Normal nervousness or real reasons not to have kids?

[katieak]

So we've delayed having children because the time has never been "right" for various reasons. I'm now ready and feel having a child would be so wonderful and may give me more purpose to life. We're fortunate in that we are in an ok position to have a baby - stable and established career on a reasonable wage (both of us), decent mat pay, big enough home. There's kind of no reason not to, other than it will change our lives. I feel my nerves are probably normal because committing to giving a child the best life is a big thing. My hesitations are - holidays will be different - backpacking in less developed places and enjoying luxury hotels in others (I realise they are very different but that is our reality) will probably change to UK or shorthaul Europe initially, having to plan more - we enjoy a bit of spontaneity, and having to sacrifice certain things e.g. going out to nice places for dinner. I feel now that a baby/child willl be worth all of that and will work fine although may be hard at times. This is normal worries to have right? It doesn't mean we shouldn't? Fwiw hubby has always kind of left it to me to feel ready and had said he would be if I pull the trigger although naturally has the same nerves about lifestyle change. I guess I'm asking will we regret it or is this normal?

So I had my children - first at 27. We were the first out of our friendship group and didn’t know anything about sleepless nights , third degree tears etc it was ignorant bliss! Then we waited 6 years until I had my second. In that time everyone of our friends had had babies and my gosh , if you listened to them it would have been enough to have out us off! I’m wondering if that’s what’s happened with yourself? You hear lots of horror stories but it’s ok :) sometimes people share and don’t think of the impact it has.

However I’m fully with you on the holidays!! We love holidays and meals out. Do you have family who could look after your child? We go away each year for weekends and a week aboard ourselves. My eldest child loves travel and is old enough so we take him whilst our toddler is with his grandparents . So we find ways around it. As soon as our youngest is old enough , we will take him on our adventures with us. It’s just a few tricky years. I felt it this summer though, my eldest finished for the summer holidays last week- he’s going with DH travelling round Europe whilst I stay with our youngest - I can’t wait until we all do it !

So just have one.
Honestly most of the world has kids, rich, poor, planned and unplanned. You are over thinking and come it at like some sort of tick box exercise.

Unlike say a dog, children change throughout so holidays change. A baby won't care about anything except eating and being with you. A toddler is a wilful nightmare. A young child will be thrilled by simple things. You can share brilliant holidays with older children. Before you know it you'll be worrying that's it's your last family holiday befire they prefer to go off with their friends.

Have you thought about what your child's life will be like? Do you believe in the climate crisis? If not, fair enough, but if you do, do you really want your child to suffer that? The generation being born now have some pretty horrifying events predicted in their lifetime.

Hi OP

Interesting holidays is something I missed the most when we had kids. And the truth is, until they're around 4 or 5, wherever you go on holiday (uk, short haul beach holiday or whatever) will be completely hard work and sometimes not feel worth it when they're not sleeping because they're out of their routine and bored because they've not got their normal toys and you're having to eat in mcdonalds because they refuse to touch any of the local interesting food

Mine are 6 and 9 now and sometimes we have amazing holidays (we went to Spain this year and visited some amazing towns, mountains, went kayaking etc and have had some cool city breaks) although it's a bit heartbreaking when they don't like the same things as you (think our skiing days are over which I've not yet come to terms with) or you take them somewhere objectively amazing like Rome and they just moan its too hot. I've had friends with similar age kids go hiking holidays, Barbados, Japan, tour South America even so it can be done, although the ones that have done it successfully are very strict on behaviour all the time (no screens, calm voices at all times, no pestering, no junk food etc), which means when they are in the rainforest for a week with nothing to do they don't get bored.

I think there are other aspects of parenting that are worse. Like the lack of any time to yourself. The absolute relentnessness and repetitiveness of it all in the early years with no escape. The way they nag and moan and make you angrier than you've ever been in your life. The constant nursery illnesses for the first couple of years. The constant battle between work and home if you have a career. The sexism that appears from nowhere at work as soon as you become pregnant. The judgement from other (mainly) mothers as soon as you become pregnant.

There are of course good things. Seeing your child learning, thriving is amazing. Sleepy cuddles where they tell you how fantastic they are and how much they love you. The mind of a 4 year old is a wonderful and fascinating and refreshing thing. Finding new shared hobbies that you enjoy together or rediscovering old ones through them.

Overall the good and the bad balance out for most people.

The one thing that will determine whether you enjoy motherhood above anything else, is the support from your partner. If they take half of the mental load (say deal with school and nursery while you deal with hobbies, organise the food and entertainment for kids parties while you do the guest list, do hair cuts and dentists etc), do half the night wakings, share some of the paternity leave, change their hours as much as you do so you both do nursery runs, arrange with you to take the same time off for hobbies or socialising, so that downtime is equal, take time off work last minute when the baby is sent home from nursery again, shares the housework when youre on maternjty leave rather than expects you to do it all because youre off anyway,..all this tiny mundane stuff will be the stuff that makes the difference between feeling resentful and overwhelmed and trapped, or feeling like you're a successful family unit with mental space to have some fun. So talk all of this stuff through, in detail, before making any decisions. And if he is the type of person who disappears off for weekend long hobbies and doesn't want to give that up, if he is the type of person who has to be nagged into doing any chores and leaves you to organise everything, if he is the type of person who goes to bed for a week with a cold leaving you to do everything, then don't have kids with him.

The answer to this question is simple OP. can you see yourself being happy never having children?

If the answer is yes and you won't feel you missed out then wait or don't have any and keep your freedom.

If the answer is no then have the children, they will grow up and will eventually again have some freedoms back

Life with kids is just as fun if not more fun than life without them. Yes it's hard work, yes holidays change but I've been on holidays without mine and missed them! Lol 😆. They drive me nuts but I hadn't lived until I had them.

They enhance my life on a daily basis they make me laugh and life without them around is quite frankly dull lol

I've felt overwhelmed being a parent, there have been times when I've thought what did I do here but then I lost a child and it completely changed my thinking.

I can hand on heart say never once since losing my son have I ever thought what have I done again and we had another child afterwards. I appreciate every second every last one, even times when I'm stressed or over worked I think your so lucky to have them. So yes there will be people who think it's hard and wonder what they did but that will pass and they will enjoy every single second.

I'd say if you do, do it when it gets tough just think this will pass, I will get through this and 5 mins later they will make you laugh. They love you like no one will ever love you again in your life. I honestly love my life as their mum.

That's great news. Good luck 😊

I have chosen not to have children.
I quite like kids if they are other people’s.
I babysit a lot and worked with young children for quite a few years.

I never, ever wanted the relentlessness of them always being there and the constant responsibility and the loss of doing what I wanted, when I wanted.
My life has lots of meaning - I enjoy trips away, coming home from a holiday or day out at midnight as we’re making the most of the day, nipping off for a swim in the river whenever I like, making time for myself to exercise and relax, eating when I’m hungry, not because it’s a ‘meal time’, seeing friends regularly, indulging in many hobbies.

If you have a strong and undeniable urge to procreate - do. But don’t do it as you see everyone else doing so, or if you feel there’s not much else to do.

You can never take them back!!!!

They also don't stay babies forever, they will enjoy travelling with you as they grow up too.

@Leo227 makes a good point. Childhood is a relatively short stage and they’ll be your adult child for decades! My children are 19 and nearly 16. We travel together with them and separately, for example, my DH recently had a great trip to Japan with our DS.

Having children isn’t for everyone, but if you’re considering TTC, don’t dwell too much on the baby/toddler stage, it’s over so quickly.

I feel both things at the same time. I feel overwhelmed by responsibility- of boring tasks like life admin of filling in forms, buying uniforms, sorting through old toys. I also feel overwhelming love when I’m near my kids. I wouldn’t trade them back for freedom.

My children are 17 and 14 now, I had them in my early/mid 20's and the one thing I wish I realised is the amount of mental energy they take to raise.
I was determined to be a better parent than my own mother and ensure my children had as comfortable a life as I could possibly provide (not spoil them, things like having their own room for privacy, clean clothes, access to a small amount of money to see friends etc) and it is exhausting!
I am lucky, neither of my children have gone off the rails (so far🤞) but the constant worry for them is like a background noise that you can just never, ever turn off. You worry when they're at home in case they have fallen out with friends and are missing out, you worry when they go out with friends that something could happen and you can't get to them quickly enough. You worry about school , apprenticeships, jobs, friendships....the list is endless. If, like me you do this around a full time job it can get overwhelming at times, there will be days when you give it literally everything you have and it won't benefit 'you' at all, you have to be entirely selfless at times.
I'm not saying this to put anyone off but so many people consider the primary school years the 'difficult' times and somehow fail to realise you will be actively parenting a lot, lot longer than that!

Xx

@MoveMoveMove The worry honestly does subside so hang in there. 💐. My DD (19) is away at university and I don’t worry about her much, because I have faith that she’ll make good decisions and she asks for advice when she’s unsure.

My mantra is that I’ve made it to nearly 50 without too many disastrous decisions so she will too. Plus she’s smarter than me. 😂

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