Page 4 | Going for lunch with ex... but secret?!

bellsandwhistles333 · 2023-07-17T10:46:47+00:00

Hear me out, I'm not massively ok with this and nothing has been agreed but I could do with opinions. Current situation I have been with DP 10 years married for 1 and a 5 year old son. Ex has been with his partner for 5 years married for 1 and has a 2 year old daughter. Now my ex and I were together for about 14months.... 12 years ago. One of those situations were I was obsessed with him but he wasn't really there.... I got over it and he got interested but I wasn't really there then finally we were both in the same page for just over a year but we were very incompatible and decided we were better friends! We remained friends happily with zero lines crossed for 1.5 years before I met my now husband, I was clear we were friends and although he wasn't keen we stayed in touch but ex moved 4/5 hours away so we just kept in touch online. It fizzled out as things do but when I had my son he sent a lovely message and was in the area with his new girlfriend and wanted to pop in with a gift I happily agreed and they came over for an hour or so. After they left he got in touch and said although she thought I was nice she wasn't massively happily with the idea of exs being friends to this level and he felt bad etc. We barely spoke again in 5 years, I saw on social media he had a little girl and I sent a message asking for his address to send a gift which I did ( gift for baby and a candle and chocs for mum) Now to present day.... he got in touch last week to say he is in my city for a work event for 2 days and wants to know if I'll go for dinner and drinks, Without thinking I happily agreed and told my husband again he wasn't thrilled but understands and we have a good relationship. However he's now mentioned he won't he telling his wife as she wouldn't be happy.... Do I go in secret or do I decline on the basis she has to know? I

Horsedoglover59 · 17/07/2023 16:02

bellsandwhistles333 · 17/07/2023 13:43

@Horsedoglover59 This was my first stance but I think by agreeing to lie to her am I not already starting something odd?? Not sexual but let's say we have a lovely time and want to do it again? It's lies every time isn't it?

What a bloody silly mess

I think that from another post she's thinking about adding some friends into the mix too, but to me it's up to the husband whether he wants to tell his wife or not. I have a very old male friend who if he suddenly contacted me and said he was going to be around for an evening, I'd jump at the chance to see him again, and my OH wouldn't mind and wouldn't want to come too. But if OP thinks it's going to upset the wife then maybe she shouldn't go, or invite him over to her's, with her husband there. There's no point t getting into heaps of lies just for a catch-up.

vivainsomnia · 17/07/2023 16:46

I don't think you have to be insecure to find the idea of your wife spending the evening reminiscing about when they used to date somebody else sad and uncomfortable
Why? Would it be the same if it was an old friend from school with whom one had a fun time for some years? Would it be sad to reminisce about these times?

Of course not, it's a totally normal event that happens all the time. So what else but insecurity would make someone so uncomfortable if that person is an old fling turned friend that happens to me of the opposite sex?

I would have no issue at all if it was my OH. He is free to reminisce about previous memories. What impact would this have on me?

aSofaNearYou · 17/07/2023 17:08

vivainsomnia · 17/07/2023 16:46

I don't think you have to be insecure to find the idea of your wife spending the evening reminiscing about when they used to date somebody else sad and uncomfortable
Why? Would it be the same if it was an old friend from school with whom one had a fun time for some years? Would it be sad to reminisce about these times?

Of course not, it's a totally normal event that happens all the time. So what else but insecurity would make someone so uncomfortable if that person is an old fling turned friend that happens to me of the opposite sex?

I would have no issue at all if it was my OH. He is free to reminisce about previous memories. What impact would this have on me?

People simply feel differently on this topic. For me, it's very obvious that they are different. An old flame, who was mainly a romantic partner rather than a friend you had a small fling with, is not the same thing as an old platonic friend.

I think it's pretty normal to think fondly of exes sometimes, but I wouldn't mention it to my DP when I do it. I wouldn't say to him "I was just thinking about what a lovely romantic time me and my ex used to have and how much I loved him", I think it's normal to not expect your current partner to relish the thought of you spending your time thinking that. By going out to dinner with the intention of doing that, you set them up for an evening of that.

People constantly insist this can be nothing to do with insecurity, and will not listen to the people telling them that's not what they feel. Insecurity suggests you are worried about losing your partner, which is just not what I feel. You might not understand the emotion I've described, but that doesn't make it insecurity.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 17/07/2023 17:15

Does your husband know he’s kept this as a secret from his wife? If he doesn’t, I’m pretty sure your husband will insist on not being happy either.

The only way he’d keep it a secret is if he is planning to do something wrong, don’t fall into the trap.. if it was genuinely dinner&drinks he’d have no problem telling his wife how unreasonable she is being, to me it just seems extremely sneaky and unnecessary tbh, he doesn’t look like he has good intentions.

as I said if your husband knew he was keeping it secret and acting sneaky he would probably ask you not to go.

if my husband was invited for dinner and drinks with an ex I wouldn’t be overly thrilled but I would think ok fine, if I knew she’d kept it a secret from her husband while planning the dinner and drinks would I hell agree, disaster waiting to happen tbh.

vivainsomnia · 17/07/2023 17:22

I wouldn't say to him "I was just thinking about what a lovely romantic time me and my ex used to have and how much I loved him", I think it's normal to not expect your current partner to relish the thought of you spending your time thinking that
But that's not what the meeting would have to be about. To me, it's a strange assumption. I would expect conversations to be more about 'Gosh, do you remember when we went to that party and you fell in the flowerbed and couldn't get up' type of conversation. And a lot of 'so how is your wife, child, job...do you still do a lot of running' type of exchange, that is just like old friends which is what OP and this man have become.

o what feeling would mean that it makes this meeting wrong?

aSofaNearYou · 17/07/2023 17:31

vivainsomnia · 17/07/2023 17:22

I wouldn't say to him "I was just thinking about what a lovely romantic time me and my ex used to have and how much I loved him", I think it's normal to not expect your current partner to relish the thought of you spending your time thinking that
But that's not what the meeting would have to be about. To me, it's a strange assumption. I would expect conversations to be more about 'Gosh, do you remember when we went to that party and you fell in the flowerbed and couldn't get up' type of conversation. And a lot of 'so how is your wife, child, job...do you still do a lot of running' type of exchange, that is just like old friends which is what OP and this man have become.

o what feeling would mean that it makes this meeting wrong?

Well, OP said old stories and in jokes might come up which would make things uncomfortable if DH was there, which paints a picture of it being that kind of evening. If you're aware your partner would be uncomfortable if they were there, it's not a stretch that the thought of it happening without them there might also make them uncomfortable.

The meeting isn't wrong, it's just also not wrong for a partner to feel uncomfortable about it, and personally, that would matter more to me than someone I had so little remaining connection with.

Original poster

bellsandwhistles333 · 17/07/2023 17:52

Thanks all... just to answer a few questions we were in each others lives for 4.5 years in total before our contact fizzled out as he moved away. Honestly people hinting that we are counting down the minutes to jump on the sack are seriously negative people!

We Managed 1.5 years as years after the break up without ever crossing lines and we went out several times a month! He ended it as we are from very different cultures (he's South African) and he always wanted to live abroad / go back home and it wasn't on my list of priorities due to my family so he called it a day wisely.

However I really would say we were close and I made it very clear to my DH that I wouldn't be dropping a friend when we met, he came to our house twice and of course my hubby wasn't over the moon but they were fine and he supported my friendship as he still does now... it's more light hearted jokes about the friendship rather than really issues.

Anyway he has replied and says he gets it's he's going to mention the idea to his wife tonight. I've said I won't be going without her blessing to be honest as I

OP posts:

Original poster

bellsandwhistles333 · 17/07/2023 17:53

Don't want to be a bad guy as I never have! I sent the gifts as they bought my child one so in my mind that's normal?

Thanks to all those who aren't looked for deceit and affairs round every corner haha

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 17/07/2023 18:10

I sent the gifts as they bought my child one so in my mind that's normal?

Not when five years had gone by with hardly any contact and the reason was that his wife had said she wasn't happy about it!

SoImpatient80 · 17/07/2023 18:15

FarmGirl78 · 17/07/2023 13:11

Sending her extras maybe wasn't clever but I just wanted to send support from mum to mum

So from Mum to Mum why are you happy to go out with her husband behind her back when she wouldn't be happy about it?

From her point of view, she's made it clear she isn't happy with this. You know this. Her husband is not respecting her boundary but continuing to seek you out and you're complicit in this. She has a child with this man who's she's looking after in their home while he's off doing his own thing. How do you think she would view you as giving support to her Mum to Mum?

Absolutely this

itsmyp4rty · 17/07/2023 18:33

What if she some how found out? It would look very bad from her point of view. Do you want to to be involved in his marriage potentially imploding just for the sake of a catch up and in jokes?

Don't do it OP.

Positive41 · 17/07/2023 18:33

bellsandwhistles333 · 17/07/2023 13:04

A mixed bag of opinions. So in terms of feeling no nothing on both sides since the spilt a few weeks after he ended it I understood why and it made sense as we would never of been more.

100% certain this meet up won't rekindle any old sparks we would both drive more than likely so no massive alcohol consumption

I think going with my DH would be more weird no?? Because of course old stories and in jokes would pop up and that might make things uncomfortable?
I was considering asking another mutual friend of ours to join though?

I sent her daughter a gift because he had came with a lovely gift for my son and I didn't want to seem rude plus I was genuinely very happy for them!
Sending her extras maybe wasn't clever but I just wanted to send support from mum to mum.

I have asked him why the cloak and dagger approach is needed, she knows he'll be in the city pretty much alone would it not make more sense to arrange group drinks and be very open so she's not wondering (quite rightly ) If we have bumped into each other?

He's dead against it, says she will be very upset and not want him to come and not coming isn't an option for work and he doesn't want to stress her out over nothing. He's never rude about her and clearly loves her just says she's massive sensitive and insecure etc etc

I think I'll ask out other friend and if they are free to meet then it's less of an issue??

So if you weren't driving and drank a bit of booze, something clearly would happen. You are open to it. What is the point? You are both being very disrespectful.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 17/07/2023 19:14

I wouldn't go as your husband wasn't originally thrilled with the idea. And rightly so, ex is being sneaky and it's unfair on his wife.

GoodChat · 17/07/2023 19:26

aSofaNearYou · 17/07/2023 18:10

I sent the gifts as they bought my child one so in my mind that's normal?

Not when five years had gone by with hardly any contact and the reason was that his wife had said she wasn't happy about it!

And she only found out they'd had the baby via social media

Tiredmum100 · 17/07/2023 19:46

nokidshere · 17/07/2023 13:43

I wouldn't meet up with anyone who says it's a secret. The reason for the secret is a bit immaterial really, it usually means someone will be hurt by it.

I agree. Someone (his wife) will end up getting hurt. I couldn't be bothered making so much effort for someone I dated for a little over a year, years ago. What's the point? Yes, he may be nice, but is it really worth the hassle? Maybe he has form for this sort of behaviour. I feel sorry for his wife. He's an ex for a reason. Personally, I'd leave it there.

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 20:16

GoodChat · 17/07/2023 19:26

And she only found out they'd had the baby via social media

Show quote history

Bizarre

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/07/2023 22:46

I'm just thinking of his poor wife, tidying up the house and bathing the baby while he is getting dressed up to go for a secret night out with his ex-girlfriend. I'm thinking of her worrying because she knows he's in the same town as you and knowing she sounds paranoid if she asks if he'll see you. Then I'm thinking of your husband staying in that night and wondering how your evening is going with your ex.

Honestly, you need to end this friendship.

Blossomtoes · 17/07/2023 23:00

The OP says lunch.

BalletBob · 17/07/2023 23:03

vivainsomnia · 17/07/2023 16:46

I don't think you have to be insecure to find the idea of your wife spending the evening reminiscing about when they used to date somebody else sad and uncomfortable
Why? Would it be the same if it was an old friend from school with whom one had a fun time for some years? Would it be sad to reminisce about these times?

Of course not, it's a totally normal event that happens all the time. So what else but insecurity would make someone so uncomfortable if that person is an old fling turned friend that happens to me of the opposite sex?

I would have no issue at all if it was my OH. He is free to reminisce about previous memories. What impact would this have on me?

Yes, if it was a friend you used to shag and have romantic feelings for and plan a future with.

That's a silly comparison.

BalletBob · 17/07/2023 23:13

It's fine to stay in contact with an ex when you've got a genuine friendship and are involved in each others' present lives in a platonic way. It would be controlling for a current partner to try and stop this.

But that's not what's going on here.

You don't have a longstanding friendship. You just occasionally pop into each others' lives, and if you're honest it's probably just for a little ego boost or a frisson of excitement every now and then. You're both playing with fire and it's not worth it. You're bang out of order to prioritise this “friendship” over your DH, which is what you’re doing given you know it (understandably) makes him uncomfortable. And your ex boyfriend is a complete shit for trying to meet up with you behind his girlfriend’s back, no doubt while she looks after his child alone at home.

You need to block and forget this man - permanently - and have a good think about why you’re still hung up on a short lived relationship that happened over a decade ago, and why you’re searching for thrills outside your marriage.

MardiMoo · 18/07/2023 04:12

no good will come of this…you know you are not being honest with yourself and/or others.

he will end up inside you again.

Original poster

bellsandwhistles333 · 19/07/2023 17:31

@MardiMoo WTF! Jesus what a comment and no he absolutely would bloody not 😂

I haven't gone into every aspect of the friendship but it has been ongoing not 5 years of no contact.

Anyway! For those interested he replied and said he mentioned possibly meeting me for lunch (it was always lunch never a night time drinking affair... not because heaven forbid alcohol touches our lips and we rips each others clothes off!!! As we would both be driving..)

A night out drinking is very different and I wouldn't of ever agreed to that as it would feel weird.

She outright said no she would go mad and she knows it's her shit nothing to do with me but absolutely doesn't want it to happen.

So I said screw her! she's a controlling mess, let's book a hotel and have a crazy reminiscing night full of wild antics and copious amounts of alcohol screw both out marriages and children because we don't have any possible conversation only our previous sexual antics link us together so.....affair ahoy!!

Sorry just guessing what others think I would of said!

I said ' ok cool that's a shame but I totally understand there's no way we can do meet when she feels this way so have a great weekend'

Let's hope I don't bump into him in Asda that weekend that could be awkward.

OP posts:

5128gap · 19/07/2023 19:13

I bet my house he'll not tell her. If he's prepared to lie to his wife to sneak off for dinner with you, he's not going to baulk at lying to you so he continues with that plan and spares himself the hassle from both sides, is he?
If you go you should only do so if you're OK that he's lying to her.

WarmButteryCrumpets · 19/07/2023 23:18

Whether or not his wife is insecure / controlling / not a cool girl isn't really relevant.

What's interesting is that he's telling you that's what she's like.

Why is he telling you that?