My mother keeps shaming my DS, AIBU?

[madamdoodle]

Sorry for the incredibly long post.

Basically, as the title says- my mother keeps shaming my DS and we’ve fallen out after I brought this to her attention. AIBU?

She generally has a very good relationship with my 3yo DS and has looked after him once a week since last Christmas and he loves her to bits. The only thing is is that she regularly shames him.. examples being she has held him in front of a mirror when he was crying as a 1yo and said “look how ugly you are when you cry” or when he has thrown a toy at her dog, instead of talking to him about unacceptable behaviour she will say things like “that was weird. You’re really weird” in a really bitchy tone or call him “uncool”.

I brought this to her attention as kindly as possible when out for coffee explaining that I thought shaming was a learned safety mechanism also used by my grandmother and my mother was doing it subconsciously without malice- she said that if she was damaging him so badly she wouldn’t ever look after him again and left. We’ve had a brief text since and she said that I have been very clear about how I thought she was a bad mother and so it’s very painful that I was also calling her a bad grandmother.

She was not a good mother to me or my siblings- had children by accident v young at the start of a v promising future. She’s professionally brilliant and was always very driven and didn’t want her children to get in the way of that. My father would beat us with a wooden spoon when we were little, we had 7 different nannies over the years and she went to work in another city 4 days a week when I was 12. They would party all weekend taking class As for days which I got into at a young age because of them and because I was struggling with childhood sexual abuse- i would take drugs with my parents from the age of about 15. I got expelled from school at 16 and went off the rails. My parents set no boundaries and I would often be out of contact for weeks on end which wouldn’t bother them.

Even with such terrible modelling she was always very disappointed that we didn’t excel at anything and would always criticise and shame us which left me furious at how she could behave so badly yet try and make us feel so terrible. I’ve always been angry at her and she’s always felt that I was a horrible DD- when I’ve tried to talk to her about my childhood, she’d blow into a emotional hailstorm and lock herself in her room or call me a little bitch saying that “other people had it much worse and you weren’t burnt with cigarettes!”

Fast forward a few years and she’s cleaned up her act and is now an activist and for the most part doesn’t party anymore. I have spent many years in therapy sorting my life out and getting to a good place and always tried to maintain a relationship with my family. My DS doesn’t really have a relationship with my DF as he’s uninterested in DCs and my MIL is dead so I want to nurture this relationship but I can’t let history repeat itself with her shaming my DS.

AIBU for calling her out on this as my DF says I am. Am I letting my own childhood and subsequent anger get in the way of their otherwise lovely relationship?

*does

Delighted to read you are moving away.

I wouldn't allow her mind a cat, not to mind a precious child.

You poor woman.

Your childhood sounds horrific.

Why on earth would you leave your toddler with a woman who allowed you to be physically and sexually abused, neglected you, took class A drugs in your presence and has generally been a horrific parent? Catch a grip OP. Some family relationships are better dead and buried. Nothing good can come of her having access to your DS.

This.

Your DM is evil and sadistic
She was abusive to you as a child and she's repeating it with your DS
Why would you want to nurture their relationship just because she's a biological GM
If you're trying to gain her approval please don't as you never will
What do you gain from having her in your life?
Protect your DS at all costs and also protect your heart and mind

From one unloved daughter to another - please break this cycle of abuse. Your mother is toxic and vile. My mum is too. I limit contact between her and my DS. I haven't gone no contact but I've definitely disengaged from the drama and the bullying. She lost interest when I stood up to her a few times. Just mainly blanks me and never calls or responds to messages. I keep in touch because of my DF. It is tough, but you recognise this isn't right.

Activist?

In other words a selfish individual wanting to impose her beliefs on others by force.

Horrible, toxic woman.

You have the perfect opportunity to distance yourself. There is no need to cut yourself off entirely from her unless you want to. You are in control as your DS’s mum.

I have similar issues with my mother. I do stick up for my kids. She tries to push their buttons when they are overtired, upset, stroppy/having a tantrum etc. She accuses me of 'pandering to them' when I intervene and tell her not to provoke the situation further. She cannot stand to be, what she sees as being, 'disrespected' by me for calling her out on her behaviour. She is a very defensive and reactive person. I see that she was raised in a very similar way. She used to drink heavily and my sister is currently an alcoholic with end stage liver failure. She didn't do the best job of nurturing us, particularly in our teenage years. She tried, but for various reasons was unable to as was not coping with my father's infidelity, losing the family home and his sudden death. She obviously feels a lot of guilt, hence why she's so defensive. However, she criticises me for standing up for my children. I do pick them up on their behaviour, but I am certainly not going to push them when they're going into meltdown mode. They are extremely well behaved incredible children, who occasionally get upset/difficult when very overtired. I know that she adores them and generally they have a very good relationship with her. But I will always pick her up on her behaviour, whether in front of the children or not. The children have a great sense of justice so can see when she's acting unfairly and they will stick up for themselves too/stand their ground. I know that I'm doing a great job of parenting and have done all I can to break the cycle. Unfortunately she is unable to change the way that she acts. She often goes away and clearly thinks about it/reflects on it. But rarely is she able to bring herself to apologize.

She's not and can't be that person sadly. If you want any relationship maybe you must lower your expectations as she can't be a good mother and grandmother. It sucks. Better for your ds that you parent as you wish you had been and hopefully help heal a bit.

Missing out on having a grandmother in a child's life is far far less harmful to them than having an emotionally damaging one involved in their lives.

It sounds as though you have done amazingly well to overcome your childhood and to break the cycle for your DC. Do not let your wish to have healed and have wider family involvement risk this. If you have found therapy helpful in the past then I think you would benefit from exploring why you have been so keen to build the relationship between your mother and your DC and why you are questioning yourself now that you see the issues with the way your mother behaves with your DC.

Read this paragraph that you wrote over and over and over again until it sinks in, OP:

"She generally has a very good relationship with my 3yo DS and has looked after him once a week since last Christmas and he loves her to bits. The only thing is is that she regularly shames him"

Don't be your mother. You're a better parent than that.

Thanks for all your input

Cut her out. Seriously. Read what you've said about your own childhood then think about what your son might post in the future about how you exposed him to your toxic mother who repeatedly shamed him even though you knew what a horrific person she was.

So break the cycle. You and your child deserve better than this.

Jesus Christ, why haven't you gone no contact, OP? If you won't do it for yourself, do it for the sake of your child.

@madamdoodle sounds like you've come such a long way already well done.

You were right to speak out for ds.
You have a voice and can use it now.

It's a shame but it's life. Loads of us have had to cut family off got the sake of our dc.

This. She shouldn't have had him in the first place; she's already showed you her colours. I'd be saying to my son that granny was wrong to say those things and they aren't true.

I’d find new childcare, there’s no way I’d allow this woman my mum or not around my child unsupervised. My mum used to hit me as I grew older. I don’t think she did it when I was young she said she didn’t need to. But has since said to my 18 month old on several occasions that she’ll smack her bum. So I made it clear I won’t be hitting my child in anyway shape or form ever and she needs to respect that. She stopped saying it and hasn’t done it. If it doesn’t feel or sit right with you then it is wrong as a parent. You are doing right by your child in protecting them. It can damage them from a very young age what your mums doing.

Yes, I do tell him that it’s not true. I also hope that the way me, my DH and friends talk and interact with him shows him how deeply he’s loved and respected and that her words just bounce off him because it’s not how he’s been raised. I will keep contact to a minimum but I feel really sad for him, he is so excited to see her and really loves her. She’s not a complete demon otherwise I wouldn’t have ever allowed it. She does love him a lot but she’s unable to show her love in a healthy way as she’s damaged. I feel sad for her too. I feel sad for all of us. I wanted to fix it.

Bloody hell op, she’s awful, she hasn’t changed, she might have veneered over the cracks to put on a good front… but underneath the cracks are still there. Standing a 1 year old in front of a mirror and calling him ugly because he cries, calling him weird. I have no words.
Both of your parents were/ are abusive. Abusive to you, as you well know and history is repeating itself. Stop the cycle, your little lad doesn’t need this toxicity in his life.

You can't fix her.
Her emotional grip over you despite everything she has done has kept you trying to please and accept her.

This is so toxic and now you're making your vulnerable young child try to accept the bits that are 'ok' about her.

It's totally messed up. Stop putting him in this position. He'll get more damaged the older he gets trying to move her then pander to her.

Trying to 'love' her

Omg I couldn’t imagine EVER telling my grandaughter that she looked ugly. What a disgusting thing to say to a 3 year old (or anyone!). Keep him away from her for god’s sake

Are you still in your therapy?
Sounds like you also deep down think that “at least I wasn’t burned with cigarettes” - because if she had done that, you wouldn’t have sent your son for a day a week, right?
You shouldn’t have sent him, and I’m glad you’ve stopped.

I’ve clicked YABU because you shouldn’t be letting her anywhere near you or your child!