, that's the key thing that you are responsible for.

It's up to him what he does or doesnt tell his DW, but be clear you'll be telling the truth if she contacts you.

I get it feels funny for her, but you've made efforts to extend the friendship to include her, she didn't want to - fine, her perogative. But I think it's controlling to expect a partner to stop seeing a long-standing friend.

Stichintime · 17/07/2023 11:59

It wouldn't bother me, I'd go. His partner may jealous or possessive and not like him seeing other friends as well. I would talk to friend about why the secrecy though.

FarmGirl78 · 17/07/2023 11:59

This is someone you were with for only 14 months, ayons ago. You've said you remained friends with no boundaries crossed.....but at no point have you mentioned (unless I've missed it, I'm bad for that!) whether you've WANTED anything to happen, whether you still have feelings for him.

I also think that considering you knew she wasn't totally happy with the situation sending her a gift was MASSIVELY inappropriate. She's just given birth, will be full or hormones, tired and likely feeling insecure about her new figure, and she's got her fella's ex suddenly come out of the woodwork after a 5 year hiatus trying to be sacarine sweet by SENDING HER PRESENTS? No. Just no.

vivainsomnia · 17/07/2023 12:07

Of course you go. There has been no indication at all that there's been more than friendship going on. If she's so insecure that she'd have an issue with meeting up with you as he happened to be local as a very occasional event that she stopped him from meeting up with you, then it's her problem that he has to lie to her about it.

Of course, if he were to imply anything more than friendship at anytime during the get together, you get up and say it's better to leave at that.

sandyhappypeople · 17/07/2023 12:09

Nope, I have this sort of situation (friends with an ex) But I'd NEVER go out for dinner and drinks just us two, while I do agree you can be friends with exes, it's extremely disrespectful to your current partner to essentially go out on a date with him.

If my partner asked me if he could do this, I would say okay because I'm not his mother, but I would also say that I didn't feel comfortable with the intimacy of it and would rather he didn't, if he still went after that I'd feel like it was a turning point in our relationship tbh.

Why can't he come to your house to see you (with DH there) if he's there for 2 days? Why can't you all go out for dinner/drinks?

RedHelenB · 17/07/2023 12:11

Just as friends I'd go. If you suspect anything more on his side or you have feelings on yours then obviously don't.

SoupDragon · 17/07/2023 12:21

Of course you don't go. It was really weird to send the gifts when his baby was born. You had a relationship of a little over a year 12 years ago.

I'm not surprised your DH isn't entirely happy with it either. If it was your DH going out with a female ex who hadn't told her DH he would be accused of having an affair and you would be told to LTB.

Mumtothreegirlies · 17/07/2023 12:28

Why would anyone in their right mind be okay with their partner having dinner and drinks with an ex????
It crosses and blurs boundaries. You two are history for a reason. You didn’t get married or have a family together, there is nothing but memories of lust. If he’s not telling his wife then it definitely crosses her boundaries and you’ll be complicit in causing problems in their relationship and potentially splitting a family up. I’d be thinking of that little girl you sent a gift to. Don’t be selfish.

AutumnalPumpkin · 17/07/2023 12:30

No, you shouldn't go. Not only is your husband not completely on board with this, but your ex's wife isn't aware.. and you now KNOW that she isn't aware. It would be disrespectful to go, on all accounts of the matter.

Blossomtoes · 17/07/2023 12:33

Why would anyone in their right mind be okay with their partner having dinner and drinks with an ex????

I would. They’re an ex for a reason.

Original poster
bellsandwhistles333 · 17/07/2023 13:04

A mixed bag of opinions. So in terms of feeling no nothing on both sides since the spilt a few weeks after he ended it I understood why and it made sense as we would never of been more.

100% certain this meet up won't rekindle any old sparks we would both drive more than likely so no massive alcohol consumption

I think going with my DH would be more weird no?? Because of course old stories and in jokes would pop up and that might make things uncomfortable?
I was considering asking another mutual friend of ours to join though?

I sent her daughter a gift because he had came with a lovely gift for my son and I didn't want to seem rude plus I was genuinely very happy for them!
Sending her extras maybe wasn't clever but I just wanted to send support from mum to mum.

I have asked him why the cloak and dagger approach is needed, she knows he'll be in the city pretty much alone would it not make more sense to arrange group drinks and be very open so she's not wondering (quite rightly ) If we have bumped into each other?

He's dead against it, says she will be very upset and not want him to come and not coming isn't an option for work and he doesn't want to stress her out over nothing. He's never rude about her and clearly loves her just says she's massive sensitive and insecure etc etc

I think I'll ask out other friend and if they are free to meet then it's less of an issue??

OP posts:
Original poster
bellsandwhistles333 · 17/07/2023 13:07

@Mumtothreegirlies I agree in part with what your saying as our 3 years of knowing each other and 14 month relationship was all just craziness early 20s and fun etc so that's perhaps off putting to the now stable married life we both have at 36/35...

So I can see her wondering what the hell we have to talk about other than the good old times, but there is so much we don't know about each other know if terms or kids and jobs and families

OP posts:
FarmGirl78 · 17/07/2023 13:11

Sending her extras maybe wasn't clever but I just wanted to send support from mum to mum

So from Mum to Mum why are you happy to go out with her husband behind her back when she wouldn't be happy about it?

From her point of view, she's made it clear she isn't happy with this. You know this. Her husband is not respecting her boundary but continuing to seek you out and you're complicit in this. She has a child with this man who's she's looking after in their home while he's off doing his own thing. How do you think she would view you as giving support to her Mum to Mum?

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 17/07/2023 13:15

I think I would cancel and reduce contact. Not because I think you are up to anything dodgy (or that he wants to), but because sneaking around like this will not end well.
Even if she never finds out, your husband is clearly uncomfortable about this, and I would consider his feelings before an ex wanting to kill some time and go over old memories.

FarmGirl78 · 17/07/2023 13:16

there is so much we don't know about each other know if terms or kids and jobs and families

Of course there's stuff you don't know about him.....its been TWELVE YEARS. You don't need to know this stuff if it could cost him his marriage. Keep it that way!

I don't know why you'd want to entertain a friendship with someone who clearly has no respect for his other halfs feelings. He's out of order and you're enabling him. Is your very disjointed once-every-few-years friendship really worth it for the unease and secrecy?

Whattheactualwhatnow · 17/07/2023 13:26

Wondering why you are so bothered about meeting this ex that you’d even consider doing it when you know his partner would be extremely upset by it and in fact it would be kept secret from her.
You two seem WAY more invested in each other than would be warranted by a short relationship many many years ago.
Also weird that you mention no alcohol as an antidote to sparks flying… not simply that there is zero interest on both sides.

One or both of you is a little bit curious. But you would be much better off just putting him down and backing away…

Lacucuracha · 17/07/2023 13:27

It’s not worth the drama. Just say no. Even if a third person comes along, his wife wouldn’t be happy.

hookiewookie29 · 17/07/2023 13:29

FarmGirl78 · 17/07/2023 11:59

This is someone you were with for only 14 months, ayons ago. You've said you remained friends with no boundaries crossed.....but at no point have you mentioned (unless I've missed it, I'm bad for that!) whether you've WANTED anything to happen, whether you still have feelings for him.

I also think that considering you knew she wasn't totally happy with the situation sending her a gift was MASSIVELY inappropriate. She's just given birth, will be full or hormones, tired and likely feeling insecure about her new figure, and she's got her fella's ex suddenly come out of the woodwork after a 5 year hiatus trying to be sacarine sweet by SENDING HER PRESENTS? No. Just no.

Absolutely agree!

Horsedoglover59 · 17/07/2023 13:31

vivainsomnia · 17/07/2023 12:07

Of course you go. There has been no indication at all that there's been more than friendship going on. If she's so insecure that she'd have an issue with meeting up with you as he happened to be local as a very occasional event that she stopped him from meeting up with you, then it's her problem that he has to lie to her about it.

Of course, if he were to imply anything more than friendship at anytime during the get together, you get up and say it's better to leave at that.

This⬆️

Original poster
bellsandwhistles333 · 17/07/2023 13:41

I'm not ok with her not knowing at all and that's why I don't think we should go. I'm more wanting him to just be honest and we can catch up openly.

I've messaged and said that it's not sitting too well with me that she doesn't know, we really look like there's something to hide and there isn't so can he just bring it up and if she shuts it down then he's going to have to just accept that.

I don't want to lie to her also and honestly he should never of mentioned she didn't know but I can't go knowing we are essentially sneaking around as he's going to have to lie about what he's doing that evening.

We'll see what he replies if anything

OP posts:
nokidshere · 17/07/2023 13:43

I wouldn't meet up with anyone who says it's a secret. The reason for the secret is a bit immaterial really, it usually means someone will be hurt by it.

Original poster
bellsandwhistles333 · 17/07/2023 13:43

@Horsedoglover59 This was my first stance but I think by agreeing to lie to her am I not already starting something odd?? Not sexual but let's say we have a lovely time and want to do it again? It's lies every time isn't it?

What a bloody silly mess

OP posts: