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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS friend stole his bank details

102 replies

DetailsTaken · 17/07/2023 09:21

I know it’s not an AIBU but I need some advice please.
DS who is 17 has a friend who he’s known throughout secondary school, they're also part of a bigger friendship group.
Last night my son found out that his ‘friend’ also 17, had gone into his bag, taken his card out of his wallet and videoed his bank details (this happened about a week ago), his friend then shared this with his GF and in another group chat that my son is not part of.
We have no idea yet if anyone has used his details to purchase anything and how far his details have been spread, so we are calling the bank this morning and cancelling the card and will have to go through the transactions.
If money have been spent on his card, do we have to report this as fraud via the bank and try and claim the money back? Or is it a police matter?
The friendship is likely over between my DS and the ‘friend’, it was actually his ‘friends’ GF who told my DS last night, it has also caused the end of their relationship and will likely affect the friendship group.
DS is upset about it all.

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 17/07/2023 10:17

He stole your sons bank details. That is theft. Contact the police asap

JonahAndTheSnail · 17/07/2023 10:30

I've also worked in retail banking, and the situation OP has described fails none of the tests. Having someone (who is outside of the household) go into your bag and take the card details does not indicate negligence on OP's DS part in any capacity. If you have worked in retail banking I'm very surprised you advocate lying to the bank - if caught out this is a sure fire way to lose your customer protections.

It would be an odd thing for me to lie about. I'm just going by my past experiences and if it was mentioned that the account holder was aware of someone known to them accessing their card information, it would be investigated and the process would drag on. I would go for the option which requires sharing as little information as needed. If no transactions have been made, the card can simply be cancelled. Realistically, the bank aren't going to be interested in investigating a 17 year old sharing another 17 year old's card details. I'm not saying it's right and I do think banks and the police should take this sort of behaviour more seriously, but the reality is they rarely do.

pontipinemum · 17/07/2023 10:31

Can you download the app now? I can freeze my cards on my app. I can also cancel them.

I'm not sure about contacting the police. Do you know this 'friend'? What are his parents like? I don't have a 17 yr old DS but I do have a 17yr old nephew, his parents would be horrified and I know would deal with it correctly. I'm not sure about giving a 17 yr old a police record for something silly.

But as someone said up thread it could be part of something more sinister like fraud.

INeedAnotherName · 17/07/2023 10:44

Contact the bank. Change card/account.
Contact the police.
Contact this "friends" parents. If my 17yr old did this then I would want to know.

Cover all the bases. What an awful thing to happen to your son Sad

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 10:45

JonahAndTheSnail · 17/07/2023 09:26

I would just tell the bank your son lost his card out of the house. If his 'friend' were to make purchases using the details, it's possible that the bank will argue that he allowed access to the card and not pay out for any purchases made. The police won't get involved, it will be for the bank to sort out any potential disputes.

No, dont lie and commit fraud

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 10:48

JonahAndTheSnail · 17/07/2023 10:30

I've also worked in retail banking, and the situation OP has described fails none of the tests. Having someone (who is outside of the household) go into your bag and take the card details does not indicate negligence on OP's DS part in any capacity. If you have worked in retail banking I'm very surprised you advocate lying to the bank - if caught out this is a sure fire way to lose your customer protections.

It would be an odd thing for me to lie about. I'm just going by my past experiences and if it was mentioned that the account holder was aware of someone known to them accessing their card information, it would be investigated and the process would drag on. I would go for the option which requires sharing as little information as needed. If no transactions have been made, the card can simply be cancelled. Realistically, the bank aren't going to be interested in investigating a 17 year old sharing another 17 year old's card details. I'm not saying it's right and I do think banks and the police should take this sort of behaviour more seriously, but the reality is they rarely do.

Whys their age relevant?

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 10:49

DetailsTaken · 17/07/2023 09:40

There is video evidence of his friend making the video and forwarding this information to his GF and the group (my DS has seen this), so there’s evidence of what he’s done. I’m just appalled really and my DS also can’t understand why his friend has done this to him, my son has always been a good friend to him.

We all read that in the Op, there is just always one to make out that people would make this up.

I'm sorry OP. What a horrible experience for him

Good on the young girl for blowing the whistle.

LIZS · 17/07/2023 10:51

He can ring the number on the back of his card and check recent transactions and report fraud.

JonahAndTheSnail · 17/07/2023 10:52

Whys their age relevant? The likelihood that it will be viewed as teenagers messing around (which it probably is) rather than them actually being involved in some kind of fraud or criminal activity. Again, I'm not saying it's right, just going by my past experiences with the Police.

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 10:53

JonahAndTheSnail · 17/07/2023 10:52

Whys their age relevant? The likelihood that it will be viewed as teenagers messing around (which it probably is) rather than them actually being involved in some kind of fraud or criminal activity. Again, I'm not saying it's right, just going by my past experiences with the Police.

Well you are, as you yourself said its teenagers 'messing around'. Your posts are somewhat ageist and minimising throughout.
Ops son is the victim of a crime and should not be dissuaded from taking appropriate action.

TheCatsMama · 17/07/2023 10:58

Card in a bag? Not minded or worn by the owner? Really? I made my kids fully understand that their cards were to be on their person at all times, and that any sharing or disclosure of details would be a breach of the bank's conditions, and could lead to the card being withdrawn.

DandelionBurdockAndGin · 17/07/2023 10:59

He can ring the number on the back of his card and check recent transactions and report fraud.

This - talk to the bank find out if there have been any transactions if there have - bank may well say you need to report to police - though with screen shots I'd be tempted to do this anyway.

2bazookas · 17/07/2023 11:02

You do need toreport this to police because if there is any fraudulent use of DC's details you need to be able to prove (to the bank) A) that DC was entirely innocent and B) you/he took all available steps to protect the accounts.

Unless you do that, the bank may well suspect your son of being complicit in misuse of the card/account, and/or breaching their T and C. So they won't cover the loss. Worse, your sons account could be canceleld/ refused and he might find it very difficult to open another at another bank. You must put his best interest first, ahead of his friend.

The 17 yr old thief is a crook who absolutely knew what he was doing, with malicious intent.

JonahAndTheSnail · 17/07/2023 11:03

Well you are, as you yourself said its teenagers 'messing around'. Your posts are somewhat ageist and minimising throughout.
Ops son is the victim of a crime and should not be dissuaded from taking appropriate action.

Not at all. If anything my posts are scathing of the Police and the poor standard of banking customer service in this country. I would love to live in a society where the Police have the resources to take matters like this seriously, as they should be.

My first priority in a situation like this would be to cancel the card and check if any transactions have been made. If you read my previous posts, I did say if transactions have been made, then contact the Police. Realistically if the 'friend' was going to use the card himself, he'd have to be pretty stupid to then share the details in a group chat. If the OP knows the 'friend's' parents and they're decent people, she'll probably get a better sense of resolution if she approaches them to make them aware of what's happened.

DandelionBurdockAndGin · 17/07/2023 11:04

TheCatsMama · 17/07/2023 10:58

Card in a bag? Not minded or worn by the owner? Really? I made my kids fully understand that their cards were to be on their person at all times, and that any sharing or disclosure of details would be a breach of the bank's conditions, and could lead to the card being withdrawn.

Doesn't say if card was in a bag in his own house.

Our purses/wallets/phone cases are around in the house - mine in my handbag on hook - and do extend a certain level of trust to friends/family known for years - so you may pop to kettle/toilet/deal withs something and leave them in a room with a bag not really expecting this behavior.

SaturdayGiraffe · 17/07/2023 11:05

TheCatsMama · 17/07/2023 10:58

Card in a bag? Not minded or worn by the owner? Really? I made my kids fully understand that their cards were to be on their person at all times, and that any sharing or disclosure of details would be a breach of the bank's conditions, and could lead to the card being withdrawn.

Are you really telling us that when any friend visits your house you insist that everyone in the household picks up their bank cards and holds them close?

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 11:05

@TheCatsMama victim blaming

BodenCardiganNot · 17/07/2023 11:05

We don't use physical cards any more. Cards are on either apple watches or on phones.

ArthurPoppy · 17/07/2023 11:05

Report to police and cancel card

WildUnchartedWaters · 17/07/2023 11:06

JonahAndTheSnail · 17/07/2023 11:03

Well you are, as you yourself said its teenagers 'messing around'. Your posts are somewhat ageist and minimising throughout.
Ops son is the victim of a crime and should not be dissuaded from taking appropriate action.

Not at all. If anything my posts are scathing of the Police and the poor standard of banking customer service in this country. I would love to live in a society where the Police have the resources to take matters like this seriously, as they should be.

My first priority in a situation like this would be to cancel the card and check if any transactions have been made. If you read my previous posts, I did say if transactions have been made, then contact the Police. Realistically if the 'friend' was going to use the card himself, he'd have to be pretty stupid to then share the details in a group chat. If the OP knows the 'friend's' parents and they're decent people, she'll probably get a better sense of resolution if she approaches them to make them aware of what's happened.

You did, yet you also advised just to say hed lost it, at which point the police would smell a rat and any resources they did have would go down the pan.

I agree resources are stretched but attempting to play the system is not a good idea.

BarbaraofSeville · 17/07/2023 11:07

TheCatsMama · 17/07/2023 10:58

Card in a bag? Not minded or worn by the owner? Really? I made my kids fully understand that their cards were to be on their person at all times, and that any sharing or disclosure of details would be a breach of the bank's conditions, and could lead to the card being withdrawn.

Don't be ridiculous. Most people wouldn't expect their friends and family to steal their bank details and the bank will not consider being a victim of crime carried out by a person who they knew and trusted to equate to 'sharing or disclosing bank details and breaching the T&Cs'.

empatheticpretzel · 17/07/2023 11:12

Depending on how long ago any purchases were made, if someone has spent money it would come up as a pending transaction online

Unclecornelius · 17/07/2023 11:15

TheCatsMama · 17/07/2023 10:58

Card in a bag? Not minded or worn by the owner? Really? I made my kids fully understand that their cards were to be on their person at all times, and that any sharing or disclosure of details would be a breach of the bank's conditions, and could lead to the card being withdrawn.

So your dd’s or ds’s never ever put their bags down even for a minute?
Ok.

slashlover · 17/07/2023 11:18

TheCatsMama · 17/07/2023 10:58

Card in a bag? Not minded or worn by the owner? Really? I made my kids fully understand that their cards were to be on their person at all times, and that any sharing or disclosure of details would be a breach of the bank's conditions, and could lead to the card being withdrawn.

I went to my friend's house on Saturday. I left my bag (with my purse in it) when I used the toilet, at one point I even took £10 out off my purse and nipped to the shop across the road because I didn't want to carry it.

TheCatsMama · 17/07/2023 11:19

BarbaraofSeville · 17/07/2023 11:07

Don't be ridiculous. Most people wouldn't expect their friends and family to steal their bank details and the bank will not consider being a victim of crime carried out by a person who they knew and trusted to equate to 'sharing or disclosing bank details and breaching the T&Cs'.

Show quote history

Sorry, I though this happened at school, or somewhere outside the home. If the 'friend' did the act in the son's home, then of course, yes, it is totally out of order, and I personally would be gathering evidence for the police and bank. I totally accept it would be ridiculous and mad to expect people to have to guard their card in their own home where visitors and friends ought to be trustworthy. Apologies if I have misunderstood.