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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Going for lunch with ex... but secret?!

99 replies

bellsandwhistles333 · 17/07/2023 11:46

Hear me out, I'm not massively ok with this and nothing has been agreed but I could do with opinions.

Current situation I have been with DP 10 years married for 1 and a 5 year old son.

Ex has been with his partner for 5 years married for 1 and has a 2 year old daughter.

Now my ex and I were together for about 14months.... 12 years ago. One of those situations were I was obsessed with him but he wasn't really there.... I got over it and he got interested but I wasn't really there then finally we were both in the same page for just over a year but we were very incompatible and decided we were better friends! We remained friends happily with zero lines crossed for 1.5 years before I met my now husband, I was clear we were friends and although he wasn't keen we stayed in touch but ex moved 4/5 hours away so we just kept in touch online.

It fizzled out as things do but when I had my son he sent a lovely message and was in the area with his new girlfriend and wanted to pop in with a gift I happily agreed and they came over for an hour or so. After they left he got in touch and said although she thought I was nice she wasn't massively happily with the idea of exs being friends to this level and he felt bad etc.

We barely spoke again in 5 years, I saw on social media he had a little girl and I sent a message asking for his address to send a gift which I did ( gift for baby and a candle and chocs for mum)

Now to present day.... he got in touch last week to say he is in my city for a work event for 2 days and wants to know if I'll go for dinner and drinks, Without thinking I happily agreed and told my husband again he wasn't thrilled but understands and we have a good relationship. However he's now mentioned he won't he telling his wife as she wouldn't be happy....

Do I go in secret or do I decline on the basis she has to know? I

OP posts:

DiddlyDonut · 17/07/2023 13:45

FarmGirl78 · 17/07/2023 11:59

This is someone you were with for only 14 months, ayons ago. You've said you remained friends with no boundaries crossed.....but at no point have you mentioned (unless I've missed it, I'm bad for that!) whether you've WANTED anything to happen, whether you still have feelings for him.

I also think that considering you knew she wasn't totally happy with the situation sending her a gift was MASSIVELY inappropriate. She's just given birth, will be full or hormones, tired and likely feeling insecure about her new figure, and she's got her fella's ex suddenly come out of the woodwork after a 5 year hiatus trying to be sacarine sweet by SENDING HER PRESENTS? No. Just no.

This 💯

aSofaNearYou · 17/07/2023 13:47

Tbh I really don't understand why either of you are dragging this friendship out. Your relationship was brief and ages ago, and I've lost touch with friends I had for longer than 1.5 years 5 years ago, and they weren't exes that made our partners uncomfortable!

I think sending the gift when his DD was born was the wrong decision and I'd have hated it if I was his poor GF who'd just given birth.

I think both of you should let it go and stop taking the piss with your partners.

vivainsomnia · 17/07/2023 13:47

Why would anyone in their right mind be okay with their partner having dinner and drinks with an ex????
It crosses and blurs boundaries
Which boundaries? Don't friends get together for a meal when they live apart and circumstances find them in the same town?

Surely things are only blur when there is a lack of trust. Lack of trust with no reasons to be is insecurity. Expecting loved ones to behave based on I securities is controlling.

catsnhats11 · 17/07/2023 13:50

You sound completely innocent and like you are trying to please everyone, but in your should I would not go. Your ex sounds less innocent, why would he risk upsetting his wife to meet an ex from over 10 years ago (no offence)? Are you sure he doesnt have other ideas in mind? Also how much "old times" catching up is there really? I was with exes longer than 14 months (in nice enough relationships) and tbh can't remember much of it, let alone have the desire to meet up and go back over it with dinner and drinks! I think this is one left in the past, there is too much risk of hurt on both sides and very little reward.

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 17/07/2023 13:50

I would decline on the basis you are both married and your husband is not that happy about it anyway. I know that my husband would have a huge problem with this which I'm guessing his wife does, hence the reason he's not telling her.

aSofaNearYou · 17/07/2023 13:51

vivainsomnia · 17/07/2023 13:47

Surely things are only blur when there is a lack of trust. Lack of trust with no reasons to be is insecurity. Expecting loved ones to behave based on I securities is controlling.

People disagree on this subject.

For me personally, I don't consider it insecurity or lack of trust. OP has said it would be weird to take her DH because they would be sharing old stories and in jokes. I don't think you have to be insecure to find the idea of your wife spending the evening reminiscing about when they used to date somebody else sad and uncomfortable.

Mumtothreegirlies · 17/07/2023 13:55

Blossomtoes · 17/07/2023 12:33

Why would anyone in their right mind be okay with their partner having dinner and drinks with an ex????

I would. They’re an ex for a reason.

Naive

sadsack78 · 17/07/2023 13:56

I think if his partner knew, it would be very different.

How would you feel if your DP went off to meet another woman and didn't tell you?

As it is, I wouldn't go. It seems disrespectful to her, a bit mean and like needless troublemaking.

It's childish of him to put you and her in this position. Not nice behaviour at all. If his intentions were purely as a friend, he would happily invite you and your DP to meet them both.

Mumtothreegirlies · 17/07/2023 13:56

vivainsomnia · 17/07/2023 13:47

Surely things are only blur when there is a lack of trust. Lack of trust with no reasons to be is insecurity. Expecting loved ones to behave based on I securities is controlling.

Don’t be ridiculous

sadsack78 · 17/07/2023 13:58

I do think it is possible for exes to become friends but there needs to be transparency, respect and clear boundaries.

He isn't abiding by any of these.

Acquista · 17/07/2023 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jongleterre · 17/07/2023 13:59

Both of you enjoy dancing near the flame.

Why create drama and anxiety for your loved ones? She may not be told by him that he's meeting you but these things have a way of getting out.

CrystalPalaceAlice · 17/07/2023 14:00

So you say that you’re not happy with his wife not knowing, but you’re still going to meet him 🤔 Don’t kid yourself, you’re both married & this won’t end well.

LolaSmiles · 17/07/2023 14:01

Just because people don't work romantically doesn't mean they can't remain friendly.

If you're being honest with your husband then that's the relationship you're responsible for.

I'd go as friends but be clear to him that you won't lie if she asks you directly

Maddy70 · 17/07/2023 14:03

Dont go

Mumtothreegirlies · 17/07/2023 14:03

bellsandwhistles333 · 17/07/2023 13:07

@Mumtothreegirlies I agree in part with what your saying as our 3 years of knowing each other and 14 month relationship was all just craziness early 20s and fun etc so that's perhaps off putting to the now stable married life we both have at 36/35...

So I can see her wondering what the hell we have to talk about other than the good old times, but there is so much we don't know about each other know if terms or kids and jobs and families

Regardless of all that it’s unnecessary to go meet a man who’s married with a child who you were with for 5 minutes. Be different if you were best friends for years beforehand, or you had a child together, or had a business together that needed dissolving..but you don’t. You’re nothing to do with one another anymore. And for the sake of a ‘catch up’ is it really worth taking part in him lying to his wife and causing her upset just because he (being a man) wants to see if there’s still an attraction. Think of that little babies future and don’t participate in his pathetic attempts to recapture his youth.

NeedToChangeName · 17/07/2023 14:04

You are playing with fire. Steer clear. But I suspect you will ignore this advice

GoodChat · 17/07/2023 14:09

If he's not telling her about seeing you he's not telling you about talking to her either.

I would just steer clear because she'll find out and it's really not your circus.

Greentree1 · 17/07/2023 14:09

Is the dinner and drinks at his hotel? Is he expecting something for afters? It could get really awkward after a few drinks. I'm afraid I would be thinking he's expecting more than just a friendly dinner.

DramatisPersonae · 17/07/2023 14:09

I'd go without thinking twice. I certainly wouldn't have been asking permission from my husband, either. A couple of close friends are (from the distant past) exes, and although we live in different countries these days, we'll always see one another for dinner or a drink if we're visiting, and keep in text/occasional phone contact. Anyone in my life needs to deal with the fact that I slept with these men about a million years ago, and that, if anything, it now feels mildly comic.

Your ex is responsible for how he deals with honesty and disclosures in his own relationship.

mosiacmaker · 17/07/2023 14:12

1 trillion percent don’t go! If only to not reward his shady behaviour.

If you were going to be actual friends you’d be couple friends by now.

You’re not friends. And he sounds like a bad person.

Curseofthenation · 17/07/2023 14:13

I think you're making the right decision. I would feel awful about it in your situation. It feels sneaky. He knows it's wrong but it looking for reassurance in your acceptance of his deceit.

I'm all for having friends of the opposite sex but I wouldn't want my DH to hang out with an ex. I wouldn't hang out with an ex either. It doesn't matter how much water has passed under that bridge.

LemonPeonies · 17/07/2023 14:13

I would go, not your problem she's insecure!

catsnhats11 · 17/07/2023 14:14

Mumtothreegirlies · 17/07/2023 14:03

Show quote history

This.

If you were longstanding friends then fair enough, but randomly meeting up after 5 years with zero contact and little to join you other than a brief and lusty relationship 10 years ago absolutely reeks of him testing the waters...

Newestname002 · 17/07/2023 14:15

@bellsandwhistles333

Given your husband wasn't that keen anyway plus, worse, your friend has lied by omission to his partner thus possibly, causing misunderstandings/problems in the future, I would call off this dinner/drinks. Listen to your own feelings of disquiet and don't put yourself into a situation which might come back to bite you. If your husband asks why you're no longer going, tell him the truth calmly and move on. Your friend has put you in an uncomfortable position unnecessarily. 🌹

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