To not understand the psychology behind lying about having gastric surgery?

[WhaleBlue]

I’ve met a couple of people in my life who have had surgery for weight loss. Good for them, it’s their body and their decision. However in both cases, both have lied about it. The first said she was in hospital a few days for a badly sprained wrist, the second just said they were going on holiday for a week.

one was a friend (or at least I thought she was), the other my sister in law.

I get it’s a personal decision and they have no obligation whatsoever to tell anyone, but obviously it soon becomes apparent they are losing a lot of weight in a very short time afterwards. Do these people think that people are too thick to work this out? I’m in no way judgemental, people should do whatever they want, but AIBU to be upset about being lied to?

help me understand please.

They are embarrassed and it’s private medical info, not too difficult to work out really.

there is also quite a lot of social stigma attached.

Some - perhaps most - obese people feel ashamed and judged by others. It's common for them to feel that getting the surgery is the "easy" option and that others will think they're lazy and can't be bothered to make an effort for themselves.

That, I believe, is why they don't want to tell people.

It's private. They don't have to share their medical info with you, nothing to do with thinking you are thick.

Yeah I managed to that bit out thanks. The bit I was struggling with is do they think people are too stupid to realise they’ve had surgery?

Because of fat-shaming.

People think it's cheating if you lose weight with surgery rather than diet and exercise.

If you can see it's none of your business and you're not judgemental why does it matter what surgery they had?

It must be difficult to admit that you need surgical intervention to stop yourself from overeating. It's obvious really, you probably could have worked that out.

They probably have an underlying fear that it won't work after numerous failed diets. So it's safer not to tell rather than tell and be embarrassed if it doesn't work for them.

OP you are judging them. It's not for you to say anything its their decision. As for being upset that's a strong reaction. Perhaps these people don't see you as part of their inner circle who they would be honest with.

YABVU. Anyone who has got to the point of resorting to weight loss surgery has almost certainly spent years, if not decades, dealing with feelings of shame and low self-esteem about their weight and possibly about their inability to lose weight without surgery. I think you'd have to be either quite ignorant or a very insensitive person not to have any understanding why they might not be truthful about it, and even more insensitive to make this about your own feelings by saying you're upset not to have been told the truth.

What's it got to do with anyone else? They are perfectly entitled not to share their private medical details. I'm sure they realise people will work it out, but that doesn't mean that they have to tell people when they don't want to. I can't understand why anyone would feel entitled to know about someone else's private medical information and be annoyed that they hadn't been told the truth about it when it's irrelevant to them.

Who knows whether they think you're thick or not. The point is, they don't want to discuss it. It's not about you.

I had weight loss surgery. I told a few close friends and family but there are still a few people who have asked and I've just told them I'm eating less and moving more. These would be acquaintances and it's really none of their business

Like you can only assume a woman is pregnant if you see the infant physically leaving her body or she tells you, unless you see their incision scars, you still don't know and, moreover, it is none of your business unless they decide to tell you.

I would probably do the same

I'd only tell people that I really liked trusted and felt comfortable would not judge me , discuss me online with a load of strangers and who'd not look at the size of my arse each time we met up

My close friend confided in me that she was going to Turkey for weight loss surgery. She had reached an extreme low point in her life and was desperate, with more than 12 stone to lose. She didn’t tell anyone else apart from me and her closest family.

Fast forward to now, 18months later she is 12 stone down and living her best life. She still hasn’t told anyone else about the surgery - and really why should she?

she’s posted on social media about her ‘weight loss journey’ and I don’t think she’s been deceitful as really she has lost the weight by eating a lot less and moving more (the weight loss surgery was a tool to help her do it).

I’ve considered it myself, but I’m too scared… so I’m in it for the long haul the old fashioned way 😩

The bit I was struggling with is do they think people are too stupid to realise they’ve had surgery?

That's just not relevant tbh. Yes, maybe it is totally obvious to other people that they've had surgery. That still doesn't mean the person will feel able to say the words and admit to it. Of course it doesn't mean they think people are too stupid to notice. If anything, they probably feel stupid themselves because they know people will work it out and realise they are hiding the truth. Honestly, just have a bit of compassion!

They don’t think you’re too thick to work it out. They are hoping you are polite enough not to mention it.

Its a deeply personal thing often tied up with a lot of complex emotions that they may not want to share. Everyone and his dog has an opinion on it that they may not want to hear.
If everyone was sensitive enough to respond to an announcement they were having the surgery with 'Ok, hope it goes well' and leave it there, perhaps it would be different.

None of your business. Totally agree with others that to get to weight loss surgery stage you have had a long battle already. Also people see it as an easy option when it so is not.

You say 'people will work it out' - so? Anyone polite would still not comment . It is no one's else's business how a person loses weight.

I am currently taking Ozempic to lose weight and have lost three stone. Apart from close family who live in the same house I haven't told anyone.

"do they think people are too stupid to realise they’ve had surgery?"

Maybe. But equally maybe they think people will nod, accept their story and say nothing because that's the polite thing to do when it's obvious someone is embarrassed about something and has chosen to have a different explanation.

You don’t have to understand - problem solved!

I had gastric surgery and whilst I didn't lie I certainly didn't go out of my way to tell people because:
It's private
People do judge
People who don't struggle with their weight think that weight loss is as simple as just stopping eating and like to give lectures about how you don't need surgery.
Other people aren't entitled to know my business.

People might share my private business on Mumsnet to be picked over by strangers.

Re your friend and SIL they're not obliged to disclose private medical information to you and it's slightly odd and uncomfortable that you've chosen to take offence (and start a Mumsnet thread about it) rather than just respect their privacy.

If they are a friend, unless your relationship is incredibly superficial they will need to say something because this kind of surgery affects what you can eat and drink.

I think it's one of those things where...they know you know, and you know they know you know!! But it goes unspoken because anyone less close to them won't know about the surgery and they can pass it off as being down to diet and exercise, which is something people generally are proud of as opposed to surgery which sometimes people are ashamed of (or ashamed they had to resort to it).