Normal nervousness or real reasons not to have kids?

[katieak]

So we've delayed having children because the time has never been "right" for various reasons. I'm now ready and feel having a child would be so wonderful and may give me more purpose to life. We're fortunate in that we are in an ok position to have a baby - stable and established career on a reasonable wage (both of us), decent mat pay, big enough home. There's kind of no reason not to, other than it will change our lives. I feel my nerves are probably normal because committing to giving a child the best life is a big thing. My hesitations are - holidays will be different - backpacking in less developed places and enjoying luxury hotels in others (I realise they are very different but that is our reality) will probably change to UK or shorthaul Europe initially, having to plan more - we enjoy a bit of spontaneity, and having to sacrifice certain things e.g. going out to nice places for dinner. I feel now that a baby/child willl be worth all of that and will work fine although may be hard at times. This is normal worries to have right? It doesn't mean we shouldn't? Fwiw hubby has always kind of left it to me to feel ready and had said he would be if I pull the trigger although naturally has the same nerves about lifestyle change. I guess I'm asking will we regret it or is this normal?

You’ve only really given one reason which is about holidays. What else are you worried about? It’s good to realise it’s a big life change but I think you need to try to pin down exactly what it is that you’re feeling anxious about.

Being a bit nervous that your life changes when you have a baby is normal. It’s not really a reason not to have a baby. most of the changes will enrich your lives. If you are financially stable and in a mature relationship, it will be much easier than if you are not.

I guess just life chances in general. Holidays is a big one. Freedom to just do what we want when we want is the main centre of it. I guess we'd figure a system but we're lucky that we have a lot of freedom now to just go wherever whenever. By this I don't mean holidays, just if we fancy going to the city for a few hours we can or if we go for a drive out somewhere and a walk we can do that. We're not worried about nap times or packing several changes of clothes or eating at the right time which might not be things that really matter but I am very aware it's a bit change

It's normal to worry but I wouldn't let it put you off.

@katieak

Freedom to just do what we want when we want is the main centre of it.

Part of you is trying to tell you something. Listen.

It absolutely is a massive change to everything. Of course you can still do a lot of that if you're confident enough, but in general your life will change a lot. The thing is, there's no love like your children and when the time comes you will be ok with those sacrifices.

My cat loves me more than any pink baby could.

I think the loss of freedom must be equal to the loss of inner peace. They say you'll never know complete peace of mind again. Sounds rubbish to me.

Nervousness is normal and yes life will change. But you don't have to give up all those freedoms. Children can and do fit into the parents lives, you don't have to change your whole lifestyle for them. I guess selfishly as I was young when I had them I wasn't ready to give up having fun so they came along too so we could experience it together!

My dds have come and done all the things I've wanted to do within reason. They have grown up fairly chilled and now as teenagers still love an adventure. We go on walks, visit museums, castles, zoos, shows, get the train to new places. Even when they were young (baby & toddler aged) we went to restaurants and cafés. They were taught how to behave and what was expected from them. Obviously we did our fair share of parks, beaches and soft play too!!

I cant comment on holidays as I had my girls young so never had that freedom before and never really had the cash to go abroad. But its something I really hope to experience with them in the near future!

Reading a few posts on Mumsnet shows this is not true of everyone. Lots of people are very NOT ok with the sacrifices and if you start to talk to women and they're honest, many would have in retrospect chosen differently.

Know 10 year married couples - no babies even if they wanted.

Yet some people were probably infertile from get go, their chance never there (I’ll always regret not having children)

My mother always told me
’children are sacrifice. Do everything you want to do before you have them!’
this led to:

1. long and painful fertility treatment
2. my wonderful ds later in life.

there is no question that you utterly lose the freedom to put yourself first. You can still have luxury hotels or whatever but you always ask- will that suit my dc too?

so you make different choices. And you sacrifice your desire for spontaneity or your longing for a long potter around a new city, for a whole different life with some different choices.

@Plugsockets1 this is what worries me. I kinda made my peace that things will be very different but I can embrace that but sometimes Mumsnet makes it seem scary! I guess I'm asking for reality - do those feelings come and go or do people really regret it forever?

I wish you good luck in your decision. I've had three rounds of IVF and no baby and I'm more unsure about whether I actually want children more than ever...

Someone posted an interesting link to why you shouldn't ever worry about regretting the decision to NOT have children. I'll try and find it.

The time is never actually right I don’t think and the truth is nothing actually prepares you for those changes. I remember in the early days leaving my baby at my sisters so I could watch a football match and actually legging it from her house to my car. I resented my child’s dad for being useless. He still is but that’s a him problem not a me problem. I wanted my old life back too but then around the 13/14 month mark! It clicked the mental health struggles disappeared. I stopped having so many down days. I stopped feeling negative and I have given my daughter my all ever since I mean I was doing a good job at taking care of her before that but no I don’t struggle mentally.

what im trying to say is it’s the hardest but most rewarding and the best thing you’ll ever do if you feel it inside that you want to be a mother.

it does help if you have a good partner/dad willing to help and share the load. It does help when you’ve got a bigger support network but it seriously is amazing!

you’ll never ever be completely ready no matter how much you plan but you’ll know just how beautiful it is.

Here you go

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-fear-theyll-regret-not-having-kids#:~:text=7.-,To%20fear%20future%20regret%20about%20not%20having%20children%20is%20to,by%20the%20choice%20to%20parent

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-fear-theyll-regret-not-having-kids#:~:text=7.-,To%20fear%20future%20regret%20about%20not%20having%20children%20is%20to,by%20the%20choice%20to%20parent

You can still do nice things with a baby and as they grow older you can bring spontaneous things back. You just have to remember it’s as simple as packing a bag for baby having sufficient clothes and just getting out! It will change but it can still be a good beautiful life and only the first few years are the struggle with things to do.

You don’t have to have children, OP. I certainly wouldn’t have them to ‘give you purpose in life’. It’s fine to decide that freedom, spontaneity and travel are more important to you.

How old are you OP? I am mid thirties and lots of my friends having same dilemma as you.

I am still in the toddler stage so exotic holidays, spontaneous dinners etc very much not happening. Sometimes I do miss them but when you do get to do something like a low key date night it's such a treat!

Also having a child has enriched our lives so much; getting to experience new places with them, lots of new friends on top of the really profound joy of parenthood.

It is really relentless and can be a slog though but the hard things in life are also often the best things. I would find life without a child flat (this is just me I have lots of happy childfree friends).

I think you need to think about your support system. Will DH pitch in properly? Do you have family nearby or a good network of friends. What is your plan for your careers? All these things will impact your experience of parenthood and how much time/sanity you get to yourself.

As the parent of a teen with ADHD and ASC I'd say think carefully. If I could turn back the clock I would.

I was never that bothered about having children as I knew if would be hard work but rose tinted glasses and my biological clock ticking in my early 30s changed that.

Of course I love him and hopefully things will improve but it's not how I imagined it would be.

Your concerns are very normal. Does your partner have the same concerns. The fact that he’s left the ball in your court completely makes me wonder if a. He hasn’t given it much thought or b. Thinks you’ll be doing it all?

Some people seem determined and do carry on doing some of the things they did before children. Like holidays.

However babies are expensive- we also did lovely holidays pre children- post children (we had 2 under 2 so maybe things would’ve been different with just 1 ) wages dropped + £1000 a month nursery bill meant caravan holidays/ cottage holidays for a few years. lifestyle hugely changes, relationship dynamics change.

i often think I wouldn’t do it if I had my time again but in reality I think these things when I’m just exhausted and thinking of my alternative life. Because n reality I love these children more than anything and would do anything for them.

Ok. So I was sorta in the same position as you.
I got pregnant as I wanted to start a family, but hated the idea of giving birth. Luckily, I was able to chose how I did and was the right option for me. Since I had baby later in life, I feel like I’ve travelled enough ( no thanks to covid missing 2 years). Yes we have to sacrifice oversees trips but next few years we will doing a bit mor coastal trips, which is fine as we have a beautiful coast here is Aus!
we are not into fancy dinners or anything like that so hasn’t really affected us in that sense.
yes the support around does help as some days it can be hard and draining, but like everything else has up and down.
anyway good luck !

Children can give you purpose if you are happy being a mother. On the other hand, they can strip your life of purpose because you might not be able to do much except work and bring them up.

I felt like this although it got a lot less after I turned 35 and generally slowed down a bit naturally anyway, stared to get a bit bored of eating out all the time, yes you can go on holiday a lot but in the end you come home and are missing something else a bit more meaningful.
I had a baby and pay for a weekly babysitter so we still have time to get out and about. They also don't stay babies forever, they will enjoy travelling with you as they grow up too. I can't think of anywhere I've travelled to that hasn't had kids / teenagers there too!

For women who were a bit on the fence of having DC (before having them), I think some would say they'd choose differently if they could go back.

It's kind of an unspoken thing where you don't ever want to say you regret your DC - because you love them - but the consequences of DC are huge and you're tied to the change in lifestyle for many years. Especially if you don't have lots of support around you - it can be tough.

In my friend circle, a few of us had DC relatively early. Other friends saw how tough it was and some decided to stay child free. I found it interesting that they saw the reality of DC - not the idealised view of motherhood - only because they happened to have very close friends with DC. They didn't have babies/toddlers in their families, so wouldn't have been able to judge based on personal experience, but know on perceptions from the media etc.