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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to punish him and watch the movie without him

78 replies

empatheticpretzel · 16/07/2023 20:13

I was due to watch a movie with someone I have been seeing by 8pm. I was ready and waiting by 20 minutes before as I knew about it all day. 15 minutes before and he tells me he has just volunteered his time to multiple random people on the internet through an advice app or something and they are having quite a long conversation that will go over the 8pm and he doesn't know how long it will take. At 8pm he volunteers to watch the movie with me whilst being occupied with the intense conversations of multiple people. He hasn't reacted well. It was meant to be a cosy night in watching a movie together and I would feel like a third wheel to my own movie night. I have told him to just forget it and will go and watch it in a few minutes by myself. He hasnt reacted well

OP posts:
Assignedtoworryyourmother · 16/07/2023 20:15

Whether he was unreasonable or not pales into insignificance with the fact you are plotting ways to 'punish' him.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 16/07/2023 20:16

It's just a movie at home. Surely you can wait thirty minutes? It's not like going to the cinema.

TowerRaven7 · 16/07/2023 20:17

If he doesn’t have form for it I’d watch something else this once and give another chance. If it happened again without a very good reason that would be it for me, he’d be showing his priorities and it wouldn’t be you.

GoodChat · 16/07/2023 20:17

Can't you just wait until he's finished the call? He sounds like a good guy.

LaughterTitsoff · 16/07/2023 20:18

How do you think you're 'punishing' him?

He doesn't want to watch the movie and he's said so.

44PumpLane · 16/07/2023 20:19

If you were going out to the cinema I'd understand, but he's got caught up helping someone and you're only set to watch a movie at home.

Unless he's always prioritizing everyone else I think you sound like the unreasonable one here.

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/07/2023 20:19

YANBU to watch it on your own but YABVVU to talk about punishing him.

Aposterhasnoname · 16/07/2023 20:20

Grow up

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/07/2023 20:20

You don't punish him. You have a proper grown-up conversation about respect.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 16/07/2023 20:21

I don't think you're BU OP, if someone makes an arrangement whether it be with their partner, spouse or a friend, they should stick with it, unless something else which is literally a matter of life and death comes up. To me, it just shows a complete lack of respect to take on doing something else that you know is going to clash with arrangements you've made previously. Watch the film and sod him!

drpet49 · 16/07/2023 20:23

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 16/07/2023 20:15

Whether he was unreasonable or not pales into insignificance with the fact you are plotting ways to 'punish' him.

This. He needs to run for the hills.

Whadda · 16/07/2023 20:25

In what way has he “not reacted well”?

WildUnchartedWaters · 16/07/2023 20:25

He should have stuck to it but things get in the way sometimes. The fact you want to 'punish' him is.....well, bizarre, and worrying.

Do you always set such control over everything?

toffeeappleglow · 16/07/2023 20:27

I wouldn't be impressed with someone putting strangers on the Internet above me when we'd made plans and I'd been looking forward to spending time together. If there's a very good reason and he doesn't typically do this, I'd give him a grace period. Otherwise, we'd follow his discussion with the strangers with a discussion with me about why I feel that I'm not his priority.

Catcatcatcatcat · 16/07/2023 20:28

So this is just some bloke you have been dating? And he’s at your house to watch a film as planned, but now he wants to do something else that doesn’t involve you?

He can fuck off home and do it then…

Gracewithoutend · 16/07/2023 20:29

What happened if say your mum rang with a problem at 7.50? Would you shove her off the phone at 7.59 so you can start the film? If my husband told me I had to hang up so we could start watching a film that we could easily start watching at 8.15, I'd be quite forceful in my response. What does 15 mins either way matter?

Original poster
empatheticpretzel · 16/07/2023 20:30

Ok maybe punish is an intense worse. There isn't really a good enough reason. The people seeking advice don't need the help "right now". Even if they did , there are hundreds, thousands of other people on the app who can give advice. He has opened the app, gone through and started conversations with multiple people looking for advice and is having intense conversations with them, his attention will be on them not on watching the movie together.

OP posts:
Readyplayerthr33 · 16/07/2023 20:33

Grow up

HellonHeels · 16/07/2023 20:37

Gracewithoutend · 16/07/2023 20:29

What happened if say your mum rang with a problem at 7.50? Would you shove her off the phone at 7.59 so you can start the film? If my husband told me I had to hang up so we could start watching a film that we could easily start watching at 8.15, I'd be quite forceful in my response. What does 15 mins either way matter?

He's not helping his mum, he's helping random strangers on an app.

The punishing aspect is a bit OTT but him playing white knight to strangers and abandoning the planned evening with OP is just shit behaviour.

PrueRamsay · 16/07/2023 20:38

Have you told him to go home?

arethereanyleftatall · 16/07/2023 20:39

I would hate to be in a relationship with you op. In fact I wouldn't be. Just couldn't be arsed with this shit.

toffeeappleglow · 16/07/2023 20:39

It's one of my pet peeves when the person I'm supposedly watching something with has their face glued to their phone instead. No problem if we're just casually chilling out together with TV on in the background, but I feel (perhaps irrationally) that it's disrespectful if someone can't leave their phone alone for an hour or two.

It's 'just' TV or a film, but it's also a shared activity, and it annoys me if they're distracted and not paying attention. I'd rather just watch on my own if it seems that they'd rather be doing something else.

WildUnchartedWaters · 16/07/2023 20:39

empatheticpretzel · 16/07/2023 20:30

Ok maybe punish is an intense worse. There isn't really a good enough reason. The people seeking advice don't need the help "right now". Even if they did , there are hundreds, thousands of other people on the app who can give advice. He has opened the app, gone through and started conversations with multiple people looking for advice and is having intense conversations with them, his attention will be on them not on watching the movie together.

You are very, very intense in general. All of this talk of YOUR cosy movie night ans attention on the film , he sounds like your teenage son. As for the explanation ahout the app, it isn't your decision to make.
I imagine this is not the only incident.
At beat you are mismatched. You were ready 20 minutes early and he was messing about on app. At worst, you need to look at your level of control.

WildUnchartedWaters · 16/07/2023 20:40

PrueRamsay · 16/07/2023 20:38

Have you told him to go home?

He didnt make it there in the first place, OP kicked off on the dot of her movie night.

PrueRamsay · 16/07/2023 20:43

Oh I misunderstood.

Yeah I would have said don’t bother coming then.