Normal nervousness or real reasons not to have kids?

[katieak]

So we've delayed having children because the time has never been "right" for various reasons. I'm now ready and feel having a child would be so wonderful and may give me more purpose to life. We're fortunate in that we are in an ok position to have a baby - stable and established career on a reasonable wage (both of us), decent mat pay, big enough home. There's kind of no reason not to, other than it will change our lives. I feel my nerves are probably normal because committing to giving a child the best life is a big thing. My hesitations are - holidays will be different - backpacking in less developed places and enjoying luxury hotels in others (I realise they are very different but that is our reality) will probably change to UK or shorthaul Europe initially, having to plan more - we enjoy a bit of spontaneity, and having to sacrifice certain things e.g. going out to nice places for dinner. I feel now that a baby/child willl be worth all of that and will work fine although may be hard at times. This is normal worries to have right? It doesn't mean we shouldn't? Fwiw hubby has always kind of left it to me to feel ready and had said he would be if I pull the trigger although naturally has the same nerves about lifestyle change. I guess I'm asking will we regret it or is this normal?

My friend had a baby older and she was extremely spontaneous think one day you’ll be speaking to her on the phone about the weather etc the next she’s off to Thailand for a month nothing booked but flights just flew out everywhere and did the “we will see where’s good to go when we get out there!” Lol. She had a her baby and integrated her lifestyle into her baby and he was off travelling with her from 6 weeks old!

It’s a complete myth really that you have to completely pander to the whole motherhood limitations thing if you can do it so can baby I think there is too much pressure on mums to think they must stay home get baby into routine naps excessive packing on day trips etc!

I say go for it! Her ds is 11 now extremely intelligent well travelled would rather go snorkelling than pick up a ipad any day! His knowledge and respect for other cultures at his age is mind blowing!

Regarding posh hotels (or even budget hotels!) what usually stuffs it up for us is that the sleeping arrangements are not really set up for young children - sometimes if youre lucky you can get a family room or a cot put in the room but that means early dinner and lights out whenever your child goes to sleep. You might get a child who copes well with staying up late - I hear they do exist - but even then, for the first few years, there's not really a lot of relaxing while they are awake. There are Mark Warner type holidays where you leave the kids asleep in the room and a staff member "patrols" that floor of the hotel listening on a baby speaker thing but it seems a lot of faff for something that you can easily do without help if you rent a cottage or just stay at home! From about age 8 or so I would say holidays can be great with small kids - before that it can be great for them, but it's a bit of a bus man's holiday.
Apologies if that us too much detail on holidays but this is the thing - children change every single aspect of your life and it is all details, all the time. I think our society poses the question of kids to women like this very abstract, high-minded sort of "what do you want your life to stand for" type of question but I think the details are far more important. Do you have a good relationship with your parents and inlaws, do they live nearby, would they be happy to help with childcare? You can buy childcare to cover the working day, but what about if they are ill or you're ill or you just want a wee Saturday afternoon off? It will make a huge difference if you have some family support. And how is your DH? Is he one of those guys that "just doesn't see the mess" and you end up doing more housework because of it? Those guys are hard work if you have a baby. Do you work in an area where jobs are secure and it's easy to get hired? Does your DH? What if one of you was made redundant and had to move for work? Think about that sort of thing. I wish I had!

I delayed trying because of worries over things like it impacting mine and dh's relationship, holidays, events etc... I tended to be focused on all the things I'd lose having children. In the end it was a leap of faith and fortunately the things I feel I've gained from having dc, outweigh the things I lost.

So from my experience, what you're describing is similar to what I went through. Had to give myself a push basically!

I found it interesting that they saw the reality of DC - not the idealised view of motherhood - only because they happened to have very close friends with DC. They didn't have babies/toddlers in their families, so wouldn't have been able to judge based on personal experience, but know on perceptions from the media etc.

I certainly saw the reality when my DB and his partner had a baby, aged 49 and 43 respectively. I love my DN dearly but was and am glad we didn’t pursue parenthood any further than we did. (IVF failed and we chose not to use donor gametes or adopt/foster.)

Unfortunately, you don’t know if parenthood is for you until you become one. Being a parent also isn’t just one thing. I was terrible at the baby stage, drugged up to the eyeballs on antidepressants. My sister absolutely thrived with a little one. I am now much better with a tween whilst my sister is struggling more with this part. Who knows what the teen years will bring.

Being a parents is a lifelong journey and not about ‘having a baby’. Ask yourself if you want a teen living in your house in 13 years’ time.

It's like anything in life. It has its ups and downs. Good days and bad. However I don't personally think it's something you regret as once they're here you wouldn't change it for the world.

But perhaps not having them would lead to regret? I don't know because I can only speak from my experience of having children which has changed my life for the better.

As long as you go into it realistically (of course with some doubts) then you won't be too shocked by all the change. However I personally find holidays the least relaxing thing to do with children so if your decision is entirely based on that then probably best not to do it (again speaking from experience- yours may be different!).

It is completely up to you. The first 2 years of my child's life have completely turned my life upside down. I've enjoyed parts of it but I will be completely honest the first year I spent thinking WHAT HAVE I DONE at regular intervals. Now my child is a bit older and I have more "me" back I feel much happier about my decision.

For me personally I used to go on lots of holidays with my friends abroad and do what I wanted to do, I wasn't that interested in having children. I got to about 26 then all of a sudden was desperate for one and I now have my two beautiful children that I adore and never regret. Don't get me wrong, I suffered with severed post natal depression and struggled both times and somethings its been difficult/challenging and i felt guilty for bringing them into this world but over time you learn to adapt to life with children and I wouldn't be without them now.

I suppose one possible issue for us is we do have limited support. We only have one parent as the others have sadly passed away. Whilst she could help and would be absolutely delighted to, I am conscious it would be a lot. We do have some friends who are like family but they have families of their own so don't think we could really ask them. DH is an only child and my one sibling lives abroad so no options there.

We're totally people who would be up for bringing a baby/small child along for dinner and maybe we'd just have to go out earlier. We have some friends who do this very successfully so definitely can be done! and DH and I do enjoy entertaining our friends' children at get togethers although I appreciate a few hours of this is VERY different from it being 24/7. I also think we could adapt holidays to include children - we're not really romantic type travellers and definitely don't lie on the beach all day. We like being active and sightseeing with a bit of playing in the pool too.

The responses are really interesting as there is quite a mix and I think that's generally the view I get from Mumsnet which is what is making me worry haha!

Hi OP, I'm in exactly the same position as you! I'm late 30's, and I've delayed it for so long but not realising I have to do it before it's really too late. But like you nervous about missing nice holidays, my own time and freedom to do what I want, disposable income, meals/drinks out etc.
I've got friends who seriously struggled once having a baby, with the change to their life it brings. I think probably hadn't thought about the realities of it too much. I think I'm the opposite, and worry too much I'll hate it and not enjoy it so keep feeling put off! I'm TTC now anyway, but still nervous/worried about the massive change that will happen if I get a BFP.

Yes, things change but it's only for a period of time that you are really restricted. Dh and I lived and travelled in lots of less developed countries before we had dc. No we haven't been back since, but I think that's more to due just with lifestyle change than having kids (older, more risk averse, maybe related to being parents, but who knows). But ours are primary school age now and we are starting to be able to see a time in a couple years when we can do that sort of travel again as a family.

As for other things, yes, you are more restricted, but you also have new worlds that are opened up to you. I've met different people as a parent. I've learned new things about myself. I'm certainly much more resourceful and resilient than I used to be. Yes, I do miss the life I used to have in away. The travel, the nice restaurants, the excitement, but I wonder if that's more a figment of it being more of a 'luxury' now. I know when we decided to have children, I was a bit bored with all of that. Like after awhile, it does get a bit same-same, if there is nothing deeper there. We have close family who are childfree by choice and yes, they travel and go hobbies and have lie ins, but I wouldn't trade places with them. A lie in stops being special when you can do it every weekend. After awhile, it's just 'not getting out of bed' and missing out on life. Same with a nice weekend away, it's lovely to do now because it's special, but at a point, it stopped being so lovely because it's just staying in a nice place and eating nice food - which I can still do as a parent, but I'm not missing out on all the other really meaningful stuff I have in my life.

That doesn't mean it's not challenging to have children, but I think your worries are pretty normal.

These are normal worries and I think almost every parent these days will have had these thoughts and concerns at some point. I certainly did.

In the past it was just the done thing to have children, or impossible to stop them coming, so people had them young without thinking much about it.

Now we’re having them later and it seems like a big choice and a big change.

Absolutely there are challenges, but there is also intense love and profound joy, and I would not have wanted to miss out on this experience!

I think whatever you decide, it’s quite unlikely that you will regret it long term, as regret is an uncomfortable emotion so we look for the positives in our own situation and the negatives in the other.

Don't have a child because you think it will give "purpose" to your life - you can't live your life through other people and you need to find "purpose" within yourself, not rely on a child for that.
I would say that if you have any doubts, you are not ready - yet, or maybe at all.

I don't think you really want a baby, if you did it would be an overwhelming all encompassing need and you wouldn't be having these internal conversations.

Of course you’ll get mixed responses because no two people’s experience of parenthood is the same. One might find her old life paled into insignificance compared to child rearing while another my love their kid but hate their new life as a parent and regret having them. Some may have moments of regret but generally accept the challenges, others may develop mental health issues they never had before. Some might have a baby/child with special needs they didn’t plan for. There is no one answer. It’s not compulsory to have a child, though, it’s perfectly fine to feel that your purpose is fulfilled living life on your terms and doing what you want, or to feel that no matter how frivolous some might think holidays and spontaneity are, you want a child less than you want to give them up.

Is that really the case though? That I should only have children if it's an overwhelming and encompassing need? I know of friends who did have that, and then the reality shocked them. I'd be surprised if everyone who weighed up the pros and cons carefully, and was tentative/nervous about going into it, were then the only ones to regret doing it.

To be honest the feelings seem to come an go, I have a 7 month old so can only go off what I’ve felt so far. We didn’t plan our baby but felt it was the right time to progress to a family of 3.

I loved my social life pre baby, meals out and drinks whenever I wanted and holidays/city breaks etc. All I can say is sometimes I do get pangs of FOMO when I see photos of lots of people out or on holiday, I miss being spontaneous - but then the baby does something so bloody adorable I’m like awww who’d want to miss this.

Plus I think by experiencing other cultures you’ve seen how kids are raised in different countries, we really like the Mediterranean way of looking after kids and being really inclusive with them in social activities.

I do think waiting till your older to have kids has its perks as your more mature and can handle things better but at the same time you’ve been able to be selfish with your own time and it’s hard to let that go.

It's OK to not have kids you know, if your life is happy as it is maybe you need to think about whether you actually want them, not when. We made sure we were settled etc before having kids, the decision to actually have them was easy, it's something we both wanted and we didn't see a life without children. We didn't go through mental gymnastics saying "well we've no excuses left, there's no reason not to" this just wasnt our train of thought.

I know a few couples who are childfree by choice, their lives are just careers, holidays, eating out, gigs and fun, they have wonderful lives, lots of disposable income and the luxury of time. Our life with kids is nothing like this, it's a mad juggling act where we are very time poor, not to say we aren't happy, we are, it's just hard. Yes you can do fun stuff with children and we do lots with ours, but it's a completely different kind of fun. Only you can decide if/when you have kids, everyone and their experiences are different so no one here can say whether you will regret it. I didn't but I really wanted them and I haven't ever imagined any other life.

If I could go back in time then I wouldn't have mine. Not because I don't absolutely love them and they bring me so much joy. But I feel very guilty for brining them into this world. I would rather it was just DH and me and we could just leave it at that when we are gone. Now they will have to decide whether or not to bring kids into the world, which isn't looking very promising. I find it mad people are having thirds and fourth kids at the moment. Nuts!

Is it really as black and white as that though? I have more than one close friend who are wonderful mothers who have said they never felt like this but they wouldn't change their babies for the world

Certainly not so black and white. Plenty of women struggle with the decision whether or not to have a child, and arrive at a yes or no from a place of intense ambivalence. Some women who decide to stay childfree grieve even while recognising it was the right decision. Similarly, women who become mothers grieve the other life they’ve not chosen, as with any irrevocable decision.

I’ve never felt broody in my life, and had planned to stay childfree, then was briefly ambivalent, then thought we could give it a shot, conceived first go and had DS. I don’t think that arriving at motherhood late and without an overwhelming desire for a child makes the slightest difference to my parenting.

(Adopters are far more realistic about this. They tend to recognise that becoming a parent is a shock and takes time to adjust to.)

@katieak i have stumbled across this post and feeling the same. I wondered what you ended up deciding to do?

Hi @Firsttimemum000 we had lots of talks and decided to go for it so we are actively trying for our first 🥰 We had one mega holiday that we've wanted to do for years to get it out of our system and decided on balance that we would make it work. We've tried to look at it not from the perspective of what we would lose but what we could gain and, having committed mentally, we're actually quite excited! Just need that BFP now 🤞🏻

Its interesting to hear where you are with things a little way on and glad you have found some peace in your decision and feel you have mentally shifted, that’s really positive. Just out of interest, if you don’t mind me asking, how old are you?
Wishing you all the best for everything!

It's normal. I've always wanted babies and when we decided i freaked out so much that we waited a year.

More importantly, discuss how maternity leave will be covered, how finances will be split, will you both return part time, just you or SAHP? Will maternity leave mean you picking up extra housework? Will you both get up in the night? Will finances be shared equally or will he give you an allowance or are you expected to save yourself?

Best to outline expectations now.